So, I made it through another day. I had a long day of juggling errands and getting things done after work, then finally made my way home and got to sleep around 2pm...and decided I'd set my alarm for 9pm so I'd get some real rest. I ended up waking up before the alarm at 8pm...feeling like the day was slipping away from me. I don't know why I should worry so, especially when Mr. Wonderful has his kids tonight, so I was in no hurry to get up or head off anywhere.
I anticipated some kind of interaction with Mr. Unavailable today, as it seems I have been for days now. I don't know why I worry. Although he's talked big about not letting me go...well, he never really had me to begin with, did he? So, I guess I can't be all that surprised that he's faded into the background so easily and with such little fuss. In some ways it really hurts my feelings. I invested quite a bit of myself and my heart into him, and now it feels like it was all one-sided, although he assured me at every opportunity that he wanted me and someday would come to his senses and make us a stunning reality. He painted such lovely pictures of what could be....ugh. I hate him for that. Ok, I don't really hate him...I just intensely dislike the way he led me on so callously and without care or consideration for the depth of my feelings. Had I to go through this obvious rejection (it's kind of funny I see it this way, when in all reality I broke it off with him....hmmm) alone, then it would probably have broken me again so quickly after the utter devastation of my divorce. For a while, at least. But to tell truth I've been broken almost the whole six months we've been seeing each other. I knew from the beginning that it wasn't right. I shouldn't have been spending time with him, and he most certainly shouldn't have been spending time with me...and I knew it. I spent almost the entire six months trying to bring it back around to something good and decent..something I didn't have to be ashamed to be a part of. I was so stubborn, I couldn't admit it was a lost cause from the beginning.
That being said...I had a text or two from Mr. Wonderful when I woke up, which started my day out splendidly. He asked if I would stop by for a minute before work to say hello and get a hug...and I said absolutely! I couldn't wait to see him...and although I felt slightly self-conscious about having such intense feelings of longing for someone I barely know...I would be lying if I said I was anything less than excited. It felt so good to have someone I respect want to see me...want to touch me, spend time with me, listen to me, talk to me, cherish and love me....oh, the simply silly things that make my heart melt...
He was standing outside, waiting by his truck, as I pulled up. I asked him if he minded getting in the car with me because it was so cold outside. He was more than happy to do so. We sat together in the car...me turned in the seat toward him, touching him, listening to the mellow tones of his voice, pulling myself close enough to breath his scent...giddy with butterflies of desire as he tells me about how happy he is to see me, how happy I make him...how he will be there for me as I go thru the death throes of this thing with Mr. Unavailable...be there for me when I need him..or as long as I will have him...stand up for me if it becomes necessary. God. Is this guy for real? Can he get any sexier? any more desirable? I felt stunned. Humbled. Speechless. Unable to articulate the depth of my desire and absolute love for this guy. Yes, I said love. Shit. In most situations, use of that word alone would have me light-headed, panicked, ready to bolt in the survival response of flight. Especially so soon. But I've noticed in my life's travels that sometimes things just feel so right they need not be denied. And this definitely qualifies as one of those times. How do I fight it? and why would I want to? Too many people are afraid of love, and don't want to give it away at any price, when I want nothing more than to give all my love away...and drink in all that I receive. And as far as receiving goes, I have been in a drought for as long as I can remember...so I can't see why I wouldn't soak up every ounce given to me.
So tonight (last night? ugh. damn night shift!) he is at home being a wonderful dad. I can't imagine anything sexier than a family man. Someone who isn't ashamed to love his kids, his partner...and show it. He wants the kids to meet me, but has committed not to bring anyone into their lives until the divorce is final. It makes sense. Much less confusing for the them...less traumatic. I can see how this might drag on, though. Especially if the ex is panicked at the thought of losing him and decides to draw it out for an extended period, hoping with time he will come to his senses. And in all reality, at this point she isn't technically the ex. At least not legally. I suppose the fact that I am still here means I am making the decision now that being with him and coming to know and love both him and his children is something worth waiting for. And I can also see how this is reminscent of things with Mr. Unavailable, but he has already said that he won't keep us a secret (and wasn't afraid to use the word 'us'...which wasn't in Mr. Unavailable's vocabulary), and doesn't care who knows...and has offered to take me places in public, including to his place of work...and even hold my hand...which I admit is very sweet (can he possibly know what huge things these are to me?...omg. maybe it's the reason he's offering it...!). Although this should make me ecstatic (it is what I want, right?), I am uncomfortable with this. I'm not into hurting anyone, much less his eventually-to-be ex wife...or his children. I'm left wondering how can I possibly allow someone to give me what I want and deserve without having to make others pay for it...so I'm not sure I can quite take him up on this generous offer at this point. I suppose I will just have to take things one moment at a time and be willing to remain open to winging it as the situation requires.
Regardless, I can feel the difference in me already. I look forward to tomorrows. No matter how I look at it, that can't be wrong. And my gut isn't twisting. And I'm learning to listen to that more than anything, cuz its never led me wrong...when I've listened.
Til next time...
Sunday, May 29, 2011
Saturday, May 14, 2011
A Stirring of Echoes
Ok, yeah, I know that's the name of a movie...but it really fit today. After getting off this morning, I went to my friend/patient Joseph's. I love going to his house, cuz he is one of the few people who's thoughts and opinions I still respect...especially since the words of so many lately rarely match up with their actions. So, there I am...and the subject of parents' deaths came up (don't ask me how...)...and there I am, thinking about things that haven't happened for better than three decades. What am I, like six again?! Jeez. Anyway, this epiphany hits me, and I realize that I have stirred echoes within the corridors of my life that lead me to the present day. It suddenly hits me that all of today's choices are influenced by the heart and mind of a little six-year old little girl who wanted nothing more than to love and to belong and be loved in return. But that didn't happen at age six, and fear of that never happening again has molded me into the crazed and dysfunctional person I am proud to be today. o.O
Anyway, I shed a few tears over what might have been for that little girl, then sucked it up and went home to crash for a decent day's sleep before comiing back to work tonight. I got up to answer a phone call from a guy that is always on the verge of being in my life, then went to Mickey D's to find an Angus Deluxe with my name on it. Call it more of a craving. Then I realized I left my phone at home...and god forbid I should go any length of time without that albatross around my neck, ran home to get it, then took myself to Kiwanis Park to watch the river and think as I ate. After stuffing myself with the whole burger (I usually can only eat half...ugh...so full!), I forced myself out of the comfort of my Suby and made my way down to the river.
As I moved toward the water, I thought of Todd. Nothing romantic or anything, more like I was thinking about how pathetic that whole situation was for him and how he was a coward in the face of life and a fool for throwing away a chance at happiness with both hands, not to mention the loss of what had once been a loving and beautiful family. The tragedy of it is lost on my, I suppose. At one time I would have cared immensely and been inconsolably sad...but not now, and certainly not today. This whole line of thinking made me think of the sadness of the current guy that's not really in my life...and that was too much for me, so I put all thought of anyone else but me and my happiness out of my mind. The force of the water at the bend in the river was incredible, and the moon was rising, with only a few clouds in the sky the stars blazed. I walked all the way to my work's back door, just to see how it looked from the river side in the dark...then turned around and made my way back to my car. As I moved, I thought about the fact that I could walk, hell...run even, if I wanted to..but it felt so good I took my time and paid close attention to how my body moved from one step to the next, hips rolling, arms moving, and the muscles in my side tightening as I swaggered. Yes, I swaggered...hell, when someone has as much hips and a$$ as I have, well, they have to swing or they'd have no place to go...and in the end, it all felt soooo good. I thanked god for the opportunity to feel like a whole human being again...and came on to work.
After I got here, I realized that I felt crappier than I'd remembered feeling the night before. Seems whatever I had or has been going around is sticking it out a while longer, just to get the best of me. It wasn't an hour and a half after stepping in the door that I was hugging the toilet...again. Jeez. Yet again, had I been able to figure out how to call in an on-call person, I'd have left here in a state of perpetual ungrace. Ugh. Just call me Punky Brewster... -.-
My horoscope today said:
You'll feel conflicted today, for reasons you don't fully understand. Something you know to be true seems at odds with the facts you are presented. Focus on the solution, idea, or "truth" that feels right in your heart. Don't worry too much about being "right".
On the other hand, God had this to say:
Give yourself permission to be un-busy. Give yourself an hour or a day to simply be. Allow yourself the luxury of a small retreat. Allow your spirit time to be restored. Even God took a day of rest.
Now, what God had to say today really fit this evening. As I walked along the path next tot he river, I kept thinking.. 'What a magnificent scene I have created for myself tonight...this is f'in gorgeous!...man, I rock'...and I was thankful that I wasn't with anyone, since it forced me to give to or please no one except myself. It was the first time since I walked after rehab that I felt a sense of myself coming back to me...like I didn't need anyone else to help me feel complete...I was finally complete on my own, simply for being Me..! And I have taken tonight off to continue along that vein...
Anyway, I shed a few tears over what might have been for that little girl, then sucked it up and went home to crash for a decent day's sleep before comiing back to work tonight. I got up to answer a phone call from a guy that is always on the verge of being in my life, then went to Mickey D's to find an Angus Deluxe with my name on it. Call it more of a craving. Then I realized I left my phone at home...and god forbid I should go any length of time without that albatross around my neck, ran home to get it, then took myself to Kiwanis Park to watch the river and think as I ate. After stuffing myself with the whole burger (I usually can only eat half...ugh...so full!), I forced myself out of the comfort of my Suby and made my way down to the river.
As I moved toward the water, I thought of Todd. Nothing romantic or anything, more like I was thinking about how pathetic that whole situation was for him and how he was a coward in the face of life and a fool for throwing away a chance at happiness with both hands, not to mention the loss of what had once been a loving and beautiful family. The tragedy of it is lost on my, I suppose. At one time I would have cared immensely and been inconsolably sad...but not now, and certainly not today. This whole line of thinking made me think of the sadness of the current guy that's not really in my life...and that was too much for me, so I put all thought of anyone else but me and my happiness out of my mind. The force of the water at the bend in the river was incredible, and the moon was rising, with only a few clouds in the sky the stars blazed. I walked all the way to my work's back door, just to see how it looked from the river side in the dark...then turned around and made my way back to my car. As I moved, I thought about the fact that I could walk, hell...run even, if I wanted to..but it felt so good I took my time and paid close attention to how my body moved from one step to the next, hips rolling, arms moving, and the muscles in my side tightening as I swaggered. Yes, I swaggered...hell, when someone has as much hips and a$$ as I have, well, they have to swing or they'd have no place to go...and in the end, it all felt soooo good. I thanked god for the opportunity to feel like a whole human being again...and came on to work.
After I got here, I realized that I felt crappier than I'd remembered feeling the night before. Seems whatever I had or has been going around is sticking it out a while longer, just to get the best of me. It wasn't an hour and a half after stepping in the door that I was hugging the toilet...again. Jeez. Yet again, had I been able to figure out how to call in an on-call person, I'd have left here in a state of perpetual ungrace. Ugh. Just call me Punky Brewster... -.-
My horoscope today said:
You'll feel conflicted today, for reasons you don't fully understand. Something you know to be true seems at odds with the facts you are presented. Focus on the solution, idea, or "truth" that feels right in your heart. Don't worry too much about being "right".
On the other hand, God had this to say:
Give yourself permission to be un-busy. Give yourself an hour or a day to simply be. Allow yourself the luxury of a small retreat. Allow your spirit time to be restored. Even God took a day of rest.
Now, what God had to say today really fit this evening. As I walked along the path next tot he river, I kept thinking.. 'What a magnificent scene I have created for myself tonight...this is f'in gorgeous!...man, I rock'...and I was thankful that I wasn't with anyone, since it forced me to give to or please no one except myself. It was the first time since I walked after rehab that I felt a sense of myself coming back to me...like I didn't need anyone else to help me feel complete...I was finally complete on my own, simply for being Me..! And I have taken tonight off to continue along that vein...
Saturday, May 7, 2011
Where Am I?
Originally written: 3/13/2011
Let's check the pulse of where I am right now...
As I put my standby guy on the plane back home, I searched myself for any feelings I may harbor. I love him without a doubt. There has never been a question of that. What lies in question is if that is enough to justify seeking a life together. Must someone be in love to remain true and faithful to the relationship..? Todd was unable to do it. Surely he loved me at some point, but in the end was in love with someone else...or at the very least had woefully fallen out of love with me. That alone should serve as a warning and answer any lingering questions I should have, and yet I still find myself considering the possibility of forever. I suppose I will just have to sit with it. I believe I'm perfectly comfortable staying single and not entering into a serious relationship...as I've been enjoying the freedom to be myself...and not having to put anothers' thoughts and feelings before my own.
Let's check the pulse of where I am right now...
As I put my standby guy on the plane back home, I searched myself for any feelings I may harbor. I love him without a doubt. There has never been a question of that. What lies in question is if that is enough to justify seeking a life together. Must someone be in love to remain true and faithful to the relationship..? Todd was unable to do it. Surely he loved me at some point, but in the end was in love with someone else...or at the very least had woefully fallen out of love with me. That alone should serve as a warning and answer any lingering questions I should have, and yet I still find myself considering the possibility of forever. I suppose I will just have to sit with it. I believe I'm perfectly comfortable staying single and not entering into a serious relationship...as I've been enjoying the freedom to be myself...and not having to put anothers' thoughts and feelings before my own.
Why, oh why?! This must be true...fml.
What God had to say to me today:
On this day of your life, Susan,
On this day of your life, Susan,
...that it is better to do now what you will have to do
eventually.
You know, right now, what you will have to do
eventually. Your stomach is telling you right now.
You just don't want to have to listen to it; don't
want to believe it.
Believe it. The tummy knows. How many times in
your life must you prove this to yourself?
You will not have to think but a second to know
exactly why you received this message today.
The blessed sanctuary of work...
Thank the One for this sanctuary...my work. I am so blessed to have it...
Tonight (5/6/2011) was especially hard for me. I started out this morning getting off work sick...after having a bloody nose and sinus problems all night...throwing up after I got to Joseph's...not really feeling like doing or eating much of anything...went home, threw up again...drive heaved... took an anti-nausea med and fell into a coma, not waking until 15 minutes before having to be at work. It made for a quick dress and no opportunity to fully awaken before getting here...but that was probably a good thing since when I did fully come back to myself, this is the sniveling mess I am left with..... ugh. :'(
Needless to say, things with Brad haven't been going that great. Although it seems we love one another, things just won't seem to come together. At this point, it is all on him....as when I've made up my mind there isn't much to deter me...
The main problem here is that he's been single (lived alone) for so long...although he's had a long-term relationship, they were never really together...as they lived separate lives and only got together when it convenienced them both. That's not what I call a real relationship, so for general purposes it doesn't count. He's lived for much too long denying his want or need of another person...and because of it, has learned to live alone. I am so sick of being alone. Even in the midst of my relationships, I have always felt alone. There is nothing worse than being in a 'loving' relationship with someone and still feeling alone. Ugh. I would rather get the hell of my dying over with and move on to my next life experience....please and thank you. Just the mere thought of returning to the One...the Whole...of Us All...makes me tear up again. The thought is so beautiful...so wonderful and magnificent...it makes me yearn for it...anything to feel that blessed love that is reconnecting with the One.... I would give anything that I don't have to feel the yawning of an eternity...mocking with me with it's threat of separation and eternal loneliness....ugh.
I called him yesterday...and texted him this morning after not hearing from him...and then when all I got in return were two very short texts and not a single phone call all day...well, that was pretty much my breaking point....fml.
I finally broke down as I wrote a message to him on FB, trying to explain how I was feeling...and making a mucky mess of everything, I'm sure....and cried with careful abandon (...being mindful of others in the house and not wanting to be a source of distress for those who already lived a life of disadvantage). I had tried unsuccessfully to blink them away as I looked at my reflection in the office windows, but they would not be put off. When they finally broke through my reserve, the tears tore from me all the energy and vitality I had managed to gather from my day of sleeping...and left me weak and lifeless. I cried through writing the message, sent it, then cried as I moved through the house, doing what needed to be done before morning came. I was thankful that chores allowed my body to move on auto pilot, without any real need for thought...as I wasn't capable of anything more complicated than sorting silverware for the drawer...and my tears blurred my vision as I tried to sweep, making the piles of debris blend into one another. I hear barely audible whimpers...and realize it is coming from me...and this scares me into silence. I use the need for quiet as way to gain control of myself, as my motions (and emotions) must be carefully controlled to keep dishes from clacking together as I put them away. Finally, as I moved to turn out the lights on the house I realized the tears had stopped and I could feel the crusty salt on my face as I winced in thought about what I must look like to anyone who may come upon me...then I made my way back to the office, not sure what to do with myself...fearing that should my body stop moving, my mind would surely crack open and another deluge of tears drown out what little life remained.
In the end, I decided to sit and pour myself upon the page, rather than allowing dismal thoughts to circle round and round within my mind....hoping to empty my mind of all it contains...so that I might finally be free of its burden upon me. And so here I sit....pouring...and hoping....
Once again, I must examine what eats at me: How is it that I have worked my way into another unbalanced relationship that doesn't give to me as much as it takes...? Fuck. Again, I am guilty of wanting...needing...and yet I read a message from God today about allowing myself to do neither of these, but to encourage myself to fall into the 'cushion of desire'.......to which I admit I do not fully understand.
Again, thank God for my work. Without it, I don't know where I would be...possibly locked away from the world within the walls of my home, not wanting to step foot outside of it for fear the world will take hold of me without love or mercy and rip me to pieces...cowering in fear and self-loathing. Ugh. The mere thought shames me. Almost worse than the weak and vulnerable tears I shed through the night.
Already the new day is dawning through slight degrees of silent light that infiltrate the shades of my office's windows...and it hearkens to me...bringing with it a promise of a world full of opportunities to alleviate the loneliness that suffocates me....
Tonight (5/6/2011) was especially hard for me. I started out this morning getting off work sick...after having a bloody nose and sinus problems all night...throwing up after I got to Joseph's...not really feeling like doing or eating much of anything...went home, threw up again...drive heaved... took an anti-nausea med and fell into a coma, not waking until 15 minutes before having to be at work. It made for a quick dress and no opportunity to fully awaken before getting here...but that was probably a good thing since when I did fully come back to myself, this is the sniveling mess I am left with..... ugh. :'(
Needless to say, things with Brad haven't been going that great. Although it seems we love one another, things just won't seem to come together. At this point, it is all on him....as when I've made up my mind there isn't much to deter me...
The main problem here is that he's been single (lived alone) for so long...although he's had a long-term relationship, they were never really together...as they lived separate lives and only got together when it convenienced them both. That's not what I call a real relationship, so for general purposes it doesn't count. He's lived for much too long denying his want or need of another person...and because of it, has learned to live alone. I am so sick of being alone. Even in the midst of my relationships, I have always felt alone. There is nothing worse than being in a 'loving' relationship with someone and still feeling alone. Ugh. I would rather get the hell of my dying over with and move on to my next life experience....please and thank you. Just the mere thought of returning to the One...the Whole...of Us All...makes me tear up again. The thought is so beautiful...so wonderful and magnificent...it makes me yearn for it...anything to feel that blessed love that is reconnecting with the One.... I would give anything that I don't have to feel the yawning of an eternity...mocking with me with it's threat of separation and eternal loneliness....ugh.
I called him yesterday...and texted him this morning after not hearing from him...and then when all I got in return were two very short texts and not a single phone call all day...well, that was pretty much my breaking point....fml.
I finally broke down as I wrote a message to him on FB, trying to explain how I was feeling...and making a mucky mess of everything, I'm sure....and cried with careful abandon (...being mindful of others in the house and not wanting to be a source of distress for those who already lived a life of disadvantage). I had tried unsuccessfully to blink them away as I looked at my reflection in the office windows, but they would not be put off. When they finally broke through my reserve, the tears tore from me all the energy and vitality I had managed to gather from my day of sleeping...and left me weak and lifeless. I cried through writing the message, sent it, then cried as I moved through the house, doing what needed to be done before morning came. I was thankful that chores allowed my body to move on auto pilot, without any real need for thought...as I wasn't capable of anything more complicated than sorting silverware for the drawer...and my tears blurred my vision as I tried to sweep, making the piles of debris blend into one another. I hear barely audible whimpers...and realize it is coming from me...and this scares me into silence. I use the need for quiet as way to gain control of myself, as my motions (and emotions) must be carefully controlled to keep dishes from clacking together as I put them away. Finally, as I moved to turn out the lights on the house I realized the tears had stopped and I could feel the crusty salt on my face as I winced in thought about what I must look like to anyone who may come upon me...then I made my way back to the office, not sure what to do with myself...fearing that should my body stop moving, my mind would surely crack open and another deluge of tears drown out what little life remained.
In the end, I decided to sit and pour myself upon the page, rather than allowing dismal thoughts to circle round and round within my mind....hoping to empty my mind of all it contains...so that I might finally be free of its burden upon me. And so here I sit....pouring...and hoping....
Once again, I must examine what eats at me: How is it that I have worked my way into another unbalanced relationship that doesn't give to me as much as it takes...? Fuck. Again, I am guilty of wanting...needing...and yet I read a message from God today about allowing myself to do neither of these, but to encourage myself to fall into the 'cushion of desire'.......to which I admit I do not fully understand.
Again, thank God for my work. Without it, I don't know where I would be...possibly locked away from the world within the walls of my home, not wanting to step foot outside of it for fear the world will take hold of me without love or mercy and rip me to pieces...cowering in fear and self-loathing. Ugh. The mere thought shames me. Almost worse than the weak and vulnerable tears I shed through the night.
Already the new day is dawning through slight degrees of silent light that infiltrate the shades of my office's windows...and it hearkens to me...bringing with it a promise of a world full of opportunities to alleviate the loneliness that suffocates me....
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