Love. Meh...

Meh...love. Wtf is up with that...?!

Ok, I've been doing this 'dating' thing for better than a year, off and on. I am no better at it  now than I was way back in the day when I actually half ass knew what I was doing. Not that I've ever known what I was doing...but I'm digressing. 

I've been spending time with one of the guys that I spent time with when Todd and I split the first time. I knew at the time that I shouldn't be spending time with this particular guy, but I found myself doing it anyway. Almost in spite of it. Come on...I knew he was seeing someone he'd been in a long term relationship with for as long as I'd known of him. But in all truthfulness, he'd been the first one of us show interest and then pursued me, not the other way around. Knowing this, I'd signed on with a guy who would admittedly cheat on his partner. Omg, he's Todd...........  


Hearing myself spell it out here in black and white, it is hard to try and sell myself on the idea that I didn't know what I was getting myself into...so how do I move forward from here? Shit. I've gone and allowed myself to have increasingly stronger feelings for a totally unavailable (emotionally or otherwise) guy, and now am almost to the point of crying and being morbidly depressed when he leaves town for the weekend. I am even jealous of his truck. Fuck. You gotta be kidding me, Susan....ugh!

Good lord, where to begin. I suppose going back over the our time last year and our last few months may let me get a clearer perspective on how I got where I am, and a larger picture so I can see where to go from here.......hmmm...where to start.....*sits with chin in hand, staring off into space with a blank look*

Alright. I was breaking up with Andrew when I 'met' Brad. I'd known of him for some five years or more from working at Riverside Conoco.  Understand, it was a passing acquaintance only, simply for business reasons, and didn't allow me to know anything too personal about him what-so-ever...with the exception that he was always working or playing and never had a female with him. Beyond that, all I knew was his name and status as a customer. Brad had been invited by Andrew to assist in convincing me that I should give Andrew another chance to prove his worthiness. Of course, Brad being the good guy that he is, did his best to convince me that Andrew loved me and wanted nothing but the best for me. I informed him that I didn't have the capacity to provide care for an alcoholic when I had a family relying on me at home. He said he understood and waited for an alone moment to offer his phone number so that we could talk about our concerns for Andrew more privately. This should have tipped me off and set my alarm bells ringing...and in many ways it did...but I ignored it. Besides talking on the phone, Brad came over later that day as well. In a phone conversation that followed, he told me about the 'spark' of electricity he'd felt pass between us when we'd spoken the first time at Andrew's...and how it had happened again at my house. How could I deny it if he said it had happened.... After all, it wasn't the kind of thing that it made sense to fake....right?

Ok....so, enter Brad onto the scene. I texted and talked to him many times over the two months that followed. We got together every now and again and even had some close encounters, but all in all, I knew about his significant other and neither of us ever went any further.  Cut to January of this year...and I sent him a text not but a few days, possibly a week, after asking Todd to leave the house...while I was out on a hockey night with my girlfriend's. We ended up drinking while at the game that night, and had quite a few more while dancing the night away in Florence at the High Spirits. That night I'd been chased around the bar by a very handsome and sweet 22 yr-old that I later took home...anway, I get off track here obviously...so, I never heard back from Brad that night. Sometime the next day I think he texted me back...and seemed to be surprised and delighted about hearing from me. He asked if I actually meant to text him, or if it had been an accident. I assured him I had meant to, although I didn't tell him I'd also texted a few others that night as well. No sense in sharing everything right out of the gate....and I still knew about his significant other, Kris.

So, seems that much hadn't changed in the year that we did other things...and other people. We both were in about the same place as we'd left one another...and here we were again. I eventually ended up being so put out by the single guys I was dating (insert Ryan and Jeff here) that I gave him more and more time to entertain me. I was so entertained sometimes that I even offered up cash to help purchase a radiator for our toy of choice, the 'big' truck...and allowed him to continue to taunt me in a sexual way for weeks and weeks...until he kept hinting that it was going to happen eventually, so I put him to the challenge and told him I expected not to be disappointed..which really seemed to deflate him some and cause some anxiety...but brought him down a few notches. Until then, he'd had an arrogant streak that was hard to tolerate, especially since I knew it cleverly hid a very damaged self-esteem. As much as I wanted to feel sorry for him, I wanted to slap the fuck out of that arrogance first...so I issued the challenge and sat back to watch the show. It worked. For that I was grateful. Ever since then, his damaged self-esteem has come to the forefront and arrogance is now saved for his friends and acquaintences, instead of for me. He seemed to be spending all his time with me, and didn't really seem to have any time to still be seeing Kris, so I assumed that he'd cooled things off with her...which was helped by the fact that I never brought her up or questioned him about anything, but in a way it wouldn't have mattered to me if he had still been seeing her...as I never saw her as competition. I actually felt and still feel really sorry for her. While I'm sure he has his flaws, Brad is a sweet and kind soul; very loving and affectionate...and passionate. He has a hard time believing I see him this way, but if he could see what I see, he would be amazed...surely.

We ended up being a very favorable match physically, and for that I am extremely grateful, although I sometimes wish I weren't as attracted to him as I am. It can be inconvenient to want to keep my distance and then he comes within a city block of me and I am unable to say no or resist even the slightest suggestion. It is especially inconvenient if I at all wish to keep my heart and it's ability to love freely intact, as I put myself at risk every time we touch. He seems surprised by my intense physical and emotional reaction to his nearness, but it's simply because he doesn't understand me...which can only be solved with time and nearness...and that is in short supply these days.

He's called me several times over the last week or so, since saying he needed space and time to figure things out. In the last few days he's asked a couple of questions that seem to be easy to answer, but he had difficulty asking them. The first was if I'd work in the office, helping his mother to run the family business. The second was about sharing problems and bills. I said yes to the first, provided it was on my off time. To the second, I responded that a shared life means shared resources/assets and liabilities/responsibilities. There is no middle ground where I handle my shit and he handles his. That is leading separate lives and not how I want to live my life. God in me knows that I was meant to be a partner and work and live side by side with a mate. I have not a single doubt that a person who feels the same way will someday find me...

Love. Meh. -/-



 

I'm so in love with....Me!

Ah, yes...I am deeply and madly in love...with me. And it is a good thing, for it's always full of joy and laughter at myself. Just this morning is a prime example. Here was Joseph, telling me how cute my ass looked in these jeans, and Bam! I fall flat on my face. Couldn't have been timed better...Classic. I thought I'd throw up from laughing so hard. I'm sure his laughter was just as hard and long as mine. Hopefully, it is just the medicine he needs...

It has been almost three months at my job now, and I have loved every single solitary moment of it. Graveyards and all.  Probably more so because of the weird hours. I get in when most everyone is going to bed, or has already done so. I close up shop, settle in with my paperwork and chores, then fill my time with reading, movies, FB, or some other past time I can't get away with during the day...and the time flies by. Before I know it, it's morning and I am up and out of there three days out of my four before anyone even wakes up. The one day I stay until 10am, I get to hang with my clients for a few hours before they head off to ADT, and then I am free as a bird. I couldn't ask for an easier job and a more pleasant atmosphere to work in. Of course, each client is a unique individual and they each touch my heart in a different way. I look forward to seeing them again each week when I return from my time off. I can't wait to catch up with them and have them tell me of their week's events. I sometimes bring small token gifts, such as a borrowed movie to watch, just to see their faces light up with excitement and wonder. It is a great feeling.

I also had the pleasure of filling out my benefits packet this morning. It was an overwhelming process, my finding out just how well taken care of I am by my organization. The life, disability, health and dental benefits were generous, and the premiums were low enough with the $60 chip in they give me toward them...so I could actually afford to elect for orthodontics on the dental for Danielle to get her teeth fixed. It is more than I could have hope for...so much more. Of course, I will have to pay on top of it, since it is only a 50% match, but even that is awesomely generous compared to not having anything before. I know Dani is stoked.

I was also pleasantly surprised to see so many hours of holiday, paid leave, and sick leave thrown in for good measure. It makes me feel that life certainly knows what it's doing and I should just hush and stay out of it's way while it creates magnificence and wonder for me to behold....surely.

So, I will work diligently at doing just that...until next time......

So, yeah....wtf ever.

All I can say is, yeah...what the fuck ever. That's a sad statement to make, but there it is.

Ok. I've been doing my best to grow, evolve, move on...and allow myself to live life and love as though I've never been hurt. That is the admonition from anyone who wants to give advice to me about how I should approach this whole dating thing. Well, frankly, dating sucks ass. Over and over again, we give out pieces of ourselves to mere strangers. People who we aren't sure we'd share a bus seat with, and yet we are handing them pieces of our lives. Ugh. I am so disgusted right now. Can you tell?


I am back to understanding why the best relationship we can have is with ourselves. It is the most true and rewarding relationship there is to have, and never fails to give back all that we put into it. Acknowledging such, I am making a move at this very moment to dedicate each and every moment of the next six months to me, myself and I. I will spend time with friends and enjoy each and every moment, no matter where it leads me, and be unwilling to consider a one on one relationship with the opposite sex. What else can I do, since I know that I enjoy getting to know others and being social. But I also know that once they get to know me one on one, they push me to do just that (be exclusive). All the sudden I am desirable to the point that they want me for themselves...but I know damn good and well it is a fleeting thing and they will only be interested long enough to get to know any degree of me, then they will change their mind, decide they are too damaged for anything real and lasting, or whatever the hell shit they can come up with, and then they are gone...if not physically, then mentally.


Now, if I can just get past being angry at all of them, then I will realize that who I am most angry is at myself. I am disappointed that life has given me yet another opportunity to know the most incredible creation God has ever made just for me, and that is myself, and I have pissed it away . While I spend time on feeding and clothing this creation, I spend very little time getting to know the inner workings. It is as though I am almost afraid of what I will come to find, as though it won't live up to my own expectations. In all reality, what I come to know will most likely exceed my expectations to a degree thought impossible, most surely. After all, God is perfection, and all we make is perfect. Ok, hopefully this rambling ended more positive than it started. Let's see if I can live up to these high ideals........

Holy undecided...crap.

Well, it's been a fun-filled month. Dani's 17th birthday was just yesterday...she's so grown-up...my little girl. *sniff* I'm taking her and Jon to Jerry Johnson hot springs on Monday since school is out for President's Day & I got them tix to 3Oh3! for when they come to the Wilma March 12th. I will start my new graveyard shift by next week, so I won't be able to go myself....*sigh*.


Work is awesome. The new Crisis House will open next week. I am excited to see Hamilton growing in this way, providing new and valuable community services for those in need. This means that things at the Group Home will be a little less complicated and become more structured, which should make things a little easier on everyone. I look forward to the changes.

The issue with the trailer is finally solved. As I said, I paid off the balance and am sending the receipt in the mail. I don't expect a favorable response, if one comes at all. I find myself indifferent to the situation and to pretty much everything concerning him. This saddens me, when just months ago I was back to not being able to imagine a future that didn't include him. As quick as the turnaround has been I sound almost as fickle as he does in my affections. Ugh. That can't be good. I have to give myself some credit, as my feelings changed in response to realizations that could no longer be denied, about him and about myself. If nothing else, I am becoming more self aware. That has to be good....right?


I am still dating, and find I am in no hurry to rush into another heavy relationship. I invited the tile layer/drummer/bowler to bowling Monday night. With his expert instruction on my form, my average picked up 20 pins per game. Wow. He seems to think I can do even better. I am intrigued and think this needs more exploration...so I am hopeful he can free himself for the next few weeks that are left in my league play to give me much needed assistance....so we will see where this goes..

Crap. Get your shit together.

I spent last night trying to pull the threads of my life back together. Somewhere along the way there became a snag and now the threads have pulled loose and are creating havoc in my well-ordered world. I have decided that remaining single is my best option, yet I find myself having inconvenient and unwanted feelings of being attached to another. Wasn't I just attached to another not that long ago? Did it not work out? What did I come away from it learning? In my low moments, I fear I have learned nothing at all and am fated to walk the same path over and over again into all my future existences.

Regardless, I put my foot down on with the one that isn't free. I told him that I can't see him any more and won't until he has tied up his loose ends and pulled his head out of his ass. He tried to tell me that he can 'imagine himself falling in love with me.' WTF does that mean, anyway? Sweet words and promises are meaningless to me, and imaginings hold even less worth. Case in point: I can't even begin to picture myself living a life with him. I mean, what would that look like? He doesn't share his home life with me, and I am not encouraged to share mine with him.  Sharing of our deepest desires is pie-in-the sky daydreaming, the kind of which I can do with just about anyone, provided I feel they are sincere about hearing what I hope to achieve from this existence. I am all ok with that, but even I realize that to continue with him I would become a phantom in my own reality, unable to see my reflection as I pass mirrors and windows in his home coming to believing that everyone whose eyes alight upon me can see the scarlet 'A' emblazoned across my breast and will know that I am nothing more than a harlot, a mistress, the 'other woman.' Ok, pretty melodramatic imaginings, but still...what a way to exist. And to know that I am no better than the ex-wife who conspired with my husband to carry on just such an affair...well, that is truly effed up. What will I end up believing about myself? Where would it all end? At the end of a gun barrel, like it did with LaBecka when Todd made the same mistake? Man, I don't want to go down that road if I can at all avoid it..........so if I want to stay sane and breathing, I need to pull back and let go.


Now...with the drummer. Oh, my....well, that may be a different story. He is certainly very free and willing. He said as much when we last spoke, and how could I not believe him with that deep and sultry voice saying the very words I so wanted to hear....Mmmm...damn. An opportunity like that is hard to pass up, especially when he keeps sending me such delicious pics of himself doing the things he does best (playing guitar, wearing his cowboy hat, at work, getting ready...Mmmmhmm...). I flush and notice I'm smiling each time I get one and I practically beg for the next pic. Thank goodness he isn't shy in front of the camera. Wonder if he'd let me take some...  -.-  ... At this point, our biggest concern is determining compatibility, and so far we haven't found any areas where we conflict. The only area of concern I still harbor revolves around meeting his rather large and well-established family. I so don't have experience at being 'normal' around people...ugh. 

Makes me think of this joke: 
"There is a normal person in our house." *whispers...'Someone call 911.'*


or: My therapist met us today. It's probably not too far-fetched to guess I'm in trouble from here on out...

A Glorious Sunday Morning in the Life of a Single Woman

Yes, it's me, and I'm back. Finally. After all the soul-searching, digging deep, and cleaning out my closets, here I stand...ready to face the world as an individual. Probably for the first time ever. I can't remember a time when I've stood alone. And liked it. Hell, loved it.

But as I said, here I am...and it is scary...but glorious...and soooo freeing...

Ok, obviously a lot has changed. Re-engaging with Todd also meant re-engaging with all the worry, work, and hassle that came with him. Which was a lot more than what I remembered. Just dealing with his family alone was one tremendous headache that I hadn't considered when we reunited. It should have been at the top of my list of concerns. As it turned out, my life had been quiet and peaceful without him and his family in it, but I had forgotten the drama and turmoil that was involved in that whole mess until it was revisited upon me. It wasn't long after we got back together that it all started to fall apart again, but I refused to see it.


Anyway, long story short, Todd accused me of lying to the sheriff about an incident involving his brother's wife, as if I would cover for her...or anyone...but that is all moot now. Needless to say, my conscience wouldn't let me lie for either of them, so I told the truth and let the chips fall where they may. I can live with myself and have no regrets. However, Todd believed I lied. So...I told him that there was no reason for him to stay. He doesn't need to drag himself down by being with a liar, so I let him go...and haven't had a moment of regret since having the realization that I am better off without his fickle affections. The separation this time around took almost as long as it did when we divorced. Funny that it happened in the same months that it did exactly one year before, conveniently around tax time again. Hmmm....makes a person wonder...


Either way, it is over now. I shed tears the morning of my realization that it was over, but not a drop since then. I suspect that he shed none. I'm sure the anger will come in when he realizes that I have no intention of handing cash over to him from the tax return. During our reconciliation, I made a commitment to pay off the trailer he put money down on when he left me the first time. Why I did that I'm not sure. Maybe it was because I didn't want us to be in debt, as we'd worked so hard to pay off everything we owned. I also knew he hadn't made a payment to the little old lady since he first took it, and now it's been a year she's been waiting to be paid off. He left the contact info and contract for the trailer here, so I will be paying it off and simply sending him a receipt for the payment. There will be no cash payment in his hand from me this time around, as I don't trust him to use the money to pay it off. I will have fulfilled my obligation and truly believe I won't lose a moment's sleep over the outcome. When it comes down to it, I think I realize that the trust between us was so far gone from the first time around that I could never get it back. I tried so hard, though... :'(


So, now that toxin is out of my system, I can get back to the goodies. I applied for a job that I really wanted in early January and heard back on the 12th that I got it! Yippee! Of all things, it is actually something in my field...and just a month before my graduation. It couldn't have been timed better. The pay is excellent, the benefits are great, and the work is heaven-sent. There is nothing that could have come my way at this time in my life that would build me up more or make me feel more fulfilled and accomplished. I am so proud and excited to be working full-time with the Western Montana Mental Health Center (WMMHC) in their Eddy Meuchel Group Home (named after Fast Eddy, who died a couple of months ago...aww...)...and sometimes on-call in their newly built Crisis House. The people I work with are fantastic and the clients never fail to make my day. I have enjoyed every moment of the last month working in this new environment and I learn so much every day I'm lucky enough to be there. The time spent away from work doesn't seem to go fast enough sometimes... ;)


As for the rest of my life...well, there for a little bit right after he left things got a little wild. Me and the girls spent some time going out, drinking a bit, dancing a lot...coming home late or not at all. I guess it was just something I had to get out of my system. I have been openly single for a month now, and have had half a dozen dates with three guys. One was a dud from the get-go, but I did end up giving him one of the many puppies of Mariah's that I found homes for. The one he ended up with was the only male, and he named him Jack. I hope that although we didn't hit it off in the romance dept., that he will at least still send pics of Jack now and again so I can keep Mariah's puppy family close...lol. One of the guys I've been spending time with isn't really free. He claims that 'it's complicated,' which means that he's still with his ex...who obviously isn't really the ex...and they've become hopelessly entangled over the years, although he isn't happy, doesn't want to be with her...yada yada yada...blah blah blah...heard it all before. I told him that I'm not going to be the other woman...and that's that. Liars and cheaters are all the same and I want no truck with them. He can deal with it or not. I don't expect to hear anything encouraging on that front. The third one is a real doozy. Met him one night while out dancing. He was the drummer for the band and had one of those cowboy hats with 'attitude' on while he played. Short in stature, but built like a steel safe...mmmm...mmmm...yes. Is a dedicated father, tile layer, and avid bowler who owns a Toyota pickup. Yummy. What a combination. And hot underneath all those clothes to boot. I've imagined myself lying in bed with him some morning listening to him strum his guitar while he composes a song for me....mmmhmmm...man, does that sound nice. Probably pie-in-the-sky imaginings on my part, but a girl can daydream, right...?


Oh yes, and there is the long-time, tried and true, been-there-for-me-since-I-was-13 standby guy from my home state of Texas. I miss him as well. Shit, we practically grew up together. He will be coming up here to see me on the 4th of next month...for a week. I am excited to see him, but also a bit preoccupied. I feel like he has all these huge expectations for me, and I'm not sure that I can meet them. He says he's been waiting our whole lives for me to marry him...but I outgrew him at 15...and I find myself getting irritated and exasperated with him when we talk on the phone. It's like I'm 13 all over again...and it pisses me off sometimes. I know that when we are together it's different, but never for long before I revert to my childish ways. That's why I try to limit our contact to a few days every five years or so...but this time it will be a week...and I don't know if I can make it that long without going off and telling him like it is. I'm grown now...and not a little girl anymore...ugh. Can we get to know one another as adults and come to gain a new respect for where we are and where we want to be? Who the hell knows. I've got to give it a shot.....


Well, I should sit with this for a while...see if I can work through it and come out in a better place...let's cross our fingers and wait in breathless anticipation, shall we?

Man, it's been a long time...

Ok, here it is, days away from the New Year (2011), and I realize its been months and months since I last had anything to say....crap. Well, I've had plenty to say, only its been trapped in my head as a running narrative, sometimes with theme music to fit the situation. Life has certainly been full...and busy...but to find time to postulate, well that is a more complicated expectation that reality, so far, has been unable to support. 

So much has happened, I almost don't know where to start...

On the subject of There have come to be so many people I've had the pleasure to work with over the last few months. Excepting a few brave gentlemen, almost every one a strong and beautiful woman. For one in particular it was rather challenging, considering the proximity and relation. When children are involved it can be even more complicated and fraught with emotion. 

This work is more challenging than any I would have chosen for myself 20 years ago. My priorities have changed, and me with them. I am better than okay with that. I suppose the difference is 20 years ago I couldn't meet my own eyes in the mirror, and today it is by no means easy, but it isn't near as impossible a task as it once was.

Long time, no hear...

So, I realize its been a while and not much heard from me. Inside there has been chaos reigning, while on the outside I fight the battle of my life. Again, so much has changed in as little as a couple of months. If God were ever trying to underline the fact that nothing is permanent except change, He has certainly made his point with me.

Every day is a new day. Some days are better than others, but still one day at a time. Hell, sometimes its a moment by moment battle just to keep choosing to stay in the game.

In the time since I learned why I divorced (around the 12th of May...after my last Census training in Missoula, and after spending two nights with Todd...ugh), it has been a stampede of emotions. What a huge fucking wake up call, to hear that the person you've loved more than life itself has abandoned you and the family for someone else. Even worse, someone who treated him like dirt the first time around, then walked out on him and humiliated him by marrying another, while still claiming to love him deeply. That isn't what you do when you love someone. Learning the worst someone has to share, walking through fire, and sticking by their side no matter what comes out....now that is love.

Learning about the affair, both while we were still supposedly happily married and living together, and after he moved out, but well before the divorce was forced upon me...well, it has been truly a test of the faith I have built in the months since his departure.

The details of it all haunt me...the emails, phone calls, clandestine meetings, texts and pictures...the loving journal entries not directed at me...except mentions of how I was all wrong for him and she was all right...how I was the one in the way of their true love...which God had originally chosen and I was standing in the way of. Thoughts of them touching one another, sharing, being close and intimate in a way that was reserved exclusively for me through the vows we took. It is hard to put everything in its proper context to understand what is truly real in all this. It all haunts me...and may well for years to come. I have gaping wounds in my heart and soul...and the best I can hope for is minimal scarring.

Knowing now why it all happened the way it did does bring with it good. I can look at myself in the mirror, knowing that it was not some terminal flaw within me that pushed him out of our home; that it was something within him that was missing and out of place. I have learned it is okay to be a woman, but better yet, to fully embrace all that is feminine and make it mine. I love myself more than I did the day he left. I cry openly now, and laugh with abandon...feeling guilt over neither.

Another day, another suicide...

This was written January 13th

So things have been quiet since the blowup the other day. Todd's been to a couple of counseling sessions, started taking his antidepressants, and seems to be evening out some. I'm not sure where he's at with anything right now. All I know is what has happened over the last four days or so, and that's that he flipped out, calmed down a bit, and has been kinda quiet and weirdly okay ever since. The two separate counselors that he saw both told him that he should leave the house (the second also told him to remove his guns from the house and leave them with someone he trusts...obviously not me). I told him that he should do what he thinks is best for himself...and that if leaving is what it took to be okay, then by all means, do it. He said he didn't want to, and that he was pushing that option away...which I didn't understand at all. Maybe it's because I reminded him before he went to counseling about the promises he made when he came back into our lives...that he wouldn't run..that he would work things through...that he wouldn't just walk away again without even trying...but I'm beginning to wonder if I didn't do more harm than good by reminding him of such things. Now I can't tell if he's staying because he wants to and is safe and secure here, or if he's staying because he made the commitment to do so. Fuck.

Here we go again...

Just one year ago tomorrow I was filing the paperwork for my divorce. I had spent the month prior to filing in a state of constant fear and anxiety; simply sick at the sound of my phone's ring tone. The place I'm in today is just another shade of a year ago...and it makes me sick to my stomach to even think on it.

I have come so far, and yet feel just like I did on that day so long ago. Scared. Confused. Overwhelmed and unsure how to proceed. I recently interviewed for and got the job of my dreams. I wanted to help people, and now have the opportunity to do that on a daily basis, and at a pay rate that makes it easy to show up in more that just the flesh. I see how easily I will be able to put my heart and soul into this...and it scares me just a bit. Crisis Stabilization Worker. On-call at the moment, but it promises to be oh so much more in the near future. I am excited, and yet anxious. I should be ecstatic to have found a paying job that fits my hopes and dreams so well...and yet, I'm rather subdued about the whole affair. I know that the status of my personal life plays directly into my perception of achieving my dreams. I know that my reaction is not all that it should be, and that I seriously need to reevaluate my purpose in this life and set different priorities. Namely, I need to start looking into my eyes when they meet my reflection in the mirror...and go from there.


It has been deceptively easy to maintain the one constant in my life: truth. I say deceptively because living through the consequences of not bending on that one unfailing value wears me down physically and emotionally. Spiritually, my soul knows that the reward it works for in embracing truth is not of this world, so holding constant  is easy work for the soul, but the heart that surrounds it aches with the pain of sacrifice. I've sacrificed an adopted family that I've loved no matter what they have said or done to me or the kids. We all love them so much, and have suffered when we were cut off from them. They don't seem to see or believe in that love, or want it anywhere near them, so we have to keep our distance. I'm sure that some of their animosity toward me and the kids has to do with the things Todd has told them and the things they have assumed by what he hasn't said or denied. It tears my heart to pieces to think of the moments and memories we've lost, and of those that seem to have no future. The kids are just as devastated over the opportunity for family they feel they've lost, and they struggle with hurt, anger, frustration, disappointment, disillusionment...and the lot. They are afraid to open their hearts again and be vulnerable again to rejection....and I understand that all too well, for I fear the same.


Just two days ago, Todd and I were discussing Clay & Laura's situation. I realize that I never should have gotten involved in their issues, but I also feel that I was forced into doing so. I was pushed by more than one side to communicate and spend 'girl time' with her, and it was inevitable that I get to know her and come to see her as a human being. Just the same, I never asked that Clay be so blatantly explicit in his distaste and apparent lack of desire for keeping Laura around, and that his express goal was to have sole custody of his beautiful baby boy. Unfortunately, I didn't listen to Todd's sage advice to stay away the night after Thanksgiving, and found myself right in the midst of their power struggle to get the upper hand. I can't describe it, but I felt compelled to help because I was explicitly called and asked to do so. How could I refuse to help someone in need? I didn't expect that playing a neutral party would allow myself to be put into a pivotal position of need from both parties. One claiming that violent misdeeds occurred against an innocent child, and the other not really sure what went on in the heat of such high emotional turmoil. Unfortunately for myself, I didn't consider the plight of either party's side and simply stated what I saw from my perspective. End up that Katherine was present that night and simply did the same when questioned by investigators. All of our stories were inconsistent with one another, save for Clay's and Megan's, who were almost exactly the same. Laura herself was unsure of the events, and said so. So....where does that leave us? 

In the end, it seems I am the liar...and Katherine along with me. Katherine has a history of lying...so it must be taken into account. Do I have such a history? I obviously need to examine my own history to see if this is something I have a pattern of doing...

Either way, this whole situation sits unwell with Todd. He has begun to shun communication with his family, supposedly for my benefit. I have no idea how this should benefit me. I suppose if I wanted him to hate my guts, that would be the strategy to use. He went off on me the other morning, calling me a 'lying fucking bitch'...which really boosted my sense of self esteem. I asked what I'd lied about and there were no exact instance forthcoming, however, he did share that 'although I'm not positive of anything specific, I have a feeling I can't put my finger on...'. Further, I am guilty of wanting him to myself exclusively, isolating him and keeping him from all family, friends, acquaintances, extracurricular activities, etc....and this is especially strange. I remember specifically asking him if we could go up to his mom's for Christmas Eve and Christmas Day. I think the real reason he said no and didn't want to go is because he's aware of their distaste for me and he didn't want to force my company on them. He says he knows this hurts me, so he doesn't tell me when they actually ask him to leave me behind, instead he just contrives to do just that...without saying a word to me. It's as if he believes I can't feel their hatred of me. I don't think I'm the center of the world, or alone in feeling they can't stand me...as there are at least three other women involved with this family's men that also fall into that category. I often remember that feeling of relief that came over me when I realized that I was no longer tied to the family after my divorce. That realization improved our relationship dramatically...but now that I've crossed the line and am trying to share a life with a Mathew's boy, I am back on the chopping block.


I love this man. Knowing he withholds from me, distrusts me, and sees me as the enemy is the source of my greatest pain. He promised me when he walked back into my life that he wouldn't hold back any more; that he wouldn't break his promise to me not to run. He told me he loved me and wanted to remarry me because divorcing me had been the biggest mistake of his life. He asked if I would be upset with him if he didn't give up on convincing me to be his wife again. I said no. I wanted him to not give up. To prove that he meant what he said, and would put those words into actions that would leave no doubt as to his love for me. I believed him. I saw him at his worst, his very blackest moments of devastation and destruction to those around him. I saw his pain and need to make amends and embrace genuine love, and I opened my arms to him and cried with him. I eased his way through some of the most difficult and vulnerable moments of his life with soothing words of love and forgiveness, simply because I love him for better/worse, rich/poor, sickness/health...all those vows I took and never let go of...Why would he lie to me? Again. 

Because of this, I don't want to love him. I'm terrified that he will lay waste to my heart and leave behind a shell, unable to receive love without suspicion that it will be fleeting and couldn't possibly last. I want to be free. I want to love me again. More than anyone else. I don't want to be desperate and lonely any more. I deserve better. I am more than just who I choose to be with. I need to be the one I choose to be with....more and more, and let go of what may merely be the illusion of love...and no more than the figment of my overwrought imagination...

Oh, yes! Girlfriends Galore

I am excited and happy to say that my years of self-imposed isolation and self-hatred of my femininity are finally at an end. I am very privileged and grateful to have surrounded myself with a group of strong women. Each of us have our backgrounds and similar stories...and we didn't start out as beautiful and glorious survivors, but it is the place we are moving steadily toward, and together. I couldn't be more blessed. I will be writing about them in the weeks to come and sharing my love of them with the world at large. I couldn't be happier!!! <3333333333333333333!!!

WTF??!! meaningless blow jobs...and finding stillness

Alright, people...I have spent the last five months working until I am exhausted, trying ceaselessly to open my life and bring it back into line with what I have always believed to be true and right. Ugh. I am so tired I can't see straight, which is probably a good thing, considering the warped and twisted world I would view if my sight were spot on....

How is it that the more steadily we work toward something, the farther it seems to get away from us?? I suppose it goes back to making a statement of need or desire, which does nothing more than give weight and credibility to the very lack of that 'something' to which we are wanting so desperately. I know this at the very depth of me, but the 'learning' I have had since birth has taken me so far away from the truth of things that I find I am often lost in trying to blow away the fog that surrounds my remembering of that which I Am. Oh, the circles... 

I have worked all these months to build anew a relationship with the family I thought I once had, then had lost, only to find once again...The very same people who hurt me and my children so mercilessly when they made us believe that we were family turned their back on us the moment Todd walked out. I knew even before he left that they despised us all and used every opportunity to talk us down, not only to outsiders, but also among themselves. Todd even participated and helped to build their resentment of us. Although that isn't the case now, it only serves to make the contrast between now and then even more apparent.

Regardless of the past, which is something I get to find out more about every day...and is something I obviously need to move past...I find that I have a desire to be close to these people and have their approval. The why of it escapes me. It only serves to hurt and disappoint me, this desire...but it is what it is. Before I can move forward, I find that I must purge myself of the past...so here goes nothing:

My mother-in-law once liked me; maybe even loved me. That was a long time ago and didn't last very long. I never did anything to change her feelings for me, but I find that doesn't mean much in the world she inhabits. She has proven herself to be the opposite of everything she says and does. It makes for a difficult, if not impossible, relationship. 

Case in point: About three years ago, she called me up and asked me to fill in for a woman that bowled on her bowling league team. I wasn't crazy about bowling, never having picked it up as a hobby, but was eager to help out in any way I could. I joined her team and felt the unwelcome snub the first time I set foot upon the lanes with her team of friends. I never understood why she and a much younger teammate were always so close and when I would approach they would lean in toward each other and cut me out. I had never met this teammate before and didn't know her from Eve. She seemed nice enough when my MIL wasn't around and I often took the opportunity to create small talk to try to get to know her. 

Once, when she brought a money-making gift booklet to league play, I found a couple of items that I wanted to buy for my son's room and offered to order them with her. I paid the money and she insisted that she deliver them to my home. I was grateful. Still, nothing changed. I was still on the outside without knowing why. This lasted my whole time on the team, which added up to about four months. About a year later, Todd and I rolled on some E together and he got chatty. He let it spill that they had once dated briefly after his mother had pushed them together, although his interest was never very high. He admitted that she pushed for a sexual relationship, and in the end he allowed her to give him a BJ. The relationship petered out after that when he went over the road driving and stopped returning her calls. She wanted a home and family, and he just wasn't into it. Big deal. But this admission explained a lot. It seemed that she never received closure. I could understand that. I told him as much. However, how did this involve me? Why was I the one taking the brunt of her disappointment? Why was his mom involved?

Now, years after the fact, here we are. This person has been telling anyone who will listen that I've always disliked her because of their brief dating history. Easy enough to believe, had I known of it at the time. His mother is also spreading the lie. They are both in on it together. Why? What did I ever do to either of them?

This has also been the case with any female that has endeavored to couple with any of her boys. Not a single one stays in favor for very long. In the end, we all end up on the short end of the stick. I can understand and easily forgive the fact that she believes no one will ever be good enough for her boys, but this creates a trap for unsuspecting women who want to be with her sons. I had removed myself from this trap and was grateful for the reprieve when things crashed and burned between Todd and I, but because of the turn of events, here I am again. What a sticky situation. My gut instinct tells me to run far and fast, and to not make the mistake of looking back. Soddom and Gemorrah come to mind...and a pillar of salt I wish not to be...

I know that the place I have been moving steadily toward has been the right place all along. It is only the nay-saying of others that would have me believe different. There will always be those that operate from a place of fear and lack, and then there will be those that operate on the other end of the scale - from a place of unending love. While I am trying to stay on the latter end, it is difficult not to be tainted with the toxic poison of fear that runs through those we must deal with on a daily basis. How do we move past them? Let our cup runneth over...that is the instinctual answer that comes to mind...God speaking in me and to me. My gut tells me to flood them with love...but how to do that? Should I be literal in my loving actions, such as throwing my arms around them when they push me away? Should I force my love upon them if they profess they want nothing of it or me? or, should I step back and allow them space...and is that the same as giving them rope?...ahhh, the unending questions... to which there are undoubtedly unending answers...if only I can be still and listen...which is the very first task I must undertake with certainty.

A toast to stillness! Let it be the mantra I draw around me as a mantle against all fear, for I shall not run from such fear and have it chase me all to hell and back, but rather turn away from it as a choice...again and again. To love!

Here we go again...

Ok, people, here we go again. Just when I thought  I'd escaped the clutches of my evil ex-mother-in-law...now I'm in a relationship with her son again...and I can't seem to break freeeee....*gasp, choke...*

Is this never going to end? I thought my mom was bad...and that her getting old was the worst thing that could ever happen to our relationship. Until...that is...I noticed that Todd's mom and dad are starting to show the telltale signs of aging and all that comes with it...short memory, difficulty understanding the most basic of concepts, downright resistance to any form of change, negativity, sarcastic cutting little words and statements, sometimes dipped in sugar or smothered in honey, but still the same acid in their bite...being stubborn...grrrrr!!!! and even all this wouldn't matter so much if I didn't have to have a relationship with them...but damn it! here I am again...where I celebrated never having to be again...with shouts, dancing, a blood sacrifice...all those things that villagers once did when the volcano didn't spit fire and rain destruction down on their lives. It's like I want to run outside, shake my fist at the sky, and demand an explanation for this outrage!!


And yet...I know that I love them. Otherwise the things they say and do (and don't do) wouldn't hurt me...so this must mean that I carry some tender feelings for them. Just two three weeks ago, before Sharon went to visit her mother (who she hates for many of the same reasons, btw)...she stuck her nose in Todd's business with Luke about the trailer and forced us to drop everything to run up there and empty it out so he and his new girlfriend and her kids could move in, since they were being evicted from their apt. I was already frustrated with this meddling, but resolved to go up and move the items with as little chit chat as possible and get on our way. When we got there, she was inside the trailer, doing what we were there to do, packing and getting in the way. Before we could leave, she forced me into a discussion with her about what is going on with Todd and I, and her part in it. I wasn't ready for this, knowing we need someone there as a mediator...because she is famous for acting like she understands and everything is great, until you walk away, then it becomes something else all together...and she will hold it against you and make you pay...forever. This time was no different. 

I told her how I felt about her allowing her son to become an adulterer under her own roof, while he pushed me for a divorce...and how she sat at my house on Christmas while he was in her home with his mistress and pretended that everything was normal. Ugh. She had lots of apologies and excuses, but none where she accepted responsibility for allowing and encouraging him in his immoral and outrageous behavior, which hurt numerous people, me and my children included. Too much. The worst part of it died down when Matt showed up, and we concluded our talk not too long after, agreeing that getting together as a family with a spiritual counselor to guide us in forming healthy family communication bonds would be good for all of us. I even sent her a text a couple of hours later, apologizing for the hard moments and hoping that our future together would be brighter. She sent me back a very sweet text, saying she was sorry for so much she didn't understand, and that she was so fortunate to get this second chance with me. It was such a nice thing to hear, I saved it on my phone. Maybe to remember how it all was before she got a good chance to twist it and turn it into something else entirely.

I am undecided if this is a result of her aging process, or if there is something in her that is just dark and ugly. I really don't know. When I look at her, I see loneliness and unhappiness, not darker things...so it is really hard to tell. How can we truly ever know another person, really...? I learned this lesson much too well from her son...and knowing this...I think the answer is....only as well as they want you to...and that's that.

Ugh. Man, do I need some humor or what?! Anyone out there got any for me...? Please?

Sounds of Laughter

Ok, its been a really long time since my last entry, but there's been a heck of a lot of living done in the echo of silence that fell into the void...so here goes.

 I sit at the computer today, giving myself a much needed pedicure and listening to my girls laughing, roughhousing with each other like they haven't done since they were innocent children of 7 or 8. It melts my heart and then expands it so large it barely fits into my chest. Dani answered the house phone an hour or so ago and it was Jessie. He graduates his tech school the 29th of this month and comes home for two weeks before heading off to his new post at Moody AFB in Valdosta, GA. He is excited to come home, and sounds better each time I hear his voice. His eagerness to get home infects Dani and then Kat with joy and they throw insults back and forth like it is Christmas. It is like medicine for me, ridding me of dis-ease and filling me with an eager joy of my own. Jessie talks of wearing his dress blues to the high school to get the girls when he gets home, making such a show of it as he arrives early and requests a visitor pass from the office. I can feel the smile reach my eyes, and know if I looked in the mirror I would see undoubtedly see the sparkle that accompanies it.

I can't wait for Jessie to come home. I know that it will be good, but weird, for him, because he will be leaving again in two weeks for a strange place that will be home for 3 years. I hope this is an excuse for us to fly down and see him often. As much as I had hoped to have my sister in the same area to spend time with, she isn't responding to my emails. After our unfortunate last visit and my emergency flight home, I didn't think I would ever hear from her again. I kept up with my nephew Keith through FB and texting, but didn't hear from her. I just happened to be checking our email one day and she was on, so IMed her, telling her I missed her. She had Bobby call me a few minutes later when she responded that she missed me too and I didn't reply. I talked to them for about 5 minutes, with me on speaker phone so I could hear them both. She sounded surprised that Todd was back, and that I had been keeping up with Keith. I'd never lied to her, and I wasn't about to start now. Megan is pregnant with her first child. I had hoped to get to know the whole family so much better....after all this is my family, right? I have to just breathe and let go. Things will be what they are, unless they are not.

Jon has been back from his new job at Taco del Sol, which moved into the old Banque Club on Main on the 8th, the day after school started. He seems to like his job and is satisfied with his and Dani's purchase of the Honda. He and Dani stayed with friends night before last and came home after Jon's Griz hockey game and meeting. Dani quit Subway last week, and is taking a break between jobs to focus on school. Now that she has the modified schedule ok'ed by her rheumatologist and doesn't have to be at school until 9:45, she seems to have more energy and be in a better mood overall. Josh is still working at Safeway, although is trying his best to transfer up to Missoula. I didn't think Kat would be too happy about that, but she doesn't seem to mind. The two of them pull together, then move apart like the tide. I do what I can to be supportive.

I spent most of yesterday and today cleaning and winnowing my possessions down to only what is needed. There is so much more yet that I could get rid of, but with the truck being in Missoula until Todd returns from Wyoming with the boys,  that may have to wait. As I moved the bed to create more storage, I came across a journal that I hadn't seen for a while. I remembered it was given to me by Elizabeth, the sweet lady from church that waits endlessly for her ex-husband to return...that is a sad, tragic story...but I couldn't remember what I might have written in it. Only one way to find out, right...? So, of course I flipped it open and realized it journaled the weeks leading up to the divorce. There were grief-filled pages that detailed the journey I'd been through. Looking at it now transported me back to that place again, and when I'd finished reading it, I put it away, along with the memories that filled it. 

Not too terribly long after that, I posted a status update on FB that said 'I love my ex-husband. go figure.' Even after everything that has passed and all the truth that has come to light, go figure for sure...I have to speculate that my foray into myself and who I truly am in relation to nothing else but all of life may be at the heart of why I am at this place, and he is by my side. I still find I fear him, but that is natural, and I don't resent him for it. I try to lean into the things that scare me, and sometimes even give it a loving shove. I admit sometimes I have the 'what the hell' attitude, just begging for the worst that creation will throw my way. It is as a challenge, as there is where I shine. I can face the storms. I have fear, it is true. I quake to my marrow with the implications of horrors that must be faced, but tread into that valley of death I do, finding that my heart must be in my feet because they carry me ever forward in the service of love.

There are still days that I catch glimpses of myself and am in awe. What I am today is the distillation of who I was. I am a purer form of me. That is a glorious thing to behold. That doesn't mean that I don't have my flaws, but such mars make my cleaner facets shine with even more brilliance. I didn't truly have a solid sense of who I was (ever...I think), but facing my fears and leaning into them has really given me a good measure of Who I Am, and what the picture looks like of My Most Glorious Self. I am connecting with those around me. Not just people, but life in all forms, and I have come to experience what it is to be God, Creator/UnCreator, Seen/UnSeen. The things we create are magnificent to behold, and I can now see the reason for all that we once knew as 'bad' or 'wrong'. There is a reason for all, and all for a reason, and it is us. In the absence of that which 'is not', that which 'is', is not. I awake, and remember. And still...even with all of this, I have not yet been able to rid myself of humanity long enough to reconnect with our essence. I am irritated and saddened by a few individuals who claim to be Christians and display conduct toward one another most unbecoming of Christ. Ah...mirror, mirror on the wall, do I see Christ in me at all? 

I thought this as I sat in church today and played with the little black baby girl sitting with her daddy in front of me. She was the cutest thing I had ever seen, her little fro as soft as goose down. I encouraged Athena and Isyss, two little girls I watch in Shawna's day care on Fridays now, to share their toys with the little girl, whose name is Amy. Her smile is so big and genuine. Her daddy's name is David, and I noticed them walking over from Stonegate when I parked mom's car. I avoided taking the bike today because of the infernal 'Christians' I inevitably encounter. I met a few other people today, as I sat with Shawna's group, which included Olivia and her children, and I watched as they all played together and learned to experience one another and share. It is something that many adults have a hard time doing. We could learn a lot from children... ;)

Yeah...no. I'm calling bullshit.

5/8/2010

So, I realize its been a while and not much heard from me. Inside there has been chaos reigning, while on the outside I fight the battle of my life. Again, so much has changed in as little as a couple of months. If God were ever trying to underline the fact that nothing is permanent except change, He has certainly made his point with me.

Every day is a new day. Some days are better than others, but still one day at a time. Hell, sometimes its a moment by moment battle just to keep choosing to stay in the game. I had to seriously take a step back today and get a clearer perspective of my life and where its at....

So, I had this day-long regional Auxiliary meeting to attend yesterday. Somehow, some way, I was voted in as regional secretary almost 18 months ago. I am sure my efforts were well-meaning at the time, but my rollercoaster ride of a life during these months was ill-suited to serving a duty term in a volunteer group, no matter how good the intention. My heart and stomach clog my throat as I keep at it, hoping that I can stay on top of the requirements of the position long enough to finish my term without coming off as an incompetent placeholder. After all was said and done, I put together a pretty comprehensive set of simple tasks that will get both I and the organization where they need to be in the next two weeks to meet our next year's goals. It did feel good to be proactive and chase down what was needed, and to stick something out no matter the consequences. Its almost like I'm growing up, but not without the growing pains. Sometimes it smarts quick and deep then fades away, other times it is a dull and roaring ache that will not cease.

It is the same for advocating. I found during the meeting that Patient Advocates in the oncology program are sometimes called Nurse Navigators or Oncology Navigators. Interesting use of language. Navigating information and service channels to outfit patients with everything they need to go through a cancer experience, from testing and diagnosis to treatment and outpatient/inpatient continuum of care seems logical enough. I find that I care a great deal about those for whom I advocate. I've begun working with a lovely mother of four with muscular dystrophy who was recently served with a petition for divorce from her estranged husband. It feels really good to care and support her in gaining knowledge.

From May 12th...on to July:

I find that I am having a difficult time with this whole ex-husband coming back into my life thing. I went from hardly thinking of him at all, except fond memories of better times and the occasional dream/nightmare, to him coming back into almost every waking thought. It is not entirely unpleasant, but it is laced with a healthy dose of fear.

In the time since I learned why I divorced (around the 12th of May...after my last Census training in Missoula...and after spending two gloriously bittersweet nights with Todd...ugh...I am hopeless), it has been a stampede of emotions. What a huge fucking wake up call, to hear that the person you've loved more than life itself has abandoned you and the family for someone else. Even worse, someone who treated him like dirt the first time around by misrepresenting herself, then walked out on him and humiliated him by marrying another, while still claiming to love him deeply. To even share his company now is in violation of the vows she took with another...how can it be love? That isn't what you do when you love someone. Choosing to share your life with someone; walking through the trials by fire, and never letting go - no matter what comes....now that is true love. If you want to know what a tree of life bears, you have only to look at the fruit...


Learning about the affair, both while we were still outwardly happily married and living together, as well as after he moved out, but well before the divorce was forced upon me...well, it has been truly a test of the faith I have built in the months since his departure. The hardest part of finding it out was his deception and violation of my trust, but close on its heels was the pain I felt about his family's part in everything that happened. Excruciating. That family (I had loved so deeply I actually felt physical pain when things were tense between us) could openly deceive us all about the goings on with my own husband was beyond my comprehension. It was as if we were less than nothing...not worthy of consideration or loving kindness. We shared our lives with these people. It wasn't always easy, but we stayed honest and kept trying. Always trying. Although, admittedly with little positive result...but trying nonetheless.

The details of it all haunt me...the emails, phone calls, clandestine meetings, texts and pictures...the loving journal entries not directed at me...except mentions of how I was all wrong for him and she was all right...how I was the one in the way of their true love...which God had originally chosen and I was standing in the way of. Thoughts of them touching one another, sharing, being close and intimate in a way that was reserved exclusively for me through the vows we took. It is hard to put everything in its proper context to understand what is truly real in all this. It all haunts me...and may well for years to come. I have gaping wounds in my heart and soul...and the best I can hope for is minimal scarring.

Knowing now why it all happened the way it did does bring with it good. I can look at myself in the mirror, knowing that it was not some terminal flaw within me that pushed him out of our home; that it was something within him that was missing and out of place. I have learned it is okay to be a woman, but better yet, to fully embrace all that is feminine and make it mine. I love myself more than I did the day he left. I cry openly now, and laugh with abandon...feeling guilt over neither.

Not as it was...

Well now, the whole world has flipped around upside down and all is not as it was...

So much has changed in the three months that passed since the abrupt life change I experienced. I am now a divorced and single woman. Words I had once been afraid to utter aloud...and now I am finding fit me quite well. They evoke mental images of a strong and independent breed, capable of surviving anything life has to throw their way. I meet new people every day that reinforce all the good that life has to offer, and I am thankful that I ended up in this place, no matter what pain I had to go through to reach it.

Funny that my ex let it be known that he would come over to work on my motorcycle now that the season for riding is fast approaching. By the time he actually came over to do it, I had already been riding in the temporary balmy weather of two weeks ago. That day I was surprised to find him standing on the front porch...and not a little unsettled by the idea of his being on the property. I left him to do what he would, and caught up with him only momentarily while he finished up his work before jumping on the bike and riding off to meet my girlfriend Chas at the river.

Even stranger, he called me the next night and blew me away with what he had to say. I sat in stunned silence, unable to form complete thoughts or assemble them into recognizable speech. Once I believe I succumbed to a sob, but it was short lived. I couldn't believe what I was hearing. He was admitting that he rushed and pushed me into the divorce without knowing if it was the right thing...basically that he made a mistake...! What?! Wtf?! He went on to say that he'd tried to put me out of his mind and out of his life, but so far had been unsuccessful...to his consternation and confusion. He didn't sound like he knew for sure exactly what he wanted of me, and I grew more confused as I listened.

By the time our conversation was over, I was thoroughly dazed and confused. It sounded an awful lot like he made a mistake, but wasn't really sure...and now wanted to get back in touch with me, possibly even entangled in my life again, but without making any statements or commitments...and better yet, without breathing a single word of our exchanges to anyone around either of us. Sounds very risque and complicated to me...and not anywhere near what I want for my life. Sure, if I had it my way, I wouldn't be divorced at all....I would be happily married, as I was once before, and this would all be a distant nightmare I'd once had in another life. But, alas, this is the reality and the other is the dream...so, I am stuck with what is in front of me.

I am no longer the person I was...neither the happily married woman, nor the depressed and unsure individual that was my alter ego. I have shed both skins, and now wear something altogether new. I am not entirely happy with this new me, but I am a work in progress. I don't like that I still find some of my worth in the attention the opposite sex shows me, so that is definitely an area I have to work on. At this point, I have attracted the attentions of more than a handful of men, although every single one is a poor fit for me. One or two are not completely unattached...and those that are have other issues to contend with that supercede any relationship building efforts...and even if everything is right on track in those areas, still there has to be an element of attraction, which is harder to find and fit than one would think...ugh.

Well, I will keep moving forward, without putting any focus or energy into trying to replace the marriage that I so miss.......or to go back to something that never existed in the first place. One foot in front of the other, and a smile for the girl I see in the mirror...cuz she deserves kudos for making it through alive and kicking...and in pretty good shape. ;P

Ok, humor: There are days when I want to sit and sing the 'if you're angry and you know it, punch their face' song... -.-

Too Damn Depressing to Read

Today was the day. I went to the final decree hearing and was divorced @ 2pm today. It was a bittersweet experience, at best. I cried through the hearing, then while we waited for our copies. Then again when we went to sign the income tax refund paperwork. What a fucking mess I am today. Completely overwhelmed by the reality of it all. I cannot even conceive of a tomorrow, so I should just lay down and be surprised when it comes anyway.

One good thing did happen today. A random lady that was also divorcing today put her arm around me in an offer of comfort. She then asked if she could give me a hug (to which I, uncharacteristically, said yes) and then held my hand the entire time we waited for our paperwork to be finished. She then gave me a note with her name and phone number on it, saying I should call her later. As I waited outside the church for my bible study group to meet, I called her and we shared some of our pain. I then invited her to come to church with me if she wanted, and she actually said yes. I look forward to seeing her on Sunday, and feel blessed that I made a friend on one of the lowest days of my life. Her comfort made my pain a little less searing and allowed me to get through the rest of the day. Thank God I can now see the beauty in people, where before I would have regarded them with suspicion and wariness.

I don't want to think about what my life will be like without my best friend, my lover, and my fantasy of happily ever after. I want to just put all thoughts out of my mind and focus on absolutely nothing for a while so that I can heal from my wounds. Today the small patch of skin I had grown over my feelings was rudely ripped away, leaving me exposed and raw with emotion. It was awful. I need time, and yet cannot fast-forward myself to that place where everything is less painful.

Fuck it. I'm going to bed to slip into unconsciousness so that I don't have to feel any more for today....

Lessons Learned

Haven't blogged in a while. Suppose I should catch up with things...

Well, the divorce papers were filed last week. It was a tense afternoon, but I kept my shit together long enough to get it done. I spent the next few days getting my life back in order, then spent Friday at a friend's watching movies.

Saturday I received my final decree court date. January 28th. Less than ten days from now I will be divorced for the third time. It gave me pause to stop and reflect on where I am with all that.

In my heart and my mind, I have finally let Todd go. After talking to him at the courthouse, I realized he didn't leave because of anything I did. That was merely the excuse he used to get out the door. He left because he wanted to. He left because he never truly got to a place where he wanted to be here for more than a day at a time, and he was only saying what he needed to and going through the motions because it worked for the moment. I had to realize that he was never in a place where he knew himself well enough to know he couldn't truly be able to love another person for keeps, much less me. I had to stop thinking that I wasn't worthy of his love. That was what was killing me. I kept hanging on to all the things he had said to me over the years, convinced that just because he said the words and mimed the actions to go with them, that they were really true and couldn't just be taken back in an instant. That is like demanding that life be fair. It doesn't fit with reality.

Now that I have made that huge leap, I feel much better. The last two months have been agonizing and devastating. I haven't cried that many tears in the last 15 years put together. I hadn't even believed myself capable of such utter emotion, but there it was, and I couldn't escape it. So, I had to lean into it and just let it reign for as long as it needed to until it played out. It was the best thing I could have done. It has allowed me to come out the other side, shiny and clean with clear eyes like a newborn babe. Since the tears dried up, I have smiled and laughed with more joy than I have in a very long time. I find myself smiling for no reason at all....feeling more feminine....bustin a move to random music...singing along....and just finding joy in tiny everyday things. Everyone else is smiling more too when they see me...even strangers.

The only thing that didn't survive this trial by fire intact was my willingness to remain open to another such relationship. Surely, I am wide open now to love in many forms from family, friends, and even strangers, which is a great blessing. However, I feel myself shutting down in the presence of available men, unable to allow myself to be taken in by their charms, no matter how sincere and I back away at the slightest touch. I notice this withdrawing, and it bothers me. I pray it is a phase I must go through and that it doesn't last. I don't want to be cold and stubbornly independent, unable to give myself over to that kind of love for fear of becoming dependent on another. Ugh! What a way to end up..... 

Well, only time will tell. I am excited about school again, if not so much about the school work...lol. I look forward to beginning my Master's program in October, if for no other reason than to have my education done. The thought of being a licensed addictions counselor has crossed my mind a time or two, but I haven't pursued the idea. I finally finished the Conversations with God book. Damn, it was really good. Life changing, actually. So totally not what I expected, yet so very worth it. It is a recommended read for those who aren't religious, are agnostic, and even for the open atheists. I love how it incorporates physics, science, existential questions, unity, and the meaning and purpose of life into one book without going off the deep end.

Finally, I look forward to the weeks and months ahead. I am excited to see my sister again, whether it is back down in Louisiana or here in Montana. I don't relish the idea of spending the summer down there, since I love spring and summer here so much, but I would do it for her. I also look forward to riding my motorcycle when the weather warms up. I hope to hike, bike, swim, float, fish, hunt crystals, hot spring, and camp well into the fall. I am finally of an age where I have the self-esteem and confidence in my abilities to make the most of my joys and talents, and it feels exhilarating. I haven't felt this free in as long as I can remember, and I will be extra careful not to give it up as I have in the past or again make the mistake of trading it in for a false sense of security and belonging.

Cheers to lessons learned! Onward and upward!

Feathers in the Wind

Well, today was the day. I finally had enough tragedy and tears. Enough hurt and torment. Enough heartbreak and repentance. So, I gave up and gave in....

And now that I have, I've never felt better. More free. Closer to God and more myself than I have in years. I didn't think I could do it, but I guess you never can tell what you are capable of until someone pushes you to your limit. After numerous bullying and threatening texts, I had finally had enough, and I agreed to fill out and sign the divorce papers. It wasn't worth fighting to be with someone who was willing to lie and damage me and my family to get what they want.

I was disappointed and resentful at first that I was stuck, once again, with doing all the work in filing a divorce that I never wanted. But, that has been the role I've willingly accepted in our relationship all along, so I realized that in this it should be no different. I have worked and worked, from the day we met, to bring us together against insurmountable odds, and move us forward through a life fraught with obstacles that would crush a lesser person. There wasn't anything I didn't do for him, including encouraging him to think only of himself. I should regret that I did, but I don't and never will. Love means nothing until it is given away freely.

There were times along the way that I was convinced that he'd found someone else. Even if it were true, it wouldn't have mattered to me. I was willing to work through anything. In the end, I kept my dignity and never said those words to him. Instead, I let him go. I figured if there was someone else, then that is something that he will have to live with. The secrets he kept from me, and from himself, are a matter that is best left between him and God.

I am free to worship God in the way I was born to, and can now lay myself down at night in peace, knowing that I gave it my all, and forgave everything. All my regrets are gone, like feathers carried away in the wind.

A Whole Person

I tried desperately to sleep in today, and managed no more than 7:45. Crap. It would have been nice to lay around until 10...but that was not to be. Sooo....I got up, made coffee, and tried to watch The Goods. It was crap...mildy funny crap, but crap nonetheless. The kids eventually got up, then we spent  the day watching all the movies I rented again. When I had laid around long enough, and couldn't stand the smell of the kids burning garlic and steaks in the kitchen, I got my snow boots on and dressed for a walk with Gabby.

Because of the cold snap, I hadn't been walking in a couple of days, and it felt long overdue. Before I had made it a full block, I was starting to get warm enough in my jacket to sweat. By about four blocks, I took the jacket off and slung it over my shoulder. Gabby was ready and excited to get to the park, as it signals at least a half hour of freedom and exploring for her away from the prison of home and her fenced-in yard.

As I came down the hill into the park, there were a couple of other people there with their dogs. As I passed an older gentleman with a dog about the size and shape of Gabby, I looked up to say hello and realized I knew him. His name is Mike, and he lives in the same apartments where James lives. He had signed up to ride the Maulers bus with me and Todd to a couple of hockey games back in November. As we talked on the bus, he had offered to pay me to come over and show him how to use his computer to send pics over the internet, and I had even taken some of our yard eggs and left them on his doorstep a couple of times when I went to visit James. When we realized we knew each other, we both stopped and gave one another a hug. He told me he had just today adopted the dog he had, and hadn't even given him a name yet. It was nice to run into someone I knew and had liked so much. We talked about his computer, the weather, movies, and hiking. Before I left him to hit the trail, I gave him my number and asked him to call me about the computer, and he said he would.

It felt really good to stretch my legs. The only thing I don't like about winter is all the time spent inside because of the weather. Cabin fever sets in after just a few days, so you can imagine what it's like after a few weeks. To break up the boredom, I like to drive up to the places I usually only hike in the spring and summer, like Roaring Lion. It seems like it would be treacherous in this weather, but the footfalls of others before me are pretty clear on the trail, which makes the going much easier. Besides, there is this hush in a forest covered in snow that can't be found anywhere else. The quiet is so pure, and even the sound of snow falling from branches overhead is muffled and muted. Still, I look forward to the budding of spring. I can't wait to get back outdoors again, hiking the mountains and floating the river. I think this is the year that I will spend more time in the outdoors than I will indoors.

Nothing has brought me peace in my times of struggle over the last couple of months more than walking. While I was in rehab, I walked the quarter-mile track out back, and took in the mountains, stars, and a grand view of Our Lady of the Rockies. When I got home, I started walking across town, and have now taken to going to the trails along the river. It has become a form of meditation for me, and easily allows me to sort through my thoughts and put them aside for a while as I listen, touch, smell, and see the glorious world of creation around me. Feeling the growing strength in my legs, and the balance in my feet and ankles is a joy without compare. After the years spent not walking and in constant pain after my accident and surgeries, I am so thankful that I can walk pain-free again. This is the first time in years I have felt like a whole person, and I thank God every moment of every day.

Memorable movie line of the day:

"I'm gonna punch you in the ovary, that's what I'm gonna do. A straight shot. Right to the babymaker." (Will Ferrell, Anchorman)