Lessons Learned

Haven't blogged in a while. Suppose I should catch up with things...

Well, the divorce papers were filed last week. It was a tense afternoon, but I kept my shit together long enough to get it done. I spent the next few days getting my life back in order, then spent Friday at a friend's watching movies.

Saturday I received my final decree court date. January 28th. Less than ten days from now I will be divorced for the third time. It gave me pause to stop and reflect on where I am with all that.

In my heart and my mind, I have finally let Todd go. After talking to him at the courthouse, I realized he didn't leave because of anything I did. That was merely the excuse he used to get out the door. He left because he wanted to. He left because he never truly got to a place where he wanted to be here for more than a day at a time, and he was only saying what he needed to and going through the motions because it worked for the moment. I had to realize that he was never in a place where he knew himself well enough to know he couldn't truly be able to love another person for keeps, much less me. I had to stop thinking that I wasn't worthy of his love. That was what was killing me. I kept hanging on to all the things he had said to me over the years, convinced that just because he said the words and mimed the actions to go with them, that they were really true and couldn't just be taken back in an instant. That is like demanding that life be fair. It doesn't fit with reality.

Now that I have made that huge leap, I feel much better. The last two months have been agonizing and devastating. I haven't cried that many tears in the last 15 years put together. I hadn't even believed myself capable of such utter emotion, but there it was, and I couldn't escape it. So, I had to lean into it and just let it reign for as long as it needed to until it played out. It was the best thing I could have done. It has allowed me to come out the other side, shiny and clean with clear eyes like a newborn babe. Since the tears dried up, I have smiled and laughed with more joy than I have in a very long time. I find myself smiling for no reason at all....feeling more feminine....bustin a move to random music...singing along....and just finding joy in tiny everyday things. Everyone else is smiling more too when they see me...even strangers.

The only thing that didn't survive this trial by fire intact was my willingness to remain open to another such relationship. Surely, I am wide open now to love in many forms from family, friends, and even strangers, which is a great blessing. However, I feel myself shutting down in the presence of available men, unable to allow myself to be taken in by their charms, no matter how sincere and I back away at the slightest touch. I notice this withdrawing, and it bothers me. I pray it is a phase I must go through and that it doesn't last. I don't want to be cold and stubbornly independent, unable to give myself over to that kind of love for fear of becoming dependent on another. Ugh! What a way to end up..... 

Well, only time will tell. I am excited about school again, if not so much about the school work...lol. I look forward to beginning my Master's program in October, if for no other reason than to have my education done. The thought of being a licensed addictions counselor has crossed my mind a time or two, but I haven't pursued the idea. I finally finished the Conversations with God book. Damn, it was really good. Life changing, actually. So totally not what I expected, yet so very worth it. It is a recommended read for those who aren't religious, are agnostic, and even for the open atheists. I love how it incorporates physics, science, existential questions, unity, and the meaning and purpose of life into one book without going off the deep end.

Finally, I look forward to the weeks and months ahead. I am excited to see my sister again, whether it is back down in Louisiana or here in Montana. I don't relish the idea of spending the summer down there, since I love spring and summer here so much, but I would do it for her. I also look forward to riding my motorcycle when the weather warms up. I hope to hike, bike, swim, float, fish, hunt crystals, hot spring, and camp well into the fall. I am finally of an age where I have the self-esteem and confidence in my abilities to make the most of my joys and talents, and it feels exhilarating. I haven't felt this free in as long as I can remember, and I will be extra careful not to give it up as I have in the past or again make the mistake of trading it in for a false sense of security and belonging.

Cheers to lessons learned! Onward and upward!