A Stirring of Echoes

Ok, yeah, I know that's the name of a movie...but it really fit today. After getting off this morning, I went to my friend/patient Joseph's. I love going to his house, cuz he is one of the few people who's thoughts and opinions I still respect...especially since the words of so many lately rarely match up with their actions. So, there I am...and the subject of parents' deaths came up (don't ask me how...)...and there I am, thinking about things that haven't happened for better than three decades. What am I, like six again?! Jeez. Anyway, this epiphany hits me, and I realize that I have stirred echoes within the corridors of my life that lead me to the present day. It suddenly hits me that all of today's choices are influenced by the heart and mind of a little six-year old little girl who wanted nothing more than to love and to belong and be loved in return. But that didn't happen at age six, and fear of that never happening again has molded me into the crazed and dysfunctional person I am proud to be today. o.O
Anyway, I shed a few tears over what might have been for that little girl, then sucked it up and went home to crash for a decent day's sleep before comiing back to work tonight. I got up to answer a phone call from a guy that is always on the verge of being in my life, then went to Mickey D's to find an Angus Deluxe with my name on it. Call it more of a craving. Then I realized I left my phone at home...and god forbid I should go any length of time without that albatross around my neck, ran home to get it, then took myself to Kiwanis Park to watch the river and think as I ate. After stuffing myself with the whole burger (I usually can only eat half...ugh...so full!), I forced myself out of the comfort of my Suby and made my way down to the river.

As I moved toward the water, I thought of Todd. Nothing romantic or anything, more like I was thinking about how pathetic that whole situation was for him and how he was a coward in the face of life and a fool for throwing away a chance at happiness with both hands, not to mention the loss of what had once been a loving and beautiful family. The tragedy of it is lost on my, I suppose. At one time I would have cared immensely and been inconsolably sad...but not now, and certainly not today. This whole line of thinking made me think of the sadness of the current guy that's not really in my life...and that was too much for me, so I put all thought of anyone else but me and my happiness out of my mind. The force of the water at the bend in the river was incredible, and the moon was rising, with only a few clouds in the sky the stars blazed. I walked all the way to my work's back door, just to see how it looked from the river side in the dark...then turned around and made my way back to my car. As I moved, I thought about the fact that I could walk, hell...run even, if I wanted to..but it felt so good I took my time and paid close attention to how my body moved from one step to the next, hips rolling, arms moving, and the muscles in my side tightening as I swaggered. Yes, I swaggered...hell, when someone has as much hips and a$$ as I have, well, they have to swing or they'd have no place to go...and in the end, it all felt soooo good. I thanked god for the opportunity to feel like a whole human being again...and came on to work.

After I got here, I realized that I felt crappier than I'd remembered feeling the night before. Seems whatever I had or has been going around is sticking it out a while longer, just to get the best of me. It wasn't an hour and a half after stepping in the door that I was hugging the toilet...again. Jeez. Yet again, had I been able to figure out how to call in an on-call person, I'd have left here in a state of perpetual ungrace. Ugh. Just call me Punky Brewster... -.-


My horoscope today said:
You'll feel conflicted today, for reasons you don't fully understand. Something you know to be true seems at odds with the facts you are presented. Focus on the solution, idea, or "truth" that feels right in your heart. Don't worry too much about being "right".
On the other hand, God had this to say:
Give yourself permission to be un-busy. Give yourself an hour or a day to simply be. Allow yourself the luxury of a small retreat. Allow your spirit time to be restored. Even God took a day of rest.


Now, what God had to say today really fit this evening. As I walked along the path next tot he river, I kept thinking.. 'What a magnificent scene I have created for myself tonight...this is f'in gorgeous!...man, I rock'...and I was thankful that I wasn't with anyone, since it forced me to give to or please no one except myself. It was the first time since I walked after rehab that I felt a sense of myself coming back to me...like I didn't need anyone else to help me feel complete...I was finally complete on my own, simply for being Me..! And I have taken tonight off to continue along that vein...