Oh, yes! Girlfriends Galore

I am excited and happy to say that my years of self-imposed isolation and self-hatred of my femininity are finally at an end. I am very privileged and grateful to have surrounded myself with a group of strong women. Each of us have our backgrounds and similar stories...and we didn't start out as beautiful and glorious survivors, but it is the place we are moving steadily toward, and together. I couldn't be more blessed. I will be writing about them in the weeks to come and sharing my love of them with the world at large. I couldn't be happier!!! <3333333333333333333!!!

WTF??!! meaningless blow jobs...and finding stillness

Alright, people...I have spent the last five months working until I am exhausted, trying ceaselessly to open my life and bring it back into line with what I have always believed to be true and right. Ugh. I am so tired I can't see straight, which is probably a good thing, considering the warped and twisted world I would view if my sight were spot on....

How is it that the more steadily we work toward something, the farther it seems to get away from us?? I suppose it goes back to making a statement of need or desire, which does nothing more than give weight and credibility to the very lack of that 'something' to which we are wanting so desperately. I know this at the very depth of me, but the 'learning' I have had since birth has taken me so far away from the truth of things that I find I am often lost in trying to blow away the fog that surrounds my remembering of that which I Am. Oh, the circles... 

I have worked all these months to build anew a relationship with the family I thought I once had, then had lost, only to find once again...The very same people who hurt me and my children so mercilessly when they made us believe that we were family turned their back on us the moment Todd walked out. I knew even before he left that they despised us all and used every opportunity to talk us down, not only to outsiders, but also among themselves. Todd even participated and helped to build their resentment of us. Although that isn't the case now, it only serves to make the contrast between now and then even more apparent.

Regardless of the past, which is something I get to find out more about every day...and is something I obviously need to move past...I find that I have a desire to be close to these people and have their approval. The why of it escapes me. It only serves to hurt and disappoint me, this desire...but it is what it is. Before I can move forward, I find that I must purge myself of the past...so here goes nothing:

My mother-in-law once liked me; maybe even loved me. That was a long time ago and didn't last very long. I never did anything to change her feelings for me, but I find that doesn't mean much in the world she inhabits. She has proven herself to be the opposite of everything she says and does. It makes for a difficult, if not impossible, relationship. 

Case in point: About three years ago, she called me up and asked me to fill in for a woman that bowled on her bowling league team. I wasn't crazy about bowling, never having picked it up as a hobby, but was eager to help out in any way I could. I joined her team and felt the unwelcome snub the first time I set foot upon the lanes with her team of friends. I never understood why she and a much younger teammate were always so close and when I would approach they would lean in toward each other and cut me out. I had never met this teammate before and didn't know her from Eve. She seemed nice enough when my MIL wasn't around and I often took the opportunity to create small talk to try to get to know her. 

Once, when she brought a money-making gift booklet to league play, I found a couple of items that I wanted to buy for my son's room and offered to order them with her. I paid the money and she insisted that she deliver them to my home. I was grateful. Still, nothing changed. I was still on the outside without knowing why. This lasted my whole time on the team, which added up to about four months. About a year later, Todd and I rolled on some E together and he got chatty. He let it spill that they had once dated briefly after his mother had pushed them together, although his interest was never very high. He admitted that she pushed for a sexual relationship, and in the end he allowed her to give him a BJ. The relationship petered out after that when he went over the road driving and stopped returning her calls. She wanted a home and family, and he just wasn't into it. Big deal. But this admission explained a lot. It seemed that she never received closure. I could understand that. I told him as much. However, how did this involve me? Why was I the one taking the brunt of her disappointment? Why was his mom involved?

Now, years after the fact, here we are. This person has been telling anyone who will listen that I've always disliked her because of their brief dating history. Easy enough to believe, had I known of it at the time. His mother is also spreading the lie. They are both in on it together. Why? What did I ever do to either of them?

This has also been the case with any female that has endeavored to couple with any of her boys. Not a single one stays in favor for very long. In the end, we all end up on the short end of the stick. I can understand and easily forgive the fact that she believes no one will ever be good enough for her boys, but this creates a trap for unsuspecting women who want to be with her sons. I had removed myself from this trap and was grateful for the reprieve when things crashed and burned between Todd and I, but because of the turn of events, here I am again. What a sticky situation. My gut instinct tells me to run far and fast, and to not make the mistake of looking back. Soddom and Gemorrah come to mind...and a pillar of salt I wish not to be...

I know that the place I have been moving steadily toward has been the right place all along. It is only the nay-saying of others that would have me believe different. There will always be those that operate from a place of fear and lack, and then there will be those that operate on the other end of the scale - from a place of unending love. While I am trying to stay on the latter end, it is difficult not to be tainted with the toxic poison of fear that runs through those we must deal with on a daily basis. How do we move past them? Let our cup runneth over...that is the instinctual answer that comes to mind...God speaking in me and to me. My gut tells me to flood them with love...but how to do that? Should I be literal in my loving actions, such as throwing my arms around them when they push me away? Should I force my love upon them if they profess they want nothing of it or me? or, should I step back and allow them space...and is that the same as giving them rope?...ahhh, the unending questions... to which there are undoubtedly unending answers...if only I can be still and listen...which is the very first task I must undertake with certainty.

A toast to stillness! Let it be the mantra I draw around me as a mantle against all fear, for I shall not run from such fear and have it chase me all to hell and back, but rather turn away from it as a choice...again and again. To love!

Here we go again...

Ok, people, here we go again. Just when I thought  I'd escaped the clutches of my evil ex-mother-in-law...now I'm in a relationship with her son again...and I can't seem to break freeeee....*gasp, choke...*

Is this never going to end? I thought my mom was bad...and that her getting old was the worst thing that could ever happen to our relationship. Until...that is...I noticed that Todd's mom and dad are starting to show the telltale signs of aging and all that comes with it...short memory, difficulty understanding the most basic of concepts, downright resistance to any form of change, negativity, sarcastic cutting little words and statements, sometimes dipped in sugar or smothered in honey, but still the same acid in their bite...being stubborn...grrrrr!!!! and even all this wouldn't matter so much if I didn't have to have a relationship with them...but damn it! here I am again...where I celebrated never having to be again...with shouts, dancing, a blood sacrifice...all those things that villagers once did when the volcano didn't spit fire and rain destruction down on their lives. It's like I want to run outside, shake my fist at the sky, and demand an explanation for this outrage!!


And yet...I know that I love them. Otherwise the things they say and do (and don't do) wouldn't hurt me...so this must mean that I carry some tender feelings for them. Just two three weeks ago, before Sharon went to visit her mother (who she hates for many of the same reasons, btw)...she stuck her nose in Todd's business with Luke about the trailer and forced us to drop everything to run up there and empty it out so he and his new girlfriend and her kids could move in, since they were being evicted from their apt. I was already frustrated with this meddling, but resolved to go up and move the items with as little chit chat as possible and get on our way. When we got there, she was inside the trailer, doing what we were there to do, packing and getting in the way. Before we could leave, she forced me into a discussion with her about what is going on with Todd and I, and her part in it. I wasn't ready for this, knowing we need someone there as a mediator...because she is famous for acting like she understands and everything is great, until you walk away, then it becomes something else all together...and she will hold it against you and make you pay...forever. This time was no different. 

I told her how I felt about her allowing her son to become an adulterer under her own roof, while he pushed me for a divorce...and how she sat at my house on Christmas while he was in her home with his mistress and pretended that everything was normal. Ugh. She had lots of apologies and excuses, but none where she accepted responsibility for allowing and encouraging him in his immoral and outrageous behavior, which hurt numerous people, me and my children included. Too much. The worst part of it died down when Matt showed up, and we concluded our talk not too long after, agreeing that getting together as a family with a spiritual counselor to guide us in forming healthy family communication bonds would be good for all of us. I even sent her a text a couple of hours later, apologizing for the hard moments and hoping that our future together would be brighter. She sent me back a very sweet text, saying she was sorry for so much she didn't understand, and that she was so fortunate to get this second chance with me. It was such a nice thing to hear, I saved it on my phone. Maybe to remember how it all was before she got a good chance to twist it and turn it into something else entirely.

I am undecided if this is a result of her aging process, or if there is something in her that is just dark and ugly. I really don't know. When I look at her, I see loneliness and unhappiness, not darker things...so it is really hard to tell. How can we truly ever know another person, really...? I learned this lesson much too well from her son...and knowing this...I think the answer is....only as well as they want you to...and that's that.

Ugh. Man, do I need some humor or what?! Anyone out there got any for me...? Please?

Sounds of Laughter

Ok, its been a really long time since my last entry, but there's been a heck of a lot of living done in the echo of silence that fell into the void...so here goes.

 I sit at the computer today, giving myself a much needed pedicure and listening to my girls laughing, roughhousing with each other like they haven't done since they were innocent children of 7 or 8. It melts my heart and then expands it so large it barely fits into my chest. Dani answered the house phone an hour or so ago and it was Jessie. He graduates his tech school the 29th of this month and comes home for two weeks before heading off to his new post at Moody AFB in Valdosta, GA. He is excited to come home, and sounds better each time I hear his voice. His eagerness to get home infects Dani and then Kat with joy and they throw insults back and forth like it is Christmas. It is like medicine for me, ridding me of dis-ease and filling me with an eager joy of my own. Jessie talks of wearing his dress blues to the high school to get the girls when he gets home, making such a show of it as he arrives early and requests a visitor pass from the office. I can feel the smile reach my eyes, and know if I looked in the mirror I would see undoubtedly see the sparkle that accompanies it.

I can't wait for Jessie to come home. I know that it will be good, but weird, for him, because he will be leaving again in two weeks for a strange place that will be home for 3 years. I hope this is an excuse for us to fly down and see him often. As much as I had hoped to have my sister in the same area to spend time with, she isn't responding to my emails. After our unfortunate last visit and my emergency flight home, I didn't think I would ever hear from her again. I kept up with my nephew Keith through FB and texting, but didn't hear from her. I just happened to be checking our email one day and she was on, so IMed her, telling her I missed her. She had Bobby call me a few minutes later when she responded that she missed me too and I didn't reply. I talked to them for about 5 minutes, with me on speaker phone so I could hear them both. She sounded surprised that Todd was back, and that I had been keeping up with Keith. I'd never lied to her, and I wasn't about to start now. Megan is pregnant with her first child. I had hoped to get to know the whole family so much better....after all this is my family, right? I have to just breathe and let go. Things will be what they are, unless they are not.

Jon has been back from his new job at Taco del Sol, which moved into the old Banque Club on Main on the 8th, the day after school started. He seems to like his job and is satisfied with his and Dani's purchase of the Honda. He and Dani stayed with friends night before last and came home after Jon's Griz hockey game and meeting. Dani quit Subway last week, and is taking a break between jobs to focus on school. Now that she has the modified schedule ok'ed by her rheumatologist and doesn't have to be at school until 9:45, she seems to have more energy and be in a better mood overall. Josh is still working at Safeway, although is trying his best to transfer up to Missoula. I didn't think Kat would be too happy about that, but she doesn't seem to mind. The two of them pull together, then move apart like the tide. I do what I can to be supportive.

I spent most of yesterday and today cleaning and winnowing my possessions down to only what is needed. There is so much more yet that I could get rid of, but with the truck being in Missoula until Todd returns from Wyoming with the boys,  that may have to wait. As I moved the bed to create more storage, I came across a journal that I hadn't seen for a while. I remembered it was given to me by Elizabeth, the sweet lady from church that waits endlessly for her ex-husband to return...that is a sad, tragic story...but I couldn't remember what I might have written in it. Only one way to find out, right...? So, of course I flipped it open and realized it journaled the weeks leading up to the divorce. There were grief-filled pages that detailed the journey I'd been through. Looking at it now transported me back to that place again, and when I'd finished reading it, I put it away, along with the memories that filled it. 

Not too terribly long after that, I posted a status update on FB that said 'I love my ex-husband. go figure.' Even after everything that has passed and all the truth that has come to light, go figure for sure...I have to speculate that my foray into myself and who I truly am in relation to nothing else but all of life may be at the heart of why I am at this place, and he is by my side. I still find I fear him, but that is natural, and I don't resent him for it. I try to lean into the things that scare me, and sometimes even give it a loving shove. I admit sometimes I have the 'what the hell' attitude, just begging for the worst that creation will throw my way. It is as a challenge, as there is where I shine. I can face the storms. I have fear, it is true. I quake to my marrow with the implications of horrors that must be faced, but tread into that valley of death I do, finding that my heart must be in my feet because they carry me ever forward in the service of love.

There are still days that I catch glimpses of myself and am in awe. What I am today is the distillation of who I was. I am a purer form of me. That is a glorious thing to behold. That doesn't mean that I don't have my flaws, but such mars make my cleaner facets shine with even more brilliance. I didn't truly have a solid sense of who I was (ever...I think), but facing my fears and leaning into them has really given me a good measure of Who I Am, and what the picture looks like of My Most Glorious Self. I am connecting with those around me. Not just people, but life in all forms, and I have come to experience what it is to be God, Creator/UnCreator, Seen/UnSeen. The things we create are magnificent to behold, and I can now see the reason for all that we once knew as 'bad' or 'wrong'. There is a reason for all, and all for a reason, and it is us. In the absence of that which 'is not', that which 'is', is not. I awake, and remember. And still...even with all of this, I have not yet been able to rid myself of humanity long enough to reconnect with our essence. I am irritated and saddened by a few individuals who claim to be Christians and display conduct toward one another most unbecoming of Christ. Ah...mirror, mirror on the wall, do I see Christ in me at all? 

I thought this as I sat in church today and played with the little black baby girl sitting with her daddy in front of me. She was the cutest thing I had ever seen, her little fro as soft as goose down. I encouraged Athena and Isyss, two little girls I watch in Shawna's day care on Fridays now, to share their toys with the little girl, whose name is Amy. Her smile is so big and genuine. Her daddy's name is David, and I noticed them walking over from Stonegate when I parked mom's car. I avoided taking the bike today because of the infernal 'Christians' I inevitably encounter. I met a few other people today, as I sat with Shawna's group, which included Olivia and her children, and I watched as they all played together and learned to experience one another and share. It is something that many adults have a hard time doing. We could learn a lot from children... ;)

Yeah...no. I'm calling bullshit.

5/8/2010

So, I realize its been a while and not much heard from me. Inside there has been chaos reigning, while on the outside I fight the battle of my life. Again, so much has changed in as little as a couple of months. If God were ever trying to underline the fact that nothing is permanent except change, He has certainly made his point with me.

Every day is a new day. Some days are better than others, but still one day at a time. Hell, sometimes its a moment by moment battle just to keep choosing to stay in the game. I had to seriously take a step back today and get a clearer perspective of my life and where its at....

So, I had this day-long regional Auxiliary meeting to attend yesterday. Somehow, some way, I was voted in as regional secretary almost 18 months ago. I am sure my efforts were well-meaning at the time, but my rollercoaster ride of a life during these months was ill-suited to serving a duty term in a volunteer group, no matter how good the intention. My heart and stomach clog my throat as I keep at it, hoping that I can stay on top of the requirements of the position long enough to finish my term without coming off as an incompetent placeholder. After all was said and done, I put together a pretty comprehensive set of simple tasks that will get both I and the organization where they need to be in the next two weeks to meet our next year's goals. It did feel good to be proactive and chase down what was needed, and to stick something out no matter the consequences. Its almost like I'm growing up, but not without the growing pains. Sometimes it smarts quick and deep then fades away, other times it is a dull and roaring ache that will not cease.

It is the same for advocating. I found during the meeting that Patient Advocates in the oncology program are sometimes called Nurse Navigators or Oncology Navigators. Interesting use of language. Navigating information and service channels to outfit patients with everything they need to go through a cancer experience, from testing and diagnosis to treatment and outpatient/inpatient continuum of care seems logical enough. I find that I care a great deal about those for whom I advocate. I've begun working with a lovely mother of four with muscular dystrophy who was recently served with a petition for divorce from her estranged husband. It feels really good to care and support her in gaining knowledge.

From May 12th...on to July:

I find that I am having a difficult time with this whole ex-husband coming back into my life thing. I went from hardly thinking of him at all, except fond memories of better times and the occasional dream/nightmare, to him coming back into almost every waking thought. It is not entirely unpleasant, but it is laced with a healthy dose of fear.

In the time since I learned why I divorced (around the 12th of May...after my last Census training in Missoula...and after spending two gloriously bittersweet nights with Todd...ugh...I am hopeless), it has been a stampede of emotions. What a huge fucking wake up call, to hear that the person you've loved more than life itself has abandoned you and the family for someone else. Even worse, someone who treated him like dirt the first time around by misrepresenting herself, then walked out on him and humiliated him by marrying another, while still claiming to love him deeply. To even share his company now is in violation of the vows she took with another...how can it be love? That isn't what you do when you love someone. Choosing to share your life with someone; walking through the trials by fire, and never letting go - no matter what comes....now that is true love. If you want to know what a tree of life bears, you have only to look at the fruit...


Learning about the affair, both while we were still outwardly happily married and living together, as well as after he moved out, but well before the divorce was forced upon me...well, it has been truly a test of the faith I have built in the months since his departure. The hardest part of finding it out was his deception and violation of my trust, but close on its heels was the pain I felt about his family's part in everything that happened. Excruciating. That family (I had loved so deeply I actually felt physical pain when things were tense between us) could openly deceive us all about the goings on with my own husband was beyond my comprehension. It was as if we were less than nothing...not worthy of consideration or loving kindness. We shared our lives with these people. It wasn't always easy, but we stayed honest and kept trying. Always trying. Although, admittedly with little positive result...but trying nonetheless.

The details of it all haunt me...the emails, phone calls, clandestine meetings, texts and pictures...the loving journal entries not directed at me...except mentions of how I was all wrong for him and she was all right...how I was the one in the way of their true love...which God had originally chosen and I was standing in the way of. Thoughts of them touching one another, sharing, being close and intimate in a way that was reserved exclusively for me through the vows we took. It is hard to put everything in its proper context to understand what is truly real in all this. It all haunts me...and may well for years to come. I have gaping wounds in my heart and soul...and the best I can hope for is minimal scarring.

Knowing now why it all happened the way it did does bring with it good. I can look at myself in the mirror, knowing that it was not some terminal flaw within me that pushed him out of our home; that it was something within him that was missing and out of place. I have learned it is okay to be a woman, but better yet, to fully embrace all that is feminine and make it mine. I love myself more than I did the day he left. I cry openly now, and laugh with abandon...feeling guilt over neither.

Not as it was...

Well now, the whole world has flipped around upside down and all is not as it was...

So much has changed in the three months that passed since the abrupt life change I experienced. I am now a divorced and single woman. Words I had once been afraid to utter aloud...and now I am finding fit me quite well. They evoke mental images of a strong and independent breed, capable of surviving anything life has to throw their way. I meet new people every day that reinforce all the good that life has to offer, and I am thankful that I ended up in this place, no matter what pain I had to go through to reach it.

Funny that my ex let it be known that he would come over to work on my motorcycle now that the season for riding is fast approaching. By the time he actually came over to do it, I had already been riding in the temporary balmy weather of two weeks ago. That day I was surprised to find him standing on the front porch...and not a little unsettled by the idea of his being on the property. I left him to do what he would, and caught up with him only momentarily while he finished up his work before jumping on the bike and riding off to meet my girlfriend Chas at the river.

Even stranger, he called me the next night and blew me away with what he had to say. I sat in stunned silence, unable to form complete thoughts or assemble them into recognizable speech. Once I believe I succumbed to a sob, but it was short lived. I couldn't believe what I was hearing. He was admitting that he rushed and pushed me into the divorce without knowing if it was the right thing...basically that he made a mistake...! What?! Wtf?! He went on to say that he'd tried to put me out of his mind and out of his life, but so far had been unsuccessful...to his consternation and confusion. He didn't sound like he knew for sure exactly what he wanted of me, and I grew more confused as I listened.

By the time our conversation was over, I was thoroughly dazed and confused. It sounded an awful lot like he made a mistake, but wasn't really sure...and now wanted to get back in touch with me, possibly even entangled in my life again, but without making any statements or commitments...and better yet, without breathing a single word of our exchanges to anyone around either of us. Sounds very risque and complicated to me...and not anywhere near what I want for my life. Sure, if I had it my way, I wouldn't be divorced at all....I would be happily married, as I was once before, and this would all be a distant nightmare I'd once had in another life. But, alas, this is the reality and the other is the dream...so, I am stuck with what is in front of me.

I am no longer the person I was...neither the happily married woman, nor the depressed and unsure individual that was my alter ego. I have shed both skins, and now wear something altogether new. I am not entirely happy with this new me, but I am a work in progress. I don't like that I still find some of my worth in the attention the opposite sex shows me, so that is definitely an area I have to work on. At this point, I have attracted the attentions of more than a handful of men, although every single one is a poor fit for me. One or two are not completely unattached...and those that are have other issues to contend with that supercede any relationship building efforts...and even if everything is right on track in those areas, still there has to be an element of attraction, which is harder to find and fit than one would think...ugh.

Well, I will keep moving forward, without putting any focus or energy into trying to replace the marriage that I so miss.......or to go back to something that never existed in the first place. One foot in front of the other, and a smile for the girl I see in the mirror...cuz she deserves kudos for making it through alive and kicking...and in pretty good shape. ;P

Ok, humor: There are days when I want to sit and sing the 'if you're angry and you know it, punch their face' song... -.-

Too Damn Depressing to Read

Today was the day. I went to the final decree hearing and was divorced @ 2pm today. It was a bittersweet experience, at best. I cried through the hearing, then while we waited for our copies. Then again when we went to sign the income tax refund paperwork. What a fucking mess I am today. Completely overwhelmed by the reality of it all. I cannot even conceive of a tomorrow, so I should just lay down and be surprised when it comes anyway.

One good thing did happen today. A random lady that was also divorcing today put her arm around me in an offer of comfort. She then asked if she could give me a hug (to which I, uncharacteristically, said yes) and then held my hand the entire time we waited for our paperwork to be finished. She then gave me a note with her name and phone number on it, saying I should call her later. As I waited outside the church for my bible study group to meet, I called her and we shared some of our pain. I then invited her to come to church with me if she wanted, and she actually said yes. I look forward to seeing her on Sunday, and feel blessed that I made a friend on one of the lowest days of my life. Her comfort made my pain a little less searing and allowed me to get through the rest of the day. Thank God I can now see the beauty in people, where before I would have regarded them with suspicion and wariness.

I don't want to think about what my life will be like without my best friend, my lover, and my fantasy of happily ever after. I want to just put all thoughts out of my mind and focus on absolutely nothing for a while so that I can heal from my wounds. Today the small patch of skin I had grown over my feelings was rudely ripped away, leaving me exposed and raw with emotion. It was awful. I need time, and yet cannot fast-forward myself to that place where everything is less painful.

Fuck it. I'm going to bed to slip into unconsciousness so that I don't have to feel any more for today....

Lessons Learned

Haven't blogged in a while. Suppose I should catch up with things...

Well, the divorce papers were filed last week. It was a tense afternoon, but I kept my shit together long enough to get it done. I spent the next few days getting my life back in order, then spent Friday at a friend's watching movies.

Saturday I received my final decree court date. January 28th. Less than ten days from now I will be divorced for the third time. It gave me pause to stop and reflect on where I am with all that.

In my heart and my mind, I have finally let Todd go. After talking to him at the courthouse, I realized he didn't leave because of anything I did. That was merely the excuse he used to get out the door. He left because he wanted to. He left because he never truly got to a place where he wanted to be here for more than a day at a time, and he was only saying what he needed to and going through the motions because it worked for the moment. I had to realize that he was never in a place where he knew himself well enough to know he couldn't truly be able to love another person for keeps, much less me. I had to stop thinking that I wasn't worthy of his love. That was what was killing me. I kept hanging on to all the things he had said to me over the years, convinced that just because he said the words and mimed the actions to go with them, that they were really true and couldn't just be taken back in an instant. That is like demanding that life be fair. It doesn't fit with reality.

Now that I have made that huge leap, I feel much better. The last two months have been agonizing and devastating. I haven't cried that many tears in the last 15 years put together. I hadn't even believed myself capable of such utter emotion, but there it was, and I couldn't escape it. So, I had to lean into it and just let it reign for as long as it needed to until it played out. It was the best thing I could have done. It has allowed me to come out the other side, shiny and clean with clear eyes like a newborn babe. Since the tears dried up, I have smiled and laughed with more joy than I have in a very long time. I find myself smiling for no reason at all....feeling more feminine....bustin a move to random music...singing along....and just finding joy in tiny everyday things. Everyone else is smiling more too when they see me...even strangers.

The only thing that didn't survive this trial by fire intact was my willingness to remain open to another such relationship. Surely, I am wide open now to love in many forms from family, friends, and even strangers, which is a great blessing. However, I feel myself shutting down in the presence of available men, unable to allow myself to be taken in by their charms, no matter how sincere and I back away at the slightest touch. I notice this withdrawing, and it bothers me. I pray it is a phase I must go through and that it doesn't last. I don't want to be cold and stubbornly independent, unable to give myself over to that kind of love for fear of becoming dependent on another. Ugh! What a way to end up..... 

Well, only time will tell. I am excited about school again, if not so much about the school work...lol. I look forward to beginning my Master's program in October, if for no other reason than to have my education done. The thought of being a licensed addictions counselor has crossed my mind a time or two, but I haven't pursued the idea. I finally finished the Conversations with God book. Damn, it was really good. Life changing, actually. So totally not what I expected, yet so very worth it. It is a recommended read for those who aren't religious, are agnostic, and even for the open atheists. I love how it incorporates physics, science, existential questions, unity, and the meaning and purpose of life into one book without going off the deep end.

Finally, I look forward to the weeks and months ahead. I am excited to see my sister again, whether it is back down in Louisiana or here in Montana. I don't relish the idea of spending the summer down there, since I love spring and summer here so much, but I would do it for her. I also look forward to riding my motorcycle when the weather warms up. I hope to hike, bike, swim, float, fish, hunt crystals, hot spring, and camp well into the fall. I am finally of an age where I have the self-esteem and confidence in my abilities to make the most of my joys and talents, and it feels exhilarating. I haven't felt this free in as long as I can remember, and I will be extra careful not to give it up as I have in the past or again make the mistake of trading it in for a false sense of security and belonging.

Cheers to lessons learned! Onward and upward!

Feathers in the Wind

Well, today was the day. I finally had enough tragedy and tears. Enough hurt and torment. Enough heartbreak and repentance. So, I gave up and gave in....

And now that I have, I've never felt better. More free. Closer to God and more myself than I have in years. I didn't think I could do it, but I guess you never can tell what you are capable of until someone pushes you to your limit. After numerous bullying and threatening texts, I had finally had enough, and I agreed to fill out and sign the divorce papers. It wasn't worth fighting to be with someone who was willing to lie and damage me and my family to get what they want.

I was disappointed and resentful at first that I was stuck, once again, with doing all the work in filing a divorce that I never wanted. But, that has been the role I've willingly accepted in our relationship all along, so I realized that in this it should be no different. I have worked and worked, from the day we met, to bring us together against insurmountable odds, and move us forward through a life fraught with obstacles that would crush a lesser person. There wasn't anything I didn't do for him, including encouraging him to think only of himself. I should regret that I did, but I don't and never will. Love means nothing until it is given away freely.

There were times along the way that I was convinced that he'd found someone else. Even if it were true, it wouldn't have mattered to me. I was willing to work through anything. In the end, I kept my dignity and never said those words to him. Instead, I let him go. I figured if there was someone else, then that is something that he will have to live with. The secrets he kept from me, and from himself, are a matter that is best left between him and God.

I am free to worship God in the way I was born to, and can now lay myself down at night in peace, knowing that I gave it my all, and forgave everything. All my regrets are gone, like feathers carried away in the wind.

A Whole Person

I tried desperately to sleep in today, and managed no more than 7:45. Crap. It would have been nice to lay around until 10...but that was not to be. Sooo....I got up, made coffee, and tried to watch The Goods. It was crap...mildy funny crap, but crap nonetheless. The kids eventually got up, then we spent  the day watching all the movies I rented again. When I had laid around long enough, and couldn't stand the smell of the kids burning garlic and steaks in the kitchen, I got my snow boots on and dressed for a walk with Gabby.

Because of the cold snap, I hadn't been walking in a couple of days, and it felt long overdue. Before I had made it a full block, I was starting to get warm enough in my jacket to sweat. By about four blocks, I took the jacket off and slung it over my shoulder. Gabby was ready and excited to get to the park, as it signals at least a half hour of freedom and exploring for her away from the prison of home and her fenced-in yard.

As I came down the hill into the park, there were a couple of other people there with their dogs. As I passed an older gentleman with a dog about the size and shape of Gabby, I looked up to say hello and realized I knew him. His name is Mike, and he lives in the same apartments where James lives. He had signed up to ride the Maulers bus with me and Todd to a couple of hockey games back in November. As we talked on the bus, he had offered to pay me to come over and show him how to use his computer to send pics over the internet, and I had even taken some of our yard eggs and left them on his doorstep a couple of times when I went to visit James. When we realized we knew each other, we both stopped and gave one another a hug. He told me he had just today adopted the dog he had, and hadn't even given him a name yet. It was nice to run into someone I knew and had liked so much. We talked about his computer, the weather, movies, and hiking. Before I left him to hit the trail, I gave him my number and asked him to call me about the computer, and he said he would.

It felt really good to stretch my legs. The only thing I don't like about winter is all the time spent inside because of the weather. Cabin fever sets in after just a few days, so you can imagine what it's like after a few weeks. To break up the boredom, I like to drive up to the places I usually only hike in the spring and summer, like Roaring Lion. It seems like it would be treacherous in this weather, but the footfalls of others before me are pretty clear on the trail, which makes the going much easier. Besides, there is this hush in a forest covered in snow that can't be found anywhere else. The quiet is so pure, and even the sound of snow falling from branches overhead is muffled and muted. Still, I look forward to the budding of spring. I can't wait to get back outdoors again, hiking the mountains and floating the river. I think this is the year that I will spend more time in the outdoors than I will indoors.

Nothing has brought me peace in my times of struggle over the last couple of months more than walking. While I was in rehab, I walked the quarter-mile track out back, and took in the mountains, stars, and a grand view of Our Lady of the Rockies. When I got home, I started walking across town, and have now taken to going to the trails along the river. It has become a form of meditation for me, and easily allows me to sort through my thoughts and put them aside for a while as I listen, touch, smell, and see the glorious world of creation around me. Feeling the growing strength in my legs, and the balance in my feet and ankles is a joy without compare. After the years spent not walking and in constant pain after my accident and surgeries, I am so thankful that I can walk pain-free again. This is the first time in years I have felt like a whole person, and I thank God every moment of every day.

Memorable movie line of the day:

"I'm gonna punch you in the ovary, that's what I'm gonna do. A straight shot. Right to the babymaker." (Will Ferrell, Anchorman)

What Dreams May Come

Last night was Chicago and Moulin Rouge, with steaks, mushrooms, and asparagus. I needed the uplifting music, as well as the heart-rending and ironic tragedy of both stories to ground me. Tonight was more steak, but the movies were Cloudy with a Chance of Meatballs, Final Destination 4(5?), Ice Age 3, 100 Feet, and The Goods. This night was more of a mix of comedy and horror just to keep my mind occupied....

Today was quieter without my dreaded phone, but no easier. It is tragic, but I admit I missed the communication, even if it was fucked up, one-sided communication that ate me up inside like acid. In spite of the epic internal struggle going on right now, I am learning to find peace and stillness in the hardest of moments. Without such trying difficulties, I might not have experienced the very thing that I was so restless for all along, which was a return to my purest self. A reconnecting with my spirit...my very soul.

When I first ventured into the wilds of Montana in July of 1996, I had a bright and clear dream of settling on a piece of property facing the mountains, and building the kids and I a permanent home (in the beginning, I fantasized of a log home). My dreams were no more complicated than that, with the exception of wanting a 4-wheel drive vehicle to maintain our independence. As time went by, I was fortunate enough to scratch and scrape that dream into a reality, all the while learning that having my family with me was the most important dream I could have, and that nothing else really mattered. It is love and the strength of family bonds that keeps me moving forward in the face of seemingly impossible odds. All that I am, and all that I have, is because of their love for me, and mine for them.

Speaking of family, I sent a couple of emails to my sis today, and heard back that she has put her house up on Craigslist and already gotten an email of interest. She says that if she sells before Bobby returns back home, she will fly me down, we will pack up everything and bring it up, then she will call Bobby and tell him their new address. She cracks me up. I am so excited to have her moving here. I cannot wait for her to get here....

I often wonder what direction God will lead me in; what dreams He will fill me with next. I am excited to start moving forward, but still pray daily for the one I love most.

I Create

I got this message today:

On this day of your life, Susan, I believe God wants you to know...  
...that tomorrow is the most important day of your life.

Your greatest moment, your greatest achievement, your
greatest adventure lies in the future, never in the past.
There is a new you waiting to be created tomorrow.
That is the joy and wonder of the dawn. That is the
excitement of it!

Forget about yesterday! What is the grandest version
of the greatest vision ever you held about Who You
Are going to be tomorrow? That is the only question
that matters.

and this is what I thought about what the Creator had to say to me:

The grandest vision of Who I Really Am.....

This really makes me think. I am not sure I have that much thought directed toward the future. At least not as much thought as I could have, had I known that my thoughts alone could manifest themselves. Too much time has been spent rehashing the past, trying to figure out what I did wrong and coming up with ways to keep from making the same mistakes. Had I to measure the ratio, it would look something like 80/20...with 80% of my thought focused toward the past. Man, that's a lot of focus directed backward, so it's probably no wonder I stumble as often as I do, seeing as how I can't see what's in front of me. Hmmmm....

20%. How can I possibly think that I can create the grandest vision of Who I Really Am if I can't commit all of myself toward that vision? I admit it is hard to focus only forward. So much of who we are is tied up in our experiences of the past. Without them, we wouldn't be who we are. But maybe that is the point. Maybe we don't want to be who we are right now, but who we envision ourselves to be. Hmmm....yes. The logic seems sound. Now to impliment it....

My Gabby Girl!!

I had just brought this bit of cuteness home days before...what was I thinkin?

Gabbers and Sylvester, duking it out in the back yard...ha ha....good times.

She's startin to get big and sassy, you can see it in the tilt of her ears and curl of her tail already!!

Taking Some Time Off

Ugh!!!!! Man, today was tough, and I have a raging headache moving steadily into a migraine to prove it. While the day was tough, tonight was tougher, and the tears poured pretty steady as I tried to work my way back from the brink. Anyone would think I'd have tapped myself out in the tears department by now, as surely the well must be almost dry.

Obviously not....   -.-     hmmm....

Ok, I am definitely turning my phone off for the next 7 days. I simply cannot be ruled by an infernal piece of technology such as this...which seems to manipulate my internal workings with the ease that a remote changes channels. Damn it all to hell, anways!!

Now that I have that out of my system, I hope to feel better. I want to spend the next 7 days focusing on me, the kids, my mom, my sister, Gabbers, my life, happiness, joy, love, peace, stillness, my connection to the One...and all that jazz. Cool beans. Now, if I can just DO that, all will be hellacious.

Weeeelllll...at least one good thing happened today. I got my Yota back!!!! and she is runningly fabulously to boot. It is so weird having a working clutch, and I am still trying to get used to it. I have jumped out of parking spaces and into traffic all day...ha ha ha....which probably makes me look like a teenager that just got her license...but who cares?! I love, love, love my truck! and I am soooo happy to have her back. She takes such good care of me...lol. They even fixed the busted bolts on my exhaust manifold, so she is purring like a kitten again. Now, if I could only get out that smell of carb and break cleaner that permeated the inside of the truck as they worked on my clutch...but it isn't too bad really, and serves to remind me of how lucky I am to have her back in working condition. Now that I think about it, it does make me wonder if the chemical fumes haven't added to my growing headache, tho...ooooh well, such is life.

I wanted to get a walk in today, but there was a dusting of snow on the ground early this morning. Not that such a small thing would stop me, but the temp was 14 with a wind chill factor of 4, so I opted out. The long walk to the park in the wind actually freezes my skin through my pants and leaves my face raw and burned, so I went without today. I am hoping that temps climb up a little tomorrow, or that the wind dies down. Gabby was bummed about not getting out, but she has been riding shotgun to school in the morning, so she's not cut off from freedom completely. Speaking of her, I gotta get some pics of her as a pup posted on here so the world can see the cuteness I'm talking about. She is absolutely irresistable, except when she isn't...ha ha.

I was to have dinner with Elizabeth tonight, but met with Max instead. I did get to sit with her and Glenna afterward during services, so I was thankful for that. As I showed up with my tear-stained face, they reached out to guide me to a seat between them, which they had saved. After sitting down and giving Glenna a hug, I put one of my hands into each of theirs and we said a prayer together. We heard tonight the young couple that announced they were pregnant on Sunday went to the doctor today and couldn't find the baby's heartbeat. They will return to the doctor in a few days to check again, so we all gathered together to pray for them and the baby. I don't know why I was surprised that there were so many men openly crying in grief. I guess it is the stereotype I was raised with...and am working hard to get over.

I would just love to get back to my life, whatever that means, or is. I want to start writing stories again, but can't for the life of me figure out about what. I need some creative juices to start flowing, and am starting to visualize stabbing myself with a sharp straw like the kind you use to puncture Capri Sun bags...lol. Maybe I want to write about horror and psychological thrills....like Dean Koontz. I think the story he wrote about the omnipresent primordial ooze was pretty killer. Damn if I can remember the name of that book....? I am still searching for the title. I also liked his rendition of the the rapture or second coming, called The Taking....good stuff, right there. I could easily dive off that deep end. ;D

As I look around me, I see lives changing. I know that most of us are growing, if for no other reason than pain is involved. Growth rarely happens without pain. Ahhh, but to numb the pain would be wonderful, but I have spent too many moments of my life doing that and now cannot slip into that once-sweet oblivion without being hyper-aware of my obvious subterfuge. I guess the ruse is up....and good riddance.

Until next time...

Slings and Arrows

If it can be imagined, today was varying degrees of worse than yesterday. Love is the only reason for our very existence and well worth the slings and arrows that find purchase in the heart...

My phone has become an unspeakable instrument of evil, capable of indescribable torment. I cringe every time it chirps or chimes, expecting the worst. My heart jumps into my throat and I am unable to breathe as I anticipate the message it will deliver. Why do I feel so threatened by an inanimate object...?

I did not walk today, although I probably should have. I woke in a sweat this morning, stumbling from bed in a disoriented daze from tormented dreams, realizing my alarm never went off. I knew that I would be heading to the hospital not long after taking the girls to school, so I sat down and got right to work on my discussion questions for school instead of taking Gabby for our morning jaunt to the river.

Everything seemed out of sorts today. The lady who comes in the afternoon to relieve me at the gift shop didn't show today, which was unusual. She is a vivacious and robust woman with a cloud of hair tinted the color of her name, Rusty, which I find rather appropriate. Each of these ladies has a life story that is absolutely fascinating and filled with romance and intrigue. This lady in particular is the proud owner of a mint-condition 1971 Ford Mustang, which she bought brand new from the dealer for $1700 back in the day. All I could say is, Wow!, could you leave me in the will?....ha ha. Anyway, the cafeteria was having taco Tuesday, so I skipped lunch and headed straight home instead.

While I waited at school for the girls to get out, I called Tina to see if she was going to fly me down to see her next week. She said she checked and found out she didn't have enough miles to go around once she flew herself and Beau up next month, so she needed to save them. I was bummed, since I could use some time away from everything going on here, but I totally understood. She and I are alike in our penchant for always erring on the side of common sense. In essence, I knew I would just be running away and putting off the inevitable. What the inevitable is at this point, I don't know, but I don't relish finding out. I simply cannot force myself to do something that feels so wrong and alien to me, and yet I understand when he says I didn't have a problem making such a choice months ago. I am not sure I agree that they are on the same level of decision or consequence, but in his mind they must be, or we would not be at this impasse. Had I known what was at stake and how easily it would be lost, I would never have wagered it in a million years. To think of all I have thrown away with both hands without ever realizing the severity and gravity of it all....especially since if the situation were reversed, I would forgive the transgression without another thought.

I look forward to meeting Elizabeth tomorrow for lunch. It is my hope that her calm and quiet demeanor rub off on me over time. I know that she suffers from heartache and is having a hard time moving on after her husband abandoned and divorced her two years ago. She takes refuge in her job teaching at a Christian academy, but suffers from migraines. I empathize with what she must surely be enduring, and hope that my friendship brings her out of her shell a bit. I also got a much needed text from Glenna this morning, shoring me up with her prayer for me as I moved through the trials of my day. She is a true blessing, and seems to intuit when I need a morale boost. I was so glad it was her texting me that I almost fainted with relief....lol.

Well, I guess it's off to bed soon. I am 2/3rds of the way through the 'Conversations with God: An Uncommon Dialogue' book. I talked to my counselor, Rich, about it today. He most probably only thought I was slightly loony, but that's okay. I told him that it really fits in with the core beliefs I've remembered since birth. He tried to challenge me on some aspects of it, but I didn't go for it. I have no need to debate the Oneness of it All.... The only need I have is to be aware of it  and experience it for what it is, and for what I am. It is the first time in forever that I have been able to let go of doubt and insecurity and leave my fear of death behind...and that is something that I can fully embrace without regret.

Peace and love to all!

The Unbeaten Path

Boy, I really struggled to make it through today. I can't get over that anxious feeling every time my phone goes off and I get a text. Man, it sucks to feel so tingly, dizzy and like I wanna puke, and it takes so long to wear off. Who knew emotional triggers like this could have such a physical affect on me...?

I started out my day by going for my usual walk early this morning as the sun came up over the moutains. I slowed down a bit when I got on the path to the river through the tall grass, and noticed another small trail that led off toward an unfamiliar stand of trees. I decided to be adventurous and take the path less traveled, and was rewarded for my effort. A ring of dead limbs and salvage wood had been piled in a circle around a large low-hanging limb, and there was a teepee of sorts formed undeneath. It was really cool looking, so of course I climbed inside to scope it out. It was big enough for me and Gabby to sit comfortably, or big enough for me to curl up inside by myself, and it had plenty of cushion underneath with all the leaf debris scattered throughout. I daydreamed of this scenario for a few minutes, imaging myself there on a cold fall night, wrapped in my favorite poodle blanket (a throw blanket at home that I love, love, love) with the stars shining bright in the inky sky overhead. It was very relaxing, this daydream, and I wondered how long it would take me to grow cold and stiff lying on the ground. Even knowing that was a possibility, I was very seduced by the idea and actually considered bringing my blanket another time to do just that. There was also an old metal barrel placed close by that had obviously been a burn barrel for heat. I became more enchanted with the spot by the moment, and even felt drowsy as I thought about it, although it was much too close to the heavily traveled trail to suit me. It would be my luck someone would happen upon me while I slept or see the smoke or light from the fire at night, and what with it being within a city park, well...I didn't see it turning out well for me, or at the very least not being the comforting oasis I imagined it to be, so eventually I moved on down the trail.

It is always easy for me to forget about the struggles of everyday life for a while as I get away from civilization. There isn't anything about the outdoors that I hate, or that stress me, so it is very much a spiritual experience for me. When I stop and feel the stillness, I can step into the hum and vibration of just being alive. I never underestimate how I can feel so disconnected and dead when I am in the middle of town, yet feel so connected, energized, and alive when I seek the stillness of the outdoors. This is why I am glad that I walk alone, because if someone were with me (besides Gabby) then they would feel the need to fill the silence with inane chatter, and how loving and kind would it be to tell them to just shut the hell up...? Well, let's never find out....

Classes start back for me tomorrow. I am kind of excited, since I got a head start on my final project that isn't due until week after next. I hope to get some research and studying done tomorrow when I put in my volunteer time at the hospital. I am looking forward to getting back to the group of kind ladies there, but also a bit nervous since they are always so curious. I still haven't mastered the art of small talk or chatter yet, and am not sure I ever will. I would just be happy with finding a comfortable middle ground, where I can be positive and caring, without ever having to say trite things I don't mean just to be polite. It is something I find I have to work on every day. At this point, I just sit and listen most of the time, without offering to say anything unless I have something worthwhile to contribute. I guess this means I am silent more often than not, but I am learning to be okay with that.

My sister is talking about flying me down to see her in Louisiana again for a week. I love talking to her and spending time with her, so it would be a blessing. The only thing I don't like is having to leave mom and the kids again, since things go much smoother with me here. I also talked to Susan this morning. She went through two weeks of chemo and steriods before Christmas and is really feeling it now that she's back home. It sounds like things are tough for her and Greg as well. The situation she is going through with the MS seems to be giving her the fuel she needs to reprioritize her life, and I think she may actually be on the verge of finally moving up here. It would be wonderful to have both my sister and my best friend so close to me. I could use more women in my life that I could connect with on a daily basis, which I never realized, or could admit, was so important to me.

The clutch for my truck should be in tomorrow, so maybe they will get to work on it right away and I might have it back by the weekend. I can hope, right? Having the truck to transport the shower materials is the only thing holding up my bathroom project. I know the kids are impatient to have our bathroom back in working order, and I second that. Besides, it would give me a dedicated job to focus on instead of some of the less constructive things that have been on my mind lately. I think of my husband almost every waking moment of every day, and many of my sleeping ones. I miss him in so many ways, but try not to dwell too long on thoughts of him or I end up feeling bleak and hopeless. I try to focus on the positive, and remember it is during the rough times when I am in doubt that I must pray the hardest, so I do just that.

So, it's off to bed I go, to end my day in thankful prayer and turn over my worries to the only One that is infinitely larger and more capable than myself.

I Am Listening

Right away this morning I started to feel anxious, which wasn't a surprise when I got a text I didn't know how to answer. For once, I was at a loss and didn't know what to say, so I said nothing. What I needed was time in prayer and thoughtful contemplation, and it wasn't to be found feeling boxed inside of four walls.

After spending some time in Romans and Ephesians, as well as in the Conversations with God text, I dressed warm and headed out to the river with Gabby. I really needed to feel the cold air on my face, to see the winter colors, and feel the hum of the biggest trees I could find. When we got there I noticed that many people had the same idea today, and were getting out with their four-legged family members. I met a lady on the trail that asked me where the trails led to, and she wanted to know the one I liked the most. Over the hill and through the woods of course, was my answer, and we both laughed.

The path Gabby and I like the best is the one that leads us far and away. We head back to the open glade where we find our trees. She loves to climb the low-hanging limbs, and I even got her to sit still for a pic with my phone today. She is such a cutie, looking all regal and important on her branch as she sniffs at the wind in her face. I walked around and around the limbs, touching all the silky, worn wood from so many hands and feet, and traced my fingers over the carvings of names and initials. The vibrations given off were truly incredible, and that's when I realized that there is nothing in this world that is dead or without life. I am finally starting to understand the concepts in the text, and am beginning to see all of creation with new eyes and a yielding heart. It is in our belief of separation from the One that we falter.

I talked to Tina today. She texted to ask me if there were any private Christian schools here. I had to laugh. Of course there are, silly. I asked what was wrong with public schools, and she turned it around and asked what was wrong with Christian schools. Naturally nothing, I said, other than having to pay the tuition. She said it's better than paying for daycare, which made me ask why she would put Beau there with all the female family members under this roof to care for him. I took it that her family at home had no time or inclination to keep him, but that certainly isn't the case here. Besides, we are family, and family cares for one another, right? I gave her the website address for the Chamber of Commerce here, and walked her through all the tabs over the phone. I was surprised at the amount of information available through the site. Impressive. I can't wait for her to get here. I am not as lonely as I once was, but it will be so good to have more family near me. I am really excited.

I am happy to say that I am not the person I once was, and that I am making a new reality for myself every day. Heck, every moment is new. Breaking old habits grows easier by the day, and I am hyper-aware of when I falter. I can actually feel a very physical reaction within me, and it is like being scalded with hot water from the inside, which tries to escape through my head, hands, and feet. When it comes upon me, I do my best to shake it off and examine where it most likely originated in me. I used to be able to ignore the signals my body sent me, but I am no longer capable of living in that state of dullness and forgetfulness. While I was on this path some time ago, I know that I have him to thank for shaking things up for me; for being my catalyst. Without his abandonment of me, I wouldn't have been able to hit bottom and become totally bankrupt. The worst thing that could have happened to me is responsible for the best thing that has ever happened to me. Strange how that works. I am finally able to take a deep breath without fear, knowing that my own happiness can only come from inside me, and that I no longer have to chase things outside myself or need others to feel joy. What an incredible gift.

The changes in me are unreal. I have deleted my FB page, terminated my Yahoo mail, and refocused my energies into the flesh and blood people around me. I have gotten out of my self-imposed isolation, and reached out to people I once thought of as unapproachable strangers. No longer do I sit for hours in front of the computer. Blogging here is serving as my creative outlet, since I am a writer by nature. Other than this blog, I spend all my time on the computer working on school projects. I spend no more than two hours a day studying, compared to the numerous hours I used to spend in this chair. Now that things are back in control and headed where they need to be, I have decided to continue my education through to my Master's. Why not? This is something God says to me every day...and reminds me that it is He that set me on this path from the beginning, although I didn't always take it as seriously as I do now. Why not, indeed. I have come this far, so why not go all the way... Finally, I am listening.

Awakening

As I walk through the house tonight, I love the feel of it. The rain from earlier this evening glistens on the kitchen window and the furniture being rearranged feels more comfortable, like it just flows better. Now there is room for 6 or 7 people instead of just 4 or 5, which makes hanging with family and friends to watch TV much easier on all of us. Although there is an ocassional flare-up of tension, things run much smoother than they ever have before, and I am very grateful for that.

As I came to the room, I thought about taking a shower. It is an inconvenience to take our showers in mom's room, and it serves to remind me that I need the bath materials from the building center to complete my work. I have found a smaller tub, complete with surround for as little as $200, but it would mean having to replace a section of laminate flooring in the bathroom, and I don't know yet that I want to commit to doing that. Otherwise, I can buy only the surround, but the dimensions are not correct, nor is the color. Well, I'm sure the answer will come to me by the time my truck gets its new clutch, as I will need a truck to pick up any materials that I must buy. Sooo....I guess that takes care of that annoyance for a while longer....lol.

Speaking of shower, I caught myself thinking about the fact that all my PJ's are dirty, and I don't have anything to sleep in. Hmmm...sounds so strange saying that, considering I've never worn anything to bed in all my adult years. To do so now is a direct result of perceived vulnerability. I have been yanked from the bosom of sleep to nightmare scenarios too many times in the past, having someone wake me from a dead sleep to blare light in my eyes and drop bombs on me. Also, now that there is not a man in the house to shelter and protect us, I have taken to sleeping with my 9mm next to the bed, knowing that should I awaken and there is reason to fear, I will be totally prepared to face it head-on. The last thing I want to be is vulnerable.

I finished filling out my FAFSA paperwork for the upcoming school year. I thought as I did so that it would be hard for him to do the same without our tax information, and it made me wonder if he will keep in contact with me - if for no other reason than taking care of business. There are so many areas of our lives that are tangled and intertwined, which don't reveal themselves until they must be sorted out. Only God knows why I still carry such hope in me, but I never stop being grateful that I do. Some days are easier than others, but everyday is hard.

As I walked Gabby down to the river today, I thought about my life and where it is headed. I have been lost and confused for so long, totally without a clear direction. As I walked among the aspens and cottonwoods, I stopped to put my arms around a rather large one. I felt the energy from it, and all living things, humming in my blood. At that moment, I looked to the sky and told God that my life is His, to do with as he wishes. All I asked for was direction, some kind of assurance that I am doing as He wills. I didn't figure that was too much to ask for...  There was a feeling of calm and peace that settled over me, nothing huge, just a small serenity in a sea of orchestrated chaos. Man, it felt good.

So, I start volunteering back at the hospital next week. I wasn't sure I was ready, but I guess He knew what was best for me. I can't argue with that. Just say 'yes' he says.... reminds me of that Jim Carrey movie Yes, Man!. As to all the other decisions that must be made, well, I will have to rely more heavily on prayer. I will have to ask the questions that need to be asked, offer all of me, and hope that I can listen for His answers with my heart instead of my mind.

Speaking of heart, I came across an old CD of pics from when we first moved to this house. OMG, Gabby was just a round ball of fur...and SO cute! Then there were pics of Todd on the backhoe, Todd and I and the kids at our wedding in Salmon, and mom and the kids (and even Buddy...the new one, not the old one...and Sylvester...*sniff*) working on the septic we put in. Man, those were some busy times for us all. We pulled together and worked out butts off to get this place to where it is now. I am so proud of what we've accomplished. I love my family so very much!

Until next time... ;P

The First Day of the New Year

Ahhh....today is the first day of the new year. This isn't exactly how I pictured starting out the year...but I will just have to work with it.

I finally finished my financial stuff for school and have that out of the way. I am hoping that it will pay the bills for the next few months while I figure out what to do with myself. Until then, I will just have to wing it. In turning my life over to God, only He can know what it is that I need to do from here on out. I am kind of eager to find out what He has in store for me.

The new year service at the church was really good. There was music and singing for hours, with lots of testimonials in between. It was really good to hear the stories of others, which brought me a lot closer to them, and to God. I listened to Jackie's parents tell of their hard times, how they had separated after he returned from tours in Iraq, and how they didn't know what was going to happen to them. Her dad was filled with anger and didn't know why, and her mother was distraught and didn't know what else to do but leave. Their story really struck a chord in me, and gave me hope. As I listened, I cried without really knowing why. I wasn't sad, and couldn't find any particular thing that forced my tears. As their story finished, Jackie came to sit next to me, offering me a hug and her closeness. She is such a sweet girl. Glenna had asked me to sit next to her and her husband Dave during the service, so I also got to sit next to Laura (her husband is Greg, from the couples class?) who is a very talented singer/songwriter that I really enjoyed listening to. I heard tell that she has a CD out, which I would love to find.

When the service was over, Jacob's wife (I can't remember her name, either, but she also has a lovely singing voice while her husband plays the guitar) came to sit with Jackie and I, offering her fellowship. She asked if there was anything that I needed her to pray for me, and I told her that while things were a struggle for me, that I was more concerned about Todd than myself. I know that things are hard for me, but I cannot imagine how hard they must be for him. He seems to be alone in this situation, where I have family and a growing body of friends. I can get through anything right now, knowing that Christ strengthens me. But where does this leave him?

The passages that were read during testimonies were very touching, but one spoke directly to me. It was a line from a book that one of the men had read, saying that all that was required was to 'show up.' While we always know the spirit is strong, the flesh is weak and often unwilling. The crux of that situation lies in merely 'showing up' physically and mentally, so that the spirit can take over. Jacob's wife said she also struggles with making her body and mind be willing to come and do, so I offered to pray for her. I know what it is like to stop and take inventory before committing to something, which often leads us to deciding not to move forward as we should. I asked that she do the same for me, since I struggle with not wanting to go and do as I should, as well.

So, I made it home in time to break things up between the girls. I don't understand why everything always has to be a battle between them. All they have to do is be in one another's presence and they are ready to maim each other. Once that was quieted down, I read more in my new book, then decided I was plenty tired enough to go to bed. Dani and Jac stayed up until at least 6 this morning, then I heard Jac talking to her dad on the phone around 8:30, and not sounding happy. I guessed he wanted her to get back home so they could get going back to Utah, and I was right. I drove her back to the old house by myself, talking to her about things along the way. I told her that she could come and stay with us as long as she liked, if her dad would ever consent. She said since her dad was still single and creepin on me now that he knows Todd and I have split, that I should mention it to him, so I did. He didn't seem unpleased with the idea, so maybe after the quarter is over on the 15th, he will let her come back and stay with us. For Dani's sake, I hope he does.

Weird that I got a text from Alex last night, telling me happy new year and that he still loves me. This morning, I got a text from Chas as well. I hope to get together with her sometime today or tomorrow and hang out with her and Cole for a while. She told me Michael got arrested the other day for fighting, and I know that she's bummed about that. Jessie got back from MEPS day before yesterday, stressing about whether he passed the drug test they gave him, since he was hanging out at Saul's the day before he left. I hope they give him the results soon so he doesn't have to stress any more. I am proud of him for having taken this big step, and I hope it all works out for him the way he wants. He scored an 89 on his testing, with an overall of 76, which is really good. I pray that it all comes together for him.

Well, I guess it's time to get on with the rest of my day. Gabby is impatient to get down to the river for her romp, so I'm outta here......

In Search Of

Hmmm...What am I in search of?

God in me...God in others...the answers to the questions posed by my ever-changing situation? I'm not really sure, but I guess when I find what I am in search of, I will know it.

So, I did what I had to the other day. I shared the things that had burdened me for so long, and accepted responsibility for decisions and my actions. I felt better, and worse, all at the same time. I knew that what I had to say didn't make me a bad person, but my mind understood the implications...and that I would think of myself differently because of what I knew. Well, it is what it is. I did not offer explanations, but simply stated the facts and then sat in silence and waited.

What I got in return was divorce papers. I was not surprised. I had spent many hours that morning, and the night before, in prayer on the subject. I had asked God for the strength and courage to face what I knew was coming, and to put aside my own hurt and pain so that I could see his instead. I knew that it had taken a great deal of effort, both to pick the papers up, and to fill out what he had. He had sounded really vexed and determined to forge ahead on the phone the day before as he filled them out, despite his deeper feelings, which I believe he has been pushing away as they arise. I can only imagine the loneliness he must feel, having to cut himself off from the rest of the world as he maintains this stoicism.

Regardless, when he pressed me to show up at the bank the next morning with my portion filled out to sign the papers in front of a notary, I listened but did not immediately respond. When he finally fell silent, I told him that I didn't mean to sound stubborn or willful, but that I needed to spend time in prayer about it. I also told him that while I wasn't trying to put him off, I was not ready to commit to such a life-altering decision, and that I would get back to him on it. He tried to push by saying he would text me about it the next day, but I told him that he shouldn't think that I would be ready that soon, and that I would keep in touch. Before he left, he asked for his leather-bound Bible, which I had packed into his boxes weeks ago. I told him as much, but encouraged him to look in our room, our closet, and the coat room shelves to make absolutely certain. Maybe I didn't need to say it, but I told him that I would never throw anything of his away, much less something so important. He assured me he knew that, but I had heard similar assurances of his understanding in the not-so-distant past, and cannot be certain that was the case.

Maybe what I am looking for is certainty. Maybe I am also still looking for the stillness I have been cultivating over the last few weeks. I bought a new book yesterday, called Conversations with God. It isn't what I thought it would be, for sure. Somehow, it is much deeper...and I will have to spend much time with it over the next weeks, hoping it will answer some of my harder questions.

Tonight, there is a New Year service at the church and I am of a mind to go. I do enjoy the people there, and feel closer to Christ than at almost any other time, so I should probably get my butt moving. I know they are eating first, so I may yet wait a little longer since I just made Mom and the kids some fried chicken and mac and cheese. I am soooo stuffed! It makes moving hard, but nothing good ever comes easy... ;)

Ok, now that I've gotten over the roughest patch to date...and it was REALLY rough, I should start practicing my humor again....so here goes:

When I finally get a grip on reality, I'm gonna choke it to death!