Today was the day. I went to the final decree hearing and was divorced @ 2pm today. It was a bittersweet experience, at best. I cried through the hearing, then while we waited for our copies. Then again when we went to sign the income tax refund paperwork. What a fucking mess I am today. Completely overwhelmed by the reality of it all. I cannot even conceive of a tomorrow, so I should just lay down and be surprised when it comes anyway.
One good thing did happen today. A random lady that was also divorcing today put her arm around me in an offer of comfort. She then asked if she could give me a hug (to which I, uncharacteristically, said yes) and then held my hand the entire time we waited for our paperwork to be finished. She then gave me a note with her name and phone number on it, saying I should call her later. As I waited outside the church for my bible study group to meet, I called her and we shared some of our pain. I then invited her to come to church with me if she wanted, and she actually said yes. I look forward to seeing her on Sunday, and feel blessed that I made a friend on one of the lowest days of my life. Her comfort made my pain a little less searing and allowed me to get through the rest of the day. Thank God I can now see the beauty in people, where before I would have regarded them with suspicion and wariness.
I don't want to think about what my life will be like without my best friend, my lover, and my fantasy of happily ever after. I want to just put all thoughts out of my mind and focus on absolutely nothing for a while so that I can heal from my wounds. Today the small patch of skin I had grown over my feelings was rudely ripped away, leaving me exposed and raw with emotion. It was awful. I need time, and yet cannot fast-forward myself to that place where everything is less painful.
Fuck it. I'm going to bed to slip into unconsciousness so that I don't have to feel any more for today....
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