What Dreams May Come

Last night was Chicago and Moulin Rouge, with steaks, mushrooms, and asparagus. I needed the uplifting music, as well as the heart-rending and ironic tragedy of both stories to ground me. Tonight was more steak, but the movies were Cloudy with a Chance of Meatballs, Final Destination 4(5?), Ice Age 3, 100 Feet, and The Goods. This night was more of a mix of comedy and horror just to keep my mind occupied....

Today was quieter without my dreaded phone, but no easier. It is tragic, but I admit I missed the communication, even if it was fucked up, one-sided communication that ate me up inside like acid. In spite of the epic internal struggle going on right now, I am learning to find peace and stillness in the hardest of moments. Without such trying difficulties, I might not have experienced the very thing that I was so restless for all along, which was a return to my purest self. A reconnecting with my spirit...my very soul.

When I first ventured into the wilds of Montana in July of 1996, I had a bright and clear dream of settling on a piece of property facing the mountains, and building the kids and I a permanent home (in the beginning, I fantasized of a log home). My dreams were no more complicated than that, with the exception of wanting a 4-wheel drive vehicle to maintain our independence. As time went by, I was fortunate enough to scratch and scrape that dream into a reality, all the while learning that having my family with me was the most important dream I could have, and that nothing else really mattered. It is love and the strength of family bonds that keeps me moving forward in the face of seemingly impossible odds. All that I am, and all that I have, is because of their love for me, and mine for them.

Speaking of family, I sent a couple of emails to my sis today, and heard back that she has put her house up on Craigslist and already gotten an email of interest. She says that if she sells before Bobby returns back home, she will fly me down, we will pack up everything and bring it up, then she will call Bobby and tell him their new address. She cracks me up. I am so excited to have her moving here. I cannot wait for her to get here....

I often wonder what direction God will lead me in; what dreams He will fill me with next. I am excited to start moving forward, but still pray daily for the one I love most.