As I walk through the house tonight, I love the feel of it. The rain from earlier this evening glistens on the kitchen window and the furniture being rearranged feels more comfortable, like it just flows better. Now there is room for 6 or 7 people instead of just 4 or 5, which makes hanging with family and friends to watch TV much easier on all of us. Although there is an ocassional flare-up of tension, things run much smoother than they ever have before, and I am very grateful for that.
As I came to the room, I thought about taking a shower. It is an inconvenience to take our showers in mom's room, and it serves to remind me that I need the bath materials from the building center to complete my work. I have found a smaller tub, complete with surround for as little as $200, but it would mean having to replace a section of laminate flooring in the bathroom, and I don't know yet that I want to commit to doing that. Otherwise, I can buy only the surround, but the dimensions are not correct, nor is the color. Well, I'm sure the answer will come to me by the time my truck gets its new clutch, as I will need a truck to pick up any materials that I must buy. Sooo....I guess that takes care of that annoyance for a while longer....lol.
Speaking of shower, I caught myself thinking about the fact that all my PJ's are dirty, and I don't have anything to sleep in. Hmmm...sounds so strange saying that, considering I've never worn anything to bed in all my adult years. To do so now is a direct result of perceived vulnerability. I have been yanked from the bosom of sleep to nightmare scenarios too many times in the past, having someone wake me from a dead sleep to blare light in my eyes and drop bombs on me. Also, now that there is not a man in the house to shelter and protect us, I have taken to sleeping with my 9mm next to the bed, knowing that should I awaken and there is reason to fear, I will be totally prepared to face it head-on. The last thing I want to be is vulnerable.
I finished filling out my FAFSA paperwork for the upcoming school year. I thought as I did so that it would be hard for him to do the same without our tax information, and it made me wonder if he will keep in contact with me - if for no other reason than taking care of business. There are so many areas of our lives that are tangled and intertwined, which don't reveal themselves until they must be sorted out. Only God knows why I still carry such hope in me, but I never stop being grateful that I do. Some days are easier than others, but everyday is hard.
As I walked Gabby down to the river today, I thought about my life and where it is headed. I have been lost and confused for so long, totally without a clear direction. As I walked among the aspens and cottonwoods, I stopped to put my arms around a rather large one. I felt the energy from it, and all living things, humming in my blood. At that moment, I looked to the sky and told God that my life is His, to do with as he wishes. All I asked for was direction, some kind of assurance that I am doing as He wills. I didn't figure that was too much to ask for... There was a feeling of calm and peace that settled over me, nothing huge, just a small serenity in a sea of orchestrated chaos. Man, it felt good.
So, I start volunteering back at the hospital next week. I wasn't sure I was ready, but I guess He knew what was best for me. I can't argue with that. Just say 'yes' he says.... reminds me of that Jim Carrey movie Yes, Man!. As to all the other decisions that must be made, well, I will have to rely more heavily on prayer. I will have to ask the questions that need to be asked, offer all of me, and hope that I can listen for His answers with my heart instead of my mind.
Speaking of heart, I came across an old CD of pics from when we first moved to this house. OMG, Gabby was just a round ball of fur...and SO cute! Then there were pics of Todd on the backhoe, Todd and I and the kids at our wedding in Salmon, and mom and the kids (and even Buddy...the new one, not the old one...and Sylvester...*sniff*) working on the septic we put in. Man, those were some busy times for us all. We pulled together and worked out butts off to get this place to where it is now. I am so proud of what we've accomplished. I love my family so very much!
Until next time... ;P
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