In Search Of

Hmmm...What am I in search of?

God in me...God in others...the answers to the questions posed by my ever-changing situation? I'm not really sure, but I guess when I find what I am in search of, I will know it.

So, I did what I had to the other day. I shared the things that had burdened me for so long, and accepted responsibility for decisions and my actions. I felt better, and worse, all at the same time. I knew that what I had to say didn't make me a bad person, but my mind understood the implications...and that I would think of myself differently because of what I knew. Well, it is what it is. I did not offer explanations, but simply stated the facts and then sat in silence and waited.

What I got in return was divorce papers. I was not surprised. I had spent many hours that morning, and the night before, in prayer on the subject. I had asked God for the strength and courage to face what I knew was coming, and to put aside my own hurt and pain so that I could see his instead. I knew that it had taken a great deal of effort, both to pick the papers up, and to fill out what he had. He had sounded really vexed and determined to forge ahead on the phone the day before as he filled them out, despite his deeper feelings, which I believe he has been pushing away as they arise. I can only imagine the loneliness he must feel, having to cut himself off from the rest of the world as he maintains this stoicism.

Regardless, when he pressed me to show up at the bank the next morning with my portion filled out to sign the papers in front of a notary, I listened but did not immediately respond. When he finally fell silent, I told him that I didn't mean to sound stubborn or willful, but that I needed to spend time in prayer about it. I also told him that while I wasn't trying to put him off, I was not ready to commit to such a life-altering decision, and that I would get back to him on it. He tried to push by saying he would text me about it the next day, but I told him that he shouldn't think that I would be ready that soon, and that I would keep in touch. Before he left, he asked for his leather-bound Bible, which I had packed into his boxes weeks ago. I told him as much, but encouraged him to look in our room, our closet, and the coat room shelves to make absolutely certain. Maybe I didn't need to say it, but I told him that I would never throw anything of his away, much less something so important. He assured me he knew that, but I had heard similar assurances of his understanding in the not-so-distant past, and cannot be certain that was the case.

Maybe what I am looking for is certainty. Maybe I am also still looking for the stillness I have been cultivating over the last few weeks. I bought a new book yesterday, called Conversations with God. It isn't what I thought it would be, for sure. Somehow, it is much deeper...and I will have to spend much time with it over the next weeks, hoping it will answer some of my harder questions.

Tonight, there is a New Year service at the church and I am of a mind to go. I do enjoy the people there, and feel closer to Christ than at almost any other time, so I should probably get my butt moving. I know they are eating first, so I may yet wait a little longer since I just made Mom and the kids some fried chicken and mac and cheese. I am soooo stuffed! It makes moving hard, but nothing good ever comes easy... ;)

Ok, now that I've gotten over the roughest patch to date...and it was REALLY rough, I should start practicing my humor again....so here goes:

When I finally get a grip on reality, I'm gonna choke it to death!