Sabotage. Of Self.

Well, Dani says I'm just determined to sabotage my love life and be unhappy...and there are times I really almost agree with her. Almost.

I can understand the sabotage part. I know that I think too much. That is oft-times sabotage enough. But in the last two situations, I seemed to be the only one doing any thinking at all. Period. Ugh.

Ok. So, I broke up with Brad weeks ago. Just last week I decided to give someone new a chance, so I went from dating Mr. Unavailable to spending time with what seemed to be Mr. Wonderful. Well...that isn't fair to say and makes the good guy sound bad, so I should clarify. The guy who was wonderful still is, and the guy who wasn't available still isn't. It's just that the guy who is wonderful isn't exactly Mr. Available. Which is where my problem lies. I can't say I didn't know this guy was still married, but I was under the impression they were going through a divorce. 'Going through a divorce' gives the impression that a petition for divorce has been filed, or at least there is a legal separation in place, if nothing more than a simple Parenting Plan to line out how they will still co-parent while figuring everything else out. This isn't the case. He's done nothing more than argued and fought for better than 18-months..and told her that he doesn't want to be married to her or be with her any more...then moved out of the family home and into his own apartment. While he has his own place, he is on a very short leash with his phone because of his kids and work. This is understandable. It also makes him an easy mark to be terrorized by her calls and texts on unrelated subjects. Especially when she knows that he is off work and likely to be in my company. It seems such a small thing, but it comes across larger than life.

Case in point: I was at his apartment with him this afternoon, trying to lay down for a couple hours of rest before having to come into work tonight. His phone was on vibrate, which he hasn't realized I can hear on a subsonic level...and it managed to keep me in a state of constant unrest because his wife was blowing it up with calls and texts. I can admit it was my conscience bothering me. Damn it. I knew good and well that I was laying in a married man's bed, in his arms, while his wife (and mother of his children) blew up his phone in a righteously jealous rage, flipping back and forth between trying to seduce him and telling him to get fucking bent. Fuck. What kind of person am I? It's no wonder I got no rest and couldn't wait to get up and leave. Worse yet, as I left I wanted to end things with this otherwise wonderful man. Even worse, I wanted to call or text Brad right away as I left. To what purpose I have no idea. Obviously going through a serious self-sabotage episode. This is the equivalent of wanting to cut my own throat with a dull spoon. I know damn good and well that situation is no better and all roads that are open to me at this point will lead me straight to hell if I follow them.

So what the hell is all this about? In my earlier years I never really cared much about how my actions affected other people. Especially other people that were so far removed from my everyday relationships and interactions. It was like those people weren't real or didn't count. Until I became one of those people. And not just once. But many times over. I have SO been the people that I think about now. I think about this man's wife, Becki. I even wonder if I spell her name correctly, or if that's just the way he's spelled it in his phone's contact list. I want to give her that much consideration and respect. I want to care about her feelings, to understand how difficult all this must be for her. He is obviously a great guy. Maybe not the guy for her. But still a great guy. Certainly not one I would want to lose. I felt the same way about Todd. He wasn't the guy for me, obviously. But that didn't mean he wasn't a good guy, and because he was a good guy, that I didn't want to lose him. But we can't stay with people because we don't want to lose them. The quickest way to lose love is to cling to it.