So, I made it through another day. I had a long day of juggling errands and getting things done after work, then finally made my way home and got to sleep around 2pm...and decided I'd set my alarm for 9pm so I'd get some real rest. I ended up waking up before the alarm at 8pm...feeling like the day was slipping away from me. I don't know why I should worry so, especially when Mr. Wonderful has his kids tonight, so I was in no hurry to get up or head off anywhere.
I anticipated some kind of interaction with Mr. Unavailable today, as it seems I have been for days now. I don't know why I worry. Although he's talked big about not letting me go...well, he never really had me to begin with, did he? So, I guess I can't be all that surprised that he's faded into the background so easily and with such little fuss. In some ways it really hurts my feelings. I invested quite a bit of myself and my heart into him, and now it feels like it was all one-sided, although he assured me at every opportunity that he wanted me and someday would come to his senses and make us a stunning reality. He painted such lovely pictures of what could be....ugh. I hate him for that. Ok, I don't really hate him...I just intensely dislike the way he led me on so callously and without care or consideration for the depth of my feelings. Had I to go through this obvious rejection (it's kind of funny I see it this way, when in all reality I broke it off with him....hmmm) alone, then it would probably have broken me again so quickly after the utter devastation of my divorce. For a while, at least. But to tell truth I've been broken almost the whole six months we've been seeing each other. I knew from the beginning that it wasn't right. I shouldn't have been spending time with him, and he most certainly shouldn't have been spending time with me...and I knew it. I spent almost the entire six months trying to bring it back around to something good and decent..something I didn't have to be ashamed to be a part of. I was so stubborn, I couldn't admit it was a lost cause from the beginning.
That being said...I had a text or two from Mr. Wonderful when I woke up, which started my day out splendidly. He asked if I would stop by for a minute before work to say hello and get a hug...and I said absolutely! I couldn't wait to see him...and although I felt slightly self-conscious about having such intense feelings of longing for someone I barely know...I would be lying if I said I was anything less than excited. It felt so good to have someone I respect want to see me...want to touch me, spend time with me, listen to me, talk to me, cherish and love me....oh, the simply silly things that make my heart melt...
He was standing outside, waiting by his truck, as I pulled up. I asked him if he minded getting in the car with me because it was so cold outside. He was more than happy to do so. We sat together in the car...me turned in the seat toward him, touching him, listening to the mellow tones of his voice, pulling myself close enough to breath his scent...giddy with butterflies of desire as he tells me about how happy he is to see me, how happy I make him...how he will be there for me as I go thru the death throes of this thing with Mr. Unavailable...be there for me when I need him..or as long as I will have him...stand up for me if it becomes necessary. God. Is this guy for real? Can he get any sexier? any more desirable? I felt stunned. Humbled. Speechless. Unable to articulate the depth of my desire and absolute love for this guy. Yes, I said love. Shit. In most situations, use of that word alone would have me light-headed, panicked, ready to bolt in the survival response of flight. Especially so soon. But I've noticed in my life's travels that sometimes things just feel so right they need not be denied. And this definitely qualifies as one of those times. How do I fight it? and why would I want to? Too many people are afraid of love, and don't want to give it away at any price, when I want nothing more than to give all my love away...and drink in all that I receive. And as far as receiving goes, I have been in a drought for as long as I can remember...so I can't see why I wouldn't soak up every ounce given to me.
So tonight (last night? ugh. damn night shift!) he is at home being a wonderful dad. I can't imagine anything sexier than a family man. Someone who isn't ashamed to love his kids, his partner...and show it. He wants the kids to meet me, but has committed not to bring anyone into their lives until the divorce is final. It makes sense. Much less confusing for the them...less traumatic. I can see how this might drag on, though. Especially if the ex is panicked at the thought of losing him and decides to draw it out for an extended period, hoping with time he will come to his senses. And in all reality, at this point she isn't technically the ex. At least not legally. I suppose the fact that I am still here means I am making the decision now that being with him and coming to know and love both him and his children is something worth waiting for. And I can also see how this is reminscent of things with Mr. Unavailable, but he has already said that he won't keep us a secret (and wasn't afraid to use the word 'us'...which wasn't in Mr. Unavailable's vocabulary), and doesn't care who knows...and has offered to take me places in public, including to his place of work...and even hold my hand...which I admit is very sweet (can he possibly know what huge things these are to me?...omg. maybe it's the reason he's offering it...!). Although this should make me ecstatic (it is what I want, right?), I am uncomfortable with this. I'm not into hurting anyone, much less his eventually-to-be ex wife...or his children. I'm left wondering how can I possibly allow someone to give me what I want and deserve without having to make others pay for it...so I'm not sure I can quite take him up on this generous offer at this point. I suppose I will just have to take things one moment at a time and be willing to remain open to winging it as the situation requires.
Regardless, I can feel the difference in me already. I look forward to tomorrows. No matter how I look at it, that can't be wrong. And my gut isn't twisting. And I'm learning to listen to that more than anything, cuz its never led me wrong...when I've listened.
Til next time...
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