As I look back on my last blog entry, I think to myself.....crap, I should go back and read these more often. If I had, then how I feel today would be no surprise. I thought of this as I listened to Daughtry's 'No Surprise' and realized that it really is no surprise. I mean, I can act like it is, but in all reality....it isn't.
Alas, I'm in the same place I was three months ago. Six months ago. Eight months ago. As far back as I go, I see I'm still standing in the same spot. I haven't moved an inch. What does this say for my lifetime need for growth, for spiritual and emotional maturity...which requires painful sacrifice. For what growth comes without pain, and although there has been much pain, most of it has been self-inflicted. I caught myself tonight looking toward astrology for understanding. Of what, I have no idea. Today is Brad's birthday. What does that mean to me? Not much. Except I caught myself thinking that I could look up his sign in an effort to try to understand what manner of forces are at work within him. I know, I know. It's silly. But at the same time, astrology tends to point toward some pretty strong character traits in those around me, so I don't find it as farfetched as some...but I also don't lend more credence to it than it deserves. His sign's reading didn't really tell me anything I didn't already know. That's pretty much how it goes with just about every source of input...because at the core of me that is God, I already have all the answers. I just need to remember them. Sometimes it takes the smallest, and silliest, things to jog my memories.
And that makes me think of Kat. Which both makes me angry, and makes me sad. And happy. But then angry and sad all over again. I know. It doesn't make sense. It would if I explained the events of the last month...
Kat ran away last month one night after I left for work. I called the sheriff. She was found at Kiwanis Park by that next afternoon. Fast forward a month. She'd been having a harder and harder time keeping herself out of trouble. She was stealing money and drugs, going from guy to guy almost on a daily basis. She changed friends so often I couldn't keep up with all their names and some of them I never saw their faces. I started taking her to work with me and making her sleep in the car. I couldn't trust her at home and she was fighting with mom and Dani & Jon more and more. I had to start locking my door or sleeping on my purse if I left it unlocked. I never knew what to expect any more.
I brought her to work with me on my first night of work week before last (the 10th) after cleaning Heather's home for some much needed $ (after Jessie had cleaned out my bank account....again. A story for another time...), and within an hour of arriving she had disappeared. She led us a merry chase around town for a couple of days before lying her way into a ride to Ogden, Utah with Joshua Bumgarner. Poor kid. He didn't realize what he was in for. She put him through 48 hours of holy hell, ending with her bunking at some unknown guy's house and taking a handful of pills and smoking so much pot she was puking her guts up while he was freaked out of his mind. When he suggested that she return home before something really bad happened, she punched him in the face for his concern. Thank goodness he finally came to his senses and turned her into the authorities, who promptly picked her up and arrested her new housemates (turns out the group she'd made fast friends with had warrants...hmmm) on Sunday the 14th. She now resides in the Webber Detention Center in Ogden. Upon her return, which at this date hasn't been determined, she has pending charges for theft of money and prescription drugs from Heather the night we cleaned. Ugh. At this point, she's refused to sign the consent form to return home. A runaway that doesn't want to go home. Go figure.
At this point, I don't want her home. It's a much more peaceful place without her. The constant drama and crisis is no more. I don't have to hide my valuables. I can breathe. It feels good. I mean, sure....the thing with Brad eats at me...but I can overcome that with enough time. Right? :/
Sunday, August 21, 2011
Friday, June 24, 2011
What the Day Holds
June 19 ~
"Where the hell are we NOW?!" Ugh. I can feel the dolby surround sound echoing those words into the silence as I contemplate the clusterfuck that is my personal inventory. I sit in my sanctuary, having finished the day's work, and give thoughful consideration to that question. Truly, where are we? If I had to put my finger on it, I'd give a resounding
I pretty much don't like where I'm at today. Mr. Unavailable is no more available than before, except maybe in spirit, which means naught. I have gone so far as to propose to him, and although he says he doesn't want to say no, he can't say yes at this point either. So I have offered to step back and wait. I don't know what this means for him, but he has to know that I can't bring my life to a standstill as I wait for him to figure things out. I can do no more than offer to hear him out in the future, no matter where my life may lead me. This I can do.
As for Mr. Wonderful...well, does anyone stay perfectly wonderful forever? Aren't we all destined to slip and fall from the pedestal others have placed us on? In this regard, he is better than most. He is still kind and loving, but has shown an impatient temper on subjects that he normally keeps close to vest. He tries his best to listen before deciding whether or not he should get upset, which is good. However, because of the talk of divorce (after all, there is no divorce until the actual petition has been filed...and one hasn't been filed yet by either party). In the span of a few weeks it has gone from 'I'm gonna introduce you to my kids and we are gonna do this' to 'well, my wife is a psycho bitch that is controlling my life and terrorizing me and the kids...and btw, she also has your name and pic and knows where you work.' Nice.
"Where the hell are we NOW?!" Ugh. I can feel the dolby surround sound echoing those words into the silence as I contemplate the clusterfuck that is my personal inventory. I sit in my sanctuary, having finished the day's work, and give thoughful consideration to that question. Truly, where are we? If I had to put my finger on it, I'd give a resounding
I pretty much don't like where I'm at today. Mr. Unavailable is no more available than before, except maybe in spirit, which means naught. I have gone so far as to propose to him, and although he says he doesn't want to say no, he can't say yes at this point either. So I have offered to step back and wait. I don't know what this means for him, but he has to know that I can't bring my life to a standstill as I wait for him to figure things out. I can do no more than offer to hear him out in the future, no matter where my life may lead me. This I can do.
As for Mr. Wonderful...well, does anyone stay perfectly wonderful forever? Aren't we all destined to slip and fall from the pedestal others have placed us on? In this regard, he is better than most. He is still kind and loving, but has shown an impatient temper on subjects that he normally keeps close to vest. He tries his best to listen before deciding whether or not he should get upset, which is good. However, because of the talk of divorce (after all, there is no divorce until the actual petition has been filed...and one hasn't been filed yet by either party). In the span of a few weeks it has gone from 'I'm gonna introduce you to my kids and we are gonna do this' to 'well, my wife is a psycho bitch that is controlling my life and terrorizing me and the kids...and btw, she also has your name and pic and knows where you work.' Nice.
Thursday, June 2, 2011
Sabotage. Of Self.
Well, Dani says I'm just determined to sabotage my love life and be unhappy...and there are times I really almost agree with her. Almost.
I can understand the sabotage part. I know that I think too much. That is oft-times sabotage enough. But in the last two situations, I seemed to be the only one doing any thinking at all. Period. Ugh.
Ok. So, I broke up with Brad weeks ago. Just last week I decided to give someone new a chance, so I went from dating Mr. Unavailable to spending time with what seemed to be Mr. Wonderful. Well...that isn't fair to say and makes the good guy sound bad, so I should clarify. The guy who was wonderful still is, and the guy who wasn't available still isn't. It's just that the guy who is wonderful isn't exactly Mr. Available. Which is where my problem lies. I can't say I didn't know this guy was still married, but I was under the impression they were going through a divorce. 'Going through a divorce' gives the impression that a petition for divorce has been filed, or at least there is a legal separation in place, if nothing more than a simple Parenting Plan to line out how they will still co-parent while figuring everything else out. This isn't the case. He's done nothing more than argued and fought for better than 18-months..and told her that he doesn't want to be married to her or be with her any more...then moved out of the family home and into his own apartment. While he has his own place, he is on a very short leash with his phone because of his kids and work. This is understandable. It also makes him an easy mark to be terrorized by her calls and texts on unrelated subjects. Especially when she knows that he is off work and likely to be in my company. It seems such a small thing, but it comes across larger than life.
Case in point: I was at his apartment with him this afternoon, trying to lay down for a couple hours of rest before having to come into work tonight. His phone was on vibrate, which he hasn't realized I can hear on a subsonic level...and it managed to keep me in a state of constant unrest because his wife was blowing it up with calls and texts. I can admit it was my conscience bothering me. Damn it. I knew good and well that I was laying in a married man's bed, in his arms, while his wife (and mother of his children) blew up his phone in a righteously jealous rage, flipping back and forth between trying to seduce him and telling him to get fucking bent. Fuck. What kind of person am I? It's no wonder I got no rest and couldn't wait to get up and leave. Worse yet, as I left I wanted to end things with this otherwise wonderful man. Even worse, I wanted to call or text Brad right away as I left. To what purpose I have no idea. Obviously going through a serious self-sabotage episode. This is the equivalent of wanting to cut my own throat with a dull spoon. I know damn good and well that situation is no better and all roads that are open to me at this point will lead me straight to hell if I follow them.
So what the hell is all this about? In my earlier years I never really cared much about how my actions affected other people. Especially other people that were so far removed from my everyday relationships and interactions. It was like those people weren't real or didn't count. Until I became one of those people. And not just once. But many times over. I have SO been the people that I think about now. I think about this man's wife, Becki. I even wonder if I spell her name correctly, or if that's just the way he's spelled it in his phone's contact list. I want to give her that much consideration and respect. I want to care about her feelings, to understand how difficult all this must be for her. He is obviously a great guy. Maybe not the guy for her. But still a great guy. Certainly not one I would want to lose. I felt the same way about Todd. He wasn't the guy for me, obviously. But that didn't mean he wasn't a good guy, and because he was a good guy, that I didn't want to lose him. But we can't stay with people because we don't want to lose them. The quickest way to lose love is to cling to it.
I can understand the sabotage part. I know that I think too much. That is oft-times sabotage enough. But in the last two situations, I seemed to be the only one doing any thinking at all. Period. Ugh.
Ok. So, I broke up with Brad weeks ago. Just last week I decided to give someone new a chance, so I went from dating Mr. Unavailable to spending time with what seemed to be Mr. Wonderful. Well...that isn't fair to say and makes the good guy sound bad, so I should clarify. The guy who was wonderful still is, and the guy who wasn't available still isn't. It's just that the guy who is wonderful isn't exactly Mr. Available. Which is where my problem lies. I can't say I didn't know this guy was still married, but I was under the impression they were going through a divorce. 'Going through a divorce' gives the impression that a petition for divorce has been filed, or at least there is a legal separation in place, if nothing more than a simple Parenting Plan to line out how they will still co-parent while figuring everything else out. This isn't the case. He's done nothing more than argued and fought for better than 18-months..and told her that he doesn't want to be married to her or be with her any more...then moved out of the family home and into his own apartment. While he has his own place, he is on a very short leash with his phone because of his kids and work. This is understandable. It also makes him an easy mark to be terrorized by her calls and texts on unrelated subjects. Especially when she knows that he is off work and likely to be in my company. It seems such a small thing, but it comes across larger than life.
Case in point: I was at his apartment with him this afternoon, trying to lay down for a couple hours of rest before having to come into work tonight. His phone was on vibrate, which he hasn't realized I can hear on a subsonic level...and it managed to keep me in a state of constant unrest because his wife was blowing it up with calls and texts. I can admit it was my conscience bothering me. Damn it. I knew good and well that I was laying in a married man's bed, in his arms, while his wife (and mother of his children) blew up his phone in a righteously jealous rage, flipping back and forth between trying to seduce him and telling him to get fucking bent. Fuck. What kind of person am I? It's no wonder I got no rest and couldn't wait to get up and leave. Worse yet, as I left I wanted to end things with this otherwise wonderful man. Even worse, I wanted to call or text Brad right away as I left. To what purpose I have no idea. Obviously going through a serious self-sabotage episode. This is the equivalent of wanting to cut my own throat with a dull spoon. I know damn good and well that situation is no better and all roads that are open to me at this point will lead me straight to hell if I follow them.
So what the hell is all this about? In my earlier years I never really cared much about how my actions affected other people. Especially other people that were so far removed from my everyday relationships and interactions. It was like those people weren't real or didn't count. Until I became one of those people. And not just once. But many times over. I have SO been the people that I think about now. I think about this man's wife, Becki. I even wonder if I spell her name correctly, or if that's just the way he's spelled it in his phone's contact list. I want to give her that much consideration and respect. I want to care about her feelings, to understand how difficult all this must be for her. He is obviously a great guy. Maybe not the guy for her. But still a great guy. Certainly not one I would want to lose. I felt the same way about Todd. He wasn't the guy for me, obviously. But that didn't mean he wasn't a good guy, and because he was a good guy, that I didn't want to lose him. But we can't stay with people because we don't want to lose them. The quickest way to lose love is to cling to it.
Sunday, May 29, 2011
Another day...phheeww!
So, I made it through another day. I had a long day of juggling errands and getting things done after work, then finally made my way home and got to sleep around 2pm...and decided I'd set my alarm for 9pm so I'd get some real rest. I ended up waking up before the alarm at 8pm...feeling like the day was slipping away from me. I don't know why I should worry so, especially when Mr. Wonderful has his kids tonight, so I was in no hurry to get up or head off anywhere.
I anticipated some kind of interaction with Mr. Unavailable today, as it seems I have been for days now. I don't know why I worry. Although he's talked big about not letting me go...well, he never really had me to begin with, did he? So, I guess I can't be all that surprised that he's faded into the background so easily and with such little fuss. In some ways it really hurts my feelings. I invested quite a bit of myself and my heart into him, and now it feels like it was all one-sided, although he assured me at every opportunity that he wanted me and someday would come to his senses and make us a stunning reality. He painted such lovely pictures of what could be....ugh. I hate him for that. Ok, I don't really hate him...I just intensely dislike the way he led me on so callously and without care or consideration for the depth of my feelings. Had I to go through this obvious rejection (it's kind of funny I see it this way, when in all reality I broke it off with him....hmmm) alone, then it would probably have broken me again so quickly after the utter devastation of my divorce. For a while, at least. But to tell truth I've been broken almost the whole six months we've been seeing each other. I knew from the beginning that it wasn't right. I shouldn't have been spending time with him, and he most certainly shouldn't have been spending time with me...and I knew it. I spent almost the entire six months trying to bring it back around to something good and decent..something I didn't have to be ashamed to be a part of. I was so stubborn, I couldn't admit it was a lost cause from the beginning.
That being said...I had a text or two from Mr. Wonderful when I woke up, which started my day out splendidly. He asked if I would stop by for a minute before work to say hello and get a hug...and I said absolutely! I couldn't wait to see him...and although I felt slightly self-conscious about having such intense feelings of longing for someone I barely know...I would be lying if I said I was anything less than excited. It felt so good to have someone I respect want to see me...want to touch me, spend time with me, listen to me, talk to me, cherish and love me....oh, the simply silly things that make my heart melt...
He was standing outside, waiting by his truck, as I pulled up. I asked him if he minded getting in the car with me because it was so cold outside. He was more than happy to do so. We sat together in the car...me turned in the seat toward him, touching him, listening to the mellow tones of his voice, pulling myself close enough to breath his scent...giddy with butterflies of desire as he tells me about how happy he is to see me, how happy I make him...how he will be there for me as I go thru the death throes of this thing with Mr. Unavailable...be there for me when I need him..or as long as I will have him...stand up for me if it becomes necessary. God. Is this guy for real? Can he get any sexier? any more desirable? I felt stunned. Humbled. Speechless. Unable to articulate the depth of my desire and absolute love for this guy. Yes, I said love. Shit. In most situations, use of that word alone would have me light-headed, panicked, ready to bolt in the survival response of flight. Especially so soon. But I've noticed in my life's travels that sometimes things just feel so right they need not be denied. And this definitely qualifies as one of those times. How do I fight it? and why would I want to? Too many people are afraid of love, and don't want to give it away at any price, when I want nothing more than to give all my love away...and drink in all that I receive. And as far as receiving goes, I have been in a drought for as long as I can remember...so I can't see why I wouldn't soak up every ounce given to me.
So tonight (last night? ugh. damn night shift!) he is at home being a wonderful dad. I can't imagine anything sexier than a family man. Someone who isn't ashamed to love his kids, his partner...and show it. He wants the kids to meet me, but has committed not to bring anyone into their lives until the divorce is final. It makes sense. Much less confusing for the them...less traumatic. I can see how this might drag on, though. Especially if the ex is panicked at the thought of losing him and decides to draw it out for an extended period, hoping with time he will come to his senses. And in all reality, at this point she isn't technically the ex. At least not legally. I suppose the fact that I am still here means I am making the decision now that being with him and coming to know and love both him and his children is something worth waiting for. And I can also see how this is reminscent of things with Mr. Unavailable, but he has already said that he won't keep us a secret (and wasn't afraid to use the word 'us'...which wasn't in Mr. Unavailable's vocabulary), and doesn't care who knows...and has offered to take me places in public, including to his place of work...and even hold my hand...which I admit is very sweet (can he possibly know what huge things these are to me?...omg. maybe it's the reason he's offering it...!). Although this should make me ecstatic (it is what I want, right?), I am uncomfortable with this. I'm not into hurting anyone, much less his eventually-to-be ex wife...or his children. I'm left wondering how can I possibly allow someone to give me what I want and deserve without having to make others pay for it...so I'm not sure I can quite take him up on this generous offer at this point. I suppose I will just have to take things one moment at a time and be willing to remain open to winging it as the situation requires.
Regardless, I can feel the difference in me already. I look forward to tomorrows. No matter how I look at it, that can't be wrong. And my gut isn't twisting. And I'm learning to listen to that more than anything, cuz its never led me wrong...when I've listened.
Til next time...
I anticipated some kind of interaction with Mr. Unavailable today, as it seems I have been for days now. I don't know why I worry. Although he's talked big about not letting me go...well, he never really had me to begin with, did he? So, I guess I can't be all that surprised that he's faded into the background so easily and with such little fuss. In some ways it really hurts my feelings. I invested quite a bit of myself and my heart into him, and now it feels like it was all one-sided, although he assured me at every opportunity that he wanted me and someday would come to his senses and make us a stunning reality. He painted such lovely pictures of what could be....ugh. I hate him for that. Ok, I don't really hate him...I just intensely dislike the way he led me on so callously and without care or consideration for the depth of my feelings. Had I to go through this obvious rejection (it's kind of funny I see it this way, when in all reality I broke it off with him....hmmm) alone, then it would probably have broken me again so quickly after the utter devastation of my divorce. For a while, at least. But to tell truth I've been broken almost the whole six months we've been seeing each other. I knew from the beginning that it wasn't right. I shouldn't have been spending time with him, and he most certainly shouldn't have been spending time with me...and I knew it. I spent almost the entire six months trying to bring it back around to something good and decent..something I didn't have to be ashamed to be a part of. I was so stubborn, I couldn't admit it was a lost cause from the beginning.
That being said...I had a text or two from Mr. Wonderful when I woke up, which started my day out splendidly. He asked if I would stop by for a minute before work to say hello and get a hug...and I said absolutely! I couldn't wait to see him...and although I felt slightly self-conscious about having such intense feelings of longing for someone I barely know...I would be lying if I said I was anything less than excited. It felt so good to have someone I respect want to see me...want to touch me, spend time with me, listen to me, talk to me, cherish and love me....oh, the simply silly things that make my heart melt...
He was standing outside, waiting by his truck, as I pulled up. I asked him if he minded getting in the car with me because it was so cold outside. He was more than happy to do so. We sat together in the car...me turned in the seat toward him, touching him, listening to the mellow tones of his voice, pulling myself close enough to breath his scent...giddy with butterflies of desire as he tells me about how happy he is to see me, how happy I make him...how he will be there for me as I go thru the death throes of this thing with Mr. Unavailable...be there for me when I need him..or as long as I will have him...stand up for me if it becomes necessary. God. Is this guy for real? Can he get any sexier? any more desirable? I felt stunned. Humbled. Speechless. Unable to articulate the depth of my desire and absolute love for this guy. Yes, I said love. Shit. In most situations, use of that word alone would have me light-headed, panicked, ready to bolt in the survival response of flight. Especially so soon. But I've noticed in my life's travels that sometimes things just feel so right they need not be denied. And this definitely qualifies as one of those times. How do I fight it? and why would I want to? Too many people are afraid of love, and don't want to give it away at any price, when I want nothing more than to give all my love away...and drink in all that I receive. And as far as receiving goes, I have been in a drought for as long as I can remember...so I can't see why I wouldn't soak up every ounce given to me.
So tonight (last night? ugh. damn night shift!) he is at home being a wonderful dad. I can't imagine anything sexier than a family man. Someone who isn't ashamed to love his kids, his partner...and show it. He wants the kids to meet me, but has committed not to bring anyone into their lives until the divorce is final. It makes sense. Much less confusing for the them...less traumatic. I can see how this might drag on, though. Especially if the ex is panicked at the thought of losing him and decides to draw it out for an extended period, hoping with time he will come to his senses. And in all reality, at this point she isn't technically the ex. At least not legally. I suppose the fact that I am still here means I am making the decision now that being with him and coming to know and love both him and his children is something worth waiting for. And I can also see how this is reminscent of things with Mr. Unavailable, but he has already said that he won't keep us a secret (and wasn't afraid to use the word 'us'...which wasn't in Mr. Unavailable's vocabulary), and doesn't care who knows...and has offered to take me places in public, including to his place of work...and even hold my hand...which I admit is very sweet (can he possibly know what huge things these are to me?...omg. maybe it's the reason he's offering it...!). Although this should make me ecstatic (it is what I want, right?), I am uncomfortable with this. I'm not into hurting anyone, much less his eventually-to-be ex wife...or his children. I'm left wondering how can I possibly allow someone to give me what I want and deserve without having to make others pay for it...so I'm not sure I can quite take him up on this generous offer at this point. I suppose I will just have to take things one moment at a time and be willing to remain open to winging it as the situation requires.
Regardless, I can feel the difference in me already. I look forward to tomorrows. No matter how I look at it, that can't be wrong. And my gut isn't twisting. And I'm learning to listen to that more than anything, cuz its never led me wrong...when I've listened.
Til next time...
Saturday, May 14, 2011
A Stirring of Echoes
Ok, yeah, I know that's the name of a movie...but it really fit today. After getting off this morning, I went to my friend/patient Joseph's. I love going to his house, cuz he is one of the few people who's thoughts and opinions I still respect...especially since the words of so many lately rarely match up with their actions. So, there I am...and the subject of parents' deaths came up (don't ask me how...)...and there I am, thinking about things that haven't happened for better than three decades. What am I, like six again?! Jeez. Anyway, this epiphany hits me, and I realize that I have stirred echoes within the corridors of my life that lead me to the present day. It suddenly hits me that all of today's choices are influenced by the heart and mind of a little six-year old little girl who wanted nothing more than to love and to belong and be loved in return. But that didn't happen at age six, and fear of that never happening again has molded me into the crazed and dysfunctional person I am proud to be today. o.O
Anyway, I shed a few tears over what might have been for that little girl, then sucked it up and went home to crash for a decent day's sleep before comiing back to work tonight. I got up to answer a phone call from a guy that is always on the verge of being in my life, then went to Mickey D's to find an Angus Deluxe with my name on it. Call it more of a craving. Then I realized I left my phone at home...and god forbid I should go any length of time without that albatross around my neck, ran home to get it, then took myself to Kiwanis Park to watch the river and think as I ate. After stuffing myself with the whole burger (I usually can only eat half...ugh...so full!), I forced myself out of the comfort of my Suby and made my way down to the river.
As I moved toward the water, I thought of Todd. Nothing romantic or anything, more like I was thinking about how pathetic that whole situation was for him and how he was a coward in the face of life and a fool for throwing away a chance at happiness with both hands, not to mention the loss of what had once been a loving and beautiful family. The tragedy of it is lost on my, I suppose. At one time I would have cared immensely and been inconsolably sad...but not now, and certainly not today. This whole line of thinking made me think of the sadness of the current guy that's not really in my life...and that was too much for me, so I put all thought of anyone else but me and my happiness out of my mind. The force of the water at the bend in the river was incredible, and the moon was rising, with only a few clouds in the sky the stars blazed. I walked all the way to my work's back door, just to see how it looked from the river side in the dark...then turned around and made my way back to my car. As I moved, I thought about the fact that I could walk, hell...run even, if I wanted to..but it felt so good I took my time and paid close attention to how my body moved from one step to the next, hips rolling, arms moving, and the muscles in my side tightening as I swaggered. Yes, I swaggered...hell, when someone has as much hips and a$$ as I have, well, they have to swing or they'd have no place to go...and in the end, it all felt soooo good. I thanked god for the opportunity to feel like a whole human being again...and came on to work.
After I got here, I realized that I felt crappier than I'd remembered feeling the night before. Seems whatever I had or has been going around is sticking it out a while longer, just to get the best of me. It wasn't an hour and a half after stepping in the door that I was hugging the toilet...again. Jeez. Yet again, had I been able to figure out how to call in an on-call person, I'd have left here in a state of perpetual ungrace. Ugh. Just call me Punky Brewster... -.-
My horoscope today said:
You'll feel conflicted today, for reasons you don't fully understand. Something you know to be true seems at odds with the facts you are presented. Focus on the solution, idea, or "truth" that feels right in your heart. Don't worry too much about being "right".
On the other hand, God had this to say:
Give yourself permission to be un-busy. Give yourself an hour or a day to simply be. Allow yourself the luxury of a small retreat. Allow your spirit time to be restored. Even God took a day of rest.
Now, what God had to say today really fit this evening. As I walked along the path next tot he river, I kept thinking.. 'What a magnificent scene I have created for myself tonight...this is f'in gorgeous!...man, I rock'...and I was thankful that I wasn't with anyone, since it forced me to give to or please no one except myself. It was the first time since I walked after rehab that I felt a sense of myself coming back to me...like I didn't need anyone else to help me feel complete...I was finally complete on my own, simply for being Me..! And I have taken tonight off to continue along that vein...
Anyway, I shed a few tears over what might have been for that little girl, then sucked it up and went home to crash for a decent day's sleep before comiing back to work tonight. I got up to answer a phone call from a guy that is always on the verge of being in my life, then went to Mickey D's to find an Angus Deluxe with my name on it. Call it more of a craving. Then I realized I left my phone at home...and god forbid I should go any length of time without that albatross around my neck, ran home to get it, then took myself to Kiwanis Park to watch the river and think as I ate. After stuffing myself with the whole burger (I usually can only eat half...ugh...so full!), I forced myself out of the comfort of my Suby and made my way down to the river.
As I moved toward the water, I thought of Todd. Nothing romantic or anything, more like I was thinking about how pathetic that whole situation was for him and how he was a coward in the face of life and a fool for throwing away a chance at happiness with both hands, not to mention the loss of what had once been a loving and beautiful family. The tragedy of it is lost on my, I suppose. At one time I would have cared immensely and been inconsolably sad...but not now, and certainly not today. This whole line of thinking made me think of the sadness of the current guy that's not really in my life...and that was too much for me, so I put all thought of anyone else but me and my happiness out of my mind. The force of the water at the bend in the river was incredible, and the moon was rising, with only a few clouds in the sky the stars blazed. I walked all the way to my work's back door, just to see how it looked from the river side in the dark...then turned around and made my way back to my car. As I moved, I thought about the fact that I could walk, hell...run even, if I wanted to..but it felt so good I took my time and paid close attention to how my body moved from one step to the next, hips rolling, arms moving, and the muscles in my side tightening as I swaggered. Yes, I swaggered...hell, when someone has as much hips and a$$ as I have, well, they have to swing or they'd have no place to go...and in the end, it all felt soooo good. I thanked god for the opportunity to feel like a whole human being again...and came on to work.
After I got here, I realized that I felt crappier than I'd remembered feeling the night before. Seems whatever I had or has been going around is sticking it out a while longer, just to get the best of me. It wasn't an hour and a half after stepping in the door that I was hugging the toilet...again. Jeez. Yet again, had I been able to figure out how to call in an on-call person, I'd have left here in a state of perpetual ungrace. Ugh. Just call me Punky Brewster... -.-
My horoscope today said:
You'll feel conflicted today, for reasons you don't fully understand. Something you know to be true seems at odds with the facts you are presented. Focus on the solution, idea, or "truth" that feels right in your heart. Don't worry too much about being "right".
On the other hand, God had this to say:
Give yourself permission to be un-busy. Give yourself an hour or a day to simply be. Allow yourself the luxury of a small retreat. Allow your spirit time to be restored. Even God took a day of rest.
Now, what God had to say today really fit this evening. As I walked along the path next tot he river, I kept thinking.. 'What a magnificent scene I have created for myself tonight...this is f'in gorgeous!...man, I rock'...and I was thankful that I wasn't with anyone, since it forced me to give to or please no one except myself. It was the first time since I walked after rehab that I felt a sense of myself coming back to me...like I didn't need anyone else to help me feel complete...I was finally complete on my own, simply for being Me..! And I have taken tonight off to continue along that vein...
Saturday, May 7, 2011
Where Am I?
Originally written: 3/13/2011
Let's check the pulse of where I am right now...
As I put my standby guy on the plane back home, I searched myself for any feelings I may harbor. I love him without a doubt. There has never been a question of that. What lies in question is if that is enough to justify seeking a life together. Must someone be in love to remain true and faithful to the relationship..? Todd was unable to do it. Surely he loved me at some point, but in the end was in love with someone else...or at the very least had woefully fallen out of love with me. That alone should serve as a warning and answer any lingering questions I should have, and yet I still find myself considering the possibility of forever. I suppose I will just have to sit with it. I believe I'm perfectly comfortable staying single and not entering into a serious relationship...as I've been enjoying the freedom to be myself...and not having to put anothers' thoughts and feelings before my own.
Let's check the pulse of where I am right now...
As I put my standby guy on the plane back home, I searched myself for any feelings I may harbor. I love him without a doubt. There has never been a question of that. What lies in question is if that is enough to justify seeking a life together. Must someone be in love to remain true and faithful to the relationship..? Todd was unable to do it. Surely he loved me at some point, but in the end was in love with someone else...or at the very least had woefully fallen out of love with me. That alone should serve as a warning and answer any lingering questions I should have, and yet I still find myself considering the possibility of forever. I suppose I will just have to sit with it. I believe I'm perfectly comfortable staying single and not entering into a serious relationship...as I've been enjoying the freedom to be myself...and not having to put anothers' thoughts and feelings before my own.
Why, oh why?! This must be true...fml.
What God had to say to me today:
On this day of your life, Susan,
On this day of your life, Susan,
...that it is better to do now what you will have to do
eventually.
You know, right now, what you will have to do
eventually. Your stomach is telling you right now.
You just don't want to have to listen to it; don't
want to believe it.
Believe it. The tummy knows. How many times in
your life must you prove this to yourself?
You will not have to think but a second to know
exactly why you received this message today.
The blessed sanctuary of work...
Thank the One for this sanctuary...my work. I am so blessed to have it...
Tonight (5/6/2011) was especially hard for me. I started out this morning getting off work sick...after having a bloody nose and sinus problems all night...throwing up after I got to Joseph's...not really feeling like doing or eating much of anything...went home, threw up again...drive heaved... took an anti-nausea med and fell into a coma, not waking until 15 minutes before having to be at work. It made for a quick dress and no opportunity to fully awaken before getting here...but that was probably a good thing since when I did fully come back to myself, this is the sniveling mess I am left with..... ugh. :'(
Needless to say, things with Brad haven't been going that great. Although it seems we love one another, things just won't seem to come together. At this point, it is all on him....as when I've made up my mind there isn't much to deter me...
The main problem here is that he's been single (lived alone) for so long...although he's had a long-term relationship, they were never really together...as they lived separate lives and only got together when it convenienced them both. That's not what I call a real relationship, so for general purposes it doesn't count. He's lived for much too long denying his want or need of another person...and because of it, has learned to live alone. I am so sick of being alone. Even in the midst of my relationships, I have always felt alone. There is nothing worse than being in a 'loving' relationship with someone and still feeling alone. Ugh. I would rather get the hell of my dying over with and move on to my next life experience....please and thank you. Just the mere thought of returning to the One...the Whole...of Us All...makes me tear up again. The thought is so beautiful...so wonderful and magnificent...it makes me yearn for it...anything to feel that blessed love that is reconnecting with the One.... I would give anything that I don't have to feel the yawning of an eternity...mocking with me with it's threat of separation and eternal loneliness....ugh.
I called him yesterday...and texted him this morning after not hearing from him...and then when all I got in return were two very short texts and not a single phone call all day...well, that was pretty much my breaking point....fml.
I finally broke down as I wrote a message to him on FB, trying to explain how I was feeling...and making a mucky mess of everything, I'm sure....and cried with careful abandon (...being mindful of others in the house and not wanting to be a source of distress for those who already lived a life of disadvantage). I had tried unsuccessfully to blink them away as I looked at my reflection in the office windows, but they would not be put off. When they finally broke through my reserve, the tears tore from me all the energy and vitality I had managed to gather from my day of sleeping...and left me weak and lifeless. I cried through writing the message, sent it, then cried as I moved through the house, doing what needed to be done before morning came. I was thankful that chores allowed my body to move on auto pilot, without any real need for thought...as I wasn't capable of anything more complicated than sorting silverware for the drawer...and my tears blurred my vision as I tried to sweep, making the piles of debris blend into one another. I hear barely audible whimpers...and realize it is coming from me...and this scares me into silence. I use the need for quiet as way to gain control of myself, as my motions (and emotions) must be carefully controlled to keep dishes from clacking together as I put them away. Finally, as I moved to turn out the lights on the house I realized the tears had stopped and I could feel the crusty salt on my face as I winced in thought about what I must look like to anyone who may come upon me...then I made my way back to the office, not sure what to do with myself...fearing that should my body stop moving, my mind would surely crack open and another deluge of tears drown out what little life remained.
In the end, I decided to sit and pour myself upon the page, rather than allowing dismal thoughts to circle round and round within my mind....hoping to empty my mind of all it contains...so that I might finally be free of its burden upon me. And so here I sit....pouring...and hoping....
Once again, I must examine what eats at me: How is it that I have worked my way into another unbalanced relationship that doesn't give to me as much as it takes...? Fuck. Again, I am guilty of wanting...needing...and yet I read a message from God today about allowing myself to do neither of these, but to encourage myself to fall into the 'cushion of desire'.......to which I admit I do not fully understand.
Again, thank God for my work. Without it, I don't know where I would be...possibly locked away from the world within the walls of my home, not wanting to step foot outside of it for fear the world will take hold of me without love or mercy and rip me to pieces...cowering in fear and self-loathing. Ugh. The mere thought shames me. Almost worse than the weak and vulnerable tears I shed through the night.
Already the new day is dawning through slight degrees of silent light that infiltrate the shades of my office's windows...and it hearkens to me...bringing with it a promise of a world full of opportunities to alleviate the loneliness that suffocates me....
Tonight (5/6/2011) was especially hard for me. I started out this morning getting off work sick...after having a bloody nose and sinus problems all night...throwing up after I got to Joseph's...not really feeling like doing or eating much of anything...went home, threw up again...drive heaved... took an anti-nausea med and fell into a coma, not waking until 15 minutes before having to be at work. It made for a quick dress and no opportunity to fully awaken before getting here...but that was probably a good thing since when I did fully come back to myself, this is the sniveling mess I am left with..... ugh. :'(
Needless to say, things with Brad haven't been going that great. Although it seems we love one another, things just won't seem to come together. At this point, it is all on him....as when I've made up my mind there isn't much to deter me...
The main problem here is that he's been single (lived alone) for so long...although he's had a long-term relationship, they were never really together...as they lived separate lives and only got together when it convenienced them both. That's not what I call a real relationship, so for general purposes it doesn't count. He's lived for much too long denying his want or need of another person...and because of it, has learned to live alone. I am so sick of being alone. Even in the midst of my relationships, I have always felt alone. There is nothing worse than being in a 'loving' relationship with someone and still feeling alone. Ugh. I would rather get the hell of my dying over with and move on to my next life experience....please and thank you. Just the mere thought of returning to the One...the Whole...of Us All...makes me tear up again. The thought is so beautiful...so wonderful and magnificent...it makes me yearn for it...anything to feel that blessed love that is reconnecting with the One.... I would give anything that I don't have to feel the yawning of an eternity...mocking with me with it's threat of separation and eternal loneliness....ugh.
I called him yesterday...and texted him this morning after not hearing from him...and then when all I got in return were two very short texts and not a single phone call all day...well, that was pretty much my breaking point....fml.
I finally broke down as I wrote a message to him on FB, trying to explain how I was feeling...and making a mucky mess of everything, I'm sure....and cried with careful abandon (...being mindful of others in the house and not wanting to be a source of distress for those who already lived a life of disadvantage). I had tried unsuccessfully to blink them away as I looked at my reflection in the office windows, but they would not be put off. When they finally broke through my reserve, the tears tore from me all the energy and vitality I had managed to gather from my day of sleeping...and left me weak and lifeless. I cried through writing the message, sent it, then cried as I moved through the house, doing what needed to be done before morning came. I was thankful that chores allowed my body to move on auto pilot, without any real need for thought...as I wasn't capable of anything more complicated than sorting silverware for the drawer...and my tears blurred my vision as I tried to sweep, making the piles of debris blend into one another. I hear barely audible whimpers...and realize it is coming from me...and this scares me into silence. I use the need for quiet as way to gain control of myself, as my motions (and emotions) must be carefully controlled to keep dishes from clacking together as I put them away. Finally, as I moved to turn out the lights on the house I realized the tears had stopped and I could feel the crusty salt on my face as I winced in thought about what I must look like to anyone who may come upon me...then I made my way back to the office, not sure what to do with myself...fearing that should my body stop moving, my mind would surely crack open and another deluge of tears drown out what little life remained.
In the end, I decided to sit and pour myself upon the page, rather than allowing dismal thoughts to circle round and round within my mind....hoping to empty my mind of all it contains...so that I might finally be free of its burden upon me. And so here I sit....pouring...and hoping....
Once again, I must examine what eats at me: How is it that I have worked my way into another unbalanced relationship that doesn't give to me as much as it takes...? Fuck. Again, I am guilty of wanting...needing...and yet I read a message from God today about allowing myself to do neither of these, but to encourage myself to fall into the 'cushion of desire'.......to which I admit I do not fully understand.
Again, thank God for my work. Without it, I don't know where I would be...possibly locked away from the world within the walls of my home, not wanting to step foot outside of it for fear the world will take hold of me without love or mercy and rip me to pieces...cowering in fear and self-loathing. Ugh. The mere thought shames me. Almost worse than the weak and vulnerable tears I shed through the night.
Already the new day is dawning through slight degrees of silent light that infiltrate the shades of my office's windows...and it hearkens to me...bringing with it a promise of a world full of opportunities to alleviate the loneliness that suffocates me....
Saturday, April 23, 2011
Love. Meh...
Meh...love. Wtf is up with that...?!
Ok, I've been doing this 'dating' thing for better than a year, off and on. I am no better at it now than I was way back in the day when I actually half ass knew what I was doing. Not that I've ever known what I was doing...but I'm digressing.
I've been spending time with one of the guys that I spent time with when Todd and I split the first time. I knew at the time that I shouldn't be spending time with this particular guy, but I found myself doing it anyway. Almost in spite of it. Come on...I knew he was seeing someone he'd been in a long term relationship with for as long as I'd known of him. But in all truthfulness, he'd been the first one of us show interest and then pursued me, not the other way around. Knowing this, I'd signed on with a guy who would admittedly cheat on his partner. Omg, he's Todd...........
Hearing myself spell it out here in black and white, it is hard to try and sell myself on the idea that I didn't know what I was getting myself into...so how do I move forward from here? Shit. I've gone and allowed myself to have increasingly stronger feelings for a totally unavailable (emotionally or otherwise) guy, and now am almost to the point of crying and being morbidly depressed when he leaves town for the weekend. I am even jealous of his truck. Fuck. You gotta be kidding me, Susan....ugh!
Good lord, where to begin. I suppose going back over the our time last year and our last few months may let me get a clearer perspective on how I got where I am, and a larger picture so I can see where to go from here.......hmmm...where to start.....*sits with chin in hand, staring off into space with a blank look*
Alright. I was breaking up with Andrew when I 'met' Brad. I'd known of him for some five years or more from working at Riverside Conoco. Understand, it was a passing acquaintance only, simply for business reasons, and didn't allow me to know anything too personal about him what-so-ever...with the exception that he was always working or playing and never had a female with him. Beyond that, all I knew was his name and status as a customer. Brad had been invited by Andrew to assist in convincing me that I should give Andrew another chance to prove his worthiness. Of course, Brad being the good guy that he is, did his best to convince me that Andrew loved me and wanted nothing but the best for me. I informed him that I didn't have the capacity to provide care for an alcoholic when I had a family relying on me at home. He said he understood and waited for an alone moment to offer his phone number so that we could talk about our concerns for Andrew more privately. This should have tipped me off and set my alarm bells ringing...and in many ways it did...but I ignored it. Besides talking on the phone, Brad came over later that day as well. In a phone conversation that followed, he told me about the 'spark' of electricity he'd felt pass between us when we'd spoken the first time at Andrew's...and how it had happened again at my house. How could I deny it if he said it had happened.... After all, it wasn't the kind of thing that it made sense to fake....right?
Ok....so, enter Brad onto the scene. I texted and talked to him many times over the two months that followed. We got together every now and again and even had some close encounters, but all in all, I knew about his significant other and neither of us ever went any further. Cut to January of this year...and I sent him a text not but a few days, possibly a week, after asking Todd to leave the house...while I was out on a hockey night with my girlfriend's. We ended up drinking while at the game that night, and had quite a few more while dancing the night away in Florence at the High Spirits. That night I'd been chased around the bar by a very handsome and sweet 22 yr-old that I later took home...anway, I get off track here obviously...so, I never heard back from Brad that night. Sometime the next day I think he texted me back...and seemed to be surprised and delighted about hearing from me. He asked if I actually meant to text him, or if it had been an accident. I assured him I had meant to, although I didn't tell him I'd also texted a few others that night as well. No sense in sharing everything right out of the gate....and I still knew about his significant other, Kris.
So, seems that much hadn't changed in the year that we did other things...and other people. We both were in about the same place as we'd left one another...and here we were again. I eventually ended up being so put out by the single guys I was dating (insert Ryan and Jeff here) that I gave him more and more time to entertain me. I was so entertained sometimes that I even offered up cash to help purchase a radiator for our toy of choice, the 'big' truck...and allowed him to continue to taunt me in a sexual way for weeks and weeks...until he kept hinting that it was going to happen eventually, so I put him to the challenge and told him I expected not to be disappointed..which really seemed to deflate him some and cause some anxiety...but brought him down a few notches. Until then, he'd had an arrogant streak that was hard to tolerate, especially since I knew it cleverly hid a very damaged self-esteem. As much as I wanted to feel sorry for him, I wanted to slap the fuck out of that arrogance first...so I issued the challenge and sat back to watch the show. It worked. For that I was grateful. Ever since then, his damaged self-esteem has come to the forefront and arrogance is now saved for his friends and acquaintences, instead of for me. He seemed to be spending all his time with me, and didn't really seem to have any time to still be seeing Kris, so I assumed that he'd cooled things off with her...which was helped by the fact that I never brought her up or questioned him about anything, but in a way it wouldn't have mattered to me if he had still been seeing her...as I never saw her as competition. I actually felt and still feel really sorry for her. While I'm sure he has his flaws, Brad is a sweet and kind soul; very loving and affectionate...and passionate. He has a hard time believing I see him this way, but if he could see what I see, he would be amazed...surely.
We ended up being a very favorable match physically, and for that I am extremely grateful, although I sometimes wish I weren't as attracted to him as I am. It can be inconvenient to want to keep my distance and then he comes within a city block of me and I am unable to say no or resist even the slightest suggestion. It is especially inconvenient if I at all wish to keep my heart and it's ability to love freely intact, as I put myself at risk every time we touch. He seems surprised by my intense physical and emotional reaction to his nearness, but it's simply because he doesn't understand me...which can only be solved with time and nearness...and that is in short supply these days.
He's called me several times over the last week or so, since saying he needed space and time to figure things out. In the last few days he's asked a couple of questions that seem to be easy to answer, but he had difficulty asking them. The first was if I'd work in the office, helping his mother to run the family business. The second was about sharing problems and bills. I said yes to the first, provided it was on my off time. To the second, I responded that a shared life means shared resources/assets and liabilities/responsibilities. There is no middle ground where I handle my shit and he handles his. That is leading separate lives and not how I want to live my life. God in me knows that I was meant to be a partner and work and live side by side with a mate. I have not a single doubt that a person who feels the same way will someday find me...
Love. Meh. -/-
Ok, I've been doing this 'dating' thing for better than a year, off and on. I am no better at it now than I was way back in the day when I actually half ass knew what I was doing. Not that I've ever known what I was doing...but I'm digressing.
I've been spending time with one of the guys that I spent time with when Todd and I split the first time. I knew at the time that I shouldn't be spending time with this particular guy, but I found myself doing it anyway. Almost in spite of it. Come on...I knew he was seeing someone he'd been in a long term relationship with for as long as I'd known of him. But in all truthfulness, he'd been the first one of us show interest and then pursued me, not the other way around. Knowing this, I'd signed on with a guy who would admittedly cheat on his partner. Omg, he's Todd...........
Hearing myself spell it out here in black and white, it is hard to try and sell myself on the idea that I didn't know what I was getting myself into...so how do I move forward from here? Shit. I've gone and allowed myself to have increasingly stronger feelings for a totally unavailable (emotionally or otherwise) guy, and now am almost to the point of crying and being morbidly depressed when he leaves town for the weekend. I am even jealous of his truck. Fuck. You gotta be kidding me, Susan....ugh!
Good lord, where to begin. I suppose going back over the our time last year and our last few months may let me get a clearer perspective on how I got where I am, and a larger picture so I can see where to go from here.......hmmm...where to start.....*sits with chin in hand, staring off into space with a blank look*
Alright. I was breaking up with Andrew when I 'met' Brad. I'd known of him for some five years or more from working at Riverside Conoco. Understand, it was a passing acquaintance only, simply for business reasons, and didn't allow me to know anything too personal about him what-so-ever...with the exception that he was always working or playing and never had a female with him. Beyond that, all I knew was his name and status as a customer. Brad had been invited by Andrew to assist in convincing me that I should give Andrew another chance to prove his worthiness. Of course, Brad being the good guy that he is, did his best to convince me that Andrew loved me and wanted nothing but the best for me. I informed him that I didn't have the capacity to provide care for an alcoholic when I had a family relying on me at home. He said he understood and waited for an alone moment to offer his phone number so that we could talk about our concerns for Andrew more privately. This should have tipped me off and set my alarm bells ringing...and in many ways it did...but I ignored it. Besides talking on the phone, Brad came over later that day as well. In a phone conversation that followed, he told me about the 'spark' of electricity he'd felt pass between us when we'd spoken the first time at Andrew's...and how it had happened again at my house. How could I deny it if he said it had happened.... After all, it wasn't the kind of thing that it made sense to fake....right?
Ok....so, enter Brad onto the scene. I texted and talked to him many times over the two months that followed. We got together every now and again and even had some close encounters, but all in all, I knew about his significant other and neither of us ever went any further. Cut to January of this year...and I sent him a text not but a few days, possibly a week, after asking Todd to leave the house...while I was out on a hockey night with my girlfriend's. We ended up drinking while at the game that night, and had quite a few more while dancing the night away in Florence at the High Spirits. That night I'd been chased around the bar by a very handsome and sweet 22 yr-old that I later took home...anway, I get off track here obviously...so, I never heard back from Brad that night. Sometime the next day I think he texted me back...and seemed to be surprised and delighted about hearing from me. He asked if I actually meant to text him, or if it had been an accident. I assured him I had meant to, although I didn't tell him I'd also texted a few others that night as well. No sense in sharing everything right out of the gate....and I still knew about his significant other, Kris.
So, seems that much hadn't changed in the year that we did other things...and other people. We both were in about the same place as we'd left one another...and here we were again. I eventually ended up being so put out by the single guys I was dating (insert Ryan and Jeff here) that I gave him more and more time to entertain me. I was so entertained sometimes that I even offered up cash to help purchase a radiator for our toy of choice, the 'big' truck...and allowed him to continue to taunt me in a sexual way for weeks and weeks...until he kept hinting that it was going to happen eventually, so I put him to the challenge and told him I expected not to be disappointed..which really seemed to deflate him some and cause some anxiety...but brought him down a few notches. Until then, he'd had an arrogant streak that was hard to tolerate, especially since I knew it cleverly hid a very damaged self-esteem. As much as I wanted to feel sorry for him, I wanted to slap the fuck out of that arrogance first...so I issued the challenge and sat back to watch the show. It worked. For that I was grateful. Ever since then, his damaged self-esteem has come to the forefront and arrogance is now saved for his friends and acquaintences, instead of for me. He seemed to be spending all his time with me, and didn't really seem to have any time to still be seeing Kris, so I assumed that he'd cooled things off with her...which was helped by the fact that I never brought her up or questioned him about anything, but in a way it wouldn't have mattered to me if he had still been seeing her...as I never saw her as competition. I actually felt and still feel really sorry for her. While I'm sure he has his flaws, Brad is a sweet and kind soul; very loving and affectionate...and passionate. He has a hard time believing I see him this way, but if he could see what I see, he would be amazed...surely.
We ended up being a very favorable match physically, and for that I am extremely grateful, although I sometimes wish I weren't as attracted to him as I am. It can be inconvenient to want to keep my distance and then he comes within a city block of me and I am unable to say no or resist even the slightest suggestion. It is especially inconvenient if I at all wish to keep my heart and it's ability to love freely intact, as I put myself at risk every time we touch. He seems surprised by my intense physical and emotional reaction to his nearness, but it's simply because he doesn't understand me...which can only be solved with time and nearness...and that is in short supply these days.
He's called me several times over the last week or so, since saying he needed space and time to figure things out. In the last few days he's asked a couple of questions that seem to be easy to answer, but he had difficulty asking them. The first was if I'd work in the office, helping his mother to run the family business. The second was about sharing problems and bills. I said yes to the first, provided it was on my off time. To the second, I responded that a shared life means shared resources/assets and liabilities/responsibilities. There is no middle ground where I handle my shit and he handles his. That is leading separate lives and not how I want to live my life. God in me knows that I was meant to be a partner and work and live side by side with a mate. I have not a single doubt that a person who feels the same way will someday find me...
Love. Meh. -/-
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