Ok, its been a really long time since my last entry, but there's been a heck of a lot of living done in the echo of silence that fell into the void...so here goes.
I sit at the computer today, giving myself a much needed pedicure and listening to my girls laughing, roughhousing with each other like they haven't done since they were innocent children of 7 or 8. It melts my heart and then expands it so large it barely fits into my chest. Dani answered the house phone an hour or so ago and it was Jessie. He graduates his tech school the 29th of this month and comes home for two weeks before heading off to his new post at Moody AFB in Valdosta, GA. He is excited to come home, and sounds better each time I hear his voice. His eagerness to get home infects Dani and then Kat with joy and they throw insults back and forth like it is Christmas. It is like medicine for me, ridding me of dis-ease and filling me with an eager joy of my own. Jessie talks of wearing his dress blues to the high school to get the girls when he gets home, making such a show of it as he arrives early and requests a visitor pass from the office. I can feel the smile reach my eyes, and know if I looked in the mirror I would see undoubtedly see the sparkle that accompanies it.
I can't wait for Jessie to come home. I know that it will be good, but weird, for him, because he will be leaving again in two weeks for a strange place that will be home for 3 years. I hope this is an excuse for us to fly down and see him often. As much as I had hoped to have my sister in the same area to spend time with, she isn't responding to my emails. After our unfortunate last visit and my emergency flight home, I didn't think I would ever hear from her again. I kept up with my nephew Keith through FB and texting, but didn't hear from her. I just happened to be checking our email one day and she was on, so IMed her, telling her I missed her. She had Bobby call me a few minutes later when she responded that she missed me too and I didn't reply. I talked to them for about 5 minutes, with me on speaker phone so I could hear them both. She sounded surprised that Todd was back, and that I had been keeping up with Keith. I'd never lied to her, and I wasn't about to start now. Megan is pregnant with her first child. I had hoped to get to know the whole family so much better....after all this is my family, right? I have to just breathe and let go. Things will be what they are, unless they are not.
Jon has been back from his new job at Taco del Sol, which moved into the old Banque Club on Main on the 8th, the day after school started. He seems to like his job and is satisfied with his and Dani's purchase of the Honda. He and Dani stayed with friends night before last and came home after Jon's Griz hockey game and meeting. Dani quit Subway last week, and is taking a break between jobs to focus on school. Now that she has the modified schedule ok'ed by her rheumatologist and doesn't have to be at school until 9:45, she seems to have more energy and be in a better mood overall. Josh is still working at Safeway, although is trying his best to transfer up to Missoula. I didn't think Kat would be too happy about that, but she doesn't seem to mind. The two of them pull together, then move apart like the tide. I do what I can to be supportive.
I spent most of yesterday and today cleaning and winnowing my possessions down to only what is needed. There is so much more yet that I could get rid of, but with the truck being in Missoula until Todd returns from Wyoming with the boys, that may have to wait. As I moved the bed to create more storage, I came across a journal that I hadn't seen for a while. I remembered it was given to me by Elizabeth, the sweet lady from church that waits endlessly for her ex-husband to return...that is a sad, tragic story...but I couldn't remember what I might have written in it. Only one way to find out, right...? So, of course I flipped it open and realized it journaled the weeks leading up to the divorce. There were grief-filled pages that detailed the journey I'd been through. Looking at it now transported me back to that place again, and when I'd finished reading it, I put it away, along with the memories that filled it.
Not too terribly long after that, I posted a status update on FB that said 'I love my ex-husband. go figure.' Even after everything that has passed and all the truth that has come to light, go figure for sure...I have to speculate that my foray into myself and who I truly am in relation to nothing else but all of life may be at the heart of why I am at this place, and he is by my side. I still find I fear him, but that is natural, and I don't resent him for it. I try to lean into the things that scare me, and sometimes even give it a loving shove. I admit sometimes I have the 'what the hell' attitude, just begging for the worst that creation will throw my way. It is as a challenge, as there is where I shine. I can face the storms. I have fear, it is true. I quake to my marrow with the implications of horrors that must be faced, but tread into that valley of death I do, finding that my heart must be in my feet because they carry me ever forward in the service of love.
There are still days that I catch glimpses of myself and am in awe. What I am today is the distillation of who I was. I am a purer form of me. That is a glorious thing to behold. That doesn't mean that I don't have my flaws, but such mars make my cleaner facets shine with even more brilliance. I didn't truly have a solid sense of who I was (ever...I think), but facing my fears and leaning into them has really given me a good measure of Who I Am, and what the picture looks like of My Most Glorious Self. I am connecting with those around me. Not just people, but life in all forms, and I have come to experience what it is to be God, Creator/UnCreator, Seen/UnSeen. The things we create are magnificent to behold, and I can now see the reason for all that we once knew as 'bad' or 'wrong'. There is a reason for all, and all for a reason, and it is us. In the absence of that which 'is not', that which 'is', is not. I awake, and remember. And still...even with all of this, I have not yet been able to rid myself of humanity long enough to reconnect with our essence. I am irritated and saddened by a few individuals who claim to be Christians and display conduct toward one another most unbecoming of Christ. Ah...mirror, mirror on the wall, do I see Christ in me at all?
I thought this as I sat in church today and played with the little black baby girl sitting with her daddy in front of me. She was the cutest thing I had ever seen, her little fro as soft as goose down. I encouraged Athena and Isyss, two little girls I watch in Shawna's day care on Fridays now, to share their toys with the little girl, whose name is Amy. Her smile is so big and genuine. Her daddy's name is David, and I noticed them walking over from Stonegate when I parked mom's car. I avoided taking the bike today because of the infernal 'Christians' I inevitably encounter. I met a few other people today, as I sat with Shawna's group, which included Olivia and her children, and I watched as they all played together and learned to experience one another and share. It is something that many adults have a hard time doing. We could learn a lot from children... ;)
I can't wait for Jessie to come home. I know that it will be good, but weird, for him, because he will be leaving again in two weeks for a strange place that will be home for 3 years. I hope this is an excuse for us to fly down and see him often. As much as I had hoped to have my sister in the same area to spend time with, she isn't responding to my emails. After our unfortunate last visit and my emergency flight home, I didn't think I would ever hear from her again. I kept up with my nephew Keith through FB and texting, but didn't hear from her. I just happened to be checking our email one day and she was on, so IMed her, telling her I missed her. She had Bobby call me a few minutes later when she responded that she missed me too and I didn't reply. I talked to them for about 5 minutes, with me on speaker phone so I could hear them both. She sounded surprised that Todd was back, and that I had been keeping up with Keith. I'd never lied to her, and I wasn't about to start now. Megan is pregnant with her first child. I had hoped to get to know the whole family so much better....after all this is my family, right? I have to just breathe and let go. Things will be what they are, unless they are not.
Jon has been back from his new job at Taco del Sol, which moved into the old Banque Club on Main on the 8th, the day after school started. He seems to like his job and is satisfied with his and Dani's purchase of the Honda. He and Dani stayed with friends night before last and came home after Jon's Griz hockey game and meeting. Dani quit Subway last week, and is taking a break between jobs to focus on school. Now that she has the modified schedule ok'ed by her rheumatologist and doesn't have to be at school until 9:45, she seems to have more energy and be in a better mood overall. Josh is still working at Safeway, although is trying his best to transfer up to Missoula. I didn't think Kat would be too happy about that, but she doesn't seem to mind. The two of them pull together, then move apart like the tide. I do what I can to be supportive.
I spent most of yesterday and today cleaning and winnowing my possessions down to only what is needed. There is so much more yet that I could get rid of, but with the truck being in Missoula until Todd returns from Wyoming with the boys, that may have to wait. As I moved the bed to create more storage, I came across a journal that I hadn't seen for a while. I remembered it was given to me by Elizabeth, the sweet lady from church that waits endlessly for her ex-husband to return...that is a sad, tragic story...but I couldn't remember what I might have written in it. Only one way to find out, right...? So, of course I flipped it open and realized it journaled the weeks leading up to the divorce. There were grief-filled pages that detailed the journey I'd been through. Looking at it now transported me back to that place again, and when I'd finished reading it, I put it away, along with the memories that filled it.
Not too terribly long after that, I posted a status update on FB that said 'I love my ex-husband. go figure.' Even after everything that has passed and all the truth that has come to light, go figure for sure...I have to speculate that my foray into myself and who I truly am in relation to nothing else but all of life may be at the heart of why I am at this place, and he is by my side. I still find I fear him, but that is natural, and I don't resent him for it. I try to lean into the things that scare me, and sometimes even give it a loving shove. I admit sometimes I have the 'what the hell' attitude, just begging for the worst that creation will throw my way. It is as a challenge, as there is where I shine. I can face the storms. I have fear, it is true. I quake to my marrow with the implications of horrors that must be faced, but tread into that valley of death I do, finding that my heart must be in my feet because they carry me ever forward in the service of love.
There are still days that I catch glimpses of myself and am in awe. What I am today is the distillation of who I was. I am a purer form of me. That is a glorious thing to behold. That doesn't mean that I don't have my flaws, but such mars make my cleaner facets shine with even more brilliance. I didn't truly have a solid sense of who I was (ever...I think), but facing my fears and leaning into them has really given me a good measure of Who I Am, and what the picture looks like of My Most Glorious Self. I am connecting with those around me. Not just people, but life in all forms, and I have come to experience what it is to be God, Creator/UnCreator, Seen/UnSeen. The things we create are magnificent to behold, and I can now see the reason for all that we once knew as 'bad' or 'wrong'. There is a reason for all, and all for a reason, and it is us. In the absence of that which 'is not', that which 'is', is not. I awake, and remember. And still...even with all of this, I have not yet been able to rid myself of humanity long enough to reconnect with our essence. I am irritated and saddened by a few individuals who claim to be Christians and display conduct toward one another most unbecoming of Christ. Ah...mirror, mirror on the wall, do I see Christ in me at all?
I thought this as I sat in church today and played with the little black baby girl sitting with her daddy in front of me. She was the cutest thing I had ever seen, her little fro as soft as goose down. I encouraged Athena and Isyss, two little girls I watch in Shawna's day care on Fridays now, to share their toys with the little girl, whose name is Amy. Her smile is so big and genuine. Her daddy's name is David, and I noticed them walking over from Stonegate when I parked mom's car. I avoided taking the bike today because of the infernal 'Christians' I inevitably encounter. I met a few other people today, as I sat with Shawna's group, which included Olivia and her children, and I watched as they all played together and learned to experience one another and share. It is something that many adults have a hard time doing. We could learn a lot from children... ;)
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