Boy, I really struggled to make it through today. I can't get over that anxious feeling every time my phone goes off and I get a text. Man, it sucks to feel so tingly, dizzy and like I wanna puke, and it takes so long to wear off. Who knew emotional triggers like this could have such a physical affect on me...?
I started out my day by going for my usual walk early this morning as the sun came up over the moutains. I slowed down a bit when I got on the path to the river through the tall grass, and noticed another small trail that led off toward an unfamiliar stand of trees. I decided to be adventurous and take the path less traveled, and was rewarded for my effort. A ring of dead limbs and salvage wood had been piled in a circle around a large low-hanging limb, and there was a teepee of sorts formed undeneath. It was really cool looking, so of course I climbed inside to scope it out. It was big enough for me and Gabby to sit comfortably, or big enough for me to curl up inside by myself, and it had plenty of cushion underneath with all the leaf debris scattered throughout. I daydreamed of this scenario for a few minutes, imaging myself there on a cold fall night, wrapped in my favorite poodle blanket (a throw blanket at home that I love, love, love) with the stars shining bright in the inky sky overhead. It was very relaxing, this daydream, and I wondered how long it would take me to grow cold and stiff lying on the ground. Even knowing that was a possibility, I was very seduced by the idea and actually considered bringing my blanket another time to do just that. There was also an old metal barrel placed close by that had obviously been a burn barrel for heat. I became more enchanted with the spot by the moment, and even felt drowsy as I thought about it, although it was much too close to the heavily traveled trail to suit me. It would be my luck someone would happen upon me while I slept or see the smoke or light from the fire at night, and what with it being within a city park, well...I didn't see it turning out well for me, or at the very least not being the comforting oasis I imagined it to be, so eventually I moved on down the trail.
It is always easy for me to forget about the struggles of everyday life for a while as I get away from civilization. There isn't anything about the outdoors that I hate, or that stress me, so it is very much a spiritual experience for me. When I stop and feel the stillness, I can step into the hum and vibration of just being alive. I never underestimate how I can feel so disconnected and dead when I am in the middle of town, yet feel so connected, energized, and alive when I seek the stillness of the outdoors. This is why I am glad that I walk alone, because if someone were with me (besides Gabby) then they would feel the need to fill the silence with inane chatter, and how loving and kind would it be to tell them to just shut the hell up...? Well, let's never find out....
Classes start back for me tomorrow. I am kind of excited, since I got a head start on my final project that isn't due until week after next. I hope to get some research and studying done tomorrow when I put in my volunteer time at the hospital. I am looking forward to getting back to the group of kind ladies there, but also a bit nervous since they are always so curious. I still haven't mastered the art of small talk or chatter yet, and am not sure I ever will. I would just be happy with finding a comfortable middle ground, where I can be positive and caring, without ever having to say trite things I don't mean just to be polite. It is something I find I have to work on every day. At this point, I just sit and listen most of the time, without offering to say anything unless I have something worthwhile to contribute. I guess this means I am silent more often than not, but I am learning to be okay with that.
My sister is talking about flying me down to see her in Louisiana again for a week. I love talking to her and spending time with her, so it would be a blessing. The only thing I don't like is having to leave mom and the kids again, since things go much smoother with me here. I also talked to Susan this morning. She went through two weeks of chemo and steriods before Christmas and is really feeling it now that she's back home. It sounds like things are tough for her and Greg as well. The situation she is going through with the MS seems to be giving her the fuel she needs to reprioritize her life, and I think she may actually be on the verge of finally moving up here. It would be wonderful to have both my sister and my best friend so close to me. I could use more women in my life that I could connect with on a daily basis, which I never realized, or could admit, was so important to me.
The clutch for my truck should be in tomorrow, so maybe they will get to work on it right away and I might have it back by the weekend. I can hope, right? Having the truck to transport the shower materials is the only thing holding up my bathroom project. I know the kids are impatient to have our bathroom back in working order, and I second that. Besides, it would give me a dedicated job to focus on instead of some of the less constructive things that have been on my mind lately. I think of my husband almost every waking moment of every day, and many of my sleeping ones. I miss him in so many ways, but try not to dwell too long on thoughts of him or I end up feeling bleak and hopeless. I try to focus on the positive, and remember it is during the rough times when I am in doubt that I must pray the hardest, so I do just that.
So, it's off to bed I go, to end my day in thankful prayer and turn over my worries to the only One that is infinitely larger and more capable than myself.
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