Not as it was...

Well now, the whole world has flipped around upside down and all is not as it was...

So much has changed in the three months that passed since the abrupt life change I experienced. I am now a divorced and single woman. Words I had once been afraid to utter aloud...and now I am finding fit me quite well. They evoke mental images of a strong and independent breed, capable of surviving anything life has to throw their way. I meet new people every day that reinforce all the good that life has to offer, and I am thankful that I ended up in this place, no matter what pain I had to go through to reach it.

Funny that my ex let it be known that he would come over to work on my motorcycle now that the season for riding is fast approaching. By the time he actually came over to do it, I had already been riding in the temporary balmy weather of two weeks ago. That day I was surprised to find him standing on the front porch...and not a little unsettled by the idea of his being on the property. I left him to do what he would, and caught up with him only momentarily while he finished up his work before jumping on the bike and riding off to meet my girlfriend Chas at the river.

Even stranger, he called me the next night and blew me away with what he had to say. I sat in stunned silence, unable to form complete thoughts or assemble them into recognizable speech. Once I believe I succumbed to a sob, but it was short lived. I couldn't believe what I was hearing. He was admitting that he rushed and pushed me into the divorce without knowing if it was the right thing...basically that he made a mistake...! What?! Wtf?! He went on to say that he'd tried to put me out of his mind and out of his life, but so far had been unsuccessful...to his consternation and confusion. He didn't sound like he knew for sure exactly what he wanted of me, and I grew more confused as I listened.

By the time our conversation was over, I was thoroughly dazed and confused. It sounded an awful lot like he made a mistake, but wasn't really sure...and now wanted to get back in touch with me, possibly even entangled in my life again, but without making any statements or commitments...and better yet, without breathing a single word of our exchanges to anyone around either of us. Sounds very risque and complicated to me...and not anywhere near what I want for my life. Sure, if I had it my way, I wouldn't be divorced at all....I would be happily married, as I was once before, and this would all be a distant nightmare I'd once had in another life. But, alas, this is the reality and the other is the dream...so, I am stuck with what is in front of me.

I am no longer the person I was...neither the happily married woman, nor the depressed and unsure individual that was my alter ego. I have shed both skins, and now wear something altogether new. I am not entirely happy with this new me, but I am a work in progress. I don't like that I still find some of my worth in the attention the opposite sex shows me, so that is definitely an area I have to work on. At this point, I have attracted the attentions of more than a handful of men, although every single one is a poor fit for me. One or two are not completely unattached...and those that are have other issues to contend with that supercede any relationship building efforts...and even if everything is right on track in those areas, still there has to be an element of attraction, which is harder to find and fit than one would think...ugh.

Well, I will keep moving forward, without putting any focus or energy into trying to replace the marriage that I so miss.......or to go back to something that never existed in the first place. One foot in front of the other, and a smile for the girl I see in the mirror...cuz she deserves kudos for making it through alive and kicking...and in pretty good shape. ;P

Ok, humor: There are days when I want to sit and sing the 'if you're angry and you know it, punch their face' song... -.-