Well, it's been a fun-filled month. Dani's 17th birthday was just yesterday...she's so grown-up...my little girl. *sniff* I'm taking her and Jon to Jerry Johnson hot springs on Monday since school is out for President's Day & I got them tix to 3Oh3! for when they come to the Wilma March 12th. I will start my new graveyard shift by next week, so I won't be able to go myself....*sigh*.
Work is awesome. The new Crisis House will open next week. I am excited to see Hamilton growing in this way, providing new and valuable community services for those in need. This means that things at the Group Home will be a little less complicated and become more structured, which should make things a little easier on everyone. I look forward to the changes.
The issue with the trailer is finally solved. As I said, I paid off the balance and am sending the receipt in the mail. I don't expect a favorable response, if one comes at all. I find myself indifferent to the situation and to pretty much everything concerning him. This saddens me, when just months ago I was back to not being able to imagine a future that didn't include him. As quick as the turnaround has been I sound almost as fickle as he does in my affections. Ugh. That can't be good. I have to give myself some credit, as my feelings changed in response to realizations that could no longer be denied, about him and about myself. If nothing else, I am becoming more self aware. That has to be good....right?
I am still dating, and find I am in no hurry to rush into another heavy relationship. I invited the tile layer/drummer/bowler to bowling Monday night. With his expert instruction on my form, my average picked up 20 pins per game. Wow. He seems to think I can do even better. I am intrigued and think this needs more exploration...so I am hopeful he can free himself for the next few weeks that are left in my league play to give me much needed assistance....so we will see where this goes..
Friday, February 18, 2011
Tuesday, February 15, 2011
Crap. Get your shit together.
I spent last night trying to pull the threads of my life back together. Somewhere along the way there became a snag and now the threads have pulled loose and are creating havoc in my well-ordered world. I have decided that remaining single is my best option, yet I find myself having inconvenient and unwanted feelings of being attached to another. Wasn't I just attached to another not that long ago? Did it not work out? What did I come away from it learning? In my low moments, I fear I have learned nothing at all and am fated to walk the same path over and over again into all my future existences.
Regardless, I put my foot down on with the one that isn't free. I told him that I can't see him any more and won't until he has tied up his loose ends and pulled his head out of his ass. He tried to tell me that he can 'imagine himself falling in love with me.' WTF does that mean, anyway? Sweet words and promises are meaningless to me, and imaginings hold even less worth. Case in point: I can't even begin to picture myself living a life with him. I mean, what would that look like? He doesn't share his home life with me, and I am not encouraged to share mine with him. Sharing of our deepest desires is pie-in-the sky daydreaming, the kind of which I can do with just about anyone, provided I feel they are sincere about hearing what I hope to achieve from this existence. I am all ok with that, but even I realize that to continue with him I would become a phantom in my own reality, unable to see my reflection as I pass mirrors and windows in his home coming to believing that everyone whose eyes alight upon me can see the scarlet 'A' emblazoned across my breast and will know that I am nothing more than a harlot, a mistress, the 'other woman.' Ok, pretty melodramatic imaginings, but still...what a way to exist. And to know that I am no better than the ex-wife who conspired with my husband to carry on just such an affair...well, that is truly effed up. What will I end up believing about myself? Where would it all end? At the end of a gun barrel, like it did with LaBecka when Todd made the same mistake? Man, I don't want to go down that road if I can at all avoid it..........so if I want to stay sane and breathing, I need to pull back and let go.
Now...with the drummer. Oh, my....well, that may be a different story. He is certainly very free and willing. He said as much when we last spoke, and how could I not believe him with that deep and sultry voice saying the very words I so wanted to hear....Mmmm...damn. An opportunity like that is hard to pass up, especially when he keeps sending me such delicious pics of himself doing the things he does best (playing guitar, wearing his cowboy hat, at work, getting ready...Mmmmhmm...). I flush and notice I'm smiling each time I get one and I practically beg for the next pic. Thank goodness he isn't shy in front of the camera. Wonder if he'd let me take some... -.- ... At this point, our biggest concern is determining compatibility, and so far we haven't found any areas where we conflict. The only area of concern I still harbor revolves around meeting his rather large and well-established family. I so don't have experience at being 'normal' around people...ugh.
Makes me think of this joke:
"There is a normal person in our house." *whispers...'Someone call 911.'*
or: My therapist met us today. It's probably not too far-fetched to guess I'm in trouble from here on out...
Regardless, I put my foot down on with the one that isn't free. I told him that I can't see him any more and won't until he has tied up his loose ends and pulled his head out of his ass. He tried to tell me that he can 'imagine himself falling in love with me.' WTF does that mean, anyway? Sweet words and promises are meaningless to me, and imaginings hold even less worth. Case in point: I can't even begin to picture myself living a life with him. I mean, what would that look like? He doesn't share his home life with me, and I am not encouraged to share mine with him. Sharing of our deepest desires is pie-in-the sky daydreaming, the kind of which I can do with just about anyone, provided I feel they are sincere about hearing what I hope to achieve from this existence. I am all ok with that, but even I realize that to continue with him I would become a phantom in my own reality, unable to see my reflection as I pass mirrors and windows in his home coming to believing that everyone whose eyes alight upon me can see the scarlet 'A' emblazoned across my breast and will know that I am nothing more than a harlot, a mistress, the 'other woman.' Ok, pretty melodramatic imaginings, but still...what a way to exist. And to know that I am no better than the ex-wife who conspired with my husband to carry on just such an affair...well, that is truly effed up. What will I end up believing about myself? Where would it all end? At the end of a gun barrel, like it did with LaBecka when Todd made the same mistake? Man, I don't want to go down that road if I can at all avoid it..........so if I want to stay sane and breathing, I need to pull back and let go.
Now...with the drummer. Oh, my....well, that may be a different story. He is certainly very free and willing. He said as much when we last spoke, and how could I not believe him with that deep and sultry voice saying the very words I so wanted to hear....Mmmm...damn. An opportunity like that is hard to pass up, especially when he keeps sending me such delicious pics of himself doing the things he does best (playing guitar, wearing his cowboy hat, at work, getting ready...Mmmmhmm...). I flush and notice I'm smiling each time I get one and I practically beg for the next pic. Thank goodness he isn't shy in front of the camera. Wonder if he'd let me take some... -.- ... At this point, our biggest concern is determining compatibility, and so far we haven't found any areas where we conflict. The only area of concern I still harbor revolves around meeting his rather large and well-established family. I so don't have experience at being 'normal' around people...ugh.
Makes me think of this joke:
"There is a normal person in our house." *whispers...'Someone call 911.'*
or: My therapist met us today. It's probably not too far-fetched to guess I'm in trouble from here on out...
Sunday, February 13, 2011
A Glorious Sunday Morning in the Life of a Single Woman
Yes, it's me, and I'm back. Finally. After all the soul-searching, digging deep, and cleaning out my closets, here I stand...ready to face the world as an individual. Probably for the first time ever. I can't remember a time when I've stood alone. And liked it. Hell, loved it.
But as I said, here I am...and it is scary...but glorious...and soooo freeing...
Ok, obviously a lot has changed. Re-engaging with Todd also meant re-engaging with all the worry, work, and hassle that came with him. Which was a lot more than what I remembered. Just dealing with his family alone was one tremendous headache that I hadn't considered when we reunited. It should have been at the top of my list of concerns. As it turned out, my life had been quiet and peaceful without him and his family in it, but I had forgotten the drama and turmoil that was involved in that whole mess until it was revisited upon me. It wasn't long after we got back together that it all started to fall apart again, but I refused to see it.
Anyway, long story short, Todd accused me of lying to the sheriff about an incident involving his brother's wife, as if I would cover for her...or anyone...but that is all moot now. Needless to say, my conscience wouldn't let me lie for either of them, so I told the truth and let the chips fall where they may. I can live with myself and have no regrets. However, Todd believed I lied. So...I told him that there was no reason for him to stay. He doesn't need to drag himself down by being with a liar, so I let him go...and haven't had a moment of regret since having the realization that I am better off without his fickle affections. The separation this time around took almost as long as it did when we divorced. Funny that it happened in the same months that it did exactly one year before, conveniently around tax time again. Hmmm....makes a person wonder...
Either way, it is over now. I shed tears the morning of my realization that it was over, but not a drop since then. I suspect that he shed none. I'm sure the anger will come in when he realizes that I have no intention of handing cash over to him from the tax return. During our reconciliation, I made a commitment to pay off the trailer he put money down on when he left me the first time. Why I did that I'm not sure. Maybe it was because I didn't want us to be in debt, as we'd worked so hard to pay off everything we owned. I also knew he hadn't made a payment to the little old lady since he first took it, and now it's been a year she's been waiting to be paid off. He left the contact info and contract for the trailer here, so I will be paying it off and simply sending him a receipt for the payment. There will be no cash payment in his hand from me this time around, as I don't trust him to use the money to pay it off. I will have fulfilled my obligation and truly believe I won't lose a moment's sleep over the outcome. When it comes down to it, I think I realize that the trust between us was so far gone from the first time around that I could never get it back. I tried so hard, though... :'(
So, now that toxin is out of my system, I can get back to the goodies. I applied for a job that I really wanted in early January and heard back on the 12th that I got it! Yippee! Of all things, it is actually something in my field...and just a month before my graduation. It couldn't have been timed better. The pay is excellent, the benefits are great, and the work is heaven-sent. There is nothing that could have come my way at this time in my life that would build me up more or make me feel more fulfilled and accomplished. I am so proud and excited to be working full-time with the Western Montana Mental Health Center (WMMHC) in their Eddy Meuchel Group Home (named after Fast Eddy, who died a couple of months ago...aww...)...and sometimes on-call in their newly built Crisis House. The people I work with are fantastic and the clients never fail to make my day. I have enjoyed every moment of the last month working in this new environment and I learn so much every day I'm lucky enough to be there. The time spent away from work doesn't seem to go fast enough sometimes... ;)
As for the rest of my life...well, there for a little bit right after he left things got a little wild. Me and the girls spent some time going out, drinking a bit, dancing a lot...coming home late or not at all. I guess it was just something I had to get out of my system. I have been openly single for a month now, and have had half a dozen dates with three guys. One was a dud from the get-go, but I did end up giving him one of the many puppies of Mariah's that I found homes for. The one he ended up with was the only male, and he named him Jack. I hope that although we didn't hit it off in the romance dept., that he will at least still send pics of Jack now and again so I can keep Mariah's puppy family close...lol. One of the guys I've been spending time with isn't really free. He claims that 'it's complicated,' which means that he's still with his ex...who obviously isn't really the ex...and they've become hopelessly entangled over the years, although he isn't happy, doesn't want to be with her...yada yada yada...blah blah blah...heard it all before. I told him that I'm not going to be the other woman...and that's that. Liars and cheaters are all the same and I want no truck with them. He can deal with it or not. I don't expect to hear anything encouraging on that front. The third one is a real doozy. Met him one night while out dancing. He was the drummer for the band and had one of those cowboy hats with 'attitude' on while he played. Short in stature, but built like a steel safe...mmmm...mmmm...yes. Is a dedicated father, tile layer, and avid bowler who owns a Toyota pickup. Yummy. What a combination. And hot underneath all those clothes to boot. I've imagined myself lying in bed with him some morning listening to him strum his guitar while he composes a song for me....mmmhmmm...man, does that sound nice. Probably pie-in-the-sky imaginings on my part, but a girl can daydream, right...?
Oh yes, and there is the long-time, tried and true, been-there-for-me-since-I-was-13 standby guy from my home state of Texas. I miss him as well. Shit, we practically grew up together. He will be coming up here to see me on the 4th of next month...for a week. I am excited to see him, but also a bit preoccupied. I feel like he has all these huge expectations for me, and I'm not sure that I can meet them. He says he's been waiting our whole lives for me to marry him...but I outgrew him at 15...and I find myself getting irritated and exasperated with him when we talk on the phone. It's like I'm 13 all over again...and it pisses me off sometimes. I know that when we are together it's different, but never for long before I revert to my childish ways. That's why I try to limit our contact to a few days every five years or so...but this time it will be a week...and I don't know if I can make it that long without going off and telling him like it is. I'm grown now...and not a little girl anymore...ugh. Can we get to know one another as adults and come to gain a new respect for where we are and where we want to be? Who the hell knows. I've got to give it a shot.....
Well, I should sit with this for a while...see if I can work through it and come out in a better place...let's cross our fingers and wait in breathless anticipation, shall we?
But as I said, here I am...and it is scary...but glorious...and soooo freeing...
Ok, obviously a lot has changed. Re-engaging with Todd also meant re-engaging with all the worry, work, and hassle that came with him. Which was a lot more than what I remembered. Just dealing with his family alone was one tremendous headache that I hadn't considered when we reunited. It should have been at the top of my list of concerns. As it turned out, my life had been quiet and peaceful without him and his family in it, but I had forgotten the drama and turmoil that was involved in that whole mess until it was revisited upon me. It wasn't long after we got back together that it all started to fall apart again, but I refused to see it.
Anyway, long story short, Todd accused me of lying to the sheriff about an incident involving his brother's wife, as if I would cover for her...or anyone...but that is all moot now. Needless to say, my conscience wouldn't let me lie for either of them, so I told the truth and let the chips fall where they may. I can live with myself and have no regrets. However, Todd believed I lied. So...I told him that there was no reason for him to stay. He doesn't need to drag himself down by being with a liar, so I let him go...and haven't had a moment of regret since having the realization that I am better off without his fickle affections. The separation this time around took almost as long as it did when we divorced. Funny that it happened in the same months that it did exactly one year before, conveniently around tax time again. Hmmm....makes a person wonder...
Either way, it is over now. I shed tears the morning of my realization that it was over, but not a drop since then. I suspect that he shed none. I'm sure the anger will come in when he realizes that I have no intention of handing cash over to him from the tax return. During our reconciliation, I made a commitment to pay off the trailer he put money down on when he left me the first time. Why I did that I'm not sure. Maybe it was because I didn't want us to be in debt, as we'd worked so hard to pay off everything we owned. I also knew he hadn't made a payment to the little old lady since he first took it, and now it's been a year she's been waiting to be paid off. He left the contact info and contract for the trailer here, so I will be paying it off and simply sending him a receipt for the payment. There will be no cash payment in his hand from me this time around, as I don't trust him to use the money to pay it off. I will have fulfilled my obligation and truly believe I won't lose a moment's sleep over the outcome. When it comes down to it, I think I realize that the trust between us was so far gone from the first time around that I could never get it back. I tried so hard, though... :'(
So, now that toxin is out of my system, I can get back to the goodies. I applied for a job that I really wanted in early January and heard back on the 12th that I got it! Yippee! Of all things, it is actually something in my field...and just a month before my graduation. It couldn't have been timed better. The pay is excellent, the benefits are great, and the work is heaven-sent. There is nothing that could have come my way at this time in my life that would build me up more or make me feel more fulfilled and accomplished. I am so proud and excited to be working full-time with the Western Montana Mental Health Center (WMMHC) in their Eddy Meuchel Group Home (named after Fast Eddy, who died a couple of months ago...aww...)...and sometimes on-call in their newly built Crisis House. The people I work with are fantastic and the clients never fail to make my day. I have enjoyed every moment of the last month working in this new environment and I learn so much every day I'm lucky enough to be there. The time spent away from work doesn't seem to go fast enough sometimes... ;)
As for the rest of my life...well, there for a little bit right after he left things got a little wild. Me and the girls spent some time going out, drinking a bit, dancing a lot...coming home late or not at all. I guess it was just something I had to get out of my system. I have been openly single for a month now, and have had half a dozen dates with three guys. One was a dud from the get-go, but I did end up giving him one of the many puppies of Mariah's that I found homes for. The one he ended up with was the only male, and he named him Jack. I hope that although we didn't hit it off in the romance dept., that he will at least still send pics of Jack now and again so I can keep Mariah's puppy family close...lol. One of the guys I've been spending time with isn't really free. He claims that 'it's complicated,' which means that he's still with his ex...who obviously isn't really the ex...and they've become hopelessly entangled over the years, although he isn't happy, doesn't want to be with her...yada yada yada...blah blah blah...heard it all before. I told him that I'm not going to be the other woman...and that's that. Liars and cheaters are all the same and I want no truck with them. He can deal with it or not. I don't expect to hear anything encouraging on that front. The third one is a real doozy. Met him one night while out dancing. He was the drummer for the band and had one of those cowboy hats with 'attitude' on while he played. Short in stature, but built like a steel safe...mmmm...mmmm...yes. Is a dedicated father, tile layer, and avid bowler who owns a Toyota pickup. Yummy. What a combination. And hot underneath all those clothes to boot. I've imagined myself lying in bed with him some morning listening to him strum his guitar while he composes a song for me....mmmhmmm...man, does that sound nice. Probably pie-in-the-sky imaginings on my part, but a girl can daydream, right...?
Oh yes, and there is the long-time, tried and true, been-there-for-me-since-I-was-13 standby guy from my home state of Texas. I miss him as well. Shit, we practically grew up together. He will be coming up here to see me on the 4th of next month...for a week. I am excited to see him, but also a bit preoccupied. I feel like he has all these huge expectations for me, and I'm not sure that I can meet them. He says he's been waiting our whole lives for me to marry him...but I outgrew him at 15...and I find myself getting irritated and exasperated with him when we talk on the phone. It's like I'm 13 all over again...and it pisses me off sometimes. I know that when we are together it's different, but never for long before I revert to my childish ways. That's why I try to limit our contact to a few days every five years or so...but this time it will be a week...and I don't know if I can make it that long without going off and telling him like it is. I'm grown now...and not a little girl anymore...ugh. Can we get to know one another as adults and come to gain a new respect for where we are and where we want to be? Who the hell knows. I've got to give it a shot.....
Well, I should sit with this for a while...see if I can work through it and come out in a better place...let's cross our fingers and wait in breathless anticipation, shall we?
Man, it's been a long time...
Ok, here it is, days away from the New Year (2011), and I realize its been months and months since I last had anything to say....crap. Well, I've had plenty to say, only its been trapped in my head as a running narrative, sometimes with theme music to fit the situation. Life has certainly been full...and busy...but to find time to postulate, well that is a more complicated expectation that reality, so far, has been unable to support.
So much has happened, I almost don't know where to start...
On the subject of There have come to be so many people I've had the pleasure to work with over the last few months. Excepting a few brave gentlemen, almost every one a strong and beautiful woman. For one in particular it was rather challenging, considering the proximity and relation. When children are involved it can be even more complicated and fraught with emotion.
This work is more challenging than any I would have chosen for myself 20 years ago. My priorities have changed, and me with them. I am better than okay with that. I suppose the difference is 20 years ago I couldn't meet my own eyes in the mirror, and today it is by no means easy, but it isn't near as impossible a task as it once was.
So much has happened, I almost don't know where to start...
On the subject of There have come to be so many people I've had the pleasure to work with over the last few months. Excepting a few brave gentlemen, almost every one a strong and beautiful woman. For one in particular it was rather challenging, considering the proximity and relation. When children are involved it can be even more complicated and fraught with emotion.
This work is more challenging than any I would have chosen for myself 20 years ago. My priorities have changed, and me with them. I am better than okay with that. I suppose the difference is 20 years ago I couldn't meet my own eyes in the mirror, and today it is by no means easy, but it isn't near as impossible a task as it once was.
Long time, no hear...
So, I realize its been a while and not much heard from me. Inside there has been chaos reigning, while on the outside I fight the battle of my life. Again, so much has changed in as little as a couple of months. If God were ever trying to underline the fact that nothing is permanent except change, He has certainly made his point with me.
Every day is a new day. Some days are better than others, but still one day at a time. Hell, sometimes its a moment by moment battle just to keep choosing to stay in the game.
In the time since I learned why I divorced (around the 12th of May...after my last Census training in Missoula, and after spending two nights with Todd...ugh), it has been a stampede of emotions. What a huge fucking wake up call, to hear that the person you've loved more than life itself has abandoned you and the family for someone else. Even worse, someone who treated him like dirt the first time around, then walked out on him and humiliated him by marrying another, while still claiming to love him deeply. That isn't what you do when you love someone. Learning the worst someone has to share, walking through fire, and sticking by their side no matter what comes out....now that is love.
Learning about the affair, both while we were still supposedly happily married and living together, and after he moved out, but well before the divorce was forced upon me...well, it has been truly a test of the faith I have built in the months since his departure.
The details of it all haunt me...the emails, phone calls, clandestine meetings, texts and pictures...the loving journal entries not directed at me...except mentions of how I was all wrong for him and she was all right...how I was the one in the way of their true love...which God had originally chosen and I was standing in the way of. Thoughts of them touching one another, sharing, being close and intimate in a way that was reserved exclusively for me through the vows we took. It is hard to put everything in its proper context to understand what is truly real in all this. It all haunts me...and may well for years to come. I have gaping wounds in my heart and soul...and the best I can hope for is minimal scarring.
Knowing now why it all happened the way it did does bring with it good. I can look at myself in the mirror, knowing that it was not some terminal flaw within me that pushed him out of our home; that it was something within him that was missing and out of place. I have learned it is okay to be a woman, but better yet, to fully embrace all that is feminine and make it mine. I love myself more than I did the day he left. I cry openly now, and laugh with abandon...feeling guilt over neither.
Every day is a new day. Some days are better than others, but still one day at a time. Hell, sometimes its a moment by moment battle just to keep choosing to stay in the game.
In the time since I learned why I divorced (around the 12th of May...after my last Census training in Missoula, and after spending two nights with Todd...ugh), it has been a stampede of emotions. What a huge fucking wake up call, to hear that the person you've loved more than life itself has abandoned you and the family for someone else. Even worse, someone who treated him like dirt the first time around, then walked out on him and humiliated him by marrying another, while still claiming to love him deeply. That isn't what you do when you love someone. Learning the worst someone has to share, walking through fire, and sticking by their side no matter what comes out....now that is love.
Learning about the affair, both while we were still supposedly happily married and living together, and after he moved out, but well before the divorce was forced upon me...well, it has been truly a test of the faith I have built in the months since his departure.
The details of it all haunt me...the emails, phone calls, clandestine meetings, texts and pictures...the loving journal entries not directed at me...except mentions of how I was all wrong for him and she was all right...how I was the one in the way of their true love...which God had originally chosen and I was standing in the way of. Thoughts of them touching one another, sharing, being close and intimate in a way that was reserved exclusively for me through the vows we took. It is hard to put everything in its proper context to understand what is truly real in all this. It all haunts me...and may well for years to come. I have gaping wounds in my heart and soul...and the best I can hope for is minimal scarring.
Knowing now why it all happened the way it did does bring with it good. I can look at myself in the mirror, knowing that it was not some terminal flaw within me that pushed him out of our home; that it was something within him that was missing and out of place. I have learned it is okay to be a woman, but better yet, to fully embrace all that is feminine and make it mine. I love myself more than I did the day he left. I cry openly now, and laugh with abandon...feeling guilt over neither.
Another day, another suicide...
This was written January 13th
So things have been quiet since the blowup the other day. Todd's been to a couple of counseling sessions, started taking his antidepressants, and seems to be evening out some. I'm not sure where he's at with anything right now. All I know is what has happened over the last four days or so, and that's that he flipped out, calmed down a bit, and has been kinda quiet and weirdly okay ever since. The two separate counselors that he saw both told him that he should leave the house (the second also told him to remove his guns from the house and leave them with someone he trusts...obviously not me). I told him that he should do what he thinks is best for himself...and that if leaving is what it took to be okay, then by all means, do it. He said he didn't want to, and that he was pushing that option away...which I didn't understand at all. Maybe it's because I reminded him before he went to counseling about the promises he made when he came back into our lives...that he wouldn't run..that he would work things through...that he wouldn't just walk away again without even trying...but I'm beginning to wonder if I didn't do more harm than good by reminding him of such things. Now I can't tell if he's staying because he wants to and is safe and secure here, or if he's staying because he made the commitment to do so. Fuck.
So things have been quiet since the blowup the other day. Todd's been to a couple of counseling sessions, started taking his antidepressants, and seems to be evening out some. I'm not sure where he's at with anything right now. All I know is what has happened over the last four days or so, and that's that he flipped out, calmed down a bit, and has been kinda quiet and weirdly okay ever since. The two separate counselors that he saw both told him that he should leave the house (the second also told him to remove his guns from the house and leave them with someone he trusts...obviously not me). I told him that he should do what he thinks is best for himself...and that if leaving is what it took to be okay, then by all means, do it. He said he didn't want to, and that he was pushing that option away...which I didn't understand at all. Maybe it's because I reminded him before he went to counseling about the promises he made when he came back into our lives...that he wouldn't run..that he would work things through...that he wouldn't just walk away again without even trying...but I'm beginning to wonder if I didn't do more harm than good by reminding him of such things. Now I can't tell if he's staying because he wants to and is safe and secure here, or if he's staying because he made the commitment to do so. Fuck.
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