Right away this morning I started to feel anxious, which wasn't a surprise when I got a text I didn't know how to answer. For once, I was at a loss and didn't know what to say, so I said nothing. What I needed was time in prayer and thoughtful contemplation, and it wasn't to be found feeling boxed inside of four walls.
After spending some time in Romans and Ephesians, as well as in the Conversations with God text, I dressed warm and headed out to the river with Gabby. I really needed to feel the cold air on my face, to see the winter colors, and feel the hum of the biggest trees I could find. When we got there I noticed that many people had the same idea today, and were getting out with their four-legged family members. I met a lady on the trail that asked me where the trails led to, and she wanted to know the one I liked the most. Over the hill and through the woods of course, was my answer, and we both laughed.
The path Gabby and I like the best is the one that leads us far and away. We head back to the open glade where we find our trees. She loves to climb the low-hanging limbs, and I even got her to sit still for a pic with my phone today. She is such a cutie, looking all regal and important on her branch as she sniffs at the wind in her face. I walked around and around the limbs, touching all the silky, worn wood from so many hands and feet, and traced my fingers over the carvings of names and initials. The vibrations given off were truly incredible, and that's when I realized that there is nothing in this world that is dead or without life. I am finally starting to understand the concepts in the text, and am beginning to see all of creation with new eyes and a yielding heart. It is in our belief of separation from the One that we falter.
I talked to Tina today. She texted to ask me if there were any private Christian schools here. I had to laugh. Of course there are, silly. I asked what was wrong with public schools, and she turned it around and asked what was wrong with Christian schools. Naturally nothing, I said, other than having to pay the tuition. She said it's better than paying for daycare, which made me ask why she would put Beau there with all the female family members under this roof to care for him. I took it that her family at home had no time or inclination to keep him, but that certainly isn't the case here. Besides, we are family, and family cares for one another, right? I gave her the website address for the Chamber of Commerce here, and walked her through all the tabs over the phone. I was surprised at the amount of information available through the site. Impressive. I can't wait for her to get here. I am not as lonely as I once was, but it will be so good to have more family near me. I am really excited.
I am happy to say that I am not the person I once was, and that I am making a new reality for myself every day. Heck, every moment is new. Breaking old habits grows easier by the day, and I am hyper-aware of when I falter. I can actually feel a very physical reaction within me, and it is like being scalded with hot water from the inside, which tries to escape through my head, hands, and feet. When it comes upon me, I do my best to shake it off and examine where it most likely originated in me. I used to be able to ignore the signals my body sent me, but I am no longer capable of living in that state of dullness and forgetfulness. While I was on this path some time ago, I know that I have him to thank for shaking things up for me; for being my catalyst. Without his abandonment of me, I wouldn't have been able to hit bottom and become totally bankrupt. The worst thing that could have happened to me is responsible for the best thing that has ever happened to me. Strange how that works. I am finally able to take a deep breath without fear, knowing that my own happiness can only come from inside me, and that I no longer have to chase things outside myself or need others to feel joy. What an incredible gift.
The changes in me are unreal. I have deleted my FB page, terminated my Yahoo mail, and refocused my energies into the flesh and blood people around me. I have gotten out of my self-imposed isolation, and reached out to people I once thought of as unapproachable strangers. No longer do I sit for hours in front of the computer. Blogging here is serving as my creative outlet, since I am a writer by nature. Other than this blog, I spend all my time on the computer working on school projects. I spend no more than two hours a day studying, compared to the numerous hours I used to spend in this chair. Now that things are back in control and headed where they need to be, I have decided to continue my education through to my Master's. Why not? This is something God says to me every day...and reminds me that it is He that set me on this path from the beginning, although I didn't always take it as seriously as I do now. Why not, indeed. I have come this far, so why not go all the way... Finally, I am listening.
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