I spent last night trying to pull the threads of my life back together. Somewhere along the way there became a snag and now the threads have pulled loose and are creating havoc in my well-ordered world. I have decided that remaining single is my best option, yet I find myself having inconvenient and unwanted feelings of being attached to another. Wasn't I just attached to another not that long ago? Did it not work out? What did I come away from it learning? In my low moments, I fear I have learned nothing at all and am fated to walk the same path over and over again into all my future existences.
Regardless, I put my foot down on with the one that isn't free. I told him that I can't see him any more and won't until he has tied up his loose ends and pulled his head out of his ass. He tried to tell me that he can 'imagine himself falling in love with me.' WTF does that mean, anyway? Sweet words and promises are meaningless to me, and imaginings hold even less worth. Case in point: I can't even begin to picture myself living a life with him. I mean, what would that look like? He doesn't share his home life with me, and I am not encouraged to share mine with him. Sharing of our deepest desires is pie-in-the sky daydreaming, the kind of which I can do with just about anyone, provided I feel they are sincere about hearing what I hope to achieve from this existence. I am all ok with that, but even I realize that to continue with him I would become a phantom in my own reality, unable to see my reflection as I pass mirrors and windows in his home coming to believing that everyone whose eyes alight upon me can see the scarlet 'A' emblazoned across my breast and will know that I am nothing more than a harlot, a mistress, the 'other woman.' Ok, pretty melodramatic imaginings, but still...what a way to exist. And to know that I am no better than the ex-wife who conspired with my husband to carry on just such an affair...well, that is truly effed up. What will I end up believing about myself? Where would it all end? At the end of a gun barrel, like it did with LaBecka when Todd made the same mistake? Man, I don't want to go down that road if I can at all avoid it..........so if I want to stay sane and breathing, I need to pull back and let go.
Now...with the drummer. Oh, my....well, that may be a different story. He is certainly very free and willing. He said as much when we last spoke, and how could I not believe him with that deep and sultry voice saying the very words I so wanted to hear....Mmmm...damn. An opportunity like that is hard to pass up, especially when he keeps sending me such delicious pics of himself doing the things he does best (playing guitar, wearing his cowboy hat, at work, getting ready...Mmmmhmm...). I flush and notice I'm smiling each time I get one and I practically beg for the next pic. Thank goodness he isn't shy in front of the camera. Wonder if he'd let me take some... -.- ... At this point, our biggest concern is determining compatibility, and so far we haven't found any areas where we conflict. The only area of concern I still harbor revolves around meeting his rather large and well-established family. I so don't have experience at being 'normal' around people...ugh.
Makes me think of this joke:
"There is a normal person in our house." *whispers...'Someone call 911.'*
or: My therapist met us today. It's probably not too far-fetched to guess I'm in trouble from here on out...
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