As I look back on my last blog entry, I think to myself.....crap, I should go back and read these more often. If I had, then how I feel today would be no surprise. I thought of this as I listened to Daughtry's 'No Surprise' and realized that it really is no surprise. I mean, I can act like it is, but in all reality....it isn't.
Alas, I'm in the same place I was three months ago. Six months ago. Eight months ago. As far back as I go, I see I'm still standing in the same spot. I haven't moved an inch. What does this say for my lifetime need for growth, for spiritual and emotional maturity...which requires painful sacrifice. For what growth comes without pain, and although there has been much pain, most of it has been self-inflicted. I caught myself tonight looking toward astrology for understanding. Of what, I have no idea. Today is Brad's birthday. What does that mean to me? Not much. Except I caught myself thinking that I could look up his sign in an effort to try to understand what manner of forces are at work within him. I know, I know. It's silly. But at the same time, astrology tends to point toward some pretty strong character traits in those around me, so I don't find it as farfetched as some...but I also don't lend more credence to it than it deserves. His sign's reading didn't really tell me anything I didn't already know. That's pretty much how it goes with just about every source of input...because at the core of me that is God, I already have all the answers. I just need to remember them. Sometimes it takes the smallest, and silliest, things to jog my memories.
And that makes me think of Kat. Which both makes me angry, and makes me sad. And happy. But then angry and sad all over again. I know. It doesn't make sense. It would if I explained the events of the last month...
Kat ran away last month one night after I left for work. I called the sheriff. She was found at Kiwanis Park by that next afternoon. Fast forward a month. She'd been having a harder and harder time keeping herself out of trouble. She was stealing money and drugs, going from guy to guy almost on a daily basis. She changed friends so often I couldn't keep up with all their names and some of them I never saw their faces. I started taking her to work with me and making her sleep in the car. I couldn't trust her at home and she was fighting with mom and Dani & Jon more and more. I had to start locking my door or sleeping on my purse if I left it unlocked. I never knew what to expect any more.
I brought her to work with me on my first night of work week before last (the 10th) after cleaning Heather's home for some much needed $ (after Jessie had cleaned out my bank account....again. A story for another time...), and within an hour of arriving she had disappeared. She led us a merry chase around town for a couple of days before lying her way into a ride to Ogden, Utah with Joshua Bumgarner. Poor kid. He didn't realize what he was in for. She put him through 48 hours of holy hell, ending with her bunking at some unknown guy's house and taking a handful of pills and smoking so much pot she was puking her guts up while he was freaked out of his mind. When he suggested that she return home before something really bad happened, she punched him in the face for his concern. Thank goodness he finally came to his senses and turned her into the authorities, who promptly picked her up and arrested her new housemates (turns out the group she'd made fast friends with had warrants...hmmm) on Sunday the 14th. She now resides in the Webber Detention Center in Ogden. Upon her return, which at this date hasn't been determined, she has pending charges for theft of money and prescription drugs from Heather the night we cleaned. Ugh. At this point, she's refused to sign the consent form to return home. A runaway that doesn't want to go home. Go figure.
At this point, I don't want her home. It's a much more peaceful place without her. The constant drama and crisis is no more. I don't have to hide my valuables. I can breathe. It feels good. I mean, sure....the thing with Brad eats at me...but I can overcome that with enough time. Right? :/
