It's No Surprise

As I look back on my last blog entry, I think to myself.....crap, I should go back and read these more often. If I had, then how I feel today would be no surprise. I thought of this as I listened to Daughtry's 'No Surprise' and realized that it really is no surprise. I mean, I can act like it is, but in all reality....it isn't.

Alas, I'm in the same place I was three months ago. Six months ago. Eight months ago. As far back as I go, I see I'm still standing in the same spot. I haven't moved an inch. What does this say for my lifetime need for growth, for spiritual and emotional maturity...which requires painful sacrifice. For what growth comes without pain, and although there has been much pain, most of it has been self-inflicted. I caught myself tonight looking toward astrology for understanding. Of what, I have no idea. Today is Brad's birthday. What does that mean to me? Not much. Except I caught myself thinking that I could look up his sign in an effort to try to understand what manner of forces are at work within him. I know, I know. It's silly. But at the same time, astrology tends to point toward some pretty strong character traits in those around me, so I don't find it as farfetched as some...but I also don't lend more credence to it than it deserves. His sign's reading didn't really tell me anything I didn't already know. That's pretty much how it goes with just about every source of input...because at the core of me that is God, I already have all the answers. I just need to remember them. Sometimes it takes the smallest, and silliest, things to jog my memories.

And that makes me think of Kat. Which both makes me angry, and makes me sad. And happy. But then angry and sad all over again. I know. It doesn't make sense. It would if I explained the events of the last month...

Kat ran away last month one night after I left for work. I called the sheriff. She was found at Kiwanis Park by that next afternoon. Fast forward a month. She'd been having a harder and harder time keeping herself out of trouble. She was stealing money and drugs, going from guy to guy almost on a daily basis. She changed friends so often I couldn't keep up with all their names and some of them I never saw their faces. I started taking her to work with me and making her sleep in the car. I couldn't trust her at home and she was fighting with mom and Dani & Jon more and more. I had to start locking my door or sleeping on my purse if I left it unlocked. I never knew what to expect any more.

I brought her to work with me on my first night of work week before last (the 10th) after cleaning Heather's home for some much needed $ (after Jessie had cleaned out my bank account....again. A story for another time...), and within an hour of arriving she had disappeared. She led us a merry chase around town for a couple of days before lying her way into a ride to Ogden, Utah with Joshua Bumgarner. Poor kid. He didn't realize what he was in for. She put him through 48 hours of holy hell, ending with her bunking at some unknown guy's house and taking a handful of pills and smoking so much pot she was puking her guts up while he was freaked out of his mind. When he suggested that she return home before something really bad happened, she punched him in the face for his concern. Thank goodness he finally came to his senses and turned her into the authorities, who promptly picked her up and arrested her new housemates (turns out the group she'd made fast friends with had warrants...hmmm) on Sunday the 14th. She now resides in the Webber Detention Center in Ogden. Upon her return, which at this date hasn't been determined, she has pending charges for theft of money and prescription drugs from Heather the night we cleaned. Ugh. At this point, she's refused to sign the consent form to return home. A runaway that doesn't want to go home. Go figure.

At this point, I don't want her home. It's a much more peaceful place without her. The constant drama and crisis is no more. I don't have to hide my valuables. I can breathe. It feels good. I mean, sure....the thing with Brad eats at me...but I can overcome that with enough time. Right? :/

What the Day Holds

June 19 ~
"Where the hell are we NOW?!" Ugh. I can feel the dolby surround sound echoing those words into the silence as I contemplate the clusterfuck that is my personal inventory. I sit in my sanctuary, having finished the day's work, and give thoughful consideration to that question. Truly, where are we? If I had to put my finger on it, I'd give a resounding

I pretty much don't like where I'm at today. Mr. Unavailable is no more available than before, except maybe in spirit, which means naught. I have gone so far as to propose to him, and although he says he doesn't want to say no, he can't say yes at this point either. So I have offered to step back and wait. I don't know what this means for him, but he has to know that I can't bring my life to a standstill as I wait for him to figure things out. I can do no more than offer to hear him out in the future, no matter where my life may lead me. This I can do.

As for Mr. Wonderful...well, does anyone stay perfectly wonderful forever? Aren't we all destined to slip and fall from the pedestal others have placed us on? In this regard, he is better than most. He is still kind and loving, but has shown an impatient temper on subjects that he normally keeps close to vest. He tries his best to listen before deciding whether or not he should get upset, which is good. However, because of the talk of divorce (after all, there is no divorce until the actual petition has been filed...and one hasn't been filed yet by either party). In the span of a few weeks it has gone from 'I'm gonna introduce you to my kids and we are gonna do this' to 'well, my wife is a psycho bitch that is controlling my life and terrorizing me and the kids...and btw, she also has your name and pic and knows where you work.' Nice.

Sabotage. Of Self.

Well, Dani says I'm just determined to sabotage my love life and be unhappy...and there are times I really almost agree with her. Almost.

I can understand the sabotage part. I know that I think too much. That is oft-times sabotage enough. But in the last two situations, I seemed to be the only one doing any thinking at all. Period. Ugh.

Ok. So, I broke up with Brad weeks ago. Just last week I decided to give someone new a chance, so I went from dating Mr. Unavailable to spending time with what seemed to be Mr. Wonderful. Well...that isn't fair to say and makes the good guy sound bad, so I should clarify. The guy who was wonderful still is, and the guy who wasn't available still isn't. It's just that the guy who is wonderful isn't exactly Mr. Available. Which is where my problem lies. I can't say I didn't know this guy was still married, but I was under the impression they were going through a divorce. 'Going through a divorce' gives the impression that a petition for divorce has been filed, or at least there is a legal separation in place, if nothing more than a simple Parenting Plan to line out how they will still co-parent while figuring everything else out. This isn't the case. He's done nothing more than argued and fought for better than 18-months..and told her that he doesn't want to be married to her or be with her any more...then moved out of the family home and into his own apartment. While he has his own place, he is on a very short leash with his phone because of his kids and work. This is understandable. It also makes him an easy mark to be terrorized by her calls and texts on unrelated subjects. Especially when she knows that he is off work and likely to be in my company. It seems such a small thing, but it comes across larger than life.

Case in point: I was at his apartment with him this afternoon, trying to lay down for a couple hours of rest before having to come into work tonight. His phone was on vibrate, which he hasn't realized I can hear on a subsonic level...and it managed to keep me in a state of constant unrest because his wife was blowing it up with calls and texts. I can admit it was my conscience bothering me. Damn it. I knew good and well that I was laying in a married man's bed, in his arms, while his wife (and mother of his children) blew up his phone in a righteously jealous rage, flipping back and forth between trying to seduce him and telling him to get fucking bent. Fuck. What kind of person am I? It's no wonder I got no rest and couldn't wait to get up and leave. Worse yet, as I left I wanted to end things with this otherwise wonderful man. Even worse, I wanted to call or text Brad right away as I left. To what purpose I have no idea. Obviously going through a serious self-sabotage episode. This is the equivalent of wanting to cut my own throat with a dull spoon. I know damn good and well that situation is no better and all roads that are open to me at this point will lead me straight to hell if I follow them.

So what the hell is all this about? In my earlier years I never really cared much about how my actions affected other people. Especially other people that were so far removed from my everyday relationships and interactions. It was like those people weren't real or didn't count. Until I became one of those people. And not just once. But many times over. I have SO been the people that I think about now. I think about this man's wife, Becki. I even wonder if I spell her name correctly, or if that's just the way he's spelled it in his phone's contact list. I want to give her that much consideration and respect. I want to care about her feelings, to understand how difficult all this must be for her. He is obviously a great guy. Maybe not the guy for her. But still a great guy. Certainly not one I would want to lose. I felt the same way about Todd. He wasn't the guy for me, obviously. But that didn't mean he wasn't a good guy, and because he was a good guy, that I didn't want to lose him. But we can't stay with people because we don't want to lose them. The quickest way to lose love is to cling to it.

Another day...phheeww!

So, I made it through another day. I had a long day of juggling errands and getting things done after work, then finally made my way home and got to sleep around 2pm...and decided I'd set my alarm for 9pm so I'd get some real rest. I ended up waking up before the alarm at 8pm...feeling like the day was slipping away from me. I don't know why I should worry so, especially when Mr. Wonderful has his kids tonight, so I was in no hurry to get up or head off anywhere.

I anticipated some kind of interaction with Mr. Unavailable today, as it seems I have been for days now. I don't know why I worry. Although he's talked big about not letting me go...well, he never really had me to begin with, did he? So, I guess I can't be all that surprised that he's faded into the background so easily and with such little fuss. In some ways it really hurts my feelings. I invested quite a bit of myself and my heart into him, and now it feels like it was all one-sided, although he assured me at every opportunity that he wanted me and someday would come to his senses and make us a stunning reality. He painted such lovely pictures of what could be....ugh. I hate him for that. Ok, I don't really hate him...I just intensely dislike the way he led me on so callously and without care or consideration for the depth of my feelings. Had I to go through this obvious rejection (it's kind of funny I see it this way, when in all reality I broke it off with him....hmmm) alone, then it would probably have broken me again so quickly after the utter devastation of my divorce. For a while, at least. But to tell truth I've been broken almost the whole six months we've been seeing each other. I knew from the beginning that it wasn't right. I shouldn't have been spending time with him, and he most certainly shouldn't have been spending time with me...and I knew it. I spent almost the entire six months trying to bring it back around to something good and decent..something I didn't have to be ashamed to be a part of. I was so stubborn, I couldn't admit it was a lost cause from the beginning.

That being said...I had a text or two from Mr. Wonderful when I woke up, which started my day out splendidly. He asked if I would stop by for a minute before work to say hello and get a hug...and I said absolutely! I couldn't wait to see him...and although I felt slightly self-conscious about having such intense feelings of longing for someone I barely know...I would be lying if I said I was anything less than excited. It felt so good to have someone I respect want to see me...want to touch me, spend time with me, listen to me, talk to me, cherish and love me....oh, the simply silly things that make my heart melt...

He was standing outside, waiting by his truck, as I pulled up. I asked him if he minded getting in the car with me because it was so cold outside. He was more than happy to do so. We sat together in the car...me turned in the seat toward him, touching him, listening to the mellow tones of his voice, pulling myself close enough to breath his scent...giddy with butterflies of desire as he tells me about how happy he is to see me, how happy I make him...how he will be there for me as I go thru the death throes of this thing with Mr. Unavailable...be there for me when I need him..or as long as I will have him...stand up for me if it becomes necessary. God. Is this guy for real? Can he get any sexier? any more desirable? I felt stunned. Humbled. Speechless. Unable to articulate the depth of my desire and absolute love for this guy. Yes, I said love. Shit. In most situations, use of that word alone would have me light-headed, panicked, ready to bolt in the survival response of flight. Especially so soon. But I've noticed in my life's travels that sometimes things just feel so right they need not be denied. And this definitely qualifies as one of those times. How do I fight it? and why would I want to? Too many people are afraid of love, and don't want to give it away at any price, when I want nothing more than to give all my love away...and drink in all that I receive. And as far as receiving goes, I have been in a drought for as long as I can remember...so I can't see why I wouldn't soak up every ounce given to me.

So tonight (last night? ugh. damn night shift!) he is at home being a wonderful dad. I can't imagine anything sexier than a family man. Someone who isn't ashamed to love his kids, his partner...and show it. He wants the kids to meet me, but has committed not to bring anyone into their lives until the divorce is final. It makes sense. Much less confusing for the them...less traumatic. I can see how this might drag on, though. Especially if the ex is panicked at the thought of losing him and decides to draw it out for an extended period, hoping with time he will come to his senses. And in all reality, at this point she isn't technically the ex. At least not legally. I suppose the fact that I am still here means I am making the decision now that being with him and coming to know and love both him and his children is something worth waiting for. And I can also see how this is reminscent of things with Mr. Unavailable, but he has already said that he won't keep us a secret (and wasn't afraid to use the word 'us'...which wasn't in Mr. Unavailable's vocabulary), and doesn't care who knows...and has offered to take me places in public, including to his place of work...and even hold my hand...which I admit is very sweet (can he possibly know what huge things these are to me?...omg. maybe it's the reason he's offering it...!). Although this should make me ecstatic (it is what I want, right?), I am uncomfortable with this. I'm not into hurting anyone, much less his eventually-to-be ex wife...or his children. I'm left wondering how can I possibly allow someone to give me what I want and deserve without having to make others pay for it...so I'm not sure I can quite take him up on this generous offer at this point. I suppose I will just have to take things one moment at a time and be willing to remain open to winging it as the situation requires.

Regardless, I can feel the difference in me already. I look forward to tomorrows. No matter how I look at it, that can't be wrong. And my gut isn't twisting. And I'm learning to listen to that more than anything, cuz its never led me wrong...when I've listened.

Til next time...

A Stirring of Echoes

Ok, yeah, I know that's the name of a movie...but it really fit today. After getting off this morning, I went to my friend/patient Joseph's. I love going to his house, cuz he is one of the few people who's thoughts and opinions I still respect...especially since the words of so many lately rarely match up with their actions. So, there I am...and the subject of parents' deaths came up (don't ask me how...)...and there I am, thinking about things that haven't happened for better than three decades. What am I, like six again?! Jeez. Anyway, this epiphany hits me, and I realize that I have stirred echoes within the corridors of my life that lead me to the present day. It suddenly hits me that all of today's choices are influenced by the heart and mind of a little six-year old little girl who wanted nothing more than to love and to belong and be loved in return. But that didn't happen at age six, and fear of that never happening again has molded me into the crazed and dysfunctional person I am proud to be today. o.O
Anyway, I shed a few tears over what might have been for that little girl, then sucked it up and went home to crash for a decent day's sleep before comiing back to work tonight. I got up to answer a phone call from a guy that is always on the verge of being in my life, then went to Mickey D's to find an Angus Deluxe with my name on it. Call it more of a craving. Then I realized I left my phone at home...and god forbid I should go any length of time without that albatross around my neck, ran home to get it, then took myself to Kiwanis Park to watch the river and think as I ate. After stuffing myself with the whole burger (I usually can only eat half...ugh...so full!), I forced myself out of the comfort of my Suby and made my way down to the river.

As I moved toward the water, I thought of Todd. Nothing romantic or anything, more like I was thinking about how pathetic that whole situation was for him and how he was a coward in the face of life and a fool for throwing away a chance at happiness with both hands, not to mention the loss of what had once been a loving and beautiful family. The tragedy of it is lost on my, I suppose. At one time I would have cared immensely and been inconsolably sad...but not now, and certainly not today. This whole line of thinking made me think of the sadness of the current guy that's not really in my life...and that was too much for me, so I put all thought of anyone else but me and my happiness out of my mind. The force of the water at the bend in the river was incredible, and the moon was rising, with only a few clouds in the sky the stars blazed. I walked all the way to my work's back door, just to see how it looked from the river side in the dark...then turned around and made my way back to my car. As I moved, I thought about the fact that I could walk, hell...run even, if I wanted to..but it felt so good I took my time and paid close attention to how my body moved from one step to the next, hips rolling, arms moving, and the muscles in my side tightening as I swaggered. Yes, I swaggered...hell, when someone has as much hips and a$$ as I have, well, they have to swing or they'd have no place to go...and in the end, it all felt soooo good. I thanked god for the opportunity to feel like a whole human being again...and came on to work.

After I got here, I realized that I felt crappier than I'd remembered feeling the night before. Seems whatever I had or has been going around is sticking it out a while longer, just to get the best of me. It wasn't an hour and a half after stepping in the door that I was hugging the toilet...again. Jeez. Yet again, had I been able to figure out how to call in an on-call person, I'd have left here in a state of perpetual ungrace. Ugh. Just call me Punky Brewster... -.-


My horoscope today said:
You'll feel conflicted today, for reasons you don't fully understand. Something you know to be true seems at odds with the facts you are presented. Focus on the solution, idea, or "truth" that feels right in your heart. Don't worry too much about being "right".
On the other hand, God had this to say:
Give yourself permission to be un-busy. Give yourself an hour or a day to simply be. Allow yourself the luxury of a small retreat. Allow your spirit time to be restored. Even God took a day of rest.


Now, what God had to say today really fit this evening. As I walked along the path next tot he river, I kept thinking.. 'What a magnificent scene I have created for myself tonight...this is f'in gorgeous!...man, I rock'...and I was thankful that I wasn't with anyone, since it forced me to give to or please no one except myself. It was the first time since I walked after rehab that I felt a sense of myself coming back to me...like I didn't need anyone else to help me feel complete...I was finally complete on my own, simply for being Me..! And I have taken tonight off to continue along that vein...

Where Am I?

Originally written: 3/13/2011

Let's check the pulse of where I am right now...

As I put my standby guy on the plane back home, I searched myself for any feelings I may harbor. I love him without a doubt. There has never been a question of that. What lies in question is if that is enough to justify seeking a life together. Must someone be in love to remain true and faithful to the relationship..? Todd was unable to do it. Surely he loved me at some point, but in the end was in love with someone else...or at the very least had woefully fallen out of love with me. That alone should serve as a warning and answer any lingering questions I should have, and yet I still find myself considering the possibility of forever. I suppose I will just have to sit with it. I believe I'm perfectly comfortable staying single and not entering into a serious relationship...as I've been enjoying the freedom to be myself...and not having to put anothers' thoughts and feelings before my own. 

Why, oh why?! This must be true...fml.

What God had to say to me today:

On this day of your life, Susan,

...that it is better to do now what you will have to do

eventually.

You know, right now, what you will have to do

eventually. Your stomach is telling you right now.

You just don't want to have to listen to it; don't

want to believe it.

Believe it. The tummy knows. How many times in

your life must you prove this to yourself?

You will not have to think but a second to know

exactly why you received this message today.

The blessed sanctuary of work...

Thank the One for this sanctuary...my work. I am so blessed to have it...

Tonight (5/6/2011) was especially hard for me. I started out this morning getting off work sick...after having a bloody nose and sinus problems all night...throwing up after I got to Joseph's...not really feeling like doing or eating much of anything...went home, threw up again...drive heaved... took an anti-nausea med and fell into a coma, not waking until 15 minutes before having to be at work. It made for a quick dress and no opportunity to fully awaken before getting here...but that was probably a good thing since when I did fully come back to myself, this is the sniveling mess I am left with..... ugh. :'(

Needless to say, things with Brad haven't been going that great. Although it seems we love one another, things just won't seem to come together. At this point, it is all on him....as when I've made up my mind there isn't much to deter me...

The main problem here is that he's been single (lived alone) for so long...although he's had a long-term relationship, they were never really together...as they lived separate lives and only got together when it convenienced them both. That's not what I call a real relationship, so for general purposes it doesn't count. He's lived for much too long denying his want or need of another person...and because of it, has learned to live alone. I am so sick of being alone. Even in the midst of my relationships, I have always felt alone. There is nothing worse than being in a 'loving' relationship with someone and still feeling alone. Ugh. I would rather get the hell of my dying over with and move on to my next life experience....please and thank you. Just the mere thought of returning to the One...the Whole...of Us All...makes me tear up again. The thought is so beautiful...so wonderful and magnificent...it makes me yearn for it...anything to feel that blessed love that is reconnecting with the One.... I would give anything that I don't have to feel the yawning of an eternity...mocking with me with it's threat of separation and eternal loneliness....ugh.

I called him yesterday...and texted him this morning after not hearing from him...and then when all I got in return were two very short texts and not a single phone call all day...well, that was pretty much my breaking point....fml.

I finally broke down as I wrote a message to him on FB, trying to explain how I was feeling...and making a mucky mess of everything, I'm sure....and cried with careful abandon (...being mindful of others in the house and not wanting to be a source of distress for those who already lived a life of disadvantage). I had tried unsuccessfully to blink them away as I looked at my reflection in the office windows, but they would not be put off. When they finally broke through my reserve, the tears tore from me all the energy and vitality I had managed to gather from my day of sleeping...and left me weak and lifeless. I cried through writing the message, sent it, then cried as I moved through the house, doing what needed to be done before morning came. I was thankful that chores allowed my body to move on auto pilot, without any real need for thought...as I wasn't capable of anything more complicated than sorting silverware for the drawer...and my tears blurred my vision as I tried to sweep, making the piles of debris blend into one another. I hear barely audible whimpers...and realize it is coming from me...and this scares me into silence. I use the need for quiet as way to gain control of myself, as my motions (and emotions) must be carefully controlled to keep dishes from clacking together as I put them away. Finally, as I moved to turn out the lights on the house I realized the tears had stopped and I could feel the crusty salt on my face as I winced in thought about what I must look like to anyone who may come upon me...then I made my way back to the office, not sure what to do with myself...fearing that should my body stop moving, my mind would surely crack open and another deluge of tears drown out what little life remained.

In the end, I decided to sit and pour myself upon the page, rather than allowing dismal thoughts to circle round and round within my mind....hoping to empty my mind of all it contains...so that I might finally be free of its burden upon me. And so here I sit....pouring...and hoping....

Once again, I must examine what eats at me: How is it that I have worked my way into another unbalanced relationship that doesn't give to me as much as it takes...? Fuck. Again, I am guilty of wanting...needing...and yet I read a message from God today about allowing myself to do neither of these, but to encourage myself to fall into the 'cushion of desire'.......to which I admit I do not fully understand.

Again, thank God for my work. Without it, I don't know where I would be...possibly locked away from the world within the walls of my home, not wanting to step foot outside of it for fear the world will take hold of me without love or mercy and rip me to pieces...cowering in fear and self-loathing. Ugh. The mere thought shames me. Almost worse than the weak and vulnerable tears I shed through the night.

Already the new day is dawning through slight degrees of silent light that infiltrate the shades of my office's windows...and it hearkens to me...bringing with it a promise of a world full of opportunities to alleviate the loneliness that suffocates me....

Love. Meh...

Meh...love. Wtf is up with that...?!

Ok, I've been doing this 'dating' thing for better than a year, off and on. I am no better at it  now than I was way back in the day when I actually half ass knew what I was doing. Not that I've ever known what I was doing...but I'm digressing. 

I've been spending time with one of the guys that I spent time with when Todd and I split the first time. I knew at the time that I shouldn't be spending time with this particular guy, but I found myself doing it anyway. Almost in spite of it. Come on...I knew he was seeing someone he'd been in a long term relationship with for as long as I'd known of him. But in all truthfulness, he'd been the first one of us show interest and then pursued me, not the other way around. Knowing this, I'd signed on with a guy who would admittedly cheat on his partner. Omg, he's Todd...........  


Hearing myself spell it out here in black and white, it is hard to try and sell myself on the idea that I didn't know what I was getting myself into...so how do I move forward from here? Shit. I've gone and allowed myself to have increasingly stronger feelings for a totally unavailable (emotionally or otherwise) guy, and now am almost to the point of crying and being morbidly depressed when he leaves town for the weekend. I am even jealous of his truck. Fuck. You gotta be kidding me, Susan....ugh!

Good lord, where to begin. I suppose going back over the our time last year and our last few months may let me get a clearer perspective on how I got where I am, and a larger picture so I can see where to go from here.......hmmm...where to start.....*sits with chin in hand, staring off into space with a blank look*

Alright. I was breaking up with Andrew when I 'met' Brad. I'd known of him for some five years or more from working at Riverside Conoco.  Understand, it was a passing acquaintance only, simply for business reasons, and didn't allow me to know anything too personal about him what-so-ever...with the exception that he was always working or playing and never had a female with him. Beyond that, all I knew was his name and status as a customer. Brad had been invited by Andrew to assist in convincing me that I should give Andrew another chance to prove his worthiness. Of course, Brad being the good guy that he is, did his best to convince me that Andrew loved me and wanted nothing but the best for me. I informed him that I didn't have the capacity to provide care for an alcoholic when I had a family relying on me at home. He said he understood and waited for an alone moment to offer his phone number so that we could talk about our concerns for Andrew more privately. This should have tipped me off and set my alarm bells ringing...and in many ways it did...but I ignored it. Besides talking on the phone, Brad came over later that day as well. In a phone conversation that followed, he told me about the 'spark' of electricity he'd felt pass between us when we'd spoken the first time at Andrew's...and how it had happened again at my house. How could I deny it if he said it had happened.... After all, it wasn't the kind of thing that it made sense to fake....right?

Ok....so, enter Brad onto the scene. I texted and talked to him many times over the two months that followed. We got together every now and again and even had some close encounters, but all in all, I knew about his significant other and neither of us ever went any further.  Cut to January of this year...and I sent him a text not but a few days, possibly a week, after asking Todd to leave the house...while I was out on a hockey night with my girlfriend's. We ended up drinking while at the game that night, and had quite a few more while dancing the night away in Florence at the High Spirits. That night I'd been chased around the bar by a very handsome and sweet 22 yr-old that I later took home...anway, I get off track here obviously...so, I never heard back from Brad that night. Sometime the next day I think he texted me back...and seemed to be surprised and delighted about hearing from me. He asked if I actually meant to text him, or if it had been an accident. I assured him I had meant to, although I didn't tell him I'd also texted a few others that night as well. No sense in sharing everything right out of the gate....and I still knew about his significant other, Kris.

So, seems that much hadn't changed in the year that we did other things...and other people. We both were in about the same place as we'd left one another...and here we were again. I eventually ended up being so put out by the single guys I was dating (insert Ryan and Jeff here) that I gave him more and more time to entertain me. I was so entertained sometimes that I even offered up cash to help purchase a radiator for our toy of choice, the 'big' truck...and allowed him to continue to taunt me in a sexual way for weeks and weeks...until he kept hinting that it was going to happen eventually, so I put him to the challenge and told him I expected not to be disappointed..which really seemed to deflate him some and cause some anxiety...but brought him down a few notches. Until then, he'd had an arrogant streak that was hard to tolerate, especially since I knew it cleverly hid a very damaged self-esteem. As much as I wanted to feel sorry for him, I wanted to slap the fuck out of that arrogance first...so I issued the challenge and sat back to watch the show. It worked. For that I was grateful. Ever since then, his damaged self-esteem has come to the forefront and arrogance is now saved for his friends and acquaintences, instead of for me. He seemed to be spending all his time with me, and didn't really seem to have any time to still be seeing Kris, so I assumed that he'd cooled things off with her...which was helped by the fact that I never brought her up or questioned him about anything, but in a way it wouldn't have mattered to me if he had still been seeing her...as I never saw her as competition. I actually felt and still feel really sorry for her. While I'm sure he has his flaws, Brad is a sweet and kind soul; very loving and affectionate...and passionate. He has a hard time believing I see him this way, but if he could see what I see, he would be amazed...surely.

We ended up being a very favorable match physically, and for that I am extremely grateful, although I sometimes wish I weren't as attracted to him as I am. It can be inconvenient to want to keep my distance and then he comes within a city block of me and I am unable to say no or resist even the slightest suggestion. It is especially inconvenient if I at all wish to keep my heart and it's ability to love freely intact, as I put myself at risk every time we touch. He seems surprised by my intense physical and emotional reaction to his nearness, but it's simply because he doesn't understand me...which can only be solved with time and nearness...and that is in short supply these days.

He's called me several times over the last week or so, since saying he needed space and time to figure things out. In the last few days he's asked a couple of questions that seem to be easy to answer, but he had difficulty asking them. The first was if I'd work in the office, helping his mother to run the family business. The second was about sharing problems and bills. I said yes to the first, provided it was on my off time. To the second, I responded that a shared life means shared resources/assets and liabilities/responsibilities. There is no middle ground where I handle my shit and he handles his. That is leading separate lives and not how I want to live my life. God in me knows that I was meant to be a partner and work and live side by side with a mate. I have not a single doubt that a person who feels the same way will someday find me...

Love. Meh. -/-



 

I'm so in love with....Me!

Ah, yes...I am deeply and madly in love...with me. And it is a good thing, for it's always full of joy and laughter at myself. Just this morning is a prime example. Here was Joseph, telling me how cute my ass looked in these jeans, and Bam! I fall flat on my face. Couldn't have been timed better...Classic. I thought I'd throw up from laughing so hard. I'm sure his laughter was just as hard and long as mine. Hopefully, it is just the medicine he needs...

It has been almost three months at my job now, and I have loved every single solitary moment of it. Graveyards and all.  Probably more so because of the weird hours. I get in when most everyone is going to bed, or has already done so. I close up shop, settle in with my paperwork and chores, then fill my time with reading, movies, FB, or some other past time I can't get away with during the day...and the time flies by. Before I know it, it's morning and I am up and out of there three days out of my four before anyone even wakes up. The one day I stay until 10am, I get to hang with my clients for a few hours before they head off to ADT, and then I am free as a bird. I couldn't ask for an easier job and a more pleasant atmosphere to work in. Of course, each client is a unique individual and they each touch my heart in a different way. I look forward to seeing them again each week when I return from my time off. I can't wait to catch up with them and have them tell me of their week's events. I sometimes bring small token gifts, such as a borrowed movie to watch, just to see their faces light up with excitement and wonder. It is a great feeling.

I also had the pleasure of filling out my benefits packet this morning. It was an overwhelming process, my finding out just how well taken care of I am by my organization. The life, disability, health and dental benefits were generous, and the premiums were low enough with the $60 chip in they give me toward them...so I could actually afford to elect for orthodontics on the dental for Danielle to get her teeth fixed. It is more than I could have hope for...so much more. Of course, I will have to pay on top of it, since it is only a 50% match, but even that is awesomely generous compared to not having anything before. I know Dani is stoked.

I was also pleasantly surprised to see so many hours of holiday, paid leave, and sick leave thrown in for good measure. It makes me feel that life certainly knows what it's doing and I should just hush and stay out of it's way while it creates magnificence and wonder for me to behold....surely.

So, I will work diligently at doing just that...until next time......

So, yeah....wtf ever.

All I can say is, yeah...what the fuck ever. That's a sad statement to make, but there it is.

Ok. I've been doing my best to grow, evolve, move on...and allow myself to live life and love as though I've never been hurt. That is the admonition from anyone who wants to give advice to me about how I should approach this whole dating thing. Well, frankly, dating sucks ass. Over and over again, we give out pieces of ourselves to mere strangers. People who we aren't sure we'd share a bus seat with, and yet we are handing them pieces of our lives. Ugh. I am so disgusted right now. Can you tell?


I am back to understanding why the best relationship we can have is with ourselves. It is the most true and rewarding relationship there is to have, and never fails to give back all that we put into it. Acknowledging such, I am making a move at this very moment to dedicate each and every moment of the next six months to me, myself and I. I will spend time with friends and enjoy each and every moment, no matter where it leads me, and be unwilling to consider a one on one relationship with the opposite sex. What else can I do, since I know that I enjoy getting to know others and being social. But I also know that once they get to know me one on one, they push me to do just that (be exclusive). All the sudden I am desirable to the point that they want me for themselves...but I know damn good and well it is a fleeting thing and they will only be interested long enough to get to know any degree of me, then they will change their mind, decide they are too damaged for anything real and lasting, or whatever the hell shit they can come up with, and then they are gone...if not physically, then mentally.


Now, if I can just get past being angry at all of them, then I will realize that who I am most angry is at myself. I am disappointed that life has given me yet another opportunity to know the most incredible creation God has ever made just for me, and that is myself, and I have pissed it away . While I spend time on feeding and clothing this creation, I spend very little time getting to know the inner workings. It is as though I am almost afraid of what I will come to find, as though it won't live up to my own expectations. In all reality, what I come to know will most likely exceed my expectations to a degree thought impossible, most surely. After all, God is perfection, and all we make is perfect. Ok, hopefully this rambling ended more positive than it started. Let's see if I can live up to these high ideals........

Holy undecided...crap.

Well, it's been a fun-filled month. Dani's 17th birthday was just yesterday...she's so grown-up...my little girl. *sniff* I'm taking her and Jon to Jerry Johnson hot springs on Monday since school is out for President's Day & I got them tix to 3Oh3! for when they come to the Wilma March 12th. I will start my new graveyard shift by next week, so I won't be able to go myself....*sigh*.


Work is awesome. The new Crisis House will open next week. I am excited to see Hamilton growing in this way, providing new and valuable community services for those in need. This means that things at the Group Home will be a little less complicated and become more structured, which should make things a little easier on everyone. I look forward to the changes.

The issue with the trailer is finally solved. As I said, I paid off the balance and am sending the receipt in the mail. I don't expect a favorable response, if one comes at all. I find myself indifferent to the situation and to pretty much everything concerning him. This saddens me, when just months ago I was back to not being able to imagine a future that didn't include him. As quick as the turnaround has been I sound almost as fickle as he does in my affections. Ugh. That can't be good. I have to give myself some credit, as my feelings changed in response to realizations that could no longer be denied, about him and about myself. If nothing else, I am becoming more self aware. That has to be good....right?


I am still dating, and find I am in no hurry to rush into another heavy relationship. I invited the tile layer/drummer/bowler to bowling Monday night. With his expert instruction on my form, my average picked up 20 pins per game. Wow. He seems to think I can do even better. I am intrigued and think this needs more exploration...so I am hopeful he can free himself for the next few weeks that are left in my league play to give me much needed assistance....so we will see where this goes..

Crap. Get your shit together.

I spent last night trying to pull the threads of my life back together. Somewhere along the way there became a snag and now the threads have pulled loose and are creating havoc in my well-ordered world. I have decided that remaining single is my best option, yet I find myself having inconvenient and unwanted feelings of being attached to another. Wasn't I just attached to another not that long ago? Did it not work out? What did I come away from it learning? In my low moments, I fear I have learned nothing at all and am fated to walk the same path over and over again into all my future existences.

Regardless, I put my foot down on with the one that isn't free. I told him that I can't see him any more and won't until he has tied up his loose ends and pulled his head out of his ass. He tried to tell me that he can 'imagine himself falling in love with me.' WTF does that mean, anyway? Sweet words and promises are meaningless to me, and imaginings hold even less worth. Case in point: I can't even begin to picture myself living a life with him. I mean, what would that look like? He doesn't share his home life with me, and I am not encouraged to share mine with him.  Sharing of our deepest desires is pie-in-the sky daydreaming, the kind of which I can do with just about anyone, provided I feel they are sincere about hearing what I hope to achieve from this existence. I am all ok with that, but even I realize that to continue with him I would become a phantom in my own reality, unable to see my reflection as I pass mirrors and windows in his home coming to believing that everyone whose eyes alight upon me can see the scarlet 'A' emblazoned across my breast and will know that I am nothing more than a harlot, a mistress, the 'other woman.' Ok, pretty melodramatic imaginings, but still...what a way to exist. And to know that I am no better than the ex-wife who conspired with my husband to carry on just such an affair...well, that is truly effed up. What will I end up believing about myself? Where would it all end? At the end of a gun barrel, like it did with LaBecka when Todd made the same mistake? Man, I don't want to go down that road if I can at all avoid it..........so if I want to stay sane and breathing, I need to pull back and let go.


Now...with the drummer. Oh, my....well, that may be a different story. He is certainly very free and willing. He said as much when we last spoke, and how could I not believe him with that deep and sultry voice saying the very words I so wanted to hear....Mmmm...damn. An opportunity like that is hard to pass up, especially when he keeps sending me such delicious pics of himself doing the things he does best (playing guitar, wearing his cowboy hat, at work, getting ready...Mmmmhmm...). I flush and notice I'm smiling each time I get one and I practically beg for the next pic. Thank goodness he isn't shy in front of the camera. Wonder if he'd let me take some...  -.-  ... At this point, our biggest concern is determining compatibility, and so far we haven't found any areas where we conflict. The only area of concern I still harbor revolves around meeting his rather large and well-established family. I so don't have experience at being 'normal' around people...ugh. 

Makes me think of this joke: 
"There is a normal person in our house." *whispers...'Someone call 911.'*


or: My therapist met us today. It's probably not too far-fetched to guess I'm in trouble from here on out...

A Glorious Sunday Morning in the Life of a Single Woman

Yes, it's me, and I'm back. Finally. After all the soul-searching, digging deep, and cleaning out my closets, here I stand...ready to face the world as an individual. Probably for the first time ever. I can't remember a time when I've stood alone. And liked it. Hell, loved it.

But as I said, here I am...and it is scary...but glorious...and soooo freeing...

Ok, obviously a lot has changed. Re-engaging with Todd also meant re-engaging with all the worry, work, and hassle that came with him. Which was a lot more than what I remembered. Just dealing with his family alone was one tremendous headache that I hadn't considered when we reunited. It should have been at the top of my list of concerns. As it turned out, my life had been quiet and peaceful without him and his family in it, but I had forgotten the drama and turmoil that was involved in that whole mess until it was revisited upon me. It wasn't long after we got back together that it all started to fall apart again, but I refused to see it.


Anyway, long story short, Todd accused me of lying to the sheriff about an incident involving his brother's wife, as if I would cover for her...or anyone...but that is all moot now. Needless to say, my conscience wouldn't let me lie for either of them, so I told the truth and let the chips fall where they may. I can live with myself and have no regrets. However, Todd believed I lied. So...I told him that there was no reason for him to stay. He doesn't need to drag himself down by being with a liar, so I let him go...and haven't had a moment of regret since having the realization that I am better off without his fickle affections. The separation this time around took almost as long as it did when we divorced. Funny that it happened in the same months that it did exactly one year before, conveniently around tax time again. Hmmm....makes a person wonder...


Either way, it is over now. I shed tears the morning of my realization that it was over, but not a drop since then. I suspect that he shed none. I'm sure the anger will come in when he realizes that I have no intention of handing cash over to him from the tax return. During our reconciliation, I made a commitment to pay off the trailer he put money down on when he left me the first time. Why I did that I'm not sure. Maybe it was because I didn't want us to be in debt, as we'd worked so hard to pay off everything we owned. I also knew he hadn't made a payment to the little old lady since he first took it, and now it's been a year she's been waiting to be paid off. He left the contact info and contract for the trailer here, so I will be paying it off and simply sending him a receipt for the payment. There will be no cash payment in his hand from me this time around, as I don't trust him to use the money to pay it off. I will have fulfilled my obligation and truly believe I won't lose a moment's sleep over the outcome. When it comes down to it, I think I realize that the trust between us was so far gone from the first time around that I could never get it back. I tried so hard, though... :'(


So, now that toxin is out of my system, I can get back to the goodies. I applied for a job that I really wanted in early January and heard back on the 12th that I got it! Yippee! Of all things, it is actually something in my field...and just a month before my graduation. It couldn't have been timed better. The pay is excellent, the benefits are great, and the work is heaven-sent. There is nothing that could have come my way at this time in my life that would build me up more or make me feel more fulfilled and accomplished. I am so proud and excited to be working full-time with the Western Montana Mental Health Center (WMMHC) in their Eddy Meuchel Group Home (named after Fast Eddy, who died a couple of months ago...aww...)...and sometimes on-call in their newly built Crisis House. The people I work with are fantastic and the clients never fail to make my day. I have enjoyed every moment of the last month working in this new environment and I learn so much every day I'm lucky enough to be there. The time spent away from work doesn't seem to go fast enough sometimes... ;)


As for the rest of my life...well, there for a little bit right after he left things got a little wild. Me and the girls spent some time going out, drinking a bit, dancing a lot...coming home late or not at all. I guess it was just something I had to get out of my system. I have been openly single for a month now, and have had half a dozen dates with three guys. One was a dud from the get-go, but I did end up giving him one of the many puppies of Mariah's that I found homes for. The one he ended up with was the only male, and he named him Jack. I hope that although we didn't hit it off in the romance dept., that he will at least still send pics of Jack now and again so I can keep Mariah's puppy family close...lol. One of the guys I've been spending time with isn't really free. He claims that 'it's complicated,' which means that he's still with his ex...who obviously isn't really the ex...and they've become hopelessly entangled over the years, although he isn't happy, doesn't want to be with her...yada yada yada...blah blah blah...heard it all before. I told him that I'm not going to be the other woman...and that's that. Liars and cheaters are all the same and I want no truck with them. He can deal with it or not. I don't expect to hear anything encouraging on that front. The third one is a real doozy. Met him one night while out dancing. He was the drummer for the band and had one of those cowboy hats with 'attitude' on while he played. Short in stature, but built like a steel safe...mmmm...mmmm...yes. Is a dedicated father, tile layer, and avid bowler who owns a Toyota pickup. Yummy. What a combination. And hot underneath all those clothes to boot. I've imagined myself lying in bed with him some morning listening to him strum his guitar while he composes a song for me....mmmhmmm...man, does that sound nice. Probably pie-in-the-sky imaginings on my part, but a girl can daydream, right...?


Oh yes, and there is the long-time, tried and true, been-there-for-me-since-I-was-13 standby guy from my home state of Texas. I miss him as well. Shit, we practically grew up together. He will be coming up here to see me on the 4th of next month...for a week. I am excited to see him, but also a bit preoccupied. I feel like he has all these huge expectations for me, and I'm not sure that I can meet them. He says he's been waiting our whole lives for me to marry him...but I outgrew him at 15...and I find myself getting irritated and exasperated with him when we talk on the phone. It's like I'm 13 all over again...and it pisses me off sometimes. I know that when we are together it's different, but never for long before I revert to my childish ways. That's why I try to limit our contact to a few days every five years or so...but this time it will be a week...and I don't know if I can make it that long without going off and telling him like it is. I'm grown now...and not a little girl anymore...ugh. Can we get to know one another as adults and come to gain a new respect for where we are and where we want to be? Who the hell knows. I've got to give it a shot.....


Well, I should sit with this for a while...see if I can work through it and come out in a better place...let's cross our fingers and wait in breathless anticipation, shall we?

Man, it's been a long time...

Ok, here it is, days away from the New Year (2011), and I realize its been months and months since I last had anything to say....crap. Well, I've had plenty to say, only its been trapped in my head as a running narrative, sometimes with theme music to fit the situation. Life has certainly been full...and busy...but to find time to postulate, well that is a more complicated expectation that reality, so far, has been unable to support. 

So much has happened, I almost don't know where to start...

On the subject of There have come to be so many people I've had the pleasure to work with over the last few months. Excepting a few brave gentlemen, almost every one a strong and beautiful woman. For one in particular it was rather challenging, considering the proximity and relation. When children are involved it can be even more complicated and fraught with emotion. 

This work is more challenging than any I would have chosen for myself 20 years ago. My priorities have changed, and me with them. I am better than okay with that. I suppose the difference is 20 years ago I couldn't meet my own eyes in the mirror, and today it is by no means easy, but it isn't near as impossible a task as it once was.

Long time, no hear...

So, I realize its been a while and not much heard from me. Inside there has been chaos reigning, while on the outside I fight the battle of my life. Again, so much has changed in as little as a couple of months. If God were ever trying to underline the fact that nothing is permanent except change, He has certainly made his point with me.

Every day is a new day. Some days are better than others, but still one day at a time. Hell, sometimes its a moment by moment battle just to keep choosing to stay in the game.

In the time since I learned why I divorced (around the 12th of May...after my last Census training in Missoula, and after spending two nights with Todd...ugh), it has been a stampede of emotions. What a huge fucking wake up call, to hear that the person you've loved more than life itself has abandoned you and the family for someone else. Even worse, someone who treated him like dirt the first time around, then walked out on him and humiliated him by marrying another, while still claiming to love him deeply. That isn't what you do when you love someone. Learning the worst someone has to share, walking through fire, and sticking by their side no matter what comes out....now that is love.

Learning about the affair, both while we were still supposedly happily married and living together, and after he moved out, but well before the divorce was forced upon me...well, it has been truly a test of the faith I have built in the months since his departure.

The details of it all haunt me...the emails, phone calls, clandestine meetings, texts and pictures...the loving journal entries not directed at me...except mentions of how I was all wrong for him and she was all right...how I was the one in the way of their true love...which God had originally chosen and I was standing in the way of. Thoughts of them touching one another, sharing, being close and intimate in a way that was reserved exclusively for me through the vows we took. It is hard to put everything in its proper context to understand what is truly real in all this. It all haunts me...and may well for years to come. I have gaping wounds in my heart and soul...and the best I can hope for is minimal scarring.

Knowing now why it all happened the way it did does bring with it good. I can look at myself in the mirror, knowing that it was not some terminal flaw within me that pushed him out of our home; that it was something within him that was missing and out of place. I have learned it is okay to be a woman, but better yet, to fully embrace all that is feminine and make it mine. I love myself more than I did the day he left. I cry openly now, and laugh with abandon...feeling guilt over neither.

Another day, another suicide...

This was written January 13th

So things have been quiet since the blowup the other day. Todd's been to a couple of counseling sessions, started taking his antidepressants, and seems to be evening out some. I'm not sure where he's at with anything right now. All I know is what has happened over the last four days or so, and that's that he flipped out, calmed down a bit, and has been kinda quiet and weirdly okay ever since. The two separate counselors that he saw both told him that he should leave the house (the second also told him to remove his guns from the house and leave them with someone he trusts...obviously not me). I told him that he should do what he thinks is best for himself...and that if leaving is what it took to be okay, then by all means, do it. He said he didn't want to, and that he was pushing that option away...which I didn't understand at all. Maybe it's because I reminded him before he went to counseling about the promises he made when he came back into our lives...that he wouldn't run..that he would work things through...that he wouldn't just walk away again without even trying...but I'm beginning to wonder if I didn't do more harm than good by reminding him of such things. Now I can't tell if he's staying because he wants to and is safe and secure here, or if he's staying because he made the commitment to do so. Fuck.

Here we go again...

Just one year ago tomorrow I was filing the paperwork for my divorce. I had spent the month prior to filing in a state of constant fear and anxiety; simply sick at the sound of my phone's ring tone. The place I'm in today is just another shade of a year ago...and it makes me sick to my stomach to even think on it.

I have come so far, and yet feel just like I did on that day so long ago. Scared. Confused. Overwhelmed and unsure how to proceed. I recently interviewed for and got the job of my dreams. I wanted to help people, and now have the opportunity to do that on a daily basis, and at a pay rate that makes it easy to show up in more that just the flesh. I see how easily I will be able to put my heart and soul into this...and it scares me just a bit. Crisis Stabilization Worker. On-call at the moment, but it promises to be oh so much more in the near future. I am excited, and yet anxious. I should be ecstatic to have found a paying job that fits my hopes and dreams so well...and yet, I'm rather subdued about the whole affair. I know that the status of my personal life plays directly into my perception of achieving my dreams. I know that my reaction is not all that it should be, and that I seriously need to reevaluate my purpose in this life and set different priorities. Namely, I need to start looking into my eyes when they meet my reflection in the mirror...and go from there.


It has been deceptively easy to maintain the one constant in my life: truth. I say deceptively because living through the consequences of not bending on that one unfailing value wears me down physically and emotionally. Spiritually, my soul knows that the reward it works for in embracing truth is not of this world, so holding constant  is easy work for the soul, but the heart that surrounds it aches with the pain of sacrifice. I've sacrificed an adopted family that I've loved no matter what they have said or done to me or the kids. We all love them so much, and have suffered when we were cut off from them. They don't seem to see or believe in that love, or want it anywhere near them, so we have to keep our distance. I'm sure that some of their animosity toward me and the kids has to do with the things Todd has told them and the things they have assumed by what he hasn't said or denied. It tears my heart to pieces to think of the moments and memories we've lost, and of those that seem to have no future. The kids are just as devastated over the opportunity for family they feel they've lost, and they struggle with hurt, anger, frustration, disappointment, disillusionment...and the lot. They are afraid to open their hearts again and be vulnerable again to rejection....and I understand that all too well, for I fear the same.


Just two days ago, Todd and I were discussing Clay & Laura's situation. I realize that I never should have gotten involved in their issues, but I also feel that I was forced into doing so. I was pushed by more than one side to communicate and spend 'girl time' with her, and it was inevitable that I get to know her and come to see her as a human being. Just the same, I never asked that Clay be so blatantly explicit in his distaste and apparent lack of desire for keeping Laura around, and that his express goal was to have sole custody of his beautiful baby boy. Unfortunately, I didn't listen to Todd's sage advice to stay away the night after Thanksgiving, and found myself right in the midst of their power struggle to get the upper hand. I can't describe it, but I felt compelled to help because I was explicitly called and asked to do so. How could I refuse to help someone in need? I didn't expect that playing a neutral party would allow myself to be put into a pivotal position of need from both parties. One claiming that violent misdeeds occurred against an innocent child, and the other not really sure what went on in the heat of such high emotional turmoil. Unfortunately for myself, I didn't consider the plight of either party's side and simply stated what I saw from my perspective. End up that Katherine was present that night and simply did the same when questioned by investigators. All of our stories were inconsistent with one another, save for Clay's and Megan's, who were almost exactly the same. Laura herself was unsure of the events, and said so. So....where does that leave us? 

In the end, it seems I am the liar...and Katherine along with me. Katherine has a history of lying...so it must be taken into account. Do I have such a history? I obviously need to examine my own history to see if this is something I have a pattern of doing...

Either way, this whole situation sits unwell with Todd. He has begun to shun communication with his family, supposedly for my benefit. I have no idea how this should benefit me. I suppose if I wanted him to hate my guts, that would be the strategy to use. He went off on me the other morning, calling me a 'lying fucking bitch'...which really boosted my sense of self esteem. I asked what I'd lied about and there were no exact instance forthcoming, however, he did share that 'although I'm not positive of anything specific, I have a feeling I can't put my finger on...'. Further, I am guilty of wanting him to myself exclusively, isolating him and keeping him from all family, friends, acquaintances, extracurricular activities, etc....and this is especially strange. I remember specifically asking him if we could go up to his mom's for Christmas Eve and Christmas Day. I think the real reason he said no and didn't want to go is because he's aware of their distaste for me and he didn't want to force my company on them. He says he knows this hurts me, so he doesn't tell me when they actually ask him to leave me behind, instead he just contrives to do just that...without saying a word to me. It's as if he believes I can't feel their hatred of me. I don't think I'm the center of the world, or alone in feeling they can't stand me...as there are at least three other women involved with this family's men that also fall into that category. I often remember that feeling of relief that came over me when I realized that I was no longer tied to the family after my divorce. That realization improved our relationship dramatically...but now that I've crossed the line and am trying to share a life with a Mathew's boy, I am back on the chopping block.


I love this man. Knowing he withholds from me, distrusts me, and sees me as the enemy is the source of my greatest pain. He promised me when he walked back into my life that he wouldn't hold back any more; that he wouldn't break his promise to me not to run. He told me he loved me and wanted to remarry me because divorcing me had been the biggest mistake of his life. He asked if I would be upset with him if he didn't give up on convincing me to be his wife again. I said no. I wanted him to not give up. To prove that he meant what he said, and would put those words into actions that would leave no doubt as to his love for me. I believed him. I saw him at his worst, his very blackest moments of devastation and destruction to those around him. I saw his pain and need to make amends and embrace genuine love, and I opened my arms to him and cried with him. I eased his way through some of the most difficult and vulnerable moments of his life with soothing words of love and forgiveness, simply because I love him for better/worse, rich/poor, sickness/health...all those vows I took and never let go of...Why would he lie to me? Again. 

Because of this, I don't want to love him. I'm terrified that he will lay waste to my heart and leave behind a shell, unable to receive love without suspicion that it will be fleeting and couldn't possibly last. I want to be free. I want to love me again. More than anyone else. I don't want to be desperate and lonely any more. I deserve better. I am more than just who I choose to be with. I need to be the one I choose to be with....more and more, and let go of what may merely be the illusion of love...and no more than the figment of my overwrought imagination...