Thank the One for this sanctuary...my work. I am so blessed to have it...
Tonight (5/6/2011) was especially hard for me. I started out this morning getting off work sick...after having a bloody nose and sinus problems all night...throwing up after I got to Joseph's...not really feeling like doing or eating much of anything...went home, threw up again...drive heaved... took an anti-nausea med and fell into a coma, not waking until 15 minutes before having to be at work. It made for a quick dress and no opportunity to fully awaken before getting here...but that was probably a good thing since when I did fully come back to myself, this is the sniveling mess I am left with..... ugh. :'(
Needless to say, things with Brad haven't been going that great. Although it seems we love one another, things just won't seem to come together. At this point, it is all on him....as when I've made up my mind there isn't much to deter me...
The main problem here is that he's been single (lived alone) for so long...although he's had a long-term relationship, they were never really together...as they lived separate lives and only got together when it convenienced them both. That's not what I call a real relationship, so for general purposes it doesn't count. He's lived for much too long denying his want or need of another person...and because of it, has learned to live alone. I am so sick of being alone. Even in the midst of my relationships, I have always felt alone. There is nothing worse than being in a 'loving' relationship with someone and still feeling alone. Ugh. I would rather get the hell of my dying over with and move on to my next life experience....please and thank you. Just the mere thought of returning to the One...the Whole...of Us All...makes me tear up again. The thought is so beautiful...so wonderful and magnificent...it makes me yearn for it...anything to feel that blessed love that is reconnecting with the One.... I would give anything that I don't have to feel the yawning of an eternity...mocking with me with it's threat of separation and eternal loneliness....ugh.
I called him yesterday...and texted him this morning after not hearing from him...and then when all I got in return were two very short texts and not a single phone call all day...well, that was pretty much my breaking point....fml.
I finally broke down as I wrote a message to him on FB, trying to explain how I was feeling...and making a mucky mess of everything, I'm sure....and cried with careful abandon (...being mindful of others in the house and not wanting to be a source of distress for those who already lived a life of disadvantage). I had tried unsuccessfully to blink them away as I looked at my reflection in the office windows, but they would not be put off. When they finally broke through my reserve, the tears tore from me all the energy and vitality I had managed to gather from my day of sleeping...and left me weak and lifeless. I cried through writing the message, sent it, then cried as I moved through the house, doing what needed to be done before morning came. I was thankful that chores allowed my body to move on auto pilot, without any real need for thought...as I wasn't capable of anything more complicated than sorting silverware for the drawer...and my tears blurred my vision as I tried to sweep, making the piles of debris blend into one another. I hear barely audible whimpers...and realize it is coming from me...and this scares me into silence. I use the need for quiet as way to gain control of myself, as my motions (and emotions) must be carefully controlled to keep dishes from clacking together as I put them away. Finally, as I moved to turn out the lights on the house I realized the tears had stopped and I could feel the crusty salt on my face as I winced in thought about what I must look like to anyone who may come upon me...then I made my way back to the office, not sure what to do with myself...fearing that should my body stop moving, my mind would surely crack open and another deluge of tears drown out what little life remained.
In the end, I decided to sit and pour myself upon the page, rather than allowing dismal thoughts to circle round and round within my mind....hoping to empty my mind of all it contains...so that I might finally be free of its burden upon me. And so here I sit....pouring...and hoping....
Once again, I must examine what eats at me: How is it that I have worked my way into another unbalanced relationship that doesn't give to me as much as it takes...? Fuck. Again, I am guilty of wanting...needing...and yet I read a message from God today about allowing myself to do neither of these, but to encourage myself to fall into the 'cushion of desire'.......to which I admit I do not fully understand.
Again, thank God for my work. Without it, I don't know where I would be...possibly locked away from the world within the walls of my home, not wanting to step foot outside of it for fear the world will take hold of me without love or mercy and rip me to pieces...cowering in fear and self-loathing. Ugh. The mere thought shames me. Almost worse than the weak and vulnerable tears I shed through the night.
Already the new day is dawning through slight degrees of silent light that infiltrate the shades of my office's windows...and it hearkens to me...bringing with it a promise of a world full of opportunities to alleviate the loneliness that suffocates me....
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