Yes, it's me, and I'm back. Finally. After all the soul-searching, digging deep, and cleaning out my closets, here I stand...ready to face the world as an individual. Probably for the first time ever. I can't remember a time when I've stood alone. And liked it. Hell, loved it.
But as I said, here I am...and it is scary...but glorious...and soooo freeing...
Ok, obviously a lot has changed. Re-engaging with Todd also meant re-engaging with all the worry, work, and hassle that came with him. Which was a lot more than what I remembered. Just dealing with his family alone was one tremendous headache that I hadn't considered when we reunited. It should have been at the top of my list of concerns. As it turned out, my life had been quiet and peaceful without him and his family in it, but I had forgotten the drama and turmoil that was involved in that whole mess until it was revisited upon me. It wasn't long after we got back together that it all started to fall apart again, but I refused to see it.
Anyway, long story short, Todd accused me of lying to the sheriff about an incident involving his brother's wife, as if I would cover for her...or anyone...but that is all moot now. Needless to say, my conscience wouldn't let me lie for either of them, so I told the truth and let the chips fall where they may. I can live with myself and have no regrets. However, Todd believed I lied. So...I told him that there was no reason for him to stay. He doesn't need to drag himself down by being with a liar, so I let him go...and haven't had a moment of regret since having the realization that I am better off without his fickle affections. The separation this time around took almost as long as it did when we divorced. Funny that it happened in the same months that it did exactly one year before, conveniently around tax time again. Hmmm....makes a person wonder...
Either way, it is over now. I shed tears the morning of my realization that it was over, but not a drop since then. I suspect that he shed none. I'm sure the anger will come in when he realizes that I have no intention of handing cash over to him from the tax return. During our reconciliation, I made a commitment to pay off the trailer he put money down on when he left me the first time. Why I did that I'm not sure. Maybe it was because I didn't want us to be in debt, as we'd worked so hard to pay off everything we owned. I also knew he hadn't made a payment to the little old lady since he first took it, and now it's been a year she's been waiting to be paid off. He left the contact info and contract for the trailer here, so I will be paying it off and simply sending him a receipt for the payment. There will be no cash payment in his hand from me this time around, as I don't trust him to use the money to pay it off. I will have fulfilled my obligation and truly believe I won't lose a moment's sleep over the outcome. When it comes down to it, I think I realize that the trust between us was so far gone from the first time around that I could never get it back. I tried so hard, though... :'(
So, now that toxin is out of my system, I can get back to the goodies. I applied for a job that I really wanted in early January and heard back on the 12th that I got it! Yippee! Of all things, it is actually something in my field...and just a month before my graduation. It couldn't have been timed better. The pay is excellent, the benefits are great, and the work is heaven-sent. There is nothing that could have come my way at this time in my life that would build me up more or make me feel more fulfilled and accomplished. I am so proud and excited to be working full-time with the Western Montana Mental Health Center (WMMHC) in their Eddy Meuchel Group Home (named after Fast Eddy, who died a couple of months ago...aww...)...and sometimes on-call in their newly built Crisis House. The people I work with are fantastic and the clients never fail to make my day. I have enjoyed every moment of the last month working in this new environment and I learn so much every day I'm lucky enough to be there. The time spent away from work doesn't seem to go fast enough sometimes... ;)
As for the rest of my life...well, there for a little bit right after he left things got a little wild. Me and the girls spent some time going out, drinking a bit, dancing a lot...coming home late or not at all. I guess it was just something I had to get out of my system. I have been openly single for a month now, and have had half a dozen dates with three guys. One was a dud from the get-go, but I did end up giving him one of the many puppies of Mariah's that I found homes for. The one he ended up with was the only male, and he named him Jack. I hope that although we didn't hit it off in the romance dept., that he will at least still send pics of Jack now and again so I can keep Mariah's puppy family close...lol. One of the guys I've been spending time with isn't really free. He claims that 'it's complicated,' which means that he's still with his ex...who obviously isn't really the ex...and they've become hopelessly entangled over the years, although he isn't happy, doesn't want to be with her...yada yada yada...blah blah blah...heard it all before. I told him that I'm not going to be the other woman...and that's that. Liars and cheaters are all the same and I want no truck with them. He can deal with it or not. I don't expect to hear anything encouraging on that front. The third one is a real doozy. Met him one night while out dancing. He was the drummer for the band and had one of those cowboy hats with 'attitude' on while he played. Short in stature, but built like a steel safe...mmmm...mmmm...yes. Is a dedicated father, tile layer, and avid bowler who owns a Toyota pickup. Yummy. What a combination. And hot underneath all those clothes to boot. I've imagined myself lying in bed with him some morning listening to him strum his guitar while he composes a song for me....mmmhmmm...man, does that sound nice. Probably pie-in-the-sky imaginings on my part, but a girl can daydream, right...?
Oh yes, and there is the long-time, tried and true, been-there-for-me-since-I-was-13 standby guy from my home state of Texas. I miss him as well. Shit, we practically grew up together. He will be coming up here to see me on the 4th of next month...for a week. I am excited to see him, but also a bit preoccupied. I feel like he has all these huge expectations for me, and I'm not sure that I can meet them. He says he's been waiting our whole lives for me to marry him...but I outgrew him at 15...and I find myself getting irritated and exasperated with him when we talk on the phone. It's like I'm 13 all over again...and it pisses me off sometimes. I know that when we are together it's different, but never for long before I revert to my childish ways. That's why I try to limit our contact to a few days every five years or so...but this time it will be a week...and I don't know if I can make it that long without going off and telling him like it is. I'm grown now...and not a little girl anymore...ugh. Can we get to know one another as adults and come to gain a new respect for where we are and where we want to be? Who the hell knows. I've got to give it a shot.....
Well, I should sit with this for a while...see if I can work through it and come out in a better place...let's cross our fingers and wait in breathless anticipation, shall we?
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