Alright, people...I have spent the last five months working until I am exhausted, trying ceaselessly to open my life and bring it back into line with what I have always believed to be true and right. Ugh. I am so tired I can't see straight, which is probably a good thing, considering the warped and twisted world I would view if my sight were spot on....
How is it that the more steadily we work toward something, the farther it seems to get away from us?? I suppose it goes back to making a statement of need or desire, which does nothing more than give weight and credibility to the very lack of that 'something' to which we are wanting so desperately. I know this at the very depth of me, but the 'learning' I have had since birth has taken me so far away from the truth of things that I find I am often lost in trying to blow away the fog that surrounds my remembering of that which I Am. Oh, the circles...
I have worked all these months to build anew a relationship with the family I thought I once had, then had lost, only to find once again...The very same people who hurt me and my children so mercilessly when they made us believe that we were family turned their back on us the moment Todd walked out. I knew even before he left that they despised us all and used every opportunity to talk us down, not only to outsiders, but also among themselves. Todd even participated and helped to build their resentment of us. Although that isn't the case now, it only serves to make the contrast between now and then even more apparent.
Regardless of the past, which is something I get to find out more about every day...and is something I obviously need to move past...I find that I have a desire to be close to these people and have their approval. The why of it escapes me. It only serves to hurt and disappoint me, this desire...but it is what it is. Before I can move forward, I find that I must purge myself of the past...so here goes nothing:
My mother-in-law once liked me; maybe even loved me. That was a long time ago and didn't last very long. I never did anything to change her feelings for me, but I find that doesn't mean much in the world she inhabits. She has proven herself to be the opposite of everything she says and does. It makes for a difficult, if not impossible, relationship.
Case in point: About three years ago, she called me up and asked me to fill in for a woman that bowled on her bowling league team. I wasn't crazy about bowling, never having picked it up as a hobby, but was eager to help out in any way I could. I joined her team and felt the unwelcome snub the first time I set foot upon the lanes with her team of friends. I never understood why she and a much younger teammate were always so close and when I would approach they would lean in toward each other and cut me out. I had never met this teammate before and didn't know her from Eve. She seemed nice enough when my MIL wasn't around and I often took the opportunity to create small talk to try to get to know her.
Once, when she brought a money-making gift booklet to league play, I found a couple of items that I wanted to buy for my son's room and offered to order them with her. I paid the money and she insisted that she deliver them to my home. I was grateful. Still, nothing changed. I was still on the outside without knowing why. This lasted my whole time on the team, which added up to about four months. About a year later, Todd and I rolled on some E together and he got chatty. He let it spill that they had once dated briefly after his mother had pushed them together, although his interest was never very high. He admitted that she pushed for a sexual relationship, and in the end he allowed her to give him a BJ. The relationship petered out after that when he went over the road driving and stopped returning her calls. She wanted a home and family, and he just wasn't into it. Big deal. But this admission explained a lot. It seemed that she never received closure. I could understand that. I told him as much. However, how did this involve me? Why was I the one taking the brunt of her disappointment? Why was his mom involved?
Now, years after the fact, here we are. This person has been telling anyone who will listen that I've always disliked her because of their brief dating history. Easy enough to believe, had I known of it at the time. His mother is also spreading the lie. They are both in on it together. Why? What did I ever do to either of them?
This has also been the case with any female that has endeavored to couple with any of her boys. Not a single one stays in favor for very long. In the end, we all end up on the short end of the stick. I can understand and easily forgive the fact that she believes no one will ever be good enough for her boys, but this creates a trap for unsuspecting women who want to be with her sons. I had removed myself from this trap and was grateful for the reprieve when things crashed and burned between Todd and I, but because of the turn of events, here I am again. What a sticky situation. My gut instinct tells me to run far and fast, and to not make the mistake of looking back. Soddom and Gemorrah come to mind...and a pillar of salt I wish not to be...
I know that the place I have been moving steadily toward has been the right place all along. It is only the nay-saying of others that would have me believe different. There will always be those that operate from a place of fear and lack, and then there will be those that operate on the other end of the scale - from a place of unending love. While I am trying to stay on the latter end, it is difficult not to be tainted with the toxic poison of fear that runs through those we must deal with on a daily basis. How do we move past them? Let our cup runneth over...that is the instinctual answer that comes to mind...God speaking in me and to me. My gut tells me to flood them with love...but how to do that? Should I be literal in my loving actions, such as throwing my arms around them when they push me away? Should I force my love upon them if they profess they want nothing of it or me? or, should I step back and allow them space...and is that the same as giving them rope?...ahhh, the unending questions... to which there are undoubtedly unending answers...if only I can be still and listen...which is the very first task I must undertake with certainty.
A toast to stillness! Let it be the mantra I draw around me as a mantle against all fear, for I shall not run from such fear and have it chase me all to hell and back, but rather turn away from it as a choice...again and again. To love!
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