Love. Meh...

Meh...love. Wtf is up with that...?!

Ok, I've been doing this 'dating' thing for better than a year, off and on. I am no better at it  now than I was way back in the day when I actually half ass knew what I was doing. Not that I've ever known what I was doing...but I'm digressing. 

I've been spending time with one of the guys that I spent time with when Todd and I split the first time. I knew at the time that I shouldn't be spending time with this particular guy, but I found myself doing it anyway. Almost in spite of it. Come on...I knew he was seeing someone he'd been in a long term relationship with for as long as I'd known of him. But in all truthfulness, he'd been the first one of us show interest and then pursued me, not the other way around. Knowing this, I'd signed on with a guy who would admittedly cheat on his partner. Omg, he's Todd...........  


Hearing myself spell it out here in black and white, it is hard to try and sell myself on the idea that I didn't know what I was getting myself into...so how do I move forward from here? Shit. I've gone and allowed myself to have increasingly stronger feelings for a totally unavailable (emotionally or otherwise) guy, and now am almost to the point of crying and being morbidly depressed when he leaves town for the weekend. I am even jealous of his truck. Fuck. You gotta be kidding me, Susan....ugh!

Good lord, where to begin. I suppose going back over the our time last year and our last few months may let me get a clearer perspective on how I got where I am, and a larger picture so I can see where to go from here.......hmmm...where to start.....*sits with chin in hand, staring off into space with a blank look*

Alright. I was breaking up with Andrew when I 'met' Brad. I'd known of him for some five years or more from working at Riverside Conoco.  Understand, it was a passing acquaintance only, simply for business reasons, and didn't allow me to know anything too personal about him what-so-ever...with the exception that he was always working or playing and never had a female with him. Beyond that, all I knew was his name and status as a customer. Brad had been invited by Andrew to assist in convincing me that I should give Andrew another chance to prove his worthiness. Of course, Brad being the good guy that he is, did his best to convince me that Andrew loved me and wanted nothing but the best for me. I informed him that I didn't have the capacity to provide care for an alcoholic when I had a family relying on me at home. He said he understood and waited for an alone moment to offer his phone number so that we could talk about our concerns for Andrew more privately. This should have tipped me off and set my alarm bells ringing...and in many ways it did...but I ignored it. Besides talking on the phone, Brad came over later that day as well. In a phone conversation that followed, he told me about the 'spark' of electricity he'd felt pass between us when we'd spoken the first time at Andrew's...and how it had happened again at my house. How could I deny it if he said it had happened.... After all, it wasn't the kind of thing that it made sense to fake....right?

Ok....so, enter Brad onto the scene. I texted and talked to him many times over the two months that followed. We got together every now and again and even had some close encounters, but all in all, I knew about his significant other and neither of us ever went any further.  Cut to January of this year...and I sent him a text not but a few days, possibly a week, after asking Todd to leave the house...while I was out on a hockey night with my girlfriend's. We ended up drinking while at the game that night, and had quite a few more while dancing the night away in Florence at the High Spirits. That night I'd been chased around the bar by a very handsome and sweet 22 yr-old that I later took home...anway, I get off track here obviously...so, I never heard back from Brad that night. Sometime the next day I think he texted me back...and seemed to be surprised and delighted about hearing from me. He asked if I actually meant to text him, or if it had been an accident. I assured him I had meant to, although I didn't tell him I'd also texted a few others that night as well. No sense in sharing everything right out of the gate....and I still knew about his significant other, Kris.

So, seems that much hadn't changed in the year that we did other things...and other people. We both were in about the same place as we'd left one another...and here we were again. I eventually ended up being so put out by the single guys I was dating (insert Ryan and Jeff here) that I gave him more and more time to entertain me. I was so entertained sometimes that I even offered up cash to help purchase a radiator for our toy of choice, the 'big' truck...and allowed him to continue to taunt me in a sexual way for weeks and weeks...until he kept hinting that it was going to happen eventually, so I put him to the challenge and told him I expected not to be disappointed..which really seemed to deflate him some and cause some anxiety...but brought him down a few notches. Until then, he'd had an arrogant streak that was hard to tolerate, especially since I knew it cleverly hid a very damaged self-esteem. As much as I wanted to feel sorry for him, I wanted to slap the fuck out of that arrogance first...so I issued the challenge and sat back to watch the show. It worked. For that I was grateful. Ever since then, his damaged self-esteem has come to the forefront and arrogance is now saved for his friends and acquaintences, instead of for me. He seemed to be spending all his time with me, and didn't really seem to have any time to still be seeing Kris, so I assumed that he'd cooled things off with her...which was helped by the fact that I never brought her up or questioned him about anything, but in a way it wouldn't have mattered to me if he had still been seeing her...as I never saw her as competition. I actually felt and still feel really sorry for her. While I'm sure he has his flaws, Brad is a sweet and kind soul; very loving and affectionate...and passionate. He has a hard time believing I see him this way, but if he could see what I see, he would be amazed...surely.

We ended up being a very favorable match physically, and for that I am extremely grateful, although I sometimes wish I weren't as attracted to him as I am. It can be inconvenient to want to keep my distance and then he comes within a city block of me and I am unable to say no or resist even the slightest suggestion. It is especially inconvenient if I at all wish to keep my heart and it's ability to love freely intact, as I put myself at risk every time we touch. He seems surprised by my intense physical and emotional reaction to his nearness, but it's simply because he doesn't understand me...which can only be solved with time and nearness...and that is in short supply these days.

He's called me several times over the last week or so, since saying he needed space and time to figure things out. In the last few days he's asked a couple of questions that seem to be easy to answer, but he had difficulty asking them. The first was if I'd work in the office, helping his mother to run the family business. The second was about sharing problems and bills. I said yes to the first, provided it was on my off time. To the second, I responded that a shared life means shared resources/assets and liabilities/responsibilities. There is no middle ground where I handle my shit and he handles his. That is leading separate lives and not how I want to live my life. God in me knows that I was meant to be a partner and work and live side by side with a mate. I have not a single doubt that a person who feels the same way will someday find me...

Love. Meh. -/-



 

I'm so in love with....Me!

Ah, yes...I am deeply and madly in love...with me. And it is a good thing, for it's always full of joy and laughter at myself. Just this morning is a prime example. Here was Joseph, telling me how cute my ass looked in these jeans, and Bam! I fall flat on my face. Couldn't have been timed better...Classic. I thought I'd throw up from laughing so hard. I'm sure his laughter was just as hard and long as mine. Hopefully, it is just the medicine he needs...

It has been almost three months at my job now, and I have loved every single solitary moment of it. Graveyards and all.  Probably more so because of the weird hours. I get in when most everyone is going to bed, or has already done so. I close up shop, settle in with my paperwork and chores, then fill my time with reading, movies, FB, or some other past time I can't get away with during the day...and the time flies by. Before I know it, it's morning and I am up and out of there three days out of my four before anyone even wakes up. The one day I stay until 10am, I get to hang with my clients for a few hours before they head off to ADT, and then I am free as a bird. I couldn't ask for an easier job and a more pleasant atmosphere to work in. Of course, each client is a unique individual and they each touch my heart in a different way. I look forward to seeing them again each week when I return from my time off. I can't wait to catch up with them and have them tell me of their week's events. I sometimes bring small token gifts, such as a borrowed movie to watch, just to see their faces light up with excitement and wonder. It is a great feeling.

I also had the pleasure of filling out my benefits packet this morning. It was an overwhelming process, my finding out just how well taken care of I am by my organization. The life, disability, health and dental benefits were generous, and the premiums were low enough with the $60 chip in they give me toward them...so I could actually afford to elect for orthodontics on the dental for Danielle to get her teeth fixed. It is more than I could have hope for...so much more. Of course, I will have to pay on top of it, since it is only a 50% match, but even that is awesomely generous compared to not having anything before. I know Dani is stoked.

I was also pleasantly surprised to see so many hours of holiday, paid leave, and sick leave thrown in for good measure. It makes me feel that life certainly knows what it's doing and I should just hush and stay out of it's way while it creates magnificence and wonder for me to behold....surely.

So, I will work diligently at doing just that...until next time......

So, yeah....wtf ever.

All I can say is, yeah...what the fuck ever. That's a sad statement to make, but there it is.

Ok. I've been doing my best to grow, evolve, move on...and allow myself to live life and love as though I've never been hurt. That is the admonition from anyone who wants to give advice to me about how I should approach this whole dating thing. Well, frankly, dating sucks ass. Over and over again, we give out pieces of ourselves to mere strangers. People who we aren't sure we'd share a bus seat with, and yet we are handing them pieces of our lives. Ugh. I am so disgusted right now. Can you tell?


I am back to understanding why the best relationship we can have is with ourselves. It is the most true and rewarding relationship there is to have, and never fails to give back all that we put into it. Acknowledging such, I am making a move at this very moment to dedicate each and every moment of the next six months to me, myself and I. I will spend time with friends and enjoy each and every moment, no matter where it leads me, and be unwilling to consider a one on one relationship with the opposite sex. What else can I do, since I know that I enjoy getting to know others and being social. But I also know that once they get to know me one on one, they push me to do just that (be exclusive). All the sudden I am desirable to the point that they want me for themselves...but I know damn good and well it is a fleeting thing and they will only be interested long enough to get to know any degree of me, then they will change their mind, decide they are too damaged for anything real and lasting, or whatever the hell shit they can come up with, and then they are gone...if not physically, then mentally.


Now, if I can just get past being angry at all of them, then I will realize that who I am most angry is at myself. I am disappointed that life has given me yet another opportunity to know the most incredible creation God has ever made just for me, and that is myself, and I have pissed it away . While I spend time on feeding and clothing this creation, I spend very little time getting to know the inner workings. It is as though I am almost afraid of what I will come to find, as though it won't live up to my own expectations. In all reality, what I come to know will most likely exceed my expectations to a degree thought impossible, most surely. After all, God is perfection, and all we make is perfect. Ok, hopefully this rambling ended more positive than it started. Let's see if I can live up to these high ideals........