Slings and Arrows

If it can be imagined, today was varying degrees of worse than yesterday. Love is the only reason for our very existence and well worth the slings and arrows that find purchase in the heart...

My phone has become an unspeakable instrument of evil, capable of indescribable torment. I cringe every time it chirps or chimes, expecting the worst. My heart jumps into my throat and I am unable to breathe as I anticipate the message it will deliver. Why do I feel so threatened by an inanimate object...?

I did not walk today, although I probably should have. I woke in a sweat this morning, stumbling from bed in a disoriented daze from tormented dreams, realizing my alarm never went off. I knew that I would be heading to the hospital not long after taking the girls to school, so I sat down and got right to work on my discussion questions for school instead of taking Gabby for our morning jaunt to the river.

Everything seemed out of sorts today. The lady who comes in the afternoon to relieve me at the gift shop didn't show today, which was unusual. She is a vivacious and robust woman with a cloud of hair tinted the color of her name, Rusty, which I find rather appropriate. Each of these ladies has a life story that is absolutely fascinating and filled with romance and intrigue. This lady in particular is the proud owner of a mint-condition 1971 Ford Mustang, which she bought brand new from the dealer for $1700 back in the day. All I could say is, Wow!, could you leave me in the will?....ha ha. Anyway, the cafeteria was having taco Tuesday, so I skipped lunch and headed straight home instead.

While I waited at school for the girls to get out, I called Tina to see if she was going to fly me down to see her next week. She said she checked and found out she didn't have enough miles to go around once she flew herself and Beau up next month, so she needed to save them. I was bummed, since I could use some time away from everything going on here, but I totally understood. She and I are alike in our penchant for always erring on the side of common sense. In essence, I knew I would just be running away and putting off the inevitable. What the inevitable is at this point, I don't know, but I don't relish finding out. I simply cannot force myself to do something that feels so wrong and alien to me, and yet I understand when he says I didn't have a problem making such a choice months ago. I am not sure I agree that they are on the same level of decision or consequence, but in his mind they must be, or we would not be at this impasse. Had I known what was at stake and how easily it would be lost, I would never have wagered it in a million years. To think of all I have thrown away with both hands without ever realizing the severity and gravity of it all....especially since if the situation were reversed, I would forgive the transgression without another thought.

I look forward to meeting Elizabeth tomorrow for lunch. It is my hope that her calm and quiet demeanor rub off on me over time. I know that she suffers from heartache and is having a hard time moving on after her husband abandoned and divorced her two years ago. She takes refuge in her job teaching at a Christian academy, but suffers from migraines. I empathize with what she must surely be enduring, and hope that my friendship brings her out of her shell a bit. I also got a much needed text from Glenna this morning, shoring me up with her prayer for me as I moved through the trials of my day. She is a true blessing, and seems to intuit when I need a morale boost. I was so glad it was her texting me that I almost fainted with relief....lol.

Well, I guess it's off to bed soon. I am 2/3rds of the way through the 'Conversations with God: An Uncommon Dialogue' book. I talked to my counselor, Rich, about it today. He most probably only thought I was slightly loony, but that's okay. I told him that it really fits in with the core beliefs I've remembered since birth. He tried to challenge me on some aspects of it, but I didn't go for it. I have no need to debate the Oneness of it All.... The only need I have is to be aware of it  and experience it for what it is, and for what I am. It is the first time in forever that I have been able to let go of doubt and insecurity and leave my fear of death behind...and that is something that I can fully embrace without regret.

Peace and love to all!