Oh, Dani, you are so right. I am not the same....and I have only God to thank for that.
Today was a real eye-opener for me. I had been operating for so long under the assumption that small lies were okay, so long as there was good reason for it. I can't lie to God, and I have no one to fear but Him...so, there is not a single reason in the world good enough for me to continue to do it. Even lying by not saying anything is still lying.
Ok, so here it goes....I have lied about some really important things. The first lie was my unfaithfulness to my husband. I cannot justify and rationalize away the right and wrong of it by trying to belittle my crime. I will not use the facts of the situation to paint me in a better light. I committed a sin against my husband, but more than that, against God. The second and third lies involved money. I lied about using my husband's account to make unauthorized purchases. I did these things without telling him, either that I was going to do them, or that I had done them. The last lie was a pretty important one concerning health issues.
I won't try to explain why I did the things I did. It doesn't change the fact that I did them, or that they hurt a person I care about very much. What it comes down to is, I lied, and I will not try to stand before my husband or before God and try to place blame anywhere else but on myself.
I am praying to God tonight to give me the courage to face my husband tomorrow and tell him the things I have kept to myself. It is going to be tough, but no tougher than facing myself as I asked for God's help to make it through. I am coming to realize that all people fear not being perfect, and that we struggle against imperfection on a daily basis. We are up against a mighty enemy in our spiritual warfare, that is for sure, and our biggest weakness lies in our very human nature.
No humor today. Too serious a subject here. I hope to be able to get back to finding humor and laughter in the everyday, but for now I will settle for a clear conscience.
Monday, December 28, 2009
Friday, December 25, 2009
Tis Christmas Day
Ah, yes, tis Christmas day...
Dani didn't want to get up this morning. Probably stayed up late. As it was, I didn't drag my ass out of bed til 8:30, so I'm probably not one to talk. Had it not been for getting the turkey and ham in the oven, I most likely wouldn't have cared. Buuuut, we finally got the fat shits in the oven and dinner was on its merry way. Yeeeaaah.
Sometime yesterday I lost my phone. I don't remember putting it down underneath my folded clothes in the closet and turning it off...but I must have (right? hmmm...-.-). Anyway, I finally found it and turned it on. I had received like 6 or 8 texts, and one voice mail. The voice mail was from James, saying Merry Christmas. I thought about calling him back, since he sounded so sad, but in the end I didn't. I just didn't know what to say. If I had called him back before dinner, I would have felt I had to invite him over. I didn't want to do that. Now that dinner is over, I don't really want to call him back, either. This thing with him is in a really odd place. I love him dearly, but I cannot be around him or even talk to him without being uncomfortable. I don't want to for many reasons, but mostly because he just isn't good for me. He won't stop using, and I have made the choice to not put myself in situations with people who continue to use. This seals the fate of our friendship. It is tragic, but it is the truth. I truly believe that even if he stopped using, we would never be able to have a close friendship again. I suppose I am just not as comfortable as I once was in the close and intimate company of another man. Maybe that means I am changing, but hopefully it means that I am maturing. I don't see things quite the way I used to.
I sent out texts to all my family and friends, wishing them a Merry Christmas. I got one from Scott Heaps (Linda's husband, Jesse's dad in Colorado), Veronica (my fave niece), Jon (tool...ha ha), Kendra (my nail girl), and my sister. I sent ones to Alex Jr., Alex Sr., Amber, Veronica, Roxanne, Megan, Jaclyn, Chas, Glenna (from church), Luke, Crystal (my other niece), and Todd. I got one back from everyone except Todd. I didn't really expect to get one back from him, though. Why, I'm not sure. I even sent him one asking if he wanted us to send him a plate of food...but still no response. I like to bullshit myself by saying that he probably had his phone turned off, but I think I know better than that. As he's said before, he just doesn't know what to say. While that is a reasonable response, he didn't have any problem responding last night when I told him that his unemployment payments started coming into the bank account. He answered back quick enough about that. I understand that he is in a place of pain and hurt....and I will just have to learn to continue giving him space....but, really, I am hurting too.
So, imagine hustle and bustle in the kitchen, cooking mustard greens, parmesan/mozarella potatoes, green beens, and gravy, and you have an idea of how the rest of the morning went. I cooked the greens, but Dani was at the helm for the rest of the food. We put in the alien movie (something 9...dang, can't ever remember the name...?) and got about half-way through it before Matt and Sharon got here. They brought over a plate of cookies and candy, and a cherry pie. I love pie. Yes, I do. By the time I had the ham and turkey all cut up and ready to serve, we decided it was time to eat, even though Clay and his gang hadn't made it here yet. About the time everyone grabs a plate, they were walking in the door. It was good to see Megan, Keelie, Declan, Laura, and baby Gunner. I was so happy to have them all here under our roof.
Dinner was really good. Mom helped me with all the cleaning and keeping things in order before, during, and after dinner. She was really pleasant for most of the day. I was thankful for that. The food was spectacular, and since we didn't make too many dishes, we were able to keep from overeating...mostly. We all sat in comfortable groups around the kitchen and living room, then got out games and cards to play. During all this we cut and handed round the pies, pecan and cherry. Man, do I love pie. Afterward, Clay and I came back to the bathroom to survey the carnage there, and Laura came back to feed little Gunner. As we talked, Clay lay down on the bed and passed out, then Laura laid down with him for a few minutes to cat nap and I went back to the kitchen. Kat and Josh kept baby Gunner entertained for quite a while and then we put in Angels and Demons to watch. Megan and Dani fell out on the papasan chairs, Matt & Sharon got together on the couch, Kat, Josh & Gunner were on the floor, and I had the love seat to myself. About the time I was trying to move the Christmas tree over a bit to see the TV, it decided to fall over....ha ha...but I got it back up again, mostly....The movie was pretty good, too, lots of action and intrigue....
Now, everyone has finally gone home. I sent the tupperware with food home with Sharon, asking that she give it to Todd, along with a VocRehab letter about his upcoming spring courses. They were very nice to come and hang out with us for the day. It felt really good to have so much family here in our house. This year Christmas was a much better affair than it has ever been in the past and I am grateful to God for blessing me with so much.
Now, if only Mom would quit with her childish temper tantrums, like slamming doors cuz she can't find her playing cards, I could settle in and have a peaceful evening with just the kids. Grr! That woman! Sometimes I have to remember that around age 35 we start going backwards in time (maturity), so she is probably around the age of a 8 year old right now. Dani is laying down in her room, probably tired and not feeling so well, so it really ticked me off that she slammed the door to Dani's room. I probably went a little overboard yelling at her and slamming the cards down on the kitchen table when I found them a few minutes later, but I don't tolerate destructive behavior very well when I'm the one who is stuck with doing all the home repairs around here. Ok...just breathe.... in...out...in ....out....and remember that stress is normal around the holidays....and I should be fine.
Ok, a little humor should help me get back into the right frame of mind, so here goes:
I have just shit myself...its ok though, I'm wearing your underwear.
Dani didn't want to get up this morning. Probably stayed up late. As it was, I didn't drag my ass out of bed til 8:30, so I'm probably not one to talk. Had it not been for getting the turkey and ham in the oven, I most likely wouldn't have cared. Buuuut, we finally got the fat shits in the oven and dinner was on its merry way. Yeeeaaah.
Sometime yesterday I lost my phone. I don't remember putting it down underneath my folded clothes in the closet and turning it off...but I must have (right? hmmm...-.-). Anyway, I finally found it and turned it on. I had received like 6 or 8 texts, and one voice mail. The voice mail was from James, saying Merry Christmas. I thought about calling him back, since he sounded so sad, but in the end I didn't. I just didn't know what to say. If I had called him back before dinner, I would have felt I had to invite him over. I didn't want to do that. Now that dinner is over, I don't really want to call him back, either. This thing with him is in a really odd place. I love him dearly, but I cannot be around him or even talk to him without being uncomfortable. I don't want to for many reasons, but mostly because he just isn't good for me. He won't stop using, and I have made the choice to not put myself in situations with people who continue to use. This seals the fate of our friendship. It is tragic, but it is the truth. I truly believe that even if he stopped using, we would never be able to have a close friendship again. I suppose I am just not as comfortable as I once was in the close and intimate company of another man. Maybe that means I am changing, but hopefully it means that I am maturing. I don't see things quite the way I used to.
I sent out texts to all my family and friends, wishing them a Merry Christmas. I got one from Scott Heaps (Linda's husband, Jesse's dad in Colorado), Veronica (my fave niece), Jon (tool...ha ha), Kendra (my nail girl), and my sister. I sent ones to Alex Jr., Alex Sr., Amber, Veronica, Roxanne, Megan, Jaclyn, Chas, Glenna (from church), Luke, Crystal (my other niece), and Todd. I got one back from everyone except Todd. I didn't really expect to get one back from him, though. Why, I'm not sure. I even sent him one asking if he wanted us to send him a plate of food...but still no response. I like to bullshit myself by saying that he probably had his phone turned off, but I think I know better than that. As he's said before, he just doesn't know what to say. While that is a reasonable response, he didn't have any problem responding last night when I told him that his unemployment payments started coming into the bank account. He answered back quick enough about that. I understand that he is in a place of pain and hurt....and I will just have to learn to continue giving him space....but, really, I am hurting too.
So, imagine hustle and bustle in the kitchen, cooking mustard greens, parmesan/mozarella potatoes, green beens, and gravy, and you have an idea of how the rest of the morning went. I cooked the greens, but Dani was at the helm for the rest of the food. We put in the alien movie (something 9...dang, can't ever remember the name...?) and got about half-way through it before Matt and Sharon got here. They brought over a plate of cookies and candy, and a cherry pie. I love pie. Yes, I do. By the time I had the ham and turkey all cut up and ready to serve, we decided it was time to eat, even though Clay and his gang hadn't made it here yet. About the time everyone grabs a plate, they were walking in the door. It was good to see Megan, Keelie, Declan, Laura, and baby Gunner. I was so happy to have them all here under our roof.
Dinner was really good. Mom helped me with all the cleaning and keeping things in order before, during, and after dinner. She was really pleasant for most of the day. I was thankful for that. The food was spectacular, and since we didn't make too many dishes, we were able to keep from overeating...mostly. We all sat in comfortable groups around the kitchen and living room, then got out games and cards to play. During all this we cut and handed round the pies, pecan and cherry. Man, do I love pie. Afterward, Clay and I came back to the bathroom to survey the carnage there, and Laura came back to feed little Gunner. As we talked, Clay lay down on the bed and passed out, then Laura laid down with him for a few minutes to cat nap and I went back to the kitchen. Kat and Josh kept baby Gunner entertained for quite a while and then we put in Angels and Demons to watch. Megan and Dani fell out on the papasan chairs, Matt & Sharon got together on the couch, Kat, Josh & Gunner were on the floor, and I had the love seat to myself. About the time I was trying to move the Christmas tree over a bit to see the TV, it decided to fall over....ha ha...but I got it back up again, mostly....The movie was pretty good, too, lots of action and intrigue....
Now, everyone has finally gone home. I sent the tupperware with food home with Sharon, asking that she give it to Todd, along with a VocRehab letter about his upcoming spring courses. They were very nice to come and hang out with us for the day. It felt really good to have so much family here in our house. This year Christmas was a much better affair than it has ever been in the past and I am grateful to God for blessing me with so much.
Now, if only Mom would quit with her childish temper tantrums, like slamming doors cuz she can't find her playing cards, I could settle in and have a peaceful evening with just the kids. Grr! That woman! Sometimes I have to remember that around age 35 we start going backwards in time (maturity), so she is probably around the age of a 8 year old right now. Dani is laying down in her room, probably tired and not feeling so well, so it really ticked me off that she slammed the door to Dani's room. I probably went a little overboard yelling at her and slamming the cards down on the kitchen table when I found them a few minutes later, but I don't tolerate destructive behavior very well when I'm the one who is stuck with doing all the home repairs around here. Ok...just breathe.... in...out...in ....out....and remember that stress is normal around the holidays....and I should be fine.
Ok, a little humor should help me get back into the right frame of mind, so here goes:
I have just shit myself...its ok though, I'm wearing your underwear.
Thursday, December 24, 2009
It's a Trap!
Today is Christmas Eve. I am happy to be at home with my children and my mom...and of course, Josh. Josh is a damn fine person, and we are lucky to have him as a part of our family. The house is finally clean, and I am showered and ready for bed. I have only to take the pecan pies Dani made out of the oven in a bit, then grab my favorite zombie book and head to bed to read until I fall asleep.
Tomorrow there is much cooking to be done. A ham will go in right away, then Dani's famous finger-lickin turkey. Everything else will be pie after that. The house is rearranged to where we have lots of room, and there is even one more movie left to watch: Four Christmases. I'm not a fan of Vince Vaughn, but I do love Reese Witherspoon. Cards and games will be the order of the day. I look forward to seeing the rest of the family, but I am also nervous about it. I pray that forgiveness is the word for the day.
For all the younguns out there:
Don't grow up. It's a trap!
Tomorrow there is much cooking to be done. A ham will go in right away, then Dani's famous finger-lickin turkey. Everything else will be pie after that. The house is rearranged to where we have lots of room, and there is even one more movie left to watch: Four Christmases. I'm not a fan of Vince Vaughn, but I do love Reese Witherspoon. Cards and games will be the order of the day. I look forward to seeing the rest of the family, but I am also nervous about it. I pray that forgiveness is the word for the day.
For all the younguns out there:
Don't grow up. It's a trap!
Tuesday, December 22, 2009
It's Like Heaven
Oh....but he was wrong. Katherine is just like me, very trusting and loyal to a fault. We are one of a kind, me and her, loving as though we've never been hurt and giving our all to another person without any reservations. I caught myself almost telling her tonight as she baked her heavenly perfection cookies that she should be very careful with her heart. After only a moment, I stopped myself. I don't want her to be careful, just as I don't want to be careful myself. Hearts are meant to be given away fully, and to not do so would cheat both herself and the person she gives it to. So....I smiled and came to my room, happy to come to my bed, with its newly changed, clean sheets. Clean sheets are the most wonderful thing in the world, next to a girl giving her heart away. It's like heaven...
Dani and I got to catch an Avs game tonight. Thank goodness it was a live game, otherwise I'd have to kill Jon for ruining another game for us. Grrr! They were playing the Ducks tonight and managed to keep a decent lead until the end of the 3rd period, when they gave 4 shots away, resulting in a 4-2 game. I can't wait until the playoffs. Hot wings and more hot wings. Dani is trying to talk me into a road trip to go and catch the Avs live. If only...but I suppose it can't hurt to pray about it...right? It reminded me that Chas asked if I wanted to go down to Mexico for a week with her in April. Well, hell yeah I want to go! It's worth making a few sacrifices, and if I plan things right, I may even be able to talk my sister into going. She and Bob should be here sometime mid or late March, but I don't know that she would want to leave Beau for seven days. Regardless, I could use the vacation, and Puerto Vallerta sounds like someplace I would love to get away to as a girls only retreat.
I finally finished painting in Dani's room today, and all that is left is putting transition strips in the doorways and cutting and hanging base. The room seems bigger and more put together now, if only they could learn to keep their crap up off the floor. I am so glad to have it done, and am hoping that it helps with their allergies and sinus problems. The only big project I have left right now is the dang shower in my bathroom, which I think can wait until after Christmas. I will have to shop in Missoula for the shower surround and new fixtures, so it will definitely have to wait. Maybe there will be a sale on the day after Christmas...
I heard today that I can go pick up my truck tomorrow. The exhaust manifold is ordered and won't be in for a couple of weeks. Sounds like it is running, and that's basically all I can ask for. God has been very good to me these last few weeks, and for that I am grateful. The challenges of the last month were tests of my faith, and I have leaned heavily on my Father when times were hard. Now that things are getting easier, I am no less grateful than before, knowing that all good things come straight from Him. I try to read new passages every day, and look up verses that I hear about on SOS or CSN radio while I am in the car running errands. I know it isn't the same as Bible study, but it will have to do for now since there are no studies for the next two weeks due to holidays. I look forward to getting back on to a regular schedule after the holidays, and not just with study, but with all things in my life. I have let too many things go over the last few months, and it is time I get back to the things that matter.
On that subject, I am finding more joy every day. It is hard to understand exactly why, but I guess I had already envisioned the worst case scenario and no longer have any fear. I used to fear being alone or being abandoned, but now that it has happened, I am walking through it and it isn't as bad as I thought it would be. I no longer feel guilt over doing the things that matter to me, and that is a huge relief. What was once work, has now become my passion. I am not so easily frustrated, and can smile and laugh with ease.
I still get irritated with Jessie, but that is all him and has little to do with how I am handling things. He is in a place of limbo, and feeling guilty about his lack of motivation. He is back to the waiting game again, waiting for the day of enlistment and the month of shipping out to Basic. Until then, he has little to do with himself and feels insecure and full of doubt because of it. He doesn't want to participate in household chores or family activities, at least not without harsh words and a fight. Anything that interferes with his sleeping, hanging out with friends, or playing video games causes severe irritation. He has dropped out of college, and now must face dealing with his loans coming due. I have urged him to re-enroll back in school until he ships out, mostly because he can later use those credits, as well as the money it will bring in until he leaves, but he only listens with one ear. He was told by his recruiting officer that he needs to gain 10-15lbs, but he doesn't want to eat, eat, eat, and drink water as he was advised. All that interests his dead brain is the video game on his laptop, and if eating gets in the way of that, well....it can wait. At least in his mind, anyway. Should he blow this chance to enlist, he might not get another for months and months. If that becomes the case, he will have to find another place to live. Hmmm....so, either doing what needs to be done will win out, or his stubborn willfulness will win. He doesn't fully realize it yet, but I am dead set in my resolve to not enable him any longer, so...the choice, and its consequences, will be his.
Seems like Dani and I missed her appointment this morning to see the eye doctor. She is rescheduled for tomorrow, and I hope they give her some Erkel glasses...ha ha. I have an appointment with my counselor tomorrow, and look forward to having him set me up with a case manager. I am eager to get back to work, although I am entering a whole new field. More than anything, I just want to start rebuilding my life. I have already begun the work of doing just that, but still need a push here and there to keep me moving in the right direction. I have seriously been considering how far I want to take my education, and now that my life is a little less complicated, I am leaning more toward finishing my Master's degree. I truly believe that I will have more to offer if I continue on to bigger and better things, and with my family behind me, there isn't any mountain I can't climb.
Ok, now let's get back to some humor for the day:
Don't throw things at people when they're not looking. It's no fun unless you get to see the look on their face just before it hits them.
Dani and I got to catch an Avs game tonight. Thank goodness it was a live game, otherwise I'd have to kill Jon for ruining another game for us. Grrr! They were playing the Ducks tonight and managed to keep a decent lead until the end of the 3rd period, when they gave 4 shots away, resulting in a 4-2 game. I can't wait until the playoffs. Hot wings and more hot wings. Dani is trying to talk me into a road trip to go and catch the Avs live. If only...but I suppose it can't hurt to pray about it...right? It reminded me that Chas asked if I wanted to go down to Mexico for a week with her in April. Well, hell yeah I want to go! It's worth making a few sacrifices, and if I plan things right, I may even be able to talk my sister into going. She and Bob should be here sometime mid or late March, but I don't know that she would want to leave Beau for seven days. Regardless, I could use the vacation, and Puerto Vallerta sounds like someplace I would love to get away to as a girls only retreat.
I finally finished painting in Dani's room today, and all that is left is putting transition strips in the doorways and cutting and hanging base. The room seems bigger and more put together now, if only they could learn to keep their crap up off the floor. I am so glad to have it done, and am hoping that it helps with their allergies and sinus problems. The only big project I have left right now is the dang shower in my bathroom, which I think can wait until after Christmas. I will have to shop in Missoula for the shower surround and new fixtures, so it will definitely have to wait. Maybe there will be a sale on the day after Christmas...
I heard today that I can go pick up my truck tomorrow. The exhaust manifold is ordered and won't be in for a couple of weeks. Sounds like it is running, and that's basically all I can ask for. God has been very good to me these last few weeks, and for that I am grateful. The challenges of the last month were tests of my faith, and I have leaned heavily on my Father when times were hard. Now that things are getting easier, I am no less grateful than before, knowing that all good things come straight from Him. I try to read new passages every day, and look up verses that I hear about on SOS or CSN radio while I am in the car running errands. I know it isn't the same as Bible study, but it will have to do for now since there are no studies for the next two weeks due to holidays. I look forward to getting back on to a regular schedule after the holidays, and not just with study, but with all things in my life. I have let too many things go over the last few months, and it is time I get back to the things that matter.
On that subject, I am finding more joy every day. It is hard to understand exactly why, but I guess I had already envisioned the worst case scenario and no longer have any fear. I used to fear being alone or being abandoned, but now that it has happened, I am walking through it and it isn't as bad as I thought it would be. I no longer feel guilt over doing the things that matter to me, and that is a huge relief. What was once work, has now become my passion. I am not so easily frustrated, and can smile and laugh with ease.
I still get irritated with Jessie, but that is all him and has little to do with how I am handling things. He is in a place of limbo, and feeling guilty about his lack of motivation. He is back to the waiting game again, waiting for the day of enlistment and the month of shipping out to Basic. Until then, he has little to do with himself and feels insecure and full of doubt because of it. He doesn't want to participate in household chores or family activities, at least not without harsh words and a fight. Anything that interferes with his sleeping, hanging out with friends, or playing video games causes severe irritation. He has dropped out of college, and now must face dealing with his loans coming due. I have urged him to re-enroll back in school until he ships out, mostly because he can later use those credits, as well as the money it will bring in until he leaves, but he only listens with one ear. He was told by his recruiting officer that he needs to gain 10-15lbs, but he doesn't want to eat, eat, eat, and drink water as he was advised. All that interests his dead brain is the video game on his laptop, and if eating gets in the way of that, well....it can wait. At least in his mind, anyway. Should he blow this chance to enlist, he might not get another for months and months. If that becomes the case, he will have to find another place to live. Hmmm....so, either doing what needs to be done will win out, or his stubborn willfulness will win. He doesn't fully realize it yet, but I am dead set in my resolve to not enable him any longer, so...the choice, and its consequences, will be his.
Seems like Dani and I missed her appointment this morning to see the eye doctor. She is rescheduled for tomorrow, and I hope they give her some Erkel glasses...ha ha. I have an appointment with my counselor tomorrow, and look forward to having him set me up with a case manager. I am eager to get back to work, although I am entering a whole new field. More than anything, I just want to start rebuilding my life. I have already begun the work of doing just that, but still need a push here and there to keep me moving in the right direction. I have seriously been considering how far I want to take my education, and now that my life is a little less complicated, I am leaning more toward finishing my Master's degree. I truly believe that I will have more to offer if I continue on to bigger and better things, and with my family behind me, there isn't any mountain I can't climb.
Ok, now let's get back to some humor for the day:
Don't throw things at people when they're not looking. It's no fun unless you get to see the look on their face just before it hits them.
Monday, December 21, 2009
God-given Talent
Ok, there are a bunch of things I've been thinking lately, and some of them have been really suspicious and negative. Every time I catch myself at it, I pray and ask God to push the thoughts away. These thoughts serve no good purpose, and only harm me rather than help me. Although what I am going through is hard, I am thankful that all of this has happened, as without it I wouldn't have reconnected with the most important person in my life: God. Ok, enough of that....
Today Dani and Kat finally got their cherry wood floor put in their room. It was a tough gig, but in the end it looks hella good. I am grateful to Josh and Kat for helping me with the whole project, and to Jessie, Sol, and Dani for helping to take the bed apart and put it back together. Tomorrow I hope to finish the paint touch-ups and hang the base, which should make it look even better. Damn, God gifted me with talented hands and a wonderful family!
I checked on the truck today when Gabby and I went for our walk to the river. The part that left me stranded is the Air Flow Mass Spectrometer. Hmmm....a $700 part for that particular year model Yota....although Jared told me that they'd cleaned mine out with brake cleaner and reinstalled it, and now it seems to be working okay, although that's no guarantee it will continue to do so for any period of time. He has ordered the exhaust manifold that I needed as well, which should be one hell of a job since there are two broken bolts that need to be tapped out. However, that is a job that can wait a couple of weeks, so I may have my wheels again by tomorrow. It will be exciting to be independent again. There is something about having 4x4 wheels under me and a stick shift in my hand that make all things seem possible....lol.
Well, I still didn't find my purse. Bummer. Dani went to the movies with Nathan tonight. He looked so shy and unsure of himself when he came to pick her up tonight. I couldn't help myself, I had to tease him. I asked where her candy and flowers were, then asked Dani if that's what she was going to wear before turning and asking Nathan the same thing. They both laughed and it probably eased some of the tension. Nathan seems to be a really nice guy, and he certainly likes her a lot. Poor guy....She came home with a Christmas gift from him...a really pimp looking pin-striped fedora. Man, I wish I could wear hats like that. Damn hair, anyway...
Jessie's recruiter came by today and we finished up his paperwork since his birth certificate came in. Next Monday is the day that Jessie heads over to Butte to MEPS for his testing and such. He is 5'8" tall, and weighs 110lbs right now, which means he has to gain another 15lbs almost. We talked about ways he could do that, and Jessie signed his contract for enlistment. He seems excited to go, and we all know that Dani is bursting at the seams for him to get going and moved out of the house....lol. I am very proud of him for taking this step, and know that his future will be promising because of it. I love that boy so much...
I though a lot today about how well things are going lately here at home. I wake up early in the morning fairly easily, feeling rested, and am happy about starting my day. I take Gabby out for a walk down to the river first thing (and often sit and stare at it its beauty for a looong time), then come home and cook breakfast for myself and whoever may be up. I start on my homework, and work on it periodically through the day. I go check on mom, and sit and talk with her a while about anything and everything. We organize our priorities and make plans to get things done as they need to be, and I am honest about what I have the energy and motivation to do. As I did long ago, I feel proud of my God given talent to fix, build, and create, and see what I create with that talent as my Gift back to God. I don't feel guilty for spending time doing the things I want to do, or coming and going as I please. I look up verses in my Bible when I catch myself feeling down about something, or sometimes even when things are going really good. I have candid conversations with God without feeling self-conscious, fake, or stupid, and am honest about what I really need. I don't worry about money or getting through the days ahead, as I know He has my back. I take the time to talk to the kids when I want to or need to, run errands as they come up, and make plans to do things with friends and then really enjoy doing them. I haven't felt freedom like this in a long time, and it feels really good. Mom and the kids seem happier. So does Gabby. I do too. Sometimes I wonder why that is....or how that can be considering everything...but it is what it is.
Ok, folks, if we can't laugh, then we are truly screwed...so here goes the humor for the day:
80% of people masturbate, the other 20% are liars....
Which category do you fall into? Makes ya think, huh? ;P
Today Dani and Kat finally got their cherry wood floor put in their room. It was a tough gig, but in the end it looks hella good. I am grateful to Josh and Kat for helping me with the whole project, and to Jessie, Sol, and Dani for helping to take the bed apart and put it back together. Tomorrow I hope to finish the paint touch-ups and hang the base, which should make it look even better. Damn, God gifted me with talented hands and a wonderful family!
I checked on the truck today when Gabby and I went for our walk to the river. The part that left me stranded is the Air Flow Mass Spectrometer. Hmmm....a $700 part for that particular year model Yota....although Jared told me that they'd cleaned mine out with brake cleaner and reinstalled it, and now it seems to be working okay, although that's no guarantee it will continue to do so for any period of time. He has ordered the exhaust manifold that I needed as well, which should be one hell of a job since there are two broken bolts that need to be tapped out. However, that is a job that can wait a couple of weeks, so I may have my wheels again by tomorrow. It will be exciting to be independent again. There is something about having 4x4 wheels under me and a stick shift in my hand that make all things seem possible....lol.
Well, I still didn't find my purse. Bummer. Dani went to the movies with Nathan tonight. He looked so shy and unsure of himself when he came to pick her up tonight. I couldn't help myself, I had to tease him. I asked where her candy and flowers were, then asked Dani if that's what she was going to wear before turning and asking Nathan the same thing. They both laughed and it probably eased some of the tension. Nathan seems to be a really nice guy, and he certainly likes her a lot. Poor guy....She came home with a Christmas gift from him...a really pimp looking pin-striped fedora. Man, I wish I could wear hats like that. Damn hair, anyway...
Jessie's recruiter came by today and we finished up his paperwork since his birth certificate came in. Next Monday is the day that Jessie heads over to Butte to MEPS for his testing and such. He is 5'8" tall, and weighs 110lbs right now, which means he has to gain another 15lbs almost. We talked about ways he could do that, and Jessie signed his contract for enlistment. He seems excited to go, and we all know that Dani is bursting at the seams for him to get going and moved out of the house....lol. I am very proud of him for taking this step, and know that his future will be promising because of it. I love that boy so much...
I though a lot today about how well things are going lately here at home. I wake up early in the morning fairly easily, feeling rested, and am happy about starting my day. I take Gabby out for a walk down to the river first thing (and often sit and stare at it its beauty for a looong time), then come home and cook breakfast for myself and whoever may be up. I start on my homework, and work on it periodically through the day. I go check on mom, and sit and talk with her a while about anything and everything. We organize our priorities and make plans to get things done as they need to be, and I am honest about what I have the energy and motivation to do. As I did long ago, I feel proud of my God given talent to fix, build, and create, and see what I create with that talent as my Gift back to God. I don't feel guilty for spending time doing the things I want to do, or coming and going as I please. I look up verses in my Bible when I catch myself feeling down about something, or sometimes even when things are going really good. I have candid conversations with God without feeling self-conscious, fake, or stupid, and am honest about what I really need. I don't worry about money or getting through the days ahead, as I know He has my back. I take the time to talk to the kids when I want to or need to, run errands as they come up, and make plans to do things with friends and then really enjoy doing them. I haven't felt freedom like this in a long time, and it feels really good. Mom and the kids seem happier. So does Gabby. I do too. Sometimes I wonder why that is....or how that can be considering everything...but it is what it is.
Ok, folks, if we can't laugh, then we are truly screwed...so here goes the humor for the day:
80% of people masturbate, the other 20% are liars....
Which category do you fall into? Makes ya think, huh? ;P
Sunday, December 20, 2009
Getting the Joke
Hey guys and dolls...
Today was a better day. I got up early this morning and headed off to walk with Gabby. She was excited to get out and didn't care about getting pissed on by the tiny amounts of rain falling. We did our thing and got back home in time for me to frantically look for my purse and keys. I am almost positive I left my purse at the theater last night when we went to watch Avatar. Dang it all. I had my wallet in there with my driver's license and social security card! Man! Ok. Fine. Well, I didn't find the purse, but did find the keys, and even made it to Max's Love & Respect-based communication class at Cornerstone Church. Decoding men and women's language...which is priceless stuff, since I have not a freakin clue what the other half are talking about most of the time. It's usually women that piss me off with their roundabout way of trying to say what they gotta say, so I can kinda understand how men would have a hard time understanding us. That's why it's good for me to go to the class, so I can better understand how both sexes communicate what we are thinking and feeling, and how we manage it without killing one another in the process. Gotta be useful stuff there....
After class, I went out into the main chapel and met a few more people that I didn't know yet. It is always good to meet new people, and eventually I may even get to the point where I can remember all their names. Just as service was starting, Laura came in with baby Gunner. Man, was I glad to see her. She came and sat next to me, handing me Gunner, and we talked a bit in between singing and listening to the sermon. When the call to come forward came, we both answered. It was good to get back to the things that really matter, as there is only one....our Father. Before we left to go home, she asked if I could come by sometime to help with her computer, and I told her she could call me anytime. I really was glad she was there today, as every time we get together she feels more like a sister to me.
Speaking of sisters, my nephew Keith finally friended me on FB. He is a real kick in the ass. He made a smartass comment about how hot Dani is while we were IMing last night, then asked exactly how related the two of them are. Ewww! I had to laugh at that, knowing he was just screwing around. I kid him all the time about his baby's mama, as he used me to piss her off while I was there, pretending I was his new girlfriend. We are definitely a weird family....lol....and he is such a dork. I imagine he will eventually be the type of goof off surgeon that acts a lot like Turk from Scrubs....ha ha.
After getting home from service, I headed over to the theater to look for my purse. No such luck. I gave up on it and headed over to a friend's to watch The Whale and the Squid. It was a really complicated, uncomfortable, and extremely weird movie that starred Jeff Daniels, which must have been made in the 70's. It certainly wasn't what I expected...if I expected anything at all, but man was it weird. Speaking of weird, I saw on Yahoo that actress Brittany Murphy died today at age 32 from natural causes. I know most people don't know who she is, but I remember her best in '8 Mile' with Eminem...as the girl that screwed his best friend...and also in 'Clueless.' Man, it is so weird how such young people just kick it like that, totally out of nowhere. It reminds me of the tragedy of Heath Ledger's death last year...God, what a bummer.
After the movie, I came straight home and started in on dinner with Dani. She loves pork chops, so we made some with shells and cheese. After dinner, me, Kat, and Josh went back to Meme's room and played about 10 hands of roulette. I enjoy playing cards with her, and asked that we make time to do it when Sharon comes over for Christmas dinner, since she is the one that originally taught us to play the game. Josh asked if Todd was coming over for dinner as well that day, but I had to tell him I hadn't heard anything back as of yet. Sadly, I don't expect to hear anything. Things are no better on that front. I haven't heard anything from him in days, and have stopped sending him emails since I get no reply. I am trying to learn to just be still, as God has everything under control and has no need for me to complicate things further by acting like I can influence the outcome. Being still is new for me, so I have to practice it many, many times throughout the day. There are times when I feel an overwhelming urge to just pick up the phone and call or send a text, but then realize there is nothing I really have to say that hasn't been said before or will make a difference. Instead, I find a quiet place and talk to God. Sounds funny to say it, much less hear it, but it doesn't make it any less true. I am learning to have conversations with Him, and they sound very much like the conversations I have with my friends or family. I am sure that when I'm in the car and my quiet time is driving from place to place, people think I'm outta my damn mind when they see me talking to myself....lol. Makes me laugh to think about it. Just so long as God gets the joke, is all that really matters to me...
Ok, boys and girls, here is the humor for the day:
Susan says: If a woman looks deep in thought, she probably is. If a man looks deep in thought, he's probably just trying not to crap himself as he farts.
Today was a better day. I got up early this morning and headed off to walk with Gabby. She was excited to get out and didn't care about getting pissed on by the tiny amounts of rain falling. We did our thing and got back home in time for me to frantically look for my purse and keys. I am almost positive I left my purse at the theater last night when we went to watch Avatar. Dang it all. I had my wallet in there with my driver's license and social security card! Man! Ok. Fine. Well, I didn't find the purse, but did find the keys, and even made it to Max's Love & Respect-based communication class at Cornerstone Church. Decoding men and women's language...which is priceless stuff, since I have not a freakin clue what the other half are talking about most of the time. It's usually women that piss me off with their roundabout way of trying to say what they gotta say, so I can kinda understand how men would have a hard time understanding us. That's why it's good for me to go to the class, so I can better understand how both sexes communicate what we are thinking and feeling, and how we manage it without killing one another in the process. Gotta be useful stuff there....
After class, I went out into the main chapel and met a few more people that I didn't know yet. It is always good to meet new people, and eventually I may even get to the point where I can remember all their names. Just as service was starting, Laura came in with baby Gunner. Man, was I glad to see her. She came and sat next to me, handing me Gunner, and we talked a bit in between singing and listening to the sermon. When the call to come forward came, we both answered. It was good to get back to the things that really matter, as there is only one....our Father. Before we left to go home, she asked if I could come by sometime to help with her computer, and I told her she could call me anytime. I really was glad she was there today, as every time we get together she feels more like a sister to me.
Speaking of sisters, my nephew Keith finally friended me on FB. He is a real kick in the ass. He made a smartass comment about how hot Dani is while we were IMing last night, then asked exactly how related the two of them are. Ewww! I had to laugh at that, knowing he was just screwing around. I kid him all the time about his baby's mama, as he used me to piss her off while I was there, pretending I was his new girlfriend. We are definitely a weird family....lol....and he is such a dork. I imagine he will eventually be the type of goof off surgeon that acts a lot like Turk from Scrubs....ha ha.
After getting home from service, I headed over to the theater to look for my purse. No such luck. I gave up on it and headed over to a friend's to watch The Whale and the Squid. It was a really complicated, uncomfortable, and extremely weird movie that starred Jeff Daniels, which must have been made in the 70's. It certainly wasn't what I expected...if I expected anything at all, but man was it weird. Speaking of weird, I saw on Yahoo that actress Brittany Murphy died today at age 32 from natural causes. I know most people don't know who she is, but I remember her best in '8 Mile' with Eminem...as the girl that screwed his best friend...and also in 'Clueless.' Man, it is so weird how such young people just kick it like that, totally out of nowhere. It reminds me of the tragedy of Heath Ledger's death last year...God, what a bummer.
After the movie, I came straight home and started in on dinner with Dani. She loves pork chops, so we made some with shells and cheese. After dinner, me, Kat, and Josh went back to Meme's room and played about 10 hands of roulette. I enjoy playing cards with her, and asked that we make time to do it when Sharon comes over for Christmas dinner, since she is the one that originally taught us to play the game. Josh asked if Todd was coming over for dinner as well that day, but I had to tell him I hadn't heard anything back as of yet. Sadly, I don't expect to hear anything. Things are no better on that front. I haven't heard anything from him in days, and have stopped sending him emails since I get no reply. I am trying to learn to just be still, as God has everything under control and has no need for me to complicate things further by acting like I can influence the outcome. Being still is new for me, so I have to practice it many, many times throughout the day. There are times when I feel an overwhelming urge to just pick up the phone and call or send a text, but then realize there is nothing I really have to say that hasn't been said before or will make a difference. Instead, I find a quiet place and talk to God. Sounds funny to say it, much less hear it, but it doesn't make it any less true. I am learning to have conversations with Him, and they sound very much like the conversations I have with my friends or family. I am sure that when I'm in the car and my quiet time is driving from place to place, people think I'm outta my damn mind when they see me talking to myself....lol. Makes me laugh to think about it. Just so long as God gets the joke, is all that really matters to me...
Ok, boys and girls, here is the humor for the day:
Susan says: If a woman looks deep in thought, she probably is. If a man looks deep in thought, he's probably just trying not to crap himself as he farts.
Saturday, December 19, 2009
Not Half Bad
Ok, boys and girls....
Today was a weird and cool day. I got up kinda late, although I was awake at 7 this morning, I didn't drag my ass out of bed until almost 10. Weird ass dreams about Todd and his leaving and wanting a divorce without saying a word about why. I don't know what that was all about, but I said a prayer after I shrugged off the dream. Hmmm....
Anyways, I called Chas up this morning and she asked me to come over for coffee and to hang. We came back into town for a bit to gas up mom's car, get Chas cigarettes (ewww!), and grab some sammies from the deli at Riverside. I got to see JoAnn and get her cell # and addy to use for a reference for Jessie's enlistment application. I took two of the movies I rented for us last night over to watch with Chas today. Public Enemy with Johnny Depp, which I realized I had watched at the movies with Todd already, and Funny People. We spent some time catching up, then her neighbor Logan and his friend Ruben came over and watched the rest of Funny People with us. Pretty raunchy humor, but funny none-the-less. Her son, Michael, was interested in enlisting too, so we talked about his options for a bit.
Our hanging out dragged on in the day, so I had to run one of the movies back to the store real quick, rerent the other one, then run over to the movies to buy our tickets to watch Avatar tonight. Then, I ran home real quick to pick up Dani, Josh, and Kat. I was kinda relieved Jessie was sleepin and didn't want to go. Who knew the damn tickets would be so expense, just cuz they were in 3D? Grrr! Anway, we watched the movie, all three hours of it, and it kicked ass! I am absolutely in love with Pandora, and would kill to have the body of a N'Avi....fer sure (especially the no clothes part....lol). The story line was good, the action was intense, the graphics were better than an acid trip in a neon rainforest, and the romance was realistic. I can't wait for it to come out on DVD, as I am sure to buy it for us to watch at home. Too dang bad our big screen plasma burned out...
Well, I prayed most of today, hoping against hope that things would get easier. I saw last night that Todd changed his FB status from married to single. I know he is angry, and I am trying to be understanding and forgiving, but some of the things that are happening are very hard to deal with. I will read more in the good book tonight, pray some more, and hope that tomorrow will be better. I look forward to church in the morning, and being with like-minded people for a while. I thank God for forgiveness in my heart and the hearts of others.
I am headed over to a friend's tomorrow afternoon to watch a movie on Netflix called the Whale and the Squid, or something like that. It is supposed to be about a woman who is growing and changing, whose husband is stuck in a rut, and how she moves through the life changes in a positive way. I think the suggestion here is that it echoes my own situation, but I don't know how true that is. I guess I will just have to watch it and see. I have then been invited to head over to the Brewery for a couple of pints of good local brew and some local jazz and blues. I don't know if I will be up for that, but I will gauge the day as I go along and see where I am at with everything when the time comes.
Although things have been difficult for me since Todd left, I have to say that things with the kids have gotten much better. I am much closer now to Dani, and it feels really good. I don't know why it is, but I am thankful for it. We are spending much more time together, and communicating better than we ever have. She has been there for me a lot since he left, and I love her so very much for it. I have been there a lot for her when things weren't going so well with Jon, so that helps too. I don't have anything against him at all, I just want to encourage her and see her happy. Talking with Jessie has also gotten easier. I don't know why that is, either, but I am still thankful for it.
Oh, yes. Christmas day. Hmmmm....Dani and I invited Todd and his family over for Christmas dinner, since she is cooking another turkey. (Best damn turkey, ever, in the whole freakin world!!!!) Clay and Laura responded yesterday, saying they would be here for it, right before bringing the cute and adorable Gunner over to us for a couple of hours so they could go out and catch dinner and a Griz game. Man, do we love that baby boy! Luke said he and Robin are going to her mom and dad's in Salmon for the day, but would catch up with us and do something before New Year's. Todd's mom, Sharon, sent a text today saying they would come and asking what they should bring. After asking Dani, I told her to bring cherry pie...lots and lots of pie! We love pie....but then, who doesn't love pie, right? Well, we can't wait for that Christmas day dinner, cuz we know how good Thanksgiving dinner was...and I expect a repeat performance by the amazing Dani! I knew getting her to watch Food Network and Alton Brown's show would pay off someday.
Oh, yes, I forgot to mention the tree. The tree was beautifully decorated by Katherine and Josh this year. We knew when we put it up that we wouldn't be putting gifts under it, due mostly to the lack of money, but especially since we are learning that the most wonderful gift we can give is our company to one another. Yes, I said company! No, I am not being a smartass! Presence, not presents. Then, today Kat sent me a pic message to my phone of the tree, with presents under it....which all came from Josh and his family.....awwww...how sweet of them. Josh is such a generous person, and his family has always been so nice to all of us. I am so thankful for them all. Praise God for bringing them into our lives.
Ummm....ok, now for the humor of the day:
If goat is a ram and a donkey is an ass, why is a ram in the ass called a goose?
Man, I crack me up sometimes....lol. Until next time....rock on!
Today was a weird and cool day. I got up kinda late, although I was awake at 7 this morning, I didn't drag my ass out of bed until almost 10. Weird ass dreams about Todd and his leaving and wanting a divorce without saying a word about why. I don't know what that was all about, but I said a prayer after I shrugged off the dream. Hmmm....
Anyways, I called Chas up this morning and she asked me to come over for coffee and to hang. We came back into town for a bit to gas up mom's car, get Chas cigarettes (ewww!), and grab some sammies from the deli at Riverside. I got to see JoAnn and get her cell # and addy to use for a reference for Jessie's enlistment application. I took two of the movies I rented for us last night over to watch with Chas today. Public Enemy with Johnny Depp, which I realized I had watched at the movies with Todd already, and Funny People. We spent some time catching up, then her neighbor Logan and his friend Ruben came over and watched the rest of Funny People with us. Pretty raunchy humor, but funny none-the-less. Her son, Michael, was interested in enlisting too, so we talked about his options for a bit.
Our hanging out dragged on in the day, so I had to run one of the movies back to the store real quick, rerent the other one, then run over to the movies to buy our tickets to watch Avatar tonight. Then, I ran home real quick to pick up Dani, Josh, and Kat. I was kinda relieved Jessie was sleepin and didn't want to go. Who knew the damn tickets would be so expense, just cuz they were in 3D? Grrr! Anway, we watched the movie, all three hours of it, and it kicked ass! I am absolutely in love with Pandora, and would kill to have the body of a N'Avi....fer sure (especially the no clothes part....lol). The story line was good, the action was intense, the graphics were better than an acid trip in a neon rainforest, and the romance was realistic. I can't wait for it to come out on DVD, as I am sure to buy it for us to watch at home. Too dang bad our big screen plasma burned out...
Well, I prayed most of today, hoping against hope that things would get easier. I saw last night that Todd changed his FB status from married to single. I know he is angry, and I am trying to be understanding and forgiving, but some of the things that are happening are very hard to deal with. I will read more in the good book tonight, pray some more, and hope that tomorrow will be better. I look forward to church in the morning, and being with like-minded people for a while. I thank God for forgiveness in my heart and the hearts of others.
I am headed over to a friend's tomorrow afternoon to watch a movie on Netflix called the Whale and the Squid, or something like that. It is supposed to be about a woman who is growing and changing, whose husband is stuck in a rut, and how she moves through the life changes in a positive way. I think the suggestion here is that it echoes my own situation, but I don't know how true that is. I guess I will just have to watch it and see. I have then been invited to head over to the Brewery for a couple of pints of good local brew and some local jazz and blues. I don't know if I will be up for that, but I will gauge the day as I go along and see where I am at with everything when the time comes.
Although things have been difficult for me since Todd left, I have to say that things with the kids have gotten much better. I am much closer now to Dani, and it feels really good. I don't know why it is, but I am thankful for it. We are spending much more time together, and communicating better than we ever have. She has been there for me a lot since he left, and I love her so very much for it. I have been there a lot for her when things weren't going so well with Jon, so that helps too. I don't have anything against him at all, I just want to encourage her and see her happy. Talking with Jessie has also gotten easier. I don't know why that is, either, but I am still thankful for it.
Oh, yes. Christmas day. Hmmmm....Dani and I invited Todd and his family over for Christmas dinner, since she is cooking another turkey. (Best damn turkey, ever, in the whole freakin world!!!!) Clay and Laura responded yesterday, saying they would be here for it, right before bringing the cute and adorable Gunner over to us for a couple of hours so they could go out and catch dinner and a Griz game. Man, do we love that baby boy! Luke said he and Robin are going to her mom and dad's in Salmon for the day, but would catch up with us and do something before New Year's. Todd's mom, Sharon, sent a text today saying they would come and asking what they should bring. After asking Dani, I told her to bring cherry pie...lots and lots of pie! We love pie....but then, who doesn't love pie, right? Well, we can't wait for that Christmas day dinner, cuz we know how good Thanksgiving dinner was...and I expect a repeat performance by the amazing Dani! I knew getting her to watch Food Network and Alton Brown's show would pay off someday.
Oh, yes, I forgot to mention the tree. The tree was beautifully decorated by Katherine and Josh this year. We knew when we put it up that we wouldn't be putting gifts under it, due mostly to the lack of money, but especially since we are learning that the most wonderful gift we can give is our company to one another. Yes, I said company! No, I am not being a smartass! Presence, not presents. Then, today Kat sent me a pic message to my phone of the tree, with presents under it....which all came from Josh and his family.....awwww...how sweet of them. Josh is such a generous person, and his family has always been so nice to all of us. I am so thankful for them all. Praise God for bringing them into our lives.
Ummm....ok, now for the humor of the day:
If goat is a ram and a donkey is an ass, why is a ram in the ass called a goose?
Man, I crack me up sometimes....lol. Until next time....rock on!
Thursday, December 17, 2009
Starting the Day With Humor
Let's start out the day with humor, shall we?:
Did you ever have one of those mornings where, when you try to put your underwear on, you end up playing jump rope with them and almost fall on your face?
Now that that's out of the way, let's get down to bidness....
My day started with an early morning walk with Miss Gabriella Fontini (better known as Gabbers or affectionately as Stinky) to Kiwanis Park. The snow has mostly melted off, and the roads were slick with a skin of ice. We slipped and slid our way to the park, walking on the grass where we could. I turned her loose and we crossed over the wood bridge into the woods, coming out at the river. The sheets of ice were thick and blue like tiny glaciers, sitting as leftover remnants on the pebbled shore, with fingers extending to the water. We walked across their crackled surface, crunching our prints into the powdery snow on top. The river was down quite a bit, the current running fast from runoff. We listened to the water rushing for a few minutes, then headed north along the river's edge. As we twisted and turned along the trail, we came upon a large tree, half eaten through. The beavers have been busy, as there were wood chips and gnawed stumps everywhere. I stopped to touch the large tree, wondering how an animal's teeth could be so sharp and tough against such a surface. I looked up, realizing the tree was better than 60 feet tall, and wondered if it would be considered a widow-maker. I hadn't heard that expression since mushroom hunting after the fires of 2000. I guess if it fell on me, it would be a Widower-maker....? Oh, well.
We started moving along the trail again, and I realized I might be stuck and have to turn back, since the river had branched and most likely met again ahead of us. I kept going anyway, thinking of the times in the near past when I wanted to give up because the way didn't seem clear. I had come this way for a reason, although the reason was still unknown to me. It reminded me of things with Todd. I had come together with him for a reason, and although that reason is still unknown to me, I take comfort in the fact that God will show it to me when he is ready. I moved forward with faith. I will have to keep doing this over and over again until it becomes completely natural for me, as I am so used to second-guessing everything.
As we broke through where it looked like the river met again, I realized that a small foot path, no more than a few inches wide, separated the fork from the rest of the river. In the small pond that had been created, several mallard ducks were lazily paddling away from us. They seemed unconcerned about Gabby's presence, and we watched them move gracefully across the water. I saw that a path led up the rocks back to the paved trail, so we climbed back up through the screen of trees and were in the park proper once again. Being at the river always feels like an adventure to me, with the sound of moving water and the view of the moutain ranges stretching through wide open spaces. I feel the same way when I climb up the trail at Roaring Lion, except the sound of rushing water is much louder and the view is more vertical and rugged. There isn't a single place here in Montana that I'm not absolutely in love with.
We came home and I got to work on the shower again. I itemized the materials and repairs I would need to make so that I could tell the insurance adjuster, and set about pulling things apart. I am kind of excited about having a new shower, although there are bound to be challenges along the way. I had hoped to have help with this project, but I am just thankful that Clay let me borrow his Sawzall, otherwise the going would be much tougher and slower. I am very lucky to have family. That reminds me of more humor: Singing in the shower is dangerous...cuz it leads to dancing. Can you imagine doing either with a Sawzall....ouch.
We finally got Jessie's fine taken care of, and he is ready to enlist when his birth certificate comes in next week. I asked him when I got back from my walk if he was excited and ready, and he said yes. His only concern is getting more information about the jobs available, but I told him that he could talk to his jobs counselor about that when he goes in for his physical and paperwork. He is asked to pick five job titles, so it isn't like he has to choose only one. Until the day comes, he doesn't have to make up his mind, so why worry...? Anway, I got him to call the job service and make an appointment for career testing. This type of testing will determine his personality, what he wants to do, and where his aptitude lies. I hope it will make his choices clearer and easier when the time comes. During the time between when he enlists and when he leaves for basic training (sometime between April and June, most likely in May), I hope that family and friends will do all they can to encourage him. He taking a huge step here, and making a real commitment to his future. I am very proud of him, and hope everyone else is, too.
As for my Dani, well she is having a tough go of it. Jon is being rather self-centered and immature in his dealings with her, and is hurting her in the process. He is adamant that she come up to Missoula on his last night in the state before heading home for the Christmas holiday break from school. Dani says it will be two months before he comes back, and I can tell she is going to miss him. However, she doesn't want to go to Missoula, and I don't want her to go either. Jon hasn't committed to her a single bit, and keeps using his history with Cass as an excuse not to. She has given him quite a bit since they started spending time together, and I think he owes her more than just his time now and again when it is convenient for him. I think he owes her honesty and fair treatment, like every other human being. The fact that he hides his relationship with her is very hurtful to her, and he doesn't seem to want to change it. She is much too smart and beautiful to waster her time on a dead-end relationship like this, and I think she knows it. But, the heart wants what it wants, and sometimes you can tell your heart all day that it shouldn't want someone, and yet it still does, against all your best efforts. I pray that she finds some way to come to terms with this relationship, whatever that might mean. I just know I can't stand to see her hurting, and would give all I have to see her happy and smiling instead.
Kat and Josh are doing well. She was writing something this morning, supposedly for school, but it seemed way too personal to be something she would turn in. I think she is having regrets about the past, and I know how she feels. I hope that she can find a way to move through it, and if not, that she feels she can talk to me about what is going on. I am glad that she has Josh, and they have been spending a lot of time with Mom. Mom is doing rather well herself, what with the rest of the family being here to focus on. We spend a lot of time talking to her, laughing, playing games, and working on things. The Christmas break starts for the kids this weekend and lasts two weeks, so we will all be here together for the holidays. It would be nice to spend some of it with our extended family, and hope that we get an invitation to do so. If not, I guess we will have put out invitations for others to come here, as we don't want to miss out on being with family if it can be helped.
Ok, everybody....til we meet again....rock on!
Did you ever have one of those mornings where, when you try to put your underwear on, you end up playing jump rope with them and almost fall on your face?
Now that that's out of the way, let's get down to bidness....
My day started with an early morning walk with Miss Gabriella Fontini (better known as Gabbers or affectionately as Stinky) to Kiwanis Park. The snow has mostly melted off, and the roads were slick with a skin of ice. We slipped and slid our way to the park, walking on the grass where we could. I turned her loose and we crossed over the wood bridge into the woods, coming out at the river. The sheets of ice were thick and blue like tiny glaciers, sitting as leftover remnants on the pebbled shore, with fingers extending to the water. We walked across their crackled surface, crunching our prints into the powdery snow on top. The river was down quite a bit, the current running fast from runoff. We listened to the water rushing for a few minutes, then headed north along the river's edge. As we twisted and turned along the trail, we came upon a large tree, half eaten through. The beavers have been busy, as there were wood chips and gnawed stumps everywhere. I stopped to touch the large tree, wondering how an animal's teeth could be so sharp and tough against such a surface. I looked up, realizing the tree was better than 60 feet tall, and wondered if it would be considered a widow-maker. I hadn't heard that expression since mushroom hunting after the fires of 2000. I guess if it fell on me, it would be a Widower-maker....? Oh, well.
We started moving along the trail again, and I realized I might be stuck and have to turn back, since the river had branched and most likely met again ahead of us. I kept going anyway, thinking of the times in the near past when I wanted to give up because the way didn't seem clear. I had come this way for a reason, although the reason was still unknown to me. It reminded me of things with Todd. I had come together with him for a reason, and although that reason is still unknown to me, I take comfort in the fact that God will show it to me when he is ready. I moved forward with faith. I will have to keep doing this over and over again until it becomes completely natural for me, as I am so used to second-guessing everything.
As we broke through where it looked like the river met again, I realized that a small foot path, no more than a few inches wide, separated the fork from the rest of the river. In the small pond that had been created, several mallard ducks were lazily paddling away from us. They seemed unconcerned about Gabby's presence, and we watched them move gracefully across the water. I saw that a path led up the rocks back to the paved trail, so we climbed back up through the screen of trees and were in the park proper once again. Being at the river always feels like an adventure to me, with the sound of moving water and the view of the moutain ranges stretching through wide open spaces. I feel the same way when I climb up the trail at Roaring Lion, except the sound of rushing water is much louder and the view is more vertical and rugged. There isn't a single place here in Montana that I'm not absolutely in love with.
We came home and I got to work on the shower again. I itemized the materials and repairs I would need to make so that I could tell the insurance adjuster, and set about pulling things apart. I am kind of excited about having a new shower, although there are bound to be challenges along the way. I had hoped to have help with this project, but I am just thankful that Clay let me borrow his Sawzall, otherwise the going would be much tougher and slower. I am very lucky to have family. That reminds me of more humor: Singing in the shower is dangerous...cuz it leads to dancing. Can you imagine doing either with a Sawzall....ouch.
We finally got Jessie's fine taken care of, and he is ready to enlist when his birth certificate comes in next week. I asked him when I got back from my walk if he was excited and ready, and he said yes. His only concern is getting more information about the jobs available, but I told him that he could talk to his jobs counselor about that when he goes in for his physical and paperwork. He is asked to pick five job titles, so it isn't like he has to choose only one. Until the day comes, he doesn't have to make up his mind, so why worry...? Anway, I got him to call the job service and make an appointment for career testing. This type of testing will determine his personality, what he wants to do, and where his aptitude lies. I hope it will make his choices clearer and easier when the time comes. During the time between when he enlists and when he leaves for basic training (sometime between April and June, most likely in May), I hope that family and friends will do all they can to encourage him. He taking a huge step here, and making a real commitment to his future. I am very proud of him, and hope everyone else is, too.
As for my Dani, well she is having a tough go of it. Jon is being rather self-centered and immature in his dealings with her, and is hurting her in the process. He is adamant that she come up to Missoula on his last night in the state before heading home for the Christmas holiday break from school. Dani says it will be two months before he comes back, and I can tell she is going to miss him. However, she doesn't want to go to Missoula, and I don't want her to go either. Jon hasn't committed to her a single bit, and keeps using his history with Cass as an excuse not to. She has given him quite a bit since they started spending time together, and I think he owes her more than just his time now and again when it is convenient for him. I think he owes her honesty and fair treatment, like every other human being. The fact that he hides his relationship with her is very hurtful to her, and he doesn't seem to want to change it. She is much too smart and beautiful to waster her time on a dead-end relationship like this, and I think she knows it. But, the heart wants what it wants, and sometimes you can tell your heart all day that it shouldn't want someone, and yet it still does, against all your best efforts. I pray that she finds some way to come to terms with this relationship, whatever that might mean. I just know I can't stand to see her hurting, and would give all I have to see her happy and smiling instead.
Kat and Josh are doing well. She was writing something this morning, supposedly for school, but it seemed way too personal to be something she would turn in. I think she is having regrets about the past, and I know how she feels. I hope that she can find a way to move through it, and if not, that she feels she can talk to me about what is going on. I am glad that she has Josh, and they have been spending a lot of time with Mom. Mom is doing rather well herself, what with the rest of the family being here to focus on. We spend a lot of time talking to her, laughing, playing games, and working on things. The Christmas break starts for the kids this weekend and lasts two weeks, so we will all be here together for the holidays. It would be nice to spend some of it with our extended family, and hope that we get an invitation to do so. If not, I guess we will have put out invitations for others to come here, as we don't want to miss out on being with family if it can be helped.
Ok, everybody....til we meet again....rock on!
Wednesday, December 16, 2009
Catching Up
Now that I have that first blog out of the way, let's get down to it...
Ok, hockey fans, I am excited to say I got to see two out of three winning Mauler's games this last weekend. Friday night was epic, with us going into two overtimes and finally winning 3-2. Saturday's game was good too, but to tell the truth I had a hard time keeping up with it, as the tears were flowing pretty good that night. I missed Sunday's game completely, due to spending time with new friends, but heard we kicked their asses! So, I am bummed to miss this coming weekend's game against the Roughriders in Butte. I wish my Yota was running so I could go watch it...but in all honesty it would be bittersweet for me, since my wonderful husband drives the team and works the games, and it is tough to be around him right now since I am so lovesick without him and all...
As for the upcoming holiday...well, I love Christmas. It reminds me of family being together and of baby Jesus in the manger. Every time I look at my littlest nephew Atigun (baby Gunner), I think of how protective Mary and Joseph must have been of their little one. Ok, I'm not into the commercial aspect of Christmas, as that just pisses me off. I get irked every time I see a Santa Claus or hear kids whining about what they want. I want to punch their parents in the junk for giving in to this 'gimmee' attitude, which only makes bratty kids brattier...
Our family stopped giving gifts a few years ago, and now are happy to simply be together. Presence, not presents. The gift of giving should be shared all year, not just one day a year. To give freely only once a year demeans the celebration of the birth of our salvation. Other than that, I love the tree decorating. That, I can get in to. There is something about having a special ornament to celebrate every year together that makes me nostalgic for family.
It's been hard without my husband here. We have been a family for five years. Not always the best or happiest family, or the easiest to live with, but family none-the-less. We all love one another tremendously, even when we hurt one another. We have shared laughter and tears. We never give up on each other. We make the best of it, spending our time together and trying in vain to make up for his absence. Every single one of us wishes he would, or could, come home. God willing, he might. We will never give up hope.
Now, for my humor of the day:
Dear Pringles,
Now that I am an adult, my hand no longer fits into your tube of deliciousness. Please fix that.
Go ahead...laugh. You know it's funny. Lol.
Ok, hockey fans, I am excited to say I got to see two out of three winning Mauler's games this last weekend. Friday night was epic, with us going into two overtimes and finally winning 3-2. Saturday's game was good too, but to tell the truth I had a hard time keeping up with it, as the tears were flowing pretty good that night. I missed Sunday's game completely, due to spending time with new friends, but heard we kicked their asses! So, I am bummed to miss this coming weekend's game against the Roughriders in Butte. I wish my Yota was running so I could go watch it...but in all honesty it would be bittersweet for me, since my wonderful husband drives the team and works the games, and it is tough to be around him right now since I am so lovesick without him and all...
As for the upcoming holiday...well, I love Christmas. It reminds me of family being together and of baby Jesus in the manger. Every time I look at my littlest nephew Atigun (baby Gunner), I think of how protective Mary and Joseph must have been of their little one. Ok, I'm not into the commercial aspect of Christmas, as that just pisses me off. I get irked every time I see a Santa Claus or hear kids whining about what they want. I want to punch their parents in the junk for giving in to this 'gimmee' attitude, which only makes bratty kids brattier...
Our family stopped giving gifts a few years ago, and now are happy to simply be together. Presence, not presents. The gift of giving should be shared all year, not just one day a year. To give freely only once a year demeans the celebration of the birth of our salvation. Other than that, I love the tree decorating. That, I can get in to. There is something about having a special ornament to celebrate every year together that makes me nostalgic for family.
It's been hard without my husband here. We have been a family for five years. Not always the best or happiest family, or the easiest to live with, but family none-the-less. We all love one another tremendously, even when we hurt one another. We have shared laughter and tears. We never give up on each other. We make the best of it, spending our time together and trying in vain to make up for his absence. Every single one of us wishes he would, or could, come home. God willing, he might. We will never give up hope.
Now, for my humor of the day:
Dear Pringles,
Now that I am an adult, my hand no longer fits into your tube of deliciousness. Please fix that.
Go ahead...laugh. You know it's funny. Lol.
Getting Started
Alright, Dani got me started on this. I'm prolly gonna regret it, but...here goes.
Today was a tough one for me. I've been in tears more often than not lately, which is something entirely new for me. I was raised to hold tears back and not show them, or at the very least have the dignity to hide them until I could get out of sight, and Lord knows, certainly never let myself be caught at it. To do so was a weakness, and would get me beat for my effort. Needless to say, I learned to shut them down before they ever got started. Sometimes I would jab myself with something sharp or shut my hand in a door to keep them at bay. Hmmm....makes me think of all the tears I must have been saving up...which explains a lot.
Anyway, to cry lately has felt rather freeing. And, I have managed to do it in the most inappropriate and inopportune places, making even random strangers feel weird and uncomfortable...Wow, what a tranformation, huh? Well, considering the life shocks I have experienced in the last few months, it is to be expected. I have found myself, lost my husband, found a sister, gained a whole new appreciation for family, and reacquainted myself with God. What a ride it has been.
Sometimes this blog is bound to be boring, but mostly it should be interesting. I have spent most of my life being immature and silly at best, but always with remarkable insight into the world around me. My biggest blind spot has always been my own mind...and much to my dismay, it has gotten me in trouble again and again. While it has created some painful learning situations, it also makes for great and enlightened entertainment for the kids....so, please enjoy!
Today was a tough one for me. I've been in tears more often than not lately, which is something entirely new for me. I was raised to hold tears back and not show them, or at the very least have the dignity to hide them until I could get out of sight, and Lord knows, certainly never let myself be caught at it. To do so was a weakness, and would get me beat for my effort. Needless to say, I learned to shut them down before they ever got started. Sometimes I would jab myself with something sharp or shut my hand in a door to keep them at bay. Hmmm....makes me think of all the tears I must have been saving up...which explains a lot.
Anyway, to cry lately has felt rather freeing. And, I have managed to do it in the most inappropriate and inopportune places, making even random strangers feel weird and uncomfortable...Wow, what a tranformation, huh? Well, considering the life shocks I have experienced in the last few months, it is to be expected. I have found myself, lost my husband, found a sister, gained a whole new appreciation for family, and reacquainted myself with God. What a ride it has been.
Sometimes this blog is bound to be boring, but mostly it should be interesting. I have spent most of my life being immature and silly at best, but always with remarkable insight into the world around me. My biggest blind spot has always been my own mind...and much to my dismay, it has gotten me in trouble again and again. While it has created some painful learning situations, it also makes for great and enlightened entertainment for the kids....so, please enjoy!
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