So, I realize its been a while and not much heard from me. Inside there has been chaos reigning, while on the outside I fight the battle of my life. Again, so much has changed in as little as a couple of months. If God were ever trying to underline the fact that nothing is permanent except change, He has certainly made his point with me.
Every day is a new day. Some days are better than others, but still one day at a time. Hell, sometimes its a moment by moment battle just to keep choosing to stay in the game.
In the time since I learned why I divorced (around the 12th of May...after my last Census training in Missoula, and after spending two nights with Todd...ugh), it has been a stampede of emotions. What a huge fucking wake up call, to hear that the person you've loved more than life itself has abandoned you and the family for someone else. Even worse, someone who treated him like dirt the first time around, then walked out on him and humiliated him by marrying another, while still claiming to love him deeply. That isn't what you do when you love someone. Learning the worst someone has to share, walking through fire, and sticking by their side no matter what comes out....now that is love.
Learning about the affair, both while we were still supposedly happily married and living together, and after he moved out, but well before the divorce was forced upon me...well, it has been truly a test of the faith I have built in the months since his departure.
The details of it all haunt me...the emails, phone calls, clandestine meetings, texts and pictures...the loving journal entries not directed at me...except mentions of how I was all wrong for him and she was all right...how I was the one in the way of their true love...which God had originally chosen and I was standing in the way of. Thoughts of them touching one another, sharing, being close and intimate in a way that was reserved exclusively for me through the vows we took. It is hard to put everything in its proper context to understand what is truly real in all this. It all haunts me...and may well for years to come. I have gaping wounds in my heart and soul...and the best I can hope for is minimal scarring.
Knowing now why it all happened the way it did does bring with it good. I can look at myself in the mirror, knowing that it was not some terminal flaw within me that pushed him out of our home; that it was something within him that was missing and out of place. I have learned it is okay to be a woman, but better yet, to fully embrace all that is feminine and make it mine. I love myself more than I did the day he left. I cry openly now, and laugh with abandon...feeling guilt over neither.
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